[Skyye]

My husband and I are working through a bad patch, we have gotten along like we did in the beginning (really well) for two weeks, we were talking future again etc..., until today, we were talking and he said we need some goals together (which I have been saying for two years).

Although I say we have been getting along great he has some sort of depression, he can be narcissistic and when he went thru a pot phase and withdrawl we thought he might be bipolar.

Anyhow, I stated many goals I thought we reach together but he cut them all down, for instance I want to move to a bigger place or buy a small house. We are very unhappy in this dark basement suite for two years now ever since he has lived in Canada, however, he says well that would be nice if I though you could keep it clean. Ugggghhhh I am sorry to lay partial blame, but except for dishes maybe once a week he does NOTHING ever, oh...garbage too. Seriously tho, nothing. "I work harder than you can ever imagine" he says, and yes he works with heavy windows, I know its heavy. He figures because I sit in my chair all day at work I should do EVERYTHING, even when he didn't have work at first he said I should have still done everything because I should have known how depressing it was for him, stuck in the house while I was out at work.

My clean house, slim body etc...etc... stopped when him and his depression landed in Canada. We knew eachother for 3 years prior and I flew to see him a few months here and there, but he went from happy on anti-d's, quitting them cold turkey as they can affect your libido, to binge drinking 8-10 times over a few months (remember the Hasselhoff video?) same as that but worse. Then to smoking pot, huge amounts all day long. Well...it is not his fault, but my reaction to this was to eat and I did not clean the house as perfectly anymore as I was rebelling probably.

He takes no responsibility at all and asks what kind of real woman would put on weight with their new husband and how could I expect to keep a nicer home as I have failed here.

I am going to post these stupid arguments from time to time, as I need to hear what others think just for my sanity lol. I used to be very strong and independent, now I am lost in all this crap.

Oh...and once again he says thats it, I am not happy, you can not even think of a goal for the two of us (I thought of 5 but he will not think of any) and of course we are arguing at this point as he has no right to insult me over and over and he (once again) says, thats it, it's over lets just pay off our bills and part friendly (he does not want to move out or out of the bed) and then he says "I would be happy if you met a great guy, I will help you lose weight to meet one, nothing would make me happier" What is with that? Everytime we have the big fights he says this garbage. Such a passive-aggressive/controllling or some kind of verbal abuse.

Would love some feedback, especially from men as I know they do think differently.

Thank you so much!

 

[Ostera]

Your husband is emotionally abusing you.. plan and simple.. in today world, both parties share equal responsibilities.. this guys sounds like he should be living in the 50's. I'm a guy and I am 50. You need to set boundaries with him. If you don't, you will become enslaved.

 

[Uptown]

Skyye, I agree with Ostera. I suggest you familiarize yourself with NPD traits by reading Kathy Batesel's overview of narcissism in her blog article at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

My husband and I are working through a bad patch, we have gotten along like we did in the beginning (really well) for two weeks, we were talking future again etc..., until today, we were talking and he said we need some goals together (which I have been saying for two years).

Although I say we have been getting along great he has some sort of depression, he can be narcissistic and when he went thru a pot phase and withdrawl we thought he might be bipolar.

Anyhow, I stated many goals I thought we reach together but he cut them all down, for instance I want to move to a bigger place or buy a small house. We are very unhappy in this dark basement suite for two years now ever since he has lived in Canada, however, he says well that would be nice if I though you could keep it clean. Ugggghhhh I am sorry to lay partial blame, but except for dishes maybe once a week he does NOTHING ever, oh...garbage too. Seriously tho, nothing. "I work harder than you can ever imagine" he says, and yes he works with heavy windows, I know its heavy. He figures because I sit in my chair all day at work I should do EVERYTHING, even when he didn't have work at first he said I should have still done everything because I should have known how depressing it was for him, stuck in the house while I was out at work.

My clean house, slim body etc...etc... stopped when him and his depression landed in Canada. We knew eachother for 3 years prior and I flew to see him a few months here and there, but he went from happy on anti-d's, quitting them cold turkey as they can affect your libido, to binge drinking 8-10 times over a few months (remember the Hasselhoff video?) same as that but worse. Then to smoking pot, huge amounts all day long. Well...it is not his fault, but my reaction to this was to eat and I did not clean the house as perfectly anymore as I was rebelling probably.

He takes no responsibility at all and asks what kind of real woman would put on weight with their new husband and how could I expect to keep a nicer home as I have failed here.

I am going to post these stupid arguments from time to time, as I need to hear what others think just for my sanity lol. I used to be very strong and independent, now I am lost in all this crap.

Oh...and once again he says thats it, I am not happy, you can not even think of a goal for the two of us (I thought of 5 but he will not think of any) and of course we are arguing at this point as he has no right to insult me over and over and he (once again) says, thats it, it's over lets just pay off our bills and part friendly (he does not want to move out or out of the bed) and then he says "I would be happy if you met a great guy, I will help you lose weight to meet one, nothing would make me happier" What is with that? Everytime we have the big fights he says this garbage. Such a passive-aggressive/controllling or some kind of verbal abuse.

Would love some feedback, especially from men as I know they do think differently.

Thank you so much!

Look, you can't win against a narcissistic addictive depressed personality type. He is typically cutting you down and not doing his fair share and then starting crazy-making arguments with you. For your own sake, you should leave. Even if you can keep the place clean and do everything he should be doing and keep yourself up, he will resent you for it because he can't do that stuff, and he will keep up the abusive behavior. There is nothing worse than living with success for a narcissist who can't achieve it for himself. Your story makes me glad I am through with my ex-boyfriend after only 4 months. I'm so glad I went and stayed with him on weekends when my kids weren't around. I learned a lot. I think you did not know your H for long enough before getting married and committing. N's tell a real good story, but they don't measure up in reality...they are always talking about the future after the 'minor' obstacles are overcome yet they are stagnant and do nothing to move in that direction, they check out of reality when they can and when they are forced back to it, they snap. If you leave them alone they will panic and look for attention, and even sacrifice some N-source for a while to secure it again. Then it's back to the same old same old. Find yourself a female roommate who's a bit of a feminist and get yourself situated. You can do a lot better than this guy for a husband. If you try to help him, he's just going to resent you for your ability to do so. If you don't have kids you shouldn't look back. I am PRO-MARRIAGE. But what you have isn't a marriage, it's a dependent growth that is sucking the life blood out of you. He is not doing much in the way of self-care with this binging and going off of Rx cold turkey and the pot and the cold turkey with that. Who does that, and honestly expects someone else to be there for them, when they don't even take care of themself? I could see if he had PTSD from war and was working on it in therapy or something, but it sounds like this guy is a loser and would really love to quit his job and stay home and just mooch. Having children or any kind of reliable family life with this guy will be impossible, you do see that, don't you?
Cut your losses now, before you lose all your self-respect.

The whole physical work thing sounds like bunk. Come on, women work in rice fields and factories and bicycle home and cook dinner after having to shop for it, all on a single-burner in the back yard kitchen, then they have to go to a common place for a shower and a sh*t. There is no reason why a well-fed man living in a first-world country can't work all day and wash some dishes or fold some laundry or run a vacuum cleaner. My ex BF also said he was ohhhh 47 and he blows glass in his studio (some days) and it is physical work and it makes him tired. Of course, he has enough energy to go out mountain biking with his buddies. But the dishes, he would leave them for me, and only vacuum (sometimes) if I was coming over. As for cleaning the counters or anything like that, he wanted a gold medal any time he did anything, he would point it out. I could see my future...having to act all enthusiastic because he went to the dump or managed to build a fire in the woodstove when it was cold. No way! Just do your housekeeping because you like to live in a clean place, and accept that everyone does that sh*t because living in sloth s*cks and adults shouldn't expect other adults to clean up their mess.

 

[Skyye]

Thank you everyone! This did cheer me up, and Homemaker - You sure this wasn't the same guy? haha What did you mean by N-source? Wasn't familiar with that term. Thanks again.