Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 31 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects and blame for changes in mood and feelings when adjusting. Last night I was having a bad time and I discussed my feelings with her like I usually do to help me calm down. None of my feelings involve any animosity or threats to her or my child and are all introspective. I never told her explicitly that I wished all of this to be a private matter because I kind of expected this type of thing to be very very private. I feel a huge sense of betrayal of trust which is so bad that I think I can no longer rely on her for emotional support. Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
I would like a truly objective opinion because I know that there are two sides to every story.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,646 Posts
In short, and with great emphasis.

No.

She should already know this. If not, tell her clearly and just once, not a discussion, to not discuss your medical history with anyone.

Wait for her to say I hear you, then don't bring it up again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,705 Posts
Women talk and they don’t mean any harm by it. Everyone is different, some people are open books and some people are private. I would give your wife the benefit of the doubt and not think too much Into it. The reality is, she probably didn’t think you would care and she meant no harm by it.

With that said, you need to talk to her and tell her that you heard she has been talking about your personal life, and that your not mad at her, but you do feel a sense of betrayal. Tell her you know you never told her not to tell anyone, but from now on please never ever talk to anyone about what you talk with her about.

Don’t make a mole hill into a mountain.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,350 Posts
Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
So, first off, that's not how marriage works. Your wife's friend doesn't get to "swear you to secrecy" over an issue within YOUR marriage. Nope.

Secondly, obviously you do have to tell her that this is a private matter. She seems to feel differently, or didn't think at all, and you need to get on the same page. She is not a mind reader, nor does she share a brain with you, so don't treat her as such.

So, talk to your wife about this. Be direct, but calm, and explain how you're feeling and why. Hopefully it is just a one-off. If she talks to friends again, then that's a problem. If she needs to vent to someone, suggest a therapist.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,736 Posts
Your wife is looking for sympathy at your expense.
She is an open book on everything.

It may be no more than that, or it could be a signal (to others) that she is having problems in her marriage.

And, sometimes later she will consider bailing, divorcing.

If true she is laying the groundwork for the narrative to follow.




Gwendolyn-
 
  • Like
Reactions: Lostinthought61

·
Registered
Joined
·
523 Posts
It was wrong of your wife to discuss this with her friends. But I am curious how you found this information out from her “friend.” What is your relationship with this friend? Honestly, antidepressant use is so common place that I can’t believe this friend heard your wife talking about it and was shocked and appalled enough to seek you out to tell you, but ask you to keep it a secret. That seems way off to me. What is her motivation here?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,071 Posts
In my opinion it's better they know you're doing something about it. If I had a good friend and I knew her husband was having some severe problems, I'd want to know he was doing something about it. Women worry about their friends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects and blame for changes in mood and feelings when adjusting. Last night I was having a bad time and I discussed my feelings with her like I usually do to help me calm down. None of my feelings involve any animosity or threats to her or my child and are all introspective. I never told her explicitly that I wished all of this to be a private matter because I kind of expected this type of thing to be very very private. I feel a huge sense of betrayal of trust which is so bad that I think I can no longer rely on her for emotional support. Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
I would like a truly objective opinion because I know that there are two sides to every story.
She should not have said anything without your permission. I went through a similar situation, one of which was very embarrassing to me. We now have some boundaries in place. We ask each other if a certain topics is OK to discuss with others. We honor the others no vote. In the event one of us slips some info out We must tell the other ASAP.
i understand how you feel. It happened to me and it does feel like a betrayal of trust.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
762 Posts
I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects and blame for changes in mood and feelings when adjusting. Last night I was having a bad time and I discussed my feelings with her like I usually do to help me calm down. None of my feelings involve any animosity or threats to her or my child and are all introspective. I never told her explicitly that I wished all of this to be a private matter because I kind of expected this type of thing to be very very private. I feel a huge sense of betrayal of trust which is so bad that I think I can no longer rely on her for emotional support. Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
I would like a truly objective opinion because I know that there are two sides to every story.
Forget secrecy for the friend.
Confront your wife.
Well, if you tell her this is 100% out of bounds for you and you feel betrayed and you do not want her to EVER do it again and it STOPS now.....and then she apologizes and 100% agrees to it then you may be getting somewhere.

If she defends her sharing of intimate, private info and acts as if she has no cause to stop then you've got problems.

Either way.....I think for a while she is one you can no longer share this stuff with. The one you trust the most has proven herself untrustworthy. Get a therapist or find another close friend or confess it to a pastor or counselor at church. Stop sharing with your wife. Let her know if she asks that she cannot be trusted and she has proven herself to not be a safe person to share with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,335 Posts
Totally unacceptable.

I would say, “I know I have been going through adjustments with my new med. Thanks for being understanding and patient with me. I feel that my medical decisions as far as treatment and medications are private, and I want those to remain between you and I. Please do not discuss them with your family or friends.”
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,234 Posts
You did not mention specifically, but depression meds may interfere libido. Surely, she would not discuss the sexual influences?
I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects

What I was thinking also.

Including male friends?

My mom used to talk about and belittle my dad due to his ED from diabetes. Always figured part of it was a lack of desire for her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
680 Posts
Women talk and they don’t mean any harm by it. Everyone is different, some people are open books and some people are private. I would give your wife the benefit of the doubt and not think too much Into it. The reality is, she probably didn’t think you would care and she meant no harm by it.

With that said, you need to talk to her and tell her that you heard she has been talking about your personal life, and that your not mad at her, but you do feel a sense of betrayal. Tell her you know you never told her not to tell anyone, but from now on please never ever talk to anyone about what you talk with her about.

Don’t make a mole hill into a mountain.
I completely agree with this. I'm a very private person and i would be very upset with this too.

BUT everyone is different and I'm amazed at some things people openly share about themselves. If you're very open about yourself, it's sometimes must be hard to see that others need much more privacy. Obviously it was wrong for her to assume anything on the OP's behalf. Unless there is an indication that she was being malicious (this does not seem to be the case), then approaching it calmly and trying to get her to understand your need for privacy is better than yelling at her and blaming her. She doesn't need to completely understand your need for privacy but she does need to respect it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,923 Posts
There is no right answer. If you feel hurt talk to her about it. She may be one of those open people who don't worry about stuff like that. Neither one is wrong it's something you negotiate in marriage. Now that does as long as she wasn't putting you down, but just talking about it, even asking for advice is OK for some. Being dismissive is not in any context.

By the way One in Six people are on antidepressants in the US, if that is where you are from and bet it gets higher with the way the world is today. Nothing to be ashamed of.
 
  • Like
Reactions: jlg07

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,708 Posts
I just found out from one of my wife’s friends that she has been freely discussing my prescribed use of antidepressants with many of her friends. This includes side effects and blame for changes in mood and feelings when adjusting. Last night I was having a bad time and I discussed my feelings with her like I usually do to help me calm down. None of my feelings involve any animosity or threats to her or my child and are all introspective. I never told her explicitly that I wished all of this to be a private matter because I kind of expected this type of thing to be very very private. I feel a huge sense of betrayal of trust which is so bad that I think I can no longer rely on her for emotional support. Her friend swore me to secrecy so I can’t confront her directly and feel that I shouldn’t have to tell her that this is a private matter.
I would like a truly objective opinion because I know that there are two sides to every story.
She definitely should not be disclosing any of that information. I would let her know that immediately. Even if you didn't tell her so explicitly, tell her so now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,529 Posts
That’s a huge betrayal. Can not be excused by “women like talking about things”... you can talk about yourself all you want, but you do not put your spouses private, intimate information out there. I can see it maybe in sharing it with one closest friend who would take it to the grave.but discussing it with a group of friends? I am in the middle of divorce and there are still things that I will never share about my STBX out os plain, simple respect for his privacy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
It was wrong of your wife to discuss this with her friends. But I am curious how you found this information out from her “friend.” What is your relationship with this friend? Honestly, antidepressant use is so common place that I can’t believe this friend heard your wife talking about it and was shocked and appalled enough to seek you out to tell you, but ask you to keep it a secret. That seems way off to me. What is her motivation here?
It is a male friend which I trust nothing is happening between them. Some of the things she is saying are deeply personal including weird thoughts (not threatening or about my wife at all) I am discussing with a therapist. He felt it had crossed a line but didn’t want to be the one to disrupt our marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
There is no right answer. If you feel hurt talk to her about it. She may be one of those open people who don't worry about stuff like that. Neither one is wrong it's something you negotiate in marriage. Now that does as long as she wasn't putting you down, but just talking about it, even asking for advice is OK for some. Being dismissive is not in any context.

By the way One in Six people are on antidepressants in the US, if that is where you are from and bet it gets higher with the way the world is today. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Thank You but it’s not the fact I’m on the meds it’s the things I am working through with my therapist that I thought should be a private matter.
 
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
Top