[Pame]

So we just been married for 3 months (not a long time to think he needs "something" new) plus we were in a long distance relation ship for more than a year, so I was thinking he would not have eyes for other women . He is 28 and I'm 24.
2 months ago I opened his ipad and saw picts of "legal teens" which pissed me off. It made me feel like I was not enough for him, (I don not have a great self esteem, that he needs another type of visual stimulation.
I told him how I feel about this, and he says this "art" for him, he appreciates the beauty of the women body, nothing sexual, he would not do it again.
He told me he has been downloading magazines like playboy, maxim since he liked the articles they post there, and some sports magazines and magazines for me But today when I opened the app, he got 2 porn magazines, one of legal teens (they masturbate and show absolutely everything. I think is kind of sick, they look really young) and another with guys and girls having sex and cumming in each other mouth.
I fell like we have a great sexual chemistry, I wonder if Im just making a big deal about this... It just does not feel right for me. Should I talk to him again or just let it pass. I'm sad, worry, we are just starting our lives together...
Suggestions plss!!!

 

[A Bit Much]

Is it a dealbreaker for you? That's what you need to decide.

He didn't say he'd stop looking after you told him how you felt. Keep that in mind.

 

[richie33]

Did you talk about this before marriage? Did you tell him your feelings about porn?
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[Pame]

I did not know he liked it, so we never talked about it. and when I talked to him a month ago, he said he would not do it again, that he was sorry.

 

[PBear]

How long were you physically close to each other before you got married? Some guys watch porn, some guys don't. If porn was a dealbreaker for you, you should have brought it up before getting married. Making a stink about it now will likely just drive him to try to hide it, because he won't see anything wrong with it.

How's your sex life, in general?

C
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[AgentD]

My guess is, this is something he was already into before you all married, or dated, or even met possibly. Just because you are now married, I doubt that will change things.

 

[unbelievable]

Does his art ever depict fat, ugly women? Guys are visual creatures and the normal ones among us like to look at attractive, naked women. Now, does the activity add anything positive to a marriage? Not as far as I can tell. Seems like a juvenile, useless waste of time to me. It doesn't make your husband a pervert and it doesn't mean you're "not enough" for him. It means you married a heterosexual male. I do find his explanations to be pretty lame and more than a little funny. He reads this stuff for the intellectual articles. Hah! If I open a magazine and there's a photo of a woman with sperm around her mouth, I just know I'm in for an intellectual feast if I read the associated articles. At least he could be honest about who he is. He's a guy and he's a horn-dog. He's a horn-dog because he's a guy. Some of us grow up. There are about a million better uses for his time.

 

[tacoma]

I did not know he liked it, so we never talked about it. and when I talked to him a month ago, he said he would not do it again, that he was sorry.

He only said that because you kinda freaked on him over it.

He will be continuing this habit.
Only now he'll be hiding it.
Until you find it again.
Then he'll hide it better.
Then you'll find it again.
After that you'll start doing stuff like putting monitoring software on his computer.
Then he'll raise the data allowance on his phone and stop using the computer.

Very vicious cycle you're about to enter.

Question is, do you want such a thing to become a problem in your relationship?

You're young so I'll tell you it's unlikely you'll find another man any different considering porn

 

[Pame]

Before I have to leave we were together for 8 months then he use to visited me every 3 to 4 months for the year that i was away, we use to speak every day, day and night, and whenever we feel like doing other "things" thru the webcam we did it.
Our sex live is good, we like to try new things and roll play and I tried to surprise him every time I can with lingerie or lap dance...

 

[Grayson]

Is it "wrong?" Only the two of you can decide if it's a no-go for the two of you.

If he's neglecting your needs to look at it, that's a problem he has. But, it doesn't sound like that's the case. So, I'd say, instead of freaking out about it, sit down and talk honestly about it and determine where - if anywhere - it fits into your relationship.
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[wiigirl]

My guess is, this is something he was already into before you all married, or dated, or even met possibly. Just because you are now married, I doubt that will change things.

:iagree:

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[badcompany]

What has precedence?
You or the mags?
Some go this route to fill in the "gaps" when their needs aren't being met, or to simply get in a good mindset after a stressfull event. I can't count the times I've utilized such material to put "life" on the back burner, and get in a mindset to jump my wife when she comes to bed.

 

[mablenc]

Please don't go crazy on him and monitor all his activity, I did this and it just sucks. Instead realize that he married you, this is probably old habits. Nothing to do with you. If you are open about it you both can discuss whether its wrong and how much is acceptable. It's not ok if he replaced you with it, or is viewing it all day.
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[A Bit Much]

Before I have to leave we were together for 8 months then he use to visited me every 3 to 4 months for the year that i was away, we use to speak every day, day and night, and whenever we feel like doing other "things" thru the webcam we did it.
Our sex live is good, we like to try new things and roll play and I tried to surprise him every time I can with lingerie or lap dance...

But you haven't said if this is a deal breaker or not? You seem like an open minded person. Don't browbeat him over this if your sex life is good. Just my .02

 

[Cosmos]

This is the sort of thing that really needs to be discussed before marriage, OP. Some people are OK with porn, others are not. The best you can do right now, IMO, is tell him how you feel and see if you can reach a compromise.

 

[Theseus]

I did not know he liked it, so we never talked about it.

You should have already known. Virtually all men look at porn. It's so normal that even 90% of the men who claim they don't look at porn still do. Heck, I have been to Arab countries where porn carries a severe prison sentence, yet local young men will gladly all show me the porn on their smart phones. Trust me, they all watch porn.

and when I talked to him a month ago, he said he would not do it again, that he was sorry.

A lot of women don't realize that they have their own version of porn. They read romance novels, watch soap operas, or read erotic books like 50 Shades of Grey. Or they fall in love with famous actors. The rich, tall, handsome men in these things can also make husbands feel insecure. What if he asked you to give those up? Would you consider that a fair request? Or would you consider that too controlling? If you think that would be an unfair thing for him to ask, then maybe you need to re-examine your own demands.

 

[daisygirl 41]

My H and I never discussed porn before we married. I just presumed as a healthy 21 year old that he probably did indulge, like most men.
Over the years we have watched some together and he has occasionally viewed it alone. Now 20 years later he hardly ever bothers. It's not really a part of our lives.
I think your H is just a normal young man. This has nothing to do about the way he feels and thinks about you.
You need have the discussin, without becoming over emotional and demanding. You don't want him thinking he has to hide things from you this early in the relationship!
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[waiwera]

OP - I agree with most of what has been said. Should have been discussed before marriage...

Did you really think he never looked at porn? Where did you get that idea? The subject of porn must have come up over the years.


IMO more men really need to 'man up' on this issue ( I know some do... I'm saying more/all need to ). THEY need to bring up this subject before marriage (women do as well but I don't know any women who say they don't look at porn when they do...but no doubt they exist).

Most men know women can be touchy on this subject...but too many say nothing. Leaving a timebomb ticking in the marriage. I see it quite regularly here on TAM and it has ruined a marriage I know of in RL.

There's no point telling me that something is good and healthy and normal all the while you lie, sneak and deny anything to do with it. It's this behavior which so often causes a lot of the pain associated with porn... what a man will do to protect his love of porn. No wife wants to be lied to or deceived... just like no man wants this in his marriage. No matter the subject/issue.

We discussed porn along with child rearing, religion, sex, finances etc... we both knew what we getting ourselves into when we married.

OP clearly didn't, I feel quite sorry for her.

 

[Faiora]

I think it's important to keep an open mind every time you first approach something. This doesn't mean you need to agree with it - but you need to be open to the possibility that you could agree with it under some unknown circumstances.

So, why do you have a problem with porn? Did your upbringing teach you that it wasn't okay? Do you just think it's icky? Do you feel like he's cheating on you? Do your religious beliefs or morals prohibit it, and if so, how? You might have a very legitimate reason for not being okay with it, but I think you should really think about that and clarify. If you don't know why it upsets you, then it shouldn't upset you.

My personal thoughts on porn: It doesn't matter, as long as it's not viewed to the extent that it interferes with important things. It's basically a visual representation of a fantasy, and I think fantasies are healthy.

Keep in mind that you and your husband have some different interests and beliefs - and those won't go away just because you're married. There are going to be some things he likes that you don't, and vice-versa. If you have a very strong moral issue with porn, it may be worth pursuing, but just like in a friendship, at your job, or anywhere else, it's important to "pick your battles." You both need to give each other freedom, so you can expect the same in turn.

By immediately expressing that you don't like porn, you've put up a barrier - that isn't a "safe" topic anymore. If you can accept your husband viewing porn, it might be good to make it safe again (by apologizing for your reaction) so it doesn't turn into something that's always hidden from you. In fact, if there's any way you can get involved, it might even be good for your relationship.

Now, I don't mean you need to watch porn with him (if you find it icky, it probably won't do much for you anyway), but maybe there are fantasies you could talk about with him. Maybe he's seen something he'd like to try. At least ask him what kind of things he likes to look at - what does it for him (but not if you're still upset about it - only if you make it clear you've decided to be okay with it).

Communication is so important - I'd say the hands-down-number-one most important indicator of a healthy relationship. If there is something you can't talk to your hubby about, whether it's you or him holding up communications, then something is wrong. Keep the lines open and learn to accept (at least most of) the things you learn about each other.

 

[Stonewall]

testosterone is a cruel taskmaster.