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I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death....
Ah, here lies part of the problem. Its not your decision whether or not he drinks himself to death, its HIS. Please stop thinking you have any control over what he does, because you dont, and if he wants to drink himself to death, it really isnt your business. I know it doesnt make logical sense. You and your feelings are of no concern to him. But you can make the choice to no longer be a witness or a participant to his self destruction.
Yeah, listen to 3x...

I did what you are doing, until I had a stroke... Then for the first time in years, I had clarity... Also, after the stroke, she got 2 Dui's in to weeks. Or was that before? I don't remember.

However, laying in the hospital bed I realized, if I keep doing this I am going to die.

That will wake you up. That was the beginning of me starting to live a healthier life, for me and my happiness.

And you know what if she OD's for some reason that is not my fault, it is not my responsibility. I will comfort my kids as best I can, but that is about it.
 

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Yeah, listen to 3x... .

That will wake you up. That was the beginning of me starting to live a healthier life, for me and my happiness.

And you know what if she OD's for some reason that is not my fault, it is not my responsibility. I will comfort my kids as best I can, but that is about it.
i was somehow praying that it wouldn’t ever have to come to that! The thought of just waiting and watching someone DESTROY themselves is unfathomable to me but after reading this, I think I have no other choice but to start accepting it is what it is and start shutting the door and the marriage I THOUGHT I once had!
 

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i was somehow praying that it wouldn’t ever have to come to that! The thought of just waiting and watching someone DESTROY themselves is unfathomable to me but after reading this, I think I have no other choice but to start accepting it is what it is and start shutting the door and the marriage I THOUGHT I once had!
Now I think you might be getting it. It will take a while to really get it but you have to start somewhere...

Let me tell you this part of the story. When my fiancé moved in, and of course we had to deep clean and throw away a ton of stuff...

My F brought me 5 bottles of pills that she had hidden. 5 different times, from 5 different rooms... I think that really sunk in with me at that moment, she never would have changed, ever. I tried it all, rationing her meds so she would not abuse them, the whole gambit, until I realized how crazy that was.

The good thing was F actually had a glimpse of the hell I had been through so I guess it is good that she found them.

It never would have mattered what I did, she was a addict and was going to stay that way.

Being out of that marriage is the best thing I have ever done. I cannot believe I stayed so long in the first place...
 

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The thought of just waiting and watching someone DESTROY themselves is unfathomable to me but after reading this, I think I have no other choice but to start accepting it is what it is and start shutting the door and the marriage I THOUGHT I once had!
I realize how painful this is. The person you love starts slowly slipping away. It is a tragedy. To this day, I still have moments of such a strong sense of loss it overwhelms me. My husband was a highly educated, meritoriously decorated Army officer. Brilliant man. Kind, thoughtful, gentle. And then the alcohol took over.

I had to go into the apartment where he lived the final nine weeks before he died. The very first thing that struck me was, "There was no humanness left in the man." His body died from acute alcoholism, but his soul had died long before. What I saw was shocking and downright gruesome. That is why I left him five years before he died. I could no longer watch him destroy himself.

Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. You will become as crazy and sick as the addict if you stay. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's the reality of addiction.
 

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Again, I keep asking myself all these same questions!!! I don’t know why! I ask myself why I keep looking for the bottles, I ask HIM when I find them, why is he still hiding them, I know he’s drinking- I clearly see him getting drunk, his answers are that I will continue to get mad so he hides them even knowing I will find them all QUICKLY! It all seems like a cat and mouse game that he is fully aware of and doesn’t want to stop, he sees it tearing me apart. NO ONE IN HIS FAMILY SEEMS TO HAVE THE B***S TO STAND UP AND LEND A HAND! I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death.... but I’m spinning my wheels. Again, this is my first .. I ve never dealt with an alcoholic but I do drink (sociability when I am with other drinkers) I don’t judge and I am very open minded. All these questions are the same I continue to ask my self; please know that I am not turning here for someone to make that decision for me. Just some neutral insight and maybe others who have gone through some of this and seen the other end is all I am hoping for.

Just in the last 20 hrs here, I have read some true honest and helpful advice that I will continue to take and keep with me as I start towards this journey of TAKING BACK MY LIFE
If this (the underlined part) is your stance on this situation, then you need to step back and let him basically hit rock bottom all on his own. What I mean by that, you are enabling him. You think that you are not, but I can see it in what you write. Enabling does not mean that you help him drink to much. It means that you make it easer for him to continue. You are his strength and his buffer from reality.

You need support and you need to learn a new way of dealing with him and his addiction. Someone here suggested that you attend Al-Anon meetings. I also highly suggest this because you will get the support that you need and you will learn what you need to do.

I also suggest that you get the book Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie. This author has other books on the topic, but this is her original book and the first one to read.

If there is any chance that he will fix himself, it will only happen once you stop holding him together.
 

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The alcohol is his wife.
The alcohol is his friend.
The alcohol is his confessor.

At the end, the alcohol will be his undertaker.

Take that to the bank.

It will kill his liver.
It will kill his heart.
It will give him cancer, long before St. Peter calls his name.

You can wait to bury him or you can leave your card, telling him you will see him off at the end.

Oh gosh, and not while he yet lives, and slowly, pitifully dies.
 

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Wow, everyone has given you such great and eye-opening advice. But you, all of your life, have been strong, persistent, caring. Now we are telling you that all the energy you have will not fix him. He is not likely to do so, but he will not get the chance as long as you keep enabling.

It will be difficult to 'let go'--you just don't do that. BTW: you really no longer have a marriage--it has become more a game of 'Hide and Seek' mixed with 'To tell the Truth'. Let go of the guilt underlying your hesitation now that you better understand. I am so sorry.
 

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If this (the underlined part) is your stance on this situation, then you need to step back and let him basically hit rock bottom all on his own. What I mean by that, you are enabling him. You think that you are not, but I can see it in what you write. Enabling does not mean that you help him drink to much. It means that you make it easer for him to continue. You are his strength and his buffer from reality.

You need support and you need to learn a new way of dealing with him and his addiction. Someone here suggested that you attend Al-Anon meetings. I also highly suggest this because you will get the support that you need and you will learn what you need to do.
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If there is any chance that he will fix himself, it will only happen once you stop holding him together.
I went and got that book as soon as I got off of work last night. I also searched a few pod cast to listen to while I’m unable to read. Love over addition seems to be quite resourceful. I am noting tip from everyone as a daily reminder, I’m also journaling, I ve on and off journaled for many years. Last night was my first night working on NOT focusing on HIM and his drinking and more on myself and the first day of the rest of whatever my life will become but read everyone’s advice, it sums up to one thing, I NEED TO GET A GRIP ON THE REALITY OF THIS and I think the best way that is going to happen will be by getting ahold of myself.
I have lost completely the person I once was
 

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Last night was my first night working on NOT focusing on HIM and his drinking and more on myself and the first day of the rest of whatever my life will become but read everyone’s advice, it sums up to one thing, I NEED TO GET A GRIP ON THE REALITY OF THIS and I think the best way that is going to happen will be by getting ahold of myself.
I have lost completely the person I once was
It's funny, but it almost seems like the way you're expressing things is as if you have something like an addiction. So in the the way an alcoholic might describe how compulsive drinking is to them, the way you talk about dealing with your H and his problem is similar. Try to be aware of that as you go forward. You need to take steps to distance yourself from the situation so your mind can be clear. The more you get involved and the closer to it you are, the stronger its effect will be and the easier it will be to get pulled down. In the same way that an alcoholic may have to stay away from bars to avoid temptation, you may need to disconnect from your H.
 

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Just be aware AA isn't the only option. Do your own research, use what's helpful, discard the rest

Some groups say you "HAVE TO DO" this, that, but take what helps only, and don't be afraid of remaining your own person when reaching out to friends and/or groups.

The one thing that may be a good first step, it's up to you, is imagine the "what if" scenario of are you able emotionally and financially to stand on your own two feet if you had to.

A person that is individually solid makes the best partner, so that would actually benefit you both.

Food for thought. Remember, you can do this.
 

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Leave the man, but do not hate him.

He is now a shell of a man, a wisp, a whiff of the past.

When very young, I saw what alcohol can do to the ones you love.

Alcohol robs a person of their humanity and turns them into a fleshy and helpless alcohol converter.

At some point of no-return, they need to be institutionalized to get the monkey off their back.

Believe me, there is no going cold turkey at that point, the drink is stronger than the strongest will.

The strong willed, will try, and the will.....it simply cannot win on its own.

Sorry for your situation.
 

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Discussion Starter #34 (Edited by Moderator)
It's funny, but it almost seems like the way you're expressing things is as if you have something like an addiction. So in the the way an alcoholic might describe how compulsive drinking is to them, the way you talk about dealing with your H and his problem is similar. Try to be aware of that as you go forward. You need to take steps to distance yourself from the situation so your mind can be clear. The more you get involved and the closer to it you are, the stronger its effect will be and the easier it will be to get pulled down. In the same way that an alcoholic may have to stay away from bars to avoid temptation, you may need to disconnect from your H.
IT ISNT FUNNY! It is an addiction. I am working full time, trying to stay 100% focused as my job requires my full attention. Without letting anyone there know my personal life, it take the rest of my attention. I do worry all of the time. Again, this is all very new to me and is ALL sort of addiction based! This is a lot to absorb in a short amount of time. I have been doing the only thing I have known how and as I try to move in another direction, I am trying to figure out how to put it all into place and live a somewhat normal life.
 

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IT ISNT FUNNY! It is an addiction. I am working full time, trying to stay 100% focused as my job requires my full attention. Without letting anyone there know my personal life, it take the rest of my attention. I do worry all of the time. Again, this is all very new to me and is ALL sort of addiction based! This is a lot to absorb in a short amount of time. I have been doing the only thing I have known how and as I try to move in another direction, I am trying to figure out how to put it all into place and live a somewhat normal life.
This is what codependency does. The need to hold things together becomes more important than own needs. Keeping his addiction from destroying everything leads to focusing on his needs and ignoring your own needs.

It's like you are trying to hold the world together. And the harder you work to hold it together, the more it crumbles around you. This is what addicts do, they suck the life out of those who are around them.
 

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This is what codependency does. The need to hold things together becomes more important than own needs. Keeping his addiction from destroying everything leads to focusing on his needs and ignoring your own needs.

It's like you are trying to hold the world together. And the harder you work to hold it together, the more it crumbles around you. This is what addicts do, they suck the life out of those who are around them.
This pretty much sums it up. It’s what it has all become. I can’t tell you where that turn took place or how it even happened, but this is where we are now! He thinks I’m crazy for even “wasting” so much time worrying about his drinking. He says “he is fine and he likes life the way it is” however, he has CONSTANT anger in every word, every look and says he doesn’t like where he is in life right now and ITS ALL MY FAULT! He can’t even have fun anymore around me bc I’m always watching him.... I DO ALWAYS WATCH, we have no couple friends, we do nothing together. The only ones we get together with is HIS family and they know but it’s kept quiet and they don’t “SPARK THE BEAST”!
I on the other hand, will.... but never in front of others! So he basically doesn’t like that i address when it becomes a problem and they start talking behind his back
 

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This pretty much sums it up. It’s what it has all become. I can’t tell you where that turn took place or how it even happened, but this is where we are now! He thinks I’m crazy for even “wasting” so much time worrying about his drinking. He says “he is fine and he likes life the way it is” however, he has CONSTANT anger in every word, every look and says he doesn’t like where he is in life right now and ITS ALL MY FAULT! He can’t even have fun anymore around me bc I’m always watching him.... I DO ALWAYS WATCH, we have no couple friends, we do nothing together. The only ones we get together with is HIS family and they know but it’s kept quiet and they don’t “SPARK THE BEAST”!
I on the other hand, will.... but never in front of others! So he basically doesn’t like that i address when it becomes a problem and they start talking behind his back
I can "tell you where that turn took place or how it even happened", it happens to all of us the same way.

It is the frog in the pot of water example. When you slowly turn up the heat the frog does not notice. So over time the frog boils to death and dies.

That is how this stuff happens. It is insidious. It happens so gradually the we don't notice, and one day we wake up and realize the insanity that we are living in.

I still can't believe how I was thinking at the time. It is a form of abuse, some of it self inflicted, but not all.

The lucky ones at some point gain some clarity and realize they have to get out of the situation...
 

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Jojo…

I feel for you, and am sorrowful your dreams seem like they are crumbing apart. They are, and you have no control…any & all control measures you put into place…it just slides down deeper. You see…you are enabling his behavior. There is a difference between permissive will and perfect will. None of this fate is your fault…he makes the decision himself to lift the glass and press it against his lips.

You call him the alcoholic, but nothing and I mean nothing will begin to change until “He” calls himself an alcoholic. Then and only then can something happen. Again at this point it becomes his decision if he wants to do something about it.

My recommendation…and it’s just a suggestion, NoMore NoLess. Buy the “Big Book” of alcoholics anonymous (AA). I suggest you purchase this book locally at place where they have AA meetings, also pick up a schedule of meetings. You can find these places by doing a web search, asking a clergy, even police officers know something and locations.
*Now…if you like for a reason of understanding…read the first 164 pages. Then press forward with faith (not Hope yet). Go and see an attorney about separation/divorce grab one of his business cards
*Now…sit down with your husband. Give him the Book, meeting schedule, and hand him the attorney’s card AND tell him you can no longer go on living like this.
*Then get your butt to an Al anon meeting, or a spiritual women’s group within your local community.

It seems you have three options:
1. Keep going the way are, accept it and keep supporting it…do nothing, blog about, post about, etc…
2. Ignore it, for the sake of your sanity
3. Give my suggestion a try…even half ass’ly to start, you don’t have to follow it verbatim…but a will-ness to try my suggestion.

Good Luck and God Bless
 
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