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The big elephant will always be in the room to a certain extent. From what I’ve seen most waywards dont get it because they weren’t on the receiving end. Her affair was another life. They were dating and having sex 2-3 times a week. Alone together in his apartment. The only reason she got caught was her BIL saw her walking down the street holding hands with the AP.
I suspect this didn’t register upfront with her BS. Most don’t think long term.
This maybe the new norm. Once an AP is brought into the marriage they never really leave. At least the thoughts don’t for a lot of BS’s.
Surprise, surprise the true reason motivating her confession - BIL saw her holding hands with the AP and she wanted to get ahead of the train wreck to follow.

If BIL had not seen her holding hands it would be business as usual with her and her AP while the husband would be left in the cold and the dark. True love.
 

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Surprise, surprise the true reason motivating her confession - BIL saw her holding hands with the AP and she wanted to get ahead of the train wreck to follow.

If BIL had not seen her holding hands it would be business as usual with her and her AP while the husband would be left in the cold and the dark. True love.
There was no confession. She got caught.
 

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it is their husbands who have been given the life sentences.
Fair enough MattMatt, was just hoping that PR’s husband doesn’t end up as a shell.
The stories only verify what is the most valuable to so many in life. True Love. Lose that, and what's it all about.
And its a real bummer to realize late in life just how much time you spent thinking about this crap.

PR and her AP shared a glass of wine. So romantic. PRs husband may never get to enjoy another glass of wine again.
 

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PR and her AP shared a glass of wine. So romantic. PRs husband may never get to enjoy another glass of wine again.
Nothing like going over to an opposite sex co-workers apartment who you already have a history of flirting with to “do some work on your laptop” and have a nice glass of wine. Men definitely don’t encourage women to drink to lower their inhibitions or anything and women definitely don’t drink for that reason too. Nope, nothing to see here.
 

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Nothing like going over to an opposite sex co-workers apartment who you already have a history of flirting with to “do some work on your laptop” and have a nice glass of wine. Men definitely don’t encourage women to drink to lower their inhibitions or anything and women definitely don’t drink for that reason too. Nope, nothing to see here.
PR was too much in this world and let herself get led astray. First with the little things, then everything. She didn't know that she could let herself be blinded.
 

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I have hesitated to post in this thread. I work as an accountant, in a firm that is part of a constellation of services to the divorced/divorcing. I have done this for over 40 years. I agree with past posters, the marriage was meh! Had room for improvement, however, your actions have severely injured the union and your spouse. I will not project what his actions will be, however, do not expect for this to quietly go away. I have had several males and females sitting in my office absolutely shell shocked at their spouse's reactions. I advise preparedness. I have seen violence from the formerly peace loving. I have seen revenge from quiet passionate people. I have seen people grey rock, and upend their spouse's worlds. I have seen parents alienate children. These are horror stories, BUT they arise from the horror that was committed inside the marriage.
 

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I have hesitated to post in this thread. I work as an accountant, in a firm that is part of a constellation of services to the divorced/divorcing. I have done this for over 40 years. I agree with past posters, the marriage was meh! Had room for improvement, however, your actions have severely injured the union and your spouse. I will not project what his actions will be, however, do not expect for this to quietly go away. I have had several males and females sitting in my office absolutely shell shocked at their spouse's reactions. I advise preparedness. I have seen violence from the formerly peace loving. I have seen revenge from quiet passionate people. I have seen people grey rock, and upend their spouse's worlds. I have seen parents alienate children. These are horror stories, BUT they arise from the horror that was committed inside the marriage.

All of this is true - I spent the first 50 years of my life believing in vows, faith, trust, honesty ... I gave all that to 1 person and 1 person only

There isn't a 30 minute or 3 day reconciliation for the mind ... in understanding it was all a joke, a lie, a misconception and a game that was being played and you simply didn't know the rules or that there were other players getting on base and hitting home runs on your wife :(

The adulterer cannot understand that and when they start losing friends, family, children ... they blame it on anything but themselves ....
 

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The more current posts about the SI post are deleted.

The moderator @MattMatt gave the first warning about this discussion.
If you want to debate SI threads, TAM isn't the place for that?
This post is the second warning.
 

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All of this is true - I spent the first 50 years of my life believing in vows, faith, trust, honesty ... I gave all that to 1 person and 1 person only

There isn't a 30 minute or 3 day reconciliation for the mind ... in understanding it was all a joke, a lie, a misconception and a game that was being played and you simply didn't know the rules or that there were other players getting on base and hitting home runs on your wife :(

The adulterer cannot understand that and when they start losing friends, family, children ... they blame it on anything but themselves ....
And what does the adulterer think about when they are old, wrinkled, grey, and no longer a "hot" property on the flesh markets. Friends, family, children ignoring them. I would think they spend their last days regretting. But maybe that is just my imagination that the Karma bus eventually runs them over.

The stories I enjoy is when the adulterer is cheated on by their AP.
 

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I have hesitated to post in this thread. I work as an accountant, in a firm that is part of a constellation of services to the divorced/divorcing. I have done this for over 40 years. I agree with past posters, the marriage was meh! Had room for improvement, however, your actions have severely injured the union and your spouse. I will not project what his actions will be, however, do not expect for this to quietly go away. I have had several males and females sitting in my office absolutely shell shocked at their spouse's reactions. I advise preparedness. I have seen violence from the formerly peace loving. I have seen revenge from quiet passionate people. I have seen people grey rock, and upend their spouse's worlds. I have seen parents alienate children. These are horror stories, BUT they arise from the horror that was committed inside the marriage.
I think there's kind of a "silent majority" of people with enduring patience, who go through their marriage thinking I can handle this, it's not a deal breaker, I'm strong enough to take this, it's not the hill I want to be buried on, etc. These people do what they need to to get the job done. They don't want to cause trouble and make waves. They're just too patient, perhaps too nice, too accomodating.

Until they aren't. Isn't there some saying about what happens when a patient person reaches their limit? That's what might catch betraying spouses by surprise. Their betrayed spouse still wants to be patient; that's their nature. But at some point they're stretched beyond any reasonable limit, and what they betraying spouse faces might not just be the "current event" but rather years of stuff held back that suddenly needs accounting for.
 

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I will not project what his actions will be, however, do not expect for this to quietly go away.
PR came here looking for success stories. Got any happily ever after TAM discussions elegirl?
Maybe the mod should have moved the thread to reconciliation a long time ago since that was PR's long term goal.
 

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PR came here looking for success stories. Got any happily ever after TAM discussions elegirl?
Maybe the mod should have moved the thread to reconciliation a long time ago since that was PR's long term goal.
If you thought this thread should have been moved to reconciliation a long time ago you could have made a report with that suggestion. Moderators on TAM are volunteers. We do not read every single thread/post that is posted here. So we rely very heavily on members to report problems and/or make suggestions.

The SI thread discussion was reported by several members who are aware of the issues these sort of discussions have caused in the past.
 

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If you thought this thread should have been moved to reconciliation a long time ago you could have made a report with that suggestion.
Since a mod was posting to the thread, I assumed everything was okeydokey. Until same mod complained about a reconciliation thread appearing. Then I said move the thread to reconciliation.
 

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I think there's kind of a "silent majority" of people with enduring patience, who go through their marriage thinking I can handle this, it's not a deal breaker, I'm strong enough to take this, it's not the hill I want to be buried on, etc. These people do what they need to to get the job done. They don't want to cause trouble and make waves. They're just too patient, perhaps too nice, too accomodating.

Until they aren't. Isn't there some saying about what happens when a patient person reaches their limit? That's what might catch betraying spouses by surprise. Their betrayed spouse still wants to be patient; that's their nature. But at some point they're stretched beyond any reasonable limit, and what they betraying spouse faces might not just be the "current event" but rather years of stuff held back that suddenly needs accounting for.
I am a very patient person. My wife has never cheated on me but she had did things that hurt, pissed me off or just did not like. I never said anything, the pain and resentment just grew. One dat the dam broke and years of ceap was dimped in her lap over 2-3 days.

She was stunned to say the least. She felt like she really did not know me because i had withheld all those things that bothered me. We now communicate...good...bad...ugly. It is said. Marriage is 10x better now.
 

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I just read a post here on TAM comparing cheating to addiction. It makes a lot of sense and it reinforces some of the things people always say need to happen for reconciliation and have been brought up in this post.

This includes 100% no contact with the AP. They are the drug dealer in this analogy. If you were a heroin addict trying to get clean you would want to put as much distance between you and your source as possible. You may be disgusted by that person thanks to the guilt of being caught, but that can easily change when you feel the need for another "fix". Remove that temptation. Quit your job, block numbers, etc. Same goes for those enabling friends. If you have friends that are also addicts (cheaters) or have hidden your addiction (affair) from others so you could keep up your habit, they need to go.

Recovering addicts are very high risk for having a relapse. Same is true for a cheater. Why increase the risk of a relapse by staying near your dealer and enabling friends?
 

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From my experience, attractive to average, a woman seeking something on the side can get something on the side. The fact that PR found a guy that wanted to bang her does not, in and of itself, indicate where she falls on the attractiveness scale. A women considered a 7 can attract ten times the potential partners and a man considered a 7. A woman generally want someone equivalent to or higher on the quality scale as she is. Men give themselves more latitude. That said, I tend to believe PR's paramour is likely higher quality on the attractiveness scale than she is.
This why open marriages don't work. The wife starts off at an immediate advantage.
 
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