[notsurewhattodo47]

I don't have anyone that I can trust to talk to, so I found this forum and thought I would give it a try. I really need some advice, as I'm trying to make a tough decision and want to ensure I weigh all consequences. So any comments/advice would be appreciated.

I'm mid-30's, married at 29 (husband is 1.5 years younger) and we have 15 month twin girls. I wasn't sure about having children, but he really wanted them. After having them, I wouldn't give my girls up for anything in the world. They are my entire life, which is probably part of the issue.

I don't think our relationship was ever great and we shouldn't have gotten married. I am a child of divorce x2 and it was very hard on me at ages 8 and 10. I really didn't know who I was (had a lot of self-esteem issues previously) until 1-2 years ago. I tend to let people take advantage of me, I'm overly nice, and have a hard time talking about myself. However, having children changed me for the better. I feel great about myself, but terrible about my marriage. This is partly my fault, as I give everything I have to my kids.

I work from home, make 75% of our income between 2 jobs. I handle all finances (my husband isn't the best with money), I do 90% or more of the cleaning and household work, I do 95% of the child care. I am a very hard worker and believe in getting things done the right way. My husband is more so social, likes to hang out with friends, play sports, drink, etc. We are opposite of each other in nearly every aspect. We both love our children, but at this age, the girls annoy him when they cry or whine. He gets very moody and frustrated on the weekends from having to be around them for long stretches of time. This makes him snap at me, make negative comments about everything, etc. I'm overly protective of the girls and ask him to go have alone time instead of showing those type of emotions in front of the children. I'm exhausted from doing everything myself and I rarely have a moment alone, but I want the best environment for my children (happy/positive and healthy).

We are struggling financially, sometimes living paycheck to paycheck due to poor financial decisions throughout our marriage. It pains me that we were unable to resolve this prior to having kids. We haven't had sex in over a month. I'm not attracted to him anymore - he is about 50 lbs overweight, while I've been working to lose all baby weight (almost there!). So for a long time I haven't really participated much during sex. We rarely talk anymore. I'm not a big talker, but I always enjoyed listening to him. If he is home, I'm usually working on something and he watches TV. Sometimes we watch TV together, but that certainly doesn't seem like quality time to me. Lately, he has been inviting friends over and barely talks to me. A few days ago we discussed his moodiness around the kids via email. He said he can't handle them crying all day. I was surprised by this, because the girls are very good and I feel they rarely cry. I mentioned that maybe he is depressed and should consider counseling or medication. He has been avoiding me since I made that comment.

I can't take the negativity anymore. I don't like how much he drinks (I've told him that many times - it's something he really enjoys and he won't stop - he does NOT get drunk often). I feel like I'm the only one who tries to be the best parent that I can and sometimes his moodiness counteracts my efforts. I also feel like I do everything to keep this family going. I give everything I have every day and he rarely says anything nice to me. It's important for me that I surround myself with nice people versus negative people. I believe in being very nice to others in hopes they will return that to me. It would also be nice to feel like my husband loves and respects me. I don't feel that, but I wonder if he thinks the same. He has been unemployed for over half of our marriage and I have always made more money (I have more education). I think that has hurt his pride, especially since my parents like to joke about that sometimes - he hates it. I have always supported him and I correct my parents when I hear those comments, as I don't subscribe to the old way of men being the main providers in a household. I think I've actually been too supportive and nice to my husband. He is now employed and has become even more distant. Another sore spot of our marriage is he says that if I want him to do something, I have to tell him what to do. I don't like this. No one tells me to do the dishes or clean the kitchen, so why should I have to play 'mom' and tell him? Instead I end up doing everything myself, because it's easier than telling him to do something and waiting for him to actually get it done.

I have my faults. I haven't put any effort into our marriage lately, as I've given up. I put all of my effort into raising the girls. I am so busy with the kids and work that I don't typically look my best (I rarely wear make-up or do my hair). I know that can cause issues, but I think it's too late to fix this area now. I have trouble verbally communicating my thoughts/feelings. I have always struggled with talking about myself and tend to just go with whatever the other person wants. This has created a bad situation in our marriage.

I don't want our girls to suffer from a divorce. I also don't want them to suffer from seeing how dysfunctional our marriage is. It's not a good example for them, as it's loveless. I don't think we can fix our marriage and I would like a peaceful separation where he can see the girls as often as he wants and where neither parent says anything negative about the other - is that even possible? I haven't told him yet, because I'm trying to figure out if it's the best thing to do. I can't keep going on like this; I'm exhausted.

This is a long post, but it's nice to get so much off my chest. I appreciate any comments/advice.

 

[prisoner84]

I think a divorce would be a better idea than a home with no love. I think you should talk to him about it and see what his feelings are. Maybe you guys can work out the divorce in a peaceful manner. Sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort for almost no reciprocation of feelings, parenting, respect etc.

 

[notsurewhattodo47]

I think a divorce would be a better idea than a home with no love. I think you should talk to him about it and see what his feelings are. Maybe you guys can work out the divorce in a peaceful manner. Sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort for almost no reciprocation of feelings, parenting, respect etc.

Thank you. I appreciate your response and the time you took to read my post. It's nice to feel support.

 

[njdad]

Who am I to give you advice? I don't know you and don't know the details of your situation and my wife has asked for a divorce. That said, I beg you to talk to him about all of this before you make up your mind once and for all. He may be a bum. He may be a drunk. He may be verbally abusive. Divorcing him may be the right thing to do for you and your girls. You don't need to stay in a bad situation, and if there is any danger, get out!

But you say that you "wonder if he thinks the same." Please don't wonder. Find out. And then you can make a decision.

I knew that my wife and I weren't communicating well, that the sex had become infrequent, that we were both working too much. I didn't know that she felt undervalued, neglected, and unhappy for years. I would never have consciously made her feel that way, and when I found out, I made immediate changes. Unfortunately, she says it is too late.

I know you don't like having to tell him what should be readily apparent, but sometimes (oftentimes) men are really dense. We see the world differently than women. Make sure that miscommunication isn't at the root of all of this before you break up your family.

Again, I don't know your situation, but I know that I would give anything for a chance to make things right before it was too late. Good luck.

 

[notsurewhattodo47]

Thank you njdad. This is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. I know that men and women are different and things that are very apparent to me may not be apparent to him. There is no danger, just unhappiness, which means that there is always a possibility that we could work it out. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but I greatly appreciate hearing your story and receiving your response. Thank you!

 

[Pluto2]

Could I suggest that you be unbelievably specific when you talk to him. Tell him how you feel when he says he doesn't want to be around his own children, how you feel when he yells at you, or doesn't help around the house. Tell him you want a partnership in the marriage and what that would mean to you. Then if he is unwilling to act, you have your answer. Remember your children are looking at the two of you for how a marriage is suppose to work. That is what pushed me into seeking divorce. My daughters need to know when things are painful you have the power to change.. Do you want them to grow up and have the same type of unhappy marriage you do? I really doubt that. You are seeking help by coming here and you can take action, whichever way you decide. Good luck and I hope you find the happiness we all deserve.