Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
107 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
It may seem like a crazy question, but here's the skinny...

Lately, until very recently, things have been great in my marriage intimacy-wise. We even had a new baby 5 months ago. Then all of a sudden things went nearly to hell (if they aren't already there and I don't realize it).

I was helping her prepare for an audition (she's in performing arts) and being a bit sarcastic at the same time. The problem is we have 3 children and so every 3 minutes there is another interruption. However, she told me that the problem was ME, and that she would be done by now if she'd done her preparation with someone else. I pretty much blew off the comment because answering it, in my mind, would have created an unneeded argument. I didn't think it was a big deal but then she screams at me "sometimes I just don't like you", frustrated that that I ignored the comment I suppose.

The following 2 days she gives me the awkward silence or very curt responses with talking, and generally uninviting gestures and body language. Then this morning on the way to work she asks, "how long do YOU want to remain disconnected, because you haven't done anything to rectify things?" She asked as if it were me causing the disconnect. I basically tell her this, and further explain that I cannot be warm and loving to someone that is cold and uninviting with me.

The immediate result of that was her telling me, "then phuck you!"

I have never felt like this before. It is indescribable, almost felt like being stabbed when she blurted those words. I just got out the car and went in to work.

She was calling my mobile and office phone incessantly throughout the morning trying to apologize, but I did not want to speak to her at all. I did not even want to engage the conversation because my job requires significant concentration.

So there it is. After work today she asked if we can make up, but I honestly don't know. The last time she spoke to me terse like this (but not quite this egregious) I found out about her spending time with another man. We obviously made up after that, but now it seems all decency and respect for me as a man and her husband has gone out the window.

Thoughts please.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
459 Posts
Outside of the "other man" comment I would have said "just love that woman" and don't get into a pride match. The end result isn't worth it if it builds up hurt and resentment in her heart.
The OM comment does bring up a red flag...I ignored red flags too long.
I'm not the best at giving advice from there, but try not to ignore red flags but don't be a jerk about it either.
You have a child. You can work through anything, but the fewer walls to breakdown in the process, the better. So try not to build many, if any.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,773 Posts
Didn't your wife have some kind of thing going on at work, where she was practicing for her performances, or something like that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
107 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Outside of the "other man" comment I would have said "just love that woman" and don't get into a pride match. The end result isn't worth it if it builds up hurt and resentment in her heart.
The OM comment does bring up a red flag...I ignored red flags too long.
I'm not the best at giving advice from there, but try not to ignore red flags but don't be a jerk about it either.
You have a child. You can work through anything, but the fewer walls to breakdown in the process, the better. So try not to build many, if any.
How am I building a wall here if she is disrespecting me?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,788 Posts
The bigger issue here (forget walls and lack of communication)... Is there another man in the picture again?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,171 Posts
She reached out to you. Some books call this a "repair effort."

You blew her off.

So she blew up at you.

Then, she felt bad, and reached out to you again.

And you blew her off again.

I'm not saying she was right. What I'm saying is that your response -- while understandable -- could have been more skillful.

Somebody's gotta break the chain. Since there's only one of you here, I think it's you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,773 Posts
Do you think she is angry because she is asking permission to go back to what she was doing during the issues in the marriage and you aren't making a decision? I guess I'm thinking she wants you to trust her to be able to practice at work like she did and either you don't realize what she is asking, or cannot live with taking that chance again, and you aren't offering a solution.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,970 Posts
It may seem like a crazy question, but here's the skinny...

Lately, until very recently, things have been great in my marriage intimacy-wise. We even had a new baby 5 months ago. Then all of a sudden things went nearly to hell (if they aren't already there and I don't realize it).

I was helping her prepare for an audition (she's in performing arts) and being a bit sarcastic at the same time. The problem is we have 3 children and so every 3 minutes there is another interruption. However, she told me that the problem was ME, and that she would be done by now if she'd done her preparation with someone else. I pretty much blew off the comment because answering it, in my mind, would have created an unneeded argument. I didn't think it was a big deal but then she screams at me "sometimes I just don't like you", frustrated that that I ignored the comment I suppose.

The following 2 days she gives me the awkward silence or very curt responses with talking, and generally uninviting gestures and body language. Then this morning on the way to work she asks, "how long do YOU want to remain disconnected, because you haven't done anything to rectify things?" She asked as if it were me causing the disconnect. I basically tell her this, and further explain that I cannot be warm and loving to someone that is cold and uninviting with me.

The immediate result of that was her telling me, "then phuck you!"

I have never felt like this before. It is indescribable, almost felt like being stabbed when she blurted those words. I just got out the car and went in to work.

She was calling my mobile and office phone incessantly throughout the morning trying to apologize, but I did not want to speak to her at all. I did not even want to engage the conversation because my job requires significant concentration.

So there it is. After work today she asked if we can make up, but I honestly don't know. The last time she spoke to me terse like this (but not quite this egregious) I found out about her spending time with another man. We obviously made up after that, but now it seems all decency and respect for me as a man and her husband has gone out the window.

Thoughts please.
I was just browsing through your other threads, and there are a few things that are really sort of sticking out for me...

* You discovered your wife in an affair early last year.
* You have a 5-month old child.
* You describe your wife's current behavior toward you as indicative of having lost respect for you; given what you've written above, I tend to agree w/ your assessment.

Are you sure you don't need one of these...?



Hell, maybe 3 of them.

After all, it might be hard for a wife to respect her husband when he's raising another man's child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,469 Posts
In my opinion, asking yourself questions like "have I lost her respect?" is a no-win. It's giving her all the power, setting yourself up to have to jump through hoops to satisfy a deity-like woman's unpredictable whims.

I'd also say that, if there is another man in the picture in any way, that is priority one. It has to be neutralized before any other issue can be resolved. There is simply no way to "work out issues" while one person is also involved (emotionally or physically) with someone else. Because you have kids, it may still be worth trying to work out, but if she is having an EA or PA that has to end and be reconciled before anything else can be resolved.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top