Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 34 Posts

Registered
Joined
11 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello 馃憢馃徏,
I鈥檓 not sure where to start and Im going to try and make this as short as possible. ( Please excuse the grammar).
My husband and I have been together 12 years married for ten. I can count on my two hands how many times we have been intimate. (No it鈥檚 not me that鈥檚 not wanting it and he does not have a medical issue). Ive tried talking to him several times about this. Ive tried getting him to see a therapist. We went to a marriage counselor a few times but he never followed through what the therapist suggested. Its taken all I have not to have an affair.
On top of it anything I ask him to do he pushes aside until I get upset and then that still only gets me him being pissy for a couple days but when he wants something done by me he expects it to be done.
I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of years now and she keeps asking me when am I going to meet my needs and be happy.My husband is a very hard worker. We own our own business and he is away from home six days a week. This isn鈥檛 either of our first marriage and we are raising my two and a galf year old grandnephew (Im 52) and have had him since birth. He knows us as Mom and Dad. So the big factors for me on why I feel Im stuck dealing with not making myself happy is 1.) I鈥檓 52 and how am I ever going to afford my home, daycare and who is going to hire a 52 year old. 2.) The thought of starting over again scares the hell out of me 3.) I don鈥檛 feel like Im worth enough to make myself happy.
I feel guilty wanting intimacy and feeling like I matter. I want to be heard and I want to feel desired but the blocks are up way to high.
Im just so lost.
 

Registered
Joined
4,640 Posts
No normal at all. Waited to have sex after marriage? If so, this is maybe a textbook case if why it鈥檚 not always the best idea...
If you did, why did you marry him, knowing how he was in that aspect?

last of all, I鈥檓 sorry your husband doesn鈥檛 understand or seem to care about your NORMAL need sexual intimacy, and I are not wrong for wanting that.
See about getting him a testosterone shot.
 

Registered
Joined
2,387 Posts
Tell him if he doesn鈥檛 follow through with the therapist you have no choice but to seek it elsewhere. His choice.... you are giving him fair warning.

As in..... he will get on the phone today and make an appointment.
 

Registered
Joined
3,915 Posts
To answer your question no it is not normal, do you know if he masturbates? Has he had his testosterone level check? Btw how old is he?
 

Registered
Joined
11 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Is he not willing to go to therapy with you and fix this? If not I would seriously consider moving on.
He said he would go back to marriage counseling but marriage counselor told us when we went last time he needs to seek out counseling to work in himself before he can work on us and he is not willing to do that.
 

Registered
Joined
3,993 Posts
Less than 10 times in 12 years?????

That鈥檚 not even human in my book.

People are going to tell you to have his testosterone checked and to talk to him about it and to try to get him in to marital counseling etc.

But less than once a year for 12 years is pointless to try pursue.

Let鈥檚 say you have a 100% improvement in 2021. That means you will be intimate less than twice for the whole year.

He is a dud in bed.

In order for him to go from dud to an even acceptable lover, you would have to load him into the Sexatronic Libido Reanimator and completely rearrange his entire sexual molecular structure.

You choice is actually pretty simple and straight forward here - if you want a sex life, it is going to have to be with someone else.

Whether you stay in your current domestic situation and get it on the side or whether you leave is up to you.

But what is certain is you aren鈥檛 going to be getting it from and even if you do, it likely won鈥檛 be any good anyway.
 

Registered
Joined
11 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Less than 10 times in 12 years?????

That鈥檚 not even human in my book.

People are going to tell you to have his testosterone checked and to talk to him about it and to try to get him in to marital counseling etc.

But less than once a year for 12 years is pointless to try pursue.

Let鈥檚 say you have a 100% improvement in 2021. That means you will be intimate less than twice for the whole year.

He is a dud in bed.

In order for him to go from dud to an even acceptable lover, you would have to load him into the Sexatronic Libido Reanimator and completely rearrange his entire sexual molecular structure.

You choice is actually pretty simple and straight forward here - if you want a sex life, it is going to have to be with someone else.

Whether you stay in your current domestic situation and get it on the side or whether you leave is up to you.

But what is certain is you aren鈥檛 going to be getting it from and even if you do, it likely won鈥檛 be any good anyway.
I know what your saying is true. It brakes my heart that I know where its going to end up if I want to have my needs emotionally, sexually and mentally met but I still hold on tight to the hopes it will magically get better. Although Im realistic enough to know there just that, magical hopes that wont happen.
 

Registered
Joined
11 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Tell him if he doesn鈥檛 follow through with the therapist you have no choice but to seek it elsewhere. His choice.... you are giving him fair warning.

As in..... he will get on the phone today and make an appointment.
I have and he blows up at me telling me how selfish I am and what a stupid thing to say 馃槩
 

Registered
Joined
11 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
No normal at all. Waited to have sex after marriage? If so, this is maybe a textbook case if why it鈥檚 not always the best idea...
If you did, why did you marry him, knowing how he was in that aspect?

last of all, I鈥檓 sorry your husband doesn鈥檛 understand or seem to care about your NORMAL need sexual intimacy, and I are not wrong for wanting that.
See about getting him a testosterone shot.
No we had sex before marriage. However we had long distance relationship. 1000 miles apart.
 

Registered
Joined
3,993 Posts
I have and he blows up at me telling me how selfish I am and what a stupid thing to say 馃槩

You have nothing to work with here.

If you had said you had a great sex life for many years but that it had dropped off lately.. and if he was willing to discuss it and work on it, I would say you may have a fighting chance.

But you got nuth鈥檔.

This is how and who he is.

This actually makes it easier for you because it takes all of the 鈥渨hat if?s鈥 out of the equation.

This is cut and dried binary - stay with him and keep living the way you have been (not entirely true as it will get worse as he ages)

- or get it elsewhere.

Those are your choices.

It鈥檚 whatever you chose to do for yourself because you aren鈥檛 going to be able to transform him into a lover.
 

Registered
Joined
3,993 Posts
I know what your saying is true. It brakes my heart that I know where its going to end up if I want to have my needs emotionally, sexually and mentally met but I still hold on tight to the hopes it will magically get better. Although Im realistic enough to know there just that, magical hopes that wont happen.
This means you are currently still hooked on Hopium.

If you are in therapy, you need to shift the emphasis to breaking your Hopium addiction and facing the reality.
 

Registered
Joined
238 Posts
Hello 馃憢馃徏,
I鈥檓 not sure where to start and Im going to try and make this as short as possible. ( Please excuse the grammar).
My husband and I have been together 12 years married for ten. I can count on my two hands how many times we have been intimate. (No it鈥檚 not me that鈥檚 not wanting it and he does not have a medical issue). Ive tried talking to him several times about this. Ive tried getting him to see a therapist. We went to a marriage counselor a few times but he never followed through what the therapist suggested. Its taken all I have not to have an affair.
On top of it anything I ask him to do he pushes aside until I get upset and then that still only gets me him being pissy for a couple days but when he wants something done by me he expects it to be done.
I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of years now and she keeps asking me when am I going to meet my needs and be happy.My husband is a very hard worker. We own our own business and he is away from home six days a week. This isn鈥檛 either of our first marriage and we are raising my two and a galf year old grandnephew (Im 52) and have had him since birth. He knows us as Mom and Dad. So the big factors for me on why I feel Im stuck dealing with not making myself happy is 1.) I鈥檓 52 and how am I ever going to afford my home, daycare and who is going to hire a 52 year old. 2.) The thought of starting over again scares the hell out of me 3.) I don鈥檛 feel like Im worth enough to make myself happy.
I feel guilty wanting intimacy and feeling like I matter. I want to be heard and I want to feel desired but the blocks are up way to high.
Im just so lost.
Never feel guilty wanting to be happy. Six days away at work is not conducive to a good marriage. This you know. Your H will need to make changes in his work or you will need to make changes in the marriage(D). Explain this to your H. The ball will be in his court. Be willing to lose the marriage to save it.
 

Premium Member
Joined
8,079 Posts
There are those who stay and there are those who leave. You鈥檒l have to decide which category you鈥檙e in.
 

Registered
Joined
3,915 Posts
I have to say I am stumped as to his reason for not having sex with you.....and frankly his comment of being selfish goes directly to him not you....the fact he chose to make you feel like it鈥檚 your problem is very troublesome and deeply disturbing. If this relationship did not get any better would you stay in it?
 
1 - 20 of 34 Posts
Top