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Please be honest, is it just me? I’ve been with my partner just 6 years. We are both divorced and now have a two year old daughter together and have lived together 4 years. Throughout the years I have struggled with her texting other men. In the beginning I caught her talking to men on messenger taking selfies of her anatomy and other sexual things. She couldn’t see the harm in what she was doing but I suggested it may not be good for our relationship so she said she would stop. However, even when baby was born she was still texting him, I never caught her being intimate again but she lied about it and covered it up with a different name on her phone, called him donna. She speaks to other men, her ex husband who she was still having sex with when we first met, and other long term male friends. She never really tells me who she is talking to and accuses me of having issues around being insecure and paranoid. After the rocky start we had I have a right to feel like that. She thinks I’m controlling and trying to dictate who she speaks to. Truth is I haven’t been able to let go of the past. She says she wants to be able to speak to whoever she wants about whatever she wants, I feel there should be some boundaries. She said she is happy for me to speak to whoever I want and doesn’t care about what I discuss. I don’t feel comfortable with any of this. I think there should be boundaries, things that couples keep between themselves but apparently I’m living in the dark ages. She’s probably going to leave me because I’m so insecure and controlling. Up until two years ago she was changing names of males on her phone and lying about the conversations she was having and really couldn’t see anything wrong in what she was doing! It’s no wonder I’m paranoid and anxious. I work 70 hours per week, when I’m at home she spends a lot of time on her phone. She won’t marry me nor barely commit to us. All I want is to feel secure in our relationship and be open and transparent about who she is texting. Yes I think it’s ok if she has a male friend but not several and not to talk about whatever she likes. Her ex husband treats her like **** but she will still protect him if I cause her of texting him. She says it’s none of my business. I’m stuck, I love her but she sees me as controlling and I’m becoming more and more anxious. I know she will leave if she doesn’t get to do what she wants.
 

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At best you've been with an attention ***** for 6 years. At worst she's also been cheating for 6 years. You should probably DNA test your daughter because honestly, you never know.

Her actions are absolutely NOT acceptable. Well, they are, to you. Why? Because you've been allowing her to treat you this way for 6 years.

No **** you don't feel secure! She has given you no reason to! After her affair, and yes sexting is cheating, she should have been bending over backwards. She wasn't. She was gaslighting and blameshifting.

Based on what you wrote here, you are not insecure and controlling. She is the one out of line, not you.

You need to let this one go, man. She doesn't want to be with you. She won't even marry you! Why? Because she's waiting for someone "better" to come along.

If you didn't have those issues in the beginning one could assume you need to spend more time together. Couples need to spend 20 hours/week of uninterrupted time together. That's impossible when you're working 70 hours a week. Like I said though, these issues have been around since day 1 so your work schedule may not have helped but it certainly wasn't the cause.

Tell me, does SHE work or does she just mooch off of you?

You deserve better and you'd be so much happier without her sucking the happiness our of you.
 

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No, sir. It ain't just you.

I know she will leave if she doesn’t get to do what she wants.
You have my permission to dance an Irish jig. And I'm not even an Irishman.

And, I will dance one for your daughter, who will no longer be taught to carry on in such a reprehensible way.

Truth is I haven’t been able to let go of the past.
Of course, you can't. It's not "the past".... No one can let go of the present.

have lived together 4 years.
You need to see an attorney, and find out 1) if the state where you live recognizes "common-law" marriages; and 2) how many years are required for it.

Don't become married to this woman through non-action.

And, yes, get your child DNA tested.
 

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This is what you signed up for and you're now complaining about it? You liked it so much you moved in with her and had a child with her. Desperation is never attractive.
 

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However, even when baby was born she was still texting him, I never caught her being intimate again but she lied about it and covered it up with a different name on her phone, called him donna. She speaks to other men, her ex husband who she was still having sex with when we first met, and other long term male friends. She never really tells me who she is talking to and accuses me of having issues around being insecure and paranoid. After the rocky start we had I have a right to feel like that. She thinks I’m controlling and trying to dictate who she speaks to. Truth is I haven’t been able to let go of the past. She says she wants to be able to speak to whoever she wants about whatever she wants, I feel there should be some boundaries.
It doesn't sound as if she ever behaved in a trustworthy manner. When I was looking for the second time around, I reminded myself that I need to find a man who wants what I want before I get permanently hitched. Getting or having a baby counts as "permanently hitched." Did she sneak the pregnancy on you or were you just sleeping at the wheel.
 

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I don't know what you have, nor am I sure why you would want it.
She lies, cheats, disrespects you and you tolerate it through your inaction.
I agree with those who advise you to get an attorney and a DNA test.
You need to distance yourself from this ghastly human who is your whatever.
If your daughter is yours, you need to look out for her best interests and see that she is provided for.
You need to distance yourself from this woman as much as possible.
You need to work toward the time that your only contact with her is regarding your daughter (if DNA proves that is the case.)
 

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Sadly you knew what type of person you were marrying before you both too know her vows....but for you to post today tells me that you are finally ready to make a decision and as I can see you have three choices.

1. Divorce her
2. Continue to accept her behavior
3. Take her challenge and develop a relationship with someone else and see if this pisses her off to stop....but I doubt it.
 

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There are lots and lots of people who claim one thing but do another. I'm sure you've known people who lie but claim "I'm not a liar." Or people who steal but clam "I'm not a thief."

That kind of hypocrisy abounds.

Then there are lots and lots of people who claim they are a certain way but don't really know what it means, so they don't know what they are saying. Or people who claim they are not a certain way but don't know what it is they are denying.

You fall in there somewhere because I'm not sure you know what "controlling" means. You only know she calls you controlling, so you claim to be controlling because she said it. But I think a person has to actually be successful at it in order to be controlling. What you're doing is complaining to her and TRYING to control her. But she keeps doing it, so I don't know why she calls you controlling or why you claimed it.

Nevertheless, this is no way to live. What you don't understand is the purpose of dating, which is to get to know a person and scrutinize their character and behaviors in order to determine if they are the right person for you. If they're not, then you move to try to find someone who is right for you. You don't spend 6 years complaining about their behaviors and TRYING to control them.

You made the same mistake a lot of people make. You met someone and decided to hook up with her just because you met her. Okay, so you liked her a lot and wanted to be with her. But once you saw how she was, you were supposed to keep stepping. It means you had no standards for the women you met. You met them and hooked up with them and that was all. When she talked with men in the beginning, you never told yourself "I don't want to be with a woman who is talking to men on messenger taking selfies of her anatomy and other sexual things." You feel there should be boundaries, but you never thought to yourself "I don't want to be with a woman who has no boundaries." Those are the kinds of standards a man should establish for himself and the women he meets. Instead, you hooked up with a woman who has no boundaries and does all kinds of things with other men. And all you do is complain about it and try to stop her from doing it.

You cannot stop her, and there isn't anyone here who can help you to stop her. There are no magic potions, no magic wands to wave, no magic rabbit's foot that can turn her into the person you want her to be. There's just you and your need to establish some standards in your life.

Stop being so afraid she will leave you. Man up and stop being so desperate to stay with a woman who disrespects you because she has no respect for herself. She actually should leave you because you should have the wherewithal and mental fortitude not to want to be with a woman like her.
 

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Please be honest, is it just me? I’ve been with my partner just 6 years. We are both divorced and now have a two year old daughter together and have lived together 4 years. Throughout the years I have struggled with her texting other men. In the beginning I caught her talking to men on messenger taking selfies of her anatomy and other sexual things. She couldn’t see the harm in what she was doing but I suggested it may not be good for our relationship so she said she would stop. However, even when baby was born she was still texting him, I never caught her being intimate again but she lied about it and covered it up with a different name on her phone, called him donna. She speaks to other men, her ex husband who she was still having sex with when we first met, and other long term male friends. She never really tells me who she is talking to and accuses me of having issues around being insecure and paranoid. After the rocky start we had I have a right to feel like that. She thinks I’m controlling and trying to dictate who she speaks to. Truth is I haven’t been able to let go of the past. She says she wants to be able to speak to whoever she wants about whatever she wants, I feel there should be some boundaries. She said she is happy for me to speak to whoever I want and doesn’t care about what I discuss. I don’t feel comfortable with any of this. I think there should be boundaries, things that couples keep between themselves but apparently I’m living in the dark ages. She’s probably going to leave me because I’m so insecure and controlling. Up until two years ago she was changing names of males on her phone and lying about the conversations she was having and really couldn’t see anything wrong in what she was doing! It’s no wonder I’m paranoid and anxious. I work 70 hours per week, when I’m at home she spends a lot of time on her phone. She won’t marry me nor barely commit to us. All I want is to feel secure in our relationship and be open and transparent about who she is texting. Yes I think it’s ok if she has a male friend but not several and not to talk about whatever she likes. Her ex husband treats her like **** but she will still protect him if I cause her of texting him. She says it’s none of my business. I’m stuck, I love her but she sees me as controlling and I’m becoming more and more anxious. I know she will leave if she doesn’t get to do what she wants.
This would be a no compromise deal breaker for me. Sexting other men, lying, claiming the right to secretly talk to any man she wants would be divorce worthy. I think you are within reason to divorce her over this. It is a form of unfaithfulness.
She has messed up values. She wants to act single. You telling her was the key. Since she didn't apologize, and stop it but told you, you were some backwards person it is obvious she is not devoted to you as a husband and she is so blinded by her own selfishness of just doing whatever she wants regardless of whether it hurts you and violates her marriage intimacy it seems like she is just gone. She is a wayward spouse whether these affairs are only emotional or physical.
I'd look into talking with a lawyer and research ending things with this selfish person.

You mentioned being worried she would leave you. I do not know why you would stay with such a person....I would expect someone with balls and self respect to pitch a cheater like this to the curb. Dude, there are 3.5 BILLION women out there. Go find a better one.
 

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Why did you think think this person would be a good partner, wife and mother?

And a more important question is now that you know who and what she is, what makes you think she is going to be an even acceptable partner, wife and mother going forward???
 

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Its a shame that you have a child together because otherwise my advise would be to run dont look back. You ignored massive red flags all through, starting with the fact that she was still having sex with her ex.
She has no moral values, no idea about what faithfullness means, she lies and deveives and cheats. She is an appalling partner and a terrible example for her daughter.
 

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Please be honest, is it just me?
Yes, it is you. Just you , because from the very beginning you didn't have the guts to end a relationship with an individual that showed you no respect (you taught her to disrespect you), and you kept going for more. So, really the question is why are you still nagging and complaining when you know that you won't do a thing to either get respect or leave the relationship. My advice: shut up and put up, because guys like you that's all they can ever do, or prove me wrong. Oh!... Check with a lawyer and DNA test the kid, that's a start.
 

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It is you for not ending things 5 years ago. You have brought all of this on yourself because you don’t respect yourself. Lawyer up to get 50/50 if not 100% custody of your daughter. DNA test your daughter. If your name is on the birth certificate, you will be held financially responsible for her.
 

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Please be honest, is it just me? I’ve been with my partner just 6 years. We are both divorced and now have a two year old daughter together and have lived together 4 years. Throughout the years I have struggled with her texting other men. In the beginning I caught her talking to men on messenger taking selfies of her anatomy and other sexual things. She couldn’t see the harm in what she was doing but I suggested it may not be good for our relationship so she said she would stop. However, even when baby was born she was still texting him, I never caught her being intimate again but she lied about it and covered it up with a different name on her phone, called him donna. She speaks to other men, her ex husband who she was still having sex with when we first met, and other long term male friends. She never really tells me who she is talking to and accuses me of having issues around being insecure and paranoid. After the rocky start we had I have a right to feel like that. She thinks I’m controlling and trying to dictate who she speaks to. Truth is I haven’t been able to let go of the past. She says she wants to be able to speak to whoever she wants about whatever she wants, I feel there should be some boundaries. She said she is happy for me to speak to whoever I want and doesn’t care about what I discuss. I don’t feel comfortable with any of this. I think there should be boundaries, things that couples keep between themselves but apparently I’m living in the dark ages. She’s probably going to leave me because I’m so insecure and controlling. Up until two years ago she was changing names of males on her phone and lying about the conversations she was having and really couldn’t see anything wrong in what she was doing! It’s no wonder I’m paranoid and anxious. I work 70 hours per week, when I’m at home she spends a lot of time on her phone. She won’t marry me nor barely commit to us. All I want is to feel secure in our relationship and be open and transparent about who she is texting. Yes I think it’s ok if she has a male friend but not several and not to talk about whatever she likes. Her ex husband treats her like **** but she will still protect him if I cause her of texting him. She says it’s none of my business. I’m stuck, I love her but she sees me as controlling and I’m becoming more and more anxious. I know she will leave if she doesn’t get to do what she wants.
She is using you, she is with you only for the money.
 
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