Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Married 10 yrs to my husband who is a high functioning alcoholic that hides his drinking no matter how often I find the bottles. This has only been exposed within the last 4 yrs. We have 3 daughters between the both of us but none together; they have all moved out by now. He lives as a blank, emotionless, sneaky alcoholic and I don't know which way to turn at this point, all I know is I don't want to give up but I am getting worn out. He blames it all on me and almost has me believing its true...…

Anyone else deal with alcoholism in their marriage?
Its consuming my everthing
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,742 Posts
I agree with HubbyinTrubby...what is this great "loss" you'll experience by ridding yourself of a nasty, verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic who can't even be HONEST with you, who blames YOU for his **** behavior, and who can't even show you the respect most of us show the common stranger out on the street?

Sorry, I can't see even a shred of the possible "loss" to which you are referring.

Call me crazy, but I only see the positives of ridding yourself of this toxic person so you can live a healthy, positive, authentic life without him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,401 Posts
Married 10 yrs to my husband who is a high functioning alcoholic that hides his drinking no matter how often I find the bottles. This has only been exposed within the last 4 yrs. We have 3 daughters between the both of us but none together; they have all moved out by now. He lives as a blank, emotionless, sneaky alcoholic and I don't know which way to turn at this point, all I know is I don't want to give up but I am getting worn out. He blames it all on me and almost has me believing its true...…

Anyone else deal with alcoholism in their marriage?
Its consuming my everthing
I have been on that roller coaster, the broken promises, the teetotal days, the relapses, the AA starts and stops, the attempts to control the chaos.
I have learnt one thing and that is you cannot fix an alcoholic and in the majority of cases if they don't work a program they will relapse and it never gets better but progressively worse.
This is not your fault, do not listen to him. Why would you listen to a person who chooses to lie to himself? They will lie, make you believe you are the one with the problem, etc.
Best thing is to get yourself into Al-Anon to help you, you cannot help him.Surround yourself with a supportive community.
Live your life independently of him.
Do you have a job? do you have your own finances?
Stop managing his life, stop covering for him, making excuses for him, of course only to the extent it will not affect you.
Read Malorie Beattie's Co-Dependent No more.
Alcoholism is a family disease, we enable them. You must stop the enabling and become free. That is what I did, he sorted himself out but I retain a healthy dose of reality and wont hold my breathe cause I know there will be relapses but is no longer my problem.
I would also suggest you go and join Sober Recovery.com for tons of wisdom and support there.
Do not talk to family and friends who are not aware of alcoholism, noone understands what is like unless they lived with one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #5 (Edited by Moderator)
First and foremost, thank you for your feedback thus far, I think being my first post as a new member, I didn’t cover all the reason that keep me there; from the outside looking in, any fool can see that it’s just easy to LEAVE!

Throughout these last 10 yrs, besides his false promises and multiple attempt and my tiring efforts to do anything needed to help him, I helped raise his daughter that he had FULL custody of, I played a very active roll in his close knit family (who turns a blind eye to his issue) in their mother’s battle through lymphoma until she passed. I have taken on the responsibility of helping his father (who lives a stones throw away) while the other siblings moved on since their mothers passing.

All of which sounds like excuses to me and I have worked so hard on MYSELF to push through this.
I do work, full time. I am NOT dependent on him financially at all.

I AM ALONE! I need some input on this! I am just falling apart, I’m tired and I need to know if I’m doing the right thing, should I continue and honor my commitment or just let it all go!
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,025 Posts
Was your commitment to be a doormat and to put up with abuse, lies, and alcoholism?

If so then yes you should "honor" your commitment.

If not then you should probably get out.

See how it looks when you think of it like that? I've never understood this idea people cling to of "honoring" commitments to a partner that clearly doesn't honor theirs. I honored my pledge to forsake all others when I married my ex....unfortunately he didn't honor his pledge to forsake all others, so I left (one of many reasons).

I'm going to guess that wasn't what you actually committed to, so what is the real reason you don't want to go? You're getting some kind of payoff here.....figure out what it is and you will have your answer.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Is your H the first close person with a drug or alcohol problem you've had to deal with? This kind of problem is not really curable. Rather, it's a chronic situation that needs to be continually managed. Even if he gave up alcohol today, it's likely he'll relapse even if he does everything right. To stay clean, he'll need to continually take steps to ensure he keeps the urges at bay. That takes a lot of effort. Many people find it very easy to slide back into old habits.

Based on what you've shared, I don't think it's worth trying to work it out. With only 10 years of marriage and no shared children, it's not really worth all the effort you'll have to put into this. The rest of your relationship will be rocky and filled with all these same kinds of lies. It's totally understandable that you want to help him get better, but you will be sacrificing a lot without any guarantee of a positive outcome.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,285 Posts
It's a hard circumstance, sorry you're going through these difficult times.

And two lives do get intertwined with families and even the good times that are shared, of course they do. The easiest isn't always the best action, the hardest not always the worst choice.

Much depends on the whole package of which only you know all the details. A good amount of thought before permanent decisions make positive outcomes more likely.

Good for you, you're evaluating things as a whole.

Just to gather a bit more information.

What is defining H as an alcoholic?

Is it constant over-drinking and irresponsibility resulting from that?

Is it because he drinks everyday after 5:00pm?

Is it because he starts every morning with a drink, and drinks every hour of every day?

Is it because he'd like a couple drinks in the evenings but has been forced (by you or whoever) to stop even a couple after 5, which then makes him then have to hide it fir a couple evening drinks?

Is he drinking way way too much and gets abusive to you or family?

Who's providing the / what is the definition of "you're an alcoholic" being assigned here?

I'm not asking because I'm saying he's not but to clarify perhaps the depth of the problem and why he's being forced to hide his drinking.

Some folks define drinking three evenings a week to moderation as being an alcoholic.

Some folks say once or twice a week makes one an alcoholic.

Generally having to drink every morning and every day to excess is the no doubt phase and calls for one response from family, especially the spouse.

Now he may be a raging alcoholic, I'm not doubting you but trying to get a couple more details before offering any input.

Hang in there. Whatever the outcome you can and will get through it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #10 (Edited by Moderator)
Well, as far as me honoring my commitment to him isn’t just “in our marriage”, I just feel like- he’s dealing with this but that doesn’t give me the right to throw him away! now please don’t mistake what I am saying as I am making excuses for him. I am not the wife who enables this situation by no means which brings me into what defines him as an Alcoholic.

His drink of choice is VODKA, his is high functioning. Works and manages to hide it from most of his daily life. As far as a social life, HE HAS NONE! He drinks alone, he drinks it straight and out of the bottle and also has it in plastic water bottles hidden everywhere so it’s always at reach; I find them all over and confront him.

He is the first person I have ever had to face that I love, with addiction and I have been and am still willing to hear the good the bad and the ugly bc at this point, emotionally I have been torn apart and pieces back together ... BY THE SAME PERSON, over and over!

I left last year for 6 months and he took that very hard with promises of changed, we reconciled and since I have been back, it’s been worse.
He isn’t physically abusive, he doesn’t cause harm to anyone BUT HIMSELF.. he won’t drink and drive! I know somewhere in there, there is a good man but I’ve scarified myself FOR WAY TOO LONG! I’m admitting this!

To answer whether or not I do still love him or not... Idk what it is anymore, I know fully that I can’t love him, I don’t even love myself right now!

Again, I am so thankful to have found a community to be able to share this and be able to hear some feedback
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,927 Posts
Being an alcoholic is not something that most people can just tackle on their own. He will likely need some sort of external help. He needs to do something like get into rehab and then maintain some sort of ongoing therapy like AA. See if you have a local AlAnon meeting you can attend. That's a support group for people who have an alcoholic in their life. It will help you learn what it takes to recover and help you deal with all this no matter what happens.

It's totally understandable you want to help and work through this, but don't make it your life's mission. If he doesn't want to get better, then don't waste your life trying to get him to see the light.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,679 Posts
Let me just say this...

I had things like you have going on, I thought that the world would stop if I did not hold it together.

I should have left my wife 15 years at least before it did. I wasted at least 15 years of my life for no reason. What because I thought I could save the world...

Got some news about that, you can't, no one can.

Further, what you will find out after you leave is that you are actually doing more damage to him by enabling him and helping him through his life, than you would be if you just left.

Please don't do what I did. I barely survived. Literally, it all most killed me. Get out now...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,129 Posts
Thank you for the honest answer. In my own way, I understand what you mean about not being sure.

You are someone that has taken your vows seriously, and tried to help him. When they won’t help themselves, eventually you hit a wall.

The more we understand you and your situation, the better advice we can give. I’m not someone who has any experience with substance abuse in a relationship, so I won’t have a ton more to add.

I do have a GF whose husband sounds similar to yours. His longest period of success was when he actually checked into a full blown rehab. If memory serves, it was about a month he was away. This was hard because of work, kids, family, but everyone made the sacrifices and they had the best part of their marriage/kids childhood after that. Maybe that could be something you suggest or even use as an ultimatum.

I’m very sorry you find yourself here. I feel bad for him too, I imagine it would be very awful to be addicted to something that is ruining your life and relationships. Cyber hugs from me!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
To answer hubbyintrubby question-


I have asked myself this question a million times over the years... I wish the answer was as easy as just typing it! ��

Thank you though; I def need to be reminded that I am facing this from all directions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,129 Posts
Also, under “Focused Topics” there is a forum here on TAM for “Addictions and relationships”.

It may be helpful for you to read (and perhaps post) in there too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,393 Posts
Married 10 yrs to my husband who is a high functioning alcoholic that hides his drinking no matter how often I find the bottles.
Why are you looking for the bottles? What does that solve? I hope you will begin to realize that it's an exercise in futility. Alcoholics are very creative in finding ways to drink - no matter how many bottles you find.

Anyone else deal with alcoholism in their marriage? Its consuming my everthing
I was married to two alcoholics. Both are now dead. Perhaps you should realize you are becoming as sick as the alcoholic. Nobody should be "consuming" you. That's your decision and nobody else's.

Feel free to ask me any questions. I've lived through it all. BTW, you should be attending Al-Anon to gain the tools to take your focus off the drunk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #18 (Edited by Moderator)
Why are you looking for the bottles? What does that solve? I hope you will begin to realize that it's an exercise in futility. Alcoholics are very creative in finding ways to drink - no matter how many bottles you find.

I was married to two alcoholics. Both are now dead. Perhaps you should realize you are becoming as sick as the alcoholic. Nobody should be "consuming" you. That's your decision and nobody else's.

Feel free to ask me any questions. I've lived through it all. BTW, you should be attending Al-Anon to gain the tools to take your focus off the drunk.
Again, I keep asking myself all these same questions!!! I don’t know why! I ask myself why I keep looking for the bottles, I ask HIM when I find them, why is he still hiding them, I know he’s drinking- I clearly see him getting drunk, his answers are that I will continue to get mad so he hides them even knowing I will find them all QUICKLY! It all seems like a cat and mouse game that he is fully aware of and doesn’t want to stop, he sees it tearing me apart. NO ONE IN HIS FAMILY SEEMS TO HAVE THE B***S TO STAND UP AND LEND A HAND! I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death.... but I’m spinning my wheels. Again, this is my first .. I ve never dealt with an alcoholic but I do drink (sociability when I am with other drinkers) I don’t judge and I am very open minded. All these questions are the same I continue to ask my self; please know that I am not turning here for someone to make that decision for me. Just some neutral insight and maybe others who have gone through some of this and seen the other end is all I am hoping for.

Just in the last 20 hrs here, I have read some true honest and helpful advice that I will continue to take and keep with me as I start towards this journey of TAKING BACK MY LIFE
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,393 Posts
Again, I keep asking myself all these same questions!!! I don’t know why! I ask myself why I keep looking for the bottles, I ask HIM when I find them, why is he still hiding them, I know he’s drinking- I clearly see him getting drunk, his answers are that I will continue to get mad so he hides them even knowing I will find them all QUICKLY!
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable.

Think about that. You aren't managing your life very well. You certainly aren't going to succeed at trying to manage his. Getting overly-involved in an addict's life is the hallmark of codependency. For your own sanity, get back on your side of the street. Respect his right to drink.

It all seems like a cat and mouse game that he is fully aware of and doesn’t want to stop, he sees it tearing me apart.
It tears you apart because you allow it to do so. I started attending Al-Anon in 1996. It is amazing to see the peace of mind people acquire when they step away from the addict.

NO ONE IN HIS FAMILY SEEMS TO HAVE THE B***S TO STAND UP AND LEND A HAND! I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death.... but I’m spinning my wheels.
Yeah, you are spinning your wheels. You're also driving yourself nuts. NOBODY can "lend a hand" in getting an alcoholic sober. Nobody. Both of my husbands were found dead. They succumbed to alcoholism. I respected their right to make their own decisions, no matter the consequences. Look at the fact that he hides bottles. He doesn't want to quit drinking. Wanna get an alcoholic really mad? Stick your nose in their addiction. They will protect it to the death. Sadly, many do.

I'd suggest you give Al-Anon a try. It's suggested you try six different meetings. I'd also suggest you check out the Sober Recovery forums. There is a particular discussion board on that site called "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." Those of us who are recovering from exposure to alcoholism need to find experience, strength, and hope from others who have walked the same path.

And P.S. - There is no such thing as a "functioning" alcoholic. Trust me, their ability to function goes downhill as time goes by. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I watched what it does.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,482 Posts
I don’t have it in me to let this man just drink himself to death....
Ah, here lies part of the problem. Its not your decision whether or not he drinks himself to death, its HIS. Please stop thinking you have any control over what he does, because you dont, and if he wants to drink himself to death, it really isnt your business. I know it doesnt make logical sense. You and your feelings are of no concern to him. But you can make the choice to no longer be a witness or a participant to his self destruction.
 
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
Top