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@PurpleRoses I think the best “value” we can bring to you is an understanding of how your husband has been affected. What you do with that, that’s up to you. But your husband’s perspective is not something you can relate to.

This has nothing to do with judging your actions, then or today.

How do you think he’s holding up? In what ways has he surprised you? If you had to gauge his emotions since d-day, have they been stable or hugely variable?

Do you think he’s better off with you? If so, have you articulated why, to him?

wishing all of your family the very best.
 

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PR, I think it would help if you posted more updates on how things are going for you and your husband. It would reduce the speculation and help keep people focussed on the actual situation. I have seen similar going off topic on other threads when the feedback from the OP slows down or stops. I think in general you have been brave so far.
 

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@PurpleRoses you are not going to get answers to the questions that you didn't ask.

If you describe the situation and ask your questions here, people will do their best to answer. Those answers may not always be what you want but then you have a choice of taking it or ignoring the answers.

I hope you are doing well and that you and your husband are working on finding the middle ground.
 

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now moved into open marriages and rating scales for crying out loud.
I thought that part of the thread was an important answer to your question on how to help your H know that you are his. And the common thought, at least for me and other men is that we don't stand a chance out on the street if two committed really weren't. Go back and read it again for an explanation and the responses have valuable info there too. Though you might not feel the topic applicable to your situation, the feelings can be there in the bedroom, making him feel less masculine.
 

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I really do wish you all peace of mind and I don't think any of my feelings are contributing to that.
Yours is an important discussion. I know I'm learning from it, and I think you've used some concepts that you learned here to keep your H from going crazy on you.

All the same, I think that this discussion should be moved to "Reconciliation", since that's what the OP is trying to do. I tried notifying moderators.
 

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I created an account because of this post and after all that has been said and the time it passed I would just like to add the following.

The OP clearly cares for her husband and seems to be making an effort to make it work.

But it seems to me that the effort is not because she loves her husband. It's because she loves the life they have build together. Their children wellbeing, their wealth, their careers, their social circle, the support system. Everything. Esther Perel makes a career of catering to women like the OP.

I do think it all that if she could keep all that minus the husband she would do so due to the resentment she expresses at the consequences of her actions. You were bored? Well, you sure doesn't seem to be bored now. (this is something in line with what Perel said in one of her videos)

I also get a feel that the OP controls the relationship. She seem to come here for a way to get over this in a way that her guilt diminishes with the least amount of damage. But I get the nagging feeling that she knows that it would be unlikely that her husband would flip the table and break up the marriage. So, how to get over this without costing my lifestyle too much. That is not conducive to a reconciliation.

In any case what is scary about this story is that the OP isn't a unintelligent or inexperienced person. She is in her forties yet she jumped through all the hoops and still thought "this is just some confidence boosting, slightly inappropriate flirting." Not saying this to bash her, but if a woman her age couldn't see a mile away where she were getting into, then I hope she continues the therapy so that she's able to make conscient choices instead of letting the choices make her. And the fact that it was with a known person to the husband is beyond me. I've done many things I regret in my life and the only "at least" I give myself is that I had the tiny bit of shame and respect not to do it close to home or with a woman whose partner I knew (even if not friends).

Oh, and even if that happened, I would have the curtesy of becoming invisible if the husband came to know. What kind of douchebag doesn't care? Even if he feels like an alpha as opposed to a beta, basic decency should still apply even in the carrousel of s**t that affairs usually are. It takes a very arrogant, entitled person to keep pursuing a married woman that has stated "no more." So, apologize for the barb here, congrats on her judgement of friends to associate with.

Anyway.

To the current situation, I think she really has to think about what is being salvaged: the marriage or the lifestyle. If it's the later, separation. From her posts the only dependents are the children and they are teens. They can get over a divorce, but a toxic relationship is harder.



Edit: English is not my first language so apologies for the poor grammar.
 

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PR, I think it would help if you posted more updates on how things are going for you and your husband. It would reduce the speculation and help keep people focussed on the actual situation. I have seen similar going off topic on other threads when the feedback from the OP slows down or stops. I think in general you have been brave so far.
Reminds me of the stock market where the less liquid the market, the more and bigger the gaps occur. Where they occur some believe they are always filled. Kinda what appears to be going on here. PR is "less liquid" with her updates and somebody's going to step in and fill the gap. PR, if I can talk you into it, I really like to know how your efforts to restore your marriage is going. You've played it might close to the chest milady.
 
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You guys have a point. I think PR might just be in self preservation at this point. When You feel guilty and you did something wrong and understand that you have lost something precious, but so desperately want to grasp at straw shields

Purple Roses:

I made my post earlier to make a point. Own the scarlet letter. It's the only way to change. You can get the golden letter patch, but that takes a lot of work. Part of understanding that you did something like this, is that it wasn't a mistake. It was a conscious, deliberate action. It was premeditated from the flirting to the grooming. You are that person.

When you can accept that change happens. But not until. You will "white knuckle it". It will happen again. Maybe not to this extreme at first but a little by little it can and will try to creep back. It be on the back of your mind, a flicker of a thought. A smile, a touch, will leed you back to a tiny bit of flirting. Seeking compliments they start to build up. Then it happens again. This is why most. cheaters can't change. It was never dealt fully dealt with. When your protect your ego, you protect the very thing that allowed you to cheat in the first place.

Before you can really change listen to people and look at the pain in suffering they have experienced and Empathize. When you look at the actions through their eyes and experiences you start to see more of the puzzle. You start to see more of the real you reflected back, not the ego protected image you had of yourself. That false image that allowed you to cheat. You said in the earlier post, as many cheaters do, you don't know why you did it. You did it because deep down you are that person. It never got dealt with out in the open, so there were no real fall back or positive tools, including accountability, to protect you from making this decision.

Choices are a result of reactions to our reality. Reactions are a result of your self programming. Programming has an old saying "garbage in, garbage out". To not make garbage choices, you have to reprogram the system, change the code itself.

"A leader with many advisers conquers"-
Solomon

But real empathy can only happen when you set aside your ego. Just like real change only happens when you are humble enough to fully accept the problem
 

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not because she loves her husband. It's because she loves the life they have build together. Their children wellbeing, their wealth, their careers, their social circle, the support system. Everything.
absolutely spot on and it abuse to the husband for being like the above - he believed they had something that wasn't really real, he was taken advantage of, mistreated, used, manipulated and its abuse
 

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Without knowing much of the story regarding our marriage our MC automatically blamed me for 1/2 of my ex-wife's affair. After two weeks of finding out about the affair, the therapist chastised me for not getting over it. I was young and dumb in spite of my rather substantial education. She kept the marriage together and said point blank to me that my ex-wife would never cheat on me again. She might act out in other ways, but she will never cheat again. I believe she started cheating on me not too long after we left therapy. I finally caught her red-handed six years later. I don't feel it would be fair of me to indict all MCs, but I have read similar complaints from other betrayed spouses. That is why many recommend that the WS and the BS seek therapy separately with different ICs versed in infidelity.
I have a two fisted response to any therapist who tells you to get over infidelity.
 

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He insisted that we were still doing it. I think it was really hard for him to organize it, he isn't the most social person and they are mostly my friends, the idea of calling it off was overwhelming to him. He wouldn't even consider it. It wasn't as stressful as I thought it was going to be. We still have a lot to celebrate and be thankful for over the past 20 years, that was the focus of the night. Call it rug sweeping if you want, but I think it was less stressful for him to go through with it than not. I can't really switch places, I could say I would have done this or that, but I don't really know. I probably have a shorter fuse and I wouldn't care who knew what he did, but he isn't like that, I don't see the point in stressing him out over that. He isn't bottling everything up, he just hasn't been abusive. He's having a really hard time with the other guy having seen me naked, amongst other things. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know I can't undo it. I had no idea how much of his own self worth he placed on me. I'm realizing it now and I don't know what to do about it. All the other stuff, like no contact or whatever is easy for me. I'll ask him if he needs me to write a letter or whatever, I don't know it seems like that's more contact than I even want with him. And why invite the drama? He still wants to have sex with me. I told him it was over and all the reasons, that I told my husband and he doesn't care. What do you say to that? I figure nothing is better than something. I could never put my family through this again. I know I need help and I'm going to see a therapist and hopefully find out exactly what's wrong with me. It should have never happened in the first place.
You tell your AP that any contact with you is going to be reported to HR. That's if you are contrite about what happened.
I don't know if your business can enforce that outside working hours, but the police certainly can if he tries to make unwanted contact with you.
 

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There's something that might be really different about a spouse's wife having an affair, than a husband.

For the most part, an attractive woman can "have" a whole lot of men with very little effort. If your interest was primarily sex (which for the sake of argument, we'll assume that's what your husband believes), then you'll have a pretty easy time having that interest satisfied. And your husband knows that.

Your husband, on the other hand, has likely always had insecurities to some degree about sex. You might not realize that, or have tossed such thoughts aside because it's not something many guys would discuss. But he's probably thinking how his attractive wife really has it together sexually and can attract any guy she wants, while he has no such confidence in his own abilities at all. A guy is trained to do what he can to take care of the family so his wife sticks around. Seriously, this is a thing. A guy just doesn't have anywhere near the sexual confidence a woman might have. And even if the woman doesn't have that confidence, the guy believes she does.

So your affair taps into your husband's very worst fears. He's failed as a provider, and he's failed to sexually satisfy you as well. That's what he's probably going through.

Do you know much about his past, prior to meeting you?
In the dating world, the top 20% of men share 60% of the women. It's an informal harem. The bottom 80% of men just cannot go get a woman when they want to. For many of the 80% of men, the real relationships are few and far in between and often their first time for any extensive sexual experiences will come through marriage. This is is part of the reason why men are so traumatized when their wives have physical affairs.

A reasonably attractive woman will almost always have somebody willing to have sex with her anytime she wants, if she just makes herself available.

This is why PurpleRoses is not concerned about where her husband is, he's not in the top 20% of men that women want, so he would not really be able to get into an affair if he wanted to. It's one of the reasons she was likely attracted to him, because he was safe. She didn't have to worry where he was if he was out of the house for a three hour period. She might feel differently if he started paying prostitutes. I suspect that she would feel a lot different if she knew he was spending a couple hundred dollars a month for sexual services.
 

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When I say this, I want it clear that I am not holding the husband responsible. I'm just noticing something that I think important for general discussion.

Purple Rose's husband, as mentioned was a stoic man. Stoic men are great for many things. There is nobody in the world that you'd want more as a spouse to take care of you, if you cannot take care of yourself. They will happily do everything during times of crises and not feel stressed about it. They are willing to sacrifice their entire free time for the sake of the spouse. However, they are not the most demonstrative of spouses. To a spouse, they might seem like an unreadable wall at times, although the truth is that they feel very deep emotions deep inside. They keep it bottled up and only release those emotions on occasion. To a stoic person, they express their love just being present. They aren't very demonstrative and they may not be inclined to say much or show much, but they are capable of the deepest of loves for their spouse.

To somebody who is demonstrative in their love language, they may not pick up on signs that their stoic spouse loves them, because their stoic spouse is not expressing it. This can lead to doubt about the love the spouse has for her. Purple Roses expressed that she felt lonely. I think she probably didn't feel loved in her love language and it made her needy in what she needed demonstrated. To be clear, she made choices and is responsible for her choices.

All I can say is that, if you're a stoic spouse who is married to a demonstrative person, be more demonstrative. If you're a demonstrative person, take responsibility and lead your stoic spouse into showing them how you want to be loved.
 

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Everybody needs to get of her back. She is who she is and she is not going to change. She has gotten some good advice and she can use what applies and what doesn't. Her husband knew the package he was buying when he married her. If I married an exotic dancer, I wouldn't go crying to others when she cheated on me.

Purple's husband knew she put herself number one over all others when he married her, so he shouldn't expect the zebra stripes to suddenly shift direction. Lots of very successful men and women in our society have made good lives for themselves with this same attitude towards life and have been lauded for it. Can you blame her?
 

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Everybody needs to get of her back. She is who she is and she is not going to change. She has gotten some good advice and she can use what applies and what doesn't. Her husband knew the package he was buying when he married her. If I married an exotic dancer, I wouldn't go crying to others when she cheated on me.

Purple's husband knew she put herself number one over all others when he married her, so he shouldn't expect the zebra stripes to suddenly shift direction. Lots of very successful women in our society have made good lives for themselves with this same attitude towards life and have been lauded for it. Can you blame her?
Cant you be successful and not put yourself first?
 
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