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...unless it was the guys idea and he already had something lined up.
Granted, but the average young-adult male is short-sighted and doesn't take into account that his partner will attract 10 times as many sexual partners as he will, simply because she has a vagina. You are right: most guys who ask for an open marriage already have a gal lined up, or they are already cheating. That titillation lasts only for a while; up until they see their wife getting dolled up twice a week to go out and get plowed by some stranger. Then it's not fun anymore. The guy realizes he screwed himself into a corner he cannot get out of.
 

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PR,

I have been making excuses as to why I didn't want to post to your thread. I didn't feel like I would really bring anything to value or any wisdom here. So I procrastinated lol. After reading your responses and the others reactions to your responses, I'd like an opportunity to share from my own experiences.

I had a rough background. Like worse than most. Molested, abandoned as a teenager, homeless, stolen from, hurt, cheated on, etc.... All before I turned 20ish. I started a life change around 21. I started to believe there was a God (became a Christian), became more moral and grounded. I stopped jumping from relationship to relationship and became more self secure.

I met my wife in my early 20s. After a whirl wind relationship that lasted 3 months and resulted in a pregnancy. We moved in together and got married. I thought it was all just going to be magical. We had some communication issues, sex wasn't an issue, and felt we were ok. Well my wife started acting strange around the 7/8 year mark. turns out she was becoming emotionally attached to a classmate in her masters class. I was struggling massively it with My health at the time. I broke. It hurt. I was frightened, struggling with abondment, wondering what I should do. I reacted horribly. I rug swept in our marriage but I started talking to another woman online to fill the gap. When the other woman begged to come and pick me up, I told my wife. It was like a child trying to do at tit for tat type thing. I cut off the other woman. After confessing to my wife , which hurt her, we reaffirmed our relationship and moved on. Again we rug swept. We didn't want to really deal with the issues but wanted just be....


7 years later all hell broke lose. My wife started acting strange again. I knew these signs. When she came to talk to me, my defense mechanism kicked in. I went crazy. I affaired down with a slutty women. It went on for 3 years. It was a revenge/exit type. Well during time I felt horrible. I don't why anyone can live this. That feeling like you had to hide front the world, the lust without love, the cheapness of it all. The longer I was there the more disgusting I felt. I couldn't resolve my feelings and I definitely didn't deal with myself or my own issues. I felt like a crazy person. Numb on the inside and smiley on The out. I was a liar, a cheater, and someone who didn't care. I was disgusted with myself, and I felt trapped.. My affair partner was a loose cannon. Ready to blow my world apart.

My wife finally approached me and I ended it. I was tired, lost, and done. Like and alcohol or a drug addiction that had hit rock bottom.. I was pretty disappointed and disgusted with myself. I got IC and we both worked hard on our issues. I learned I had developed survival technique that didn't work if I wanted a good life. Read books. Read forums... Did everything I could that sounded sane. Lots of prayer and meditation etc....it was hard work, terrifying work. Being vulnerable and real with yourself is counterintuitive for people like me. It was easier to hide the real me , to not make waves. To say what I really felt or meant. Admitting that I needed outside affirmation. Wanting to be spoiled. Oh the list goes on. I found out like you, I would like at other people I found attractive as an escape to dealing with my own sh1t. As a child I learned that warranted a belting, as an adult I had to learn that if I didn't I couldn't grow and would die inside. it took years of spec motivation, self drive, and hard work with accountability on both of our sides to fix this.


Its been 7 years. I went on a trip to see my son. I didn't look at women. Didn't delve into porn or Harbour strange thoughts. When I got home my wife were discussing openly how far we've come and where we are going. I didn't have the drive to get my ego stoked on the outside. I work on my self security and not put up a front. Every day I wake up and reaffirm my attraction to and how beautiful my wife is. Really when you put it all together, she is the most beautiful woman. She can be honest with me now. She can be open. The sex is great. We can hope for a future together. How can I not want that!? She does the same. We hear how covid has been horrible to some couples, ironically we have gotten closer. It not all roses and unicorn poop. Its hard work. I work hard on being honest at all times. I work hard at reminding myself what I can can't control. I work hard on just being ok. sometimes this causes conflits. Conflitcs weren't the problem, it was resolving them that mattered. I work hard on loving my wife, enjoying her company in its entirety. And i found love, real love, not feelings is hard work. Feelings can come and grow, but love continues to grow if you labour with it. Love, to me is also the most rewarding work.

Btw. We have up everything that could lead us back down this road. We left our careers, cut out friends, even minimized family who were not friends of the marriage. The result was an environmental that encourages us to rely on each other, talk to each other, and love each other. We both make more money now then ever before. Work less hours in our new careers. Even better yet we both own our own businesses :)

Be brutally honest with yourself. Take criticism. Grow from your bad choice. If you hide from it, your growth will become stunted. It will happen again.

Hope this helps a bit.

Edited for bad typos lol
 

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Granted, but the average young-adult male is short-sighted and doesn't take into account that his partner will attract 10 times as many sexual partners as he will, simply because she has a vagina. You are right: most guys who ask for an open marriage already have a gal lined up, or they are already cheating. That titillation lasts only for a while; up until they see their wife getting dolled up twice a week to go out and get plowed by some stranger. Then it's not fun anymore. The guy realizes he screwed himself into a corner he cannot get out of.
Dont understand open...im a violently monogamous male. If wife wanted open marriage...she could go for it but we would no longer be intimate and i would start intetviewing for her replacement as she would be considered resigned.
 

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Be brutally honest with yourself. Take criticism. Grow from your bad choice. If you hide from it, your growth will become stunted. It will happen again.
This, a thousand times this. The bad stuff you did in the past is supposed to be a learning experience, something that helps you to grow. When you pretend it didn't happen, don't want to think about it, you remain who and where you were. The cycle will either repeat or you will poison future relationships in other ways because you're hiding things. I am so happy things worked out for the two of you, but you're an exception, because the odds of even just a single person recognizing their lack of growth due to rug sweeping is very low... in your case, it was both of you.
 

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I feel open marriages might work for some, but its usually a cope out for most to not deal with issues.my own opinion though from my own work.
Open marriages work better for women that are <5 to 7 and men who are = >7. Women by and large go for men who are in their league or better. Men are much less discriminating and a man who is an 8 can have a lot of sexual fun with a grade 5 woman. A woman generally will have no sexual interest in a man of a lower than her on the attractiveness scale. Hence the reason I speculate that Ms. PR's lover and likely her husband is equally or greater on the attractiveness scale as her.
 
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I think open marriages discussion is a detractor to his thread. I also disbelieve the scale theory. That's putting people in a box. I think everyone can cheat.
Open marriages are not solutions to a bad problem, it's like an alcoholic dating I'm just that way. Again not saying all open marriages suffer from this, but stats and personal anecdotal information from my own experience point to this.

Monogamy I feel take work, imagination &honesty and persistence. And most all, imo, a good ethical and value base.
 

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Please, let us not descend into a discussion of open marriages. I have NEVER seen one last long term. I have ALWAYS seen them as self destructive. Very few people are emotionally evolved enough to separate sex from love from marriage and have a successful relationship. Sooner or later, this comes out. Sooner or later, this becomes part of an argument or worse. Sooner or later, the couple closes the marriage or splits. Those last three statements are engraved in stone as far as my experience goes.
 

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"Very few people are emotionally evolved enough to separate sex from love"

Seems strange we consider separating sex from love as emotionally evolved. Even looking back at my days in "the business" the best sex has always been with the chick who understood me the best and the one with an emotional as well as a sexual connection. After nearly 30 years together and many (prior) to compare her to, my wife is the undisputed champeen.
 

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My guess is that PR's home life has imploded in the aftermath of what she has done. I wouldn't be surprised if we've heard the last of her.
She was here just a day ago. I hope she can find value in what the more-triggered among us can offer her. An understanding of what her husband is going through and how he’s unable to really show it.
 

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CO, what value do you think she needed and didn't find? Honestly, I don't think PR is really the PR she'd have us believe.
 
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I just don't see the point of keeping this thread going, it went off in directions which I never intended. Most anything being discussed is nothing close to the issues me and my husband are having. I can see it's now moved into open marriages and rating scales for crying out loud.

I really do wish you all peace of mind and I don't think any of my feelings are contributing to that.
 

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So I guess you didn't read my prior post... sorry. I would continue to post. Pick through the bad for the good. Take the 2x4s. Bounce off your questions to those of us who have something to offer... etc.. it's like that in life. You have to screen people around you. Take the good and leave the rest. I think the thread jack is going away. But that's me.

I was hoping to have an open discussion with you here. Give some insight and encouragement. Affairs are horrible but you can deal with them. My wife and I are proof of that.

I pray for your success. Again dont rug sweep, take criticism, and dont run away from your fatal flaw.
Hope the best for you.
 

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I just don't see the point of keeping this thread going, it went off in directions which I never intended. Most anything being discussed is nothing close to the issues me and my husband are having. I can see it's now moved into open marriages and rating scales for crying out loud.

I really do wish you all peace of mind and I don't think any of my feelings are contributing to that.
You can always request a moderator to lock the thread. If you don't know how, I'll do it for you. Just jingle.
 

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I just don't see the point of keeping this thread going, it went off in directions which I never intended. Most anything being discussed is nothing close to the issues me and my husband are having. I can see it's now moved into open marriages and rating scales for crying out loud.

I really do wish you all peace of mind and I don't think any of my feelings are contributing to that.
Threads sometimes go off in thread jacks. Usually someone reports it and a moderator will put a stop to the thread jacks.

If you want the thread closed, I can do that.

I will give a warning for people to stop thread jacking and to only reply directly to your issues. That way you could continue posting.
 

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Hey you all, apparently the there are some significant thread jacks on this thread leading to PurpleRoses and her issues not getting the support needed. Stop the thread jacks. If you post on this thread, post directly to @PurpleRoses

PurpleRoses or any other use can report any further thread jacks and a moderator will clean it up.
 

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I just don't see the point of keeping this thread going, it went off in directions which I never intended. Most anything being discussed is nothing close to the issues me and my husband are having. I can see it's now moved into open marriages and rating scales for crying out loud.

I really do wish you all peace of mind and I don't think any of my feelings are contributing to that.
Things can definitely go off the rails in these threads. It will tend to stay a little more on track if the OP sticks around.

That said, Im not sure how much more you would get from this thread if it does stay on topic. You don't seem receptive to anything anyone has been telling you. It is all arguments, pushback and excuses about about you don't have to do this or that. Unless you are making some extraordinary progress in therapy I think you are only prolonging your husband's pain by staying married to him. How is your husband coping lately?
 
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