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Mine was minor, but I never compared them or made some sort of, "now we're even" statement. I just said that I felt humiliated. So I didn' t answer it, because I never made the comparison in the first place.

Look, I know how many of you feel, that having an affair proves you don't love your spouse, so there is no right answer to that, so what's the point? I did something awful and I want to make it better, so I'm not going to go on about how hopeless it all is.

I didn't really think there were this many hurt people here with unresolved issues when I posted. That was my mistake and it is a mistake to continue this. I'm really just defending myself against other people's demons. I really have tried to talk about what actually happened and what is happening, but it just gets drowned out by a lot of hurt coming from other places. Infidelity does suck, and I'm sure it sucks more to be on the other side of it. I sincerely hope that everyone here finds some peace in their lives if they haven't been able to find it yet.
PR - if you are serious about fixing yourself this may no longer be the best forum for you to work on yourself. I'll repeat a suggestion I've made before: I think you should tell your story in the Wayward section of survivinginfidelity.com - it focuses on wayward looking to understand their own behavior and finding tools for effective reconciliation. In any case I would take (as you have) Gabriel's post to heart and decide where your commitment is.
 

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Mine was minor, but I never compared them or made some sort of, "now we're even" statement. I just said that I felt humiliated. So I didn' t answer it, because I never made the comparison in the first place.

Look, I know how many of you feel, that having an affair proves you don't love your spouse, so there is no right answer to that, so what's the point? I did something awful and I want to make it better, so I'm not going to go on about how hopeless it all is.

I didn't really think there were this many hurt people here with unresolved issues when I posted. That was my mistake and it is a mistake to continue this. I'm really just defending myself against other people's demons. I really have tried to talk about what actually happened and what is happening, but it just gets drowned out by a lot of hurt coming from other places. Infidelity does suck, and I'm sure it sucks more to be on the other side of it. I sincerely hope that everyone here finds some peace in their lives if they haven't been able to find it yet.
The fact that you are defending your actions at all speaks volumes.

I sincerely hope your husband finds mental clarity and peace.

So far, that doesn't sound like it can be provided by you.

Best of luck.
 

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I haven't said much about it because like you said, he was in the same pandemic and didn't do anything, but it really did contribute. I felt so isolated and lonely. It doesn't mean it was right, but it was a pressure I wasn't ready for.
PR,
I want to hear what you are doing to help your husband. What are you doing other than the bedroom and his conditions to make him know that he is special.

Whatever magic words you are using, id love to read them. But don't share them here, lest ye be roasted further.

PR, Are you a difficult person to live with? I mean to ask, are you seeking to be less selfish in other ways?

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk
 

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His issues are his confidence in me and his confidence in himself. A lot of them are sexual, but I can't talk about that without being accused of salacious intent.
There's something that might be really different about a spouse's wife having an affair, than a husband.

For the most part, an attractive woman can "have" a whole lot of men with very little effort. If your interest was primarily sex (which for the sake of argument, we'll assume that's what your husband believes), then you'll have a pretty easy time having that interest satisfied. And your husband knows that.

Your husband, on the other hand, has likely always had insecurities to some degree about sex. You might not realize that, or have tossed such thoughts aside because it's not something many guys would discuss. But he's probably thinking how his attractive wife really has it together sexually and can attract any guy she wants, while he has no such confidence in his own abilities at all. A guy is trained to do what he can to take care of the family so his wife sticks around. Seriously, this is a thing. A guy just doesn't have anywhere near the sexual confidence a woman might have. And even if the woman doesn't have that confidence, the guy believes she does.

So your affair taps into your husband's very worst fears. He's failed as a provider, and he's failed to sexually satisfy you as well. That's what he's probably going through.

Do you know much about his past, prior to meeting you?
 

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His issues are his confidence in me and his confidence in himself. A lot of them are sexual, but I can't talk about that without being accused of salacious intent.
@PurpleRoses, would you be willing to share some of the issues that he's facing, if you are comfortable with sharing? People here may help you to look at those from a different point of view and also likely how to help him get over that.

So your affair taps into your husband's very worst fears. He's failed as a provider, and he's failed to sexually satisfy you as well. That's what he's probably going through.

Do you know much about his past, prior to meeting you?
My worry is that this is probably some of the things that have been running in his mind. How often do you both sit down and talk about the issues that he's thinking about and what you can do to help him?
 

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I sincerely hope that everyone here finds some peace in their lives if they haven't been able to find it yet.
its been 2 1/2 years since I found out about my ex's adultery - the day my reality was totally shattered

some days it haunts me all day long, some days just parts of the day ... it is rare that I don't think about it

I still dream about it 5 of 7 nights of the week, not good dreams

what my ex did ..... I think today I will never escape it. Lewis Capaldi song says "I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me " ......... that's me, and I think that's many others too. I didn't ask to be put in this situation - your husband didn't either. YOU chose that for him. Now, he has to figure out a way to make sense of it all, same as I did.

I've tried telling you what you're husband is feeling, I don't know if you're listening or not and I don't know that it'd matter .... but it would be you TRYING to understand. What I'm saying in this post is you say you hope everyone finds their peace like its really easy to find after damn near everything they believed in this world was shown to be untrue.

You don't get that because you are the one that did the shattering. Can you fix it all? 100% NO - you can't. That damage is done and will always be. Can you do enough to make up for it all ? I don't think so but you can try
 

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I'm really just defending myself against other people's demons.
It's interesting that this would be your take-away here. Another way of approaching this could have been: "I realize this is an infidelity forum for people attempting to recover from infidelity, and I came here knowing this, hoping that I could possibly gain some understanding of what my husband is going through." You do realize that the demons that are tormenting betrayed spouses here, they are exactly the same demons now tormenting your husband. Emasclation, sexual humiliation, trauma. "I'm not enough of a man for my wife." If your goal is to reconcile and rebuild your marriage, you'd be well advised to understand and empathize with them rather than battle them.

On a small point, workplace gender interactions nowadays are fraught with peril for men. Any professional man who values his career knows to keep his interactions with female colleagues purely professional, lest he risk an allegation of sexual harassment that could derail or destroy a career. I've been alone in homes with many female colleagues over the years, and always kept it very professional ... except the few times when I didn't, when I (during my single years) actually had sex with a few female colleagues. Knowing the risks involved, I only did it where I was absolutely certain that a sexual move would be welcomed and reciprocated. A TON of pre-move flirting and sexual innuendo, way more than the threshold in a normal non-work environment.

I say that because your AP certainly didn't make his move in a vacuum. Which gets back to my point about compartmentalization and infidelity via line-crossing. Your first step to self-knowledge is to stop arrogating the conceit that "it just happened." That's simply not the reality.
 

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PR - if you are serious about fixing yourself this may no longer be the best forum for you to work on yourself. I'll repeat a suggestion I've made before: I think you should tell your story in the Wayward section of survivinginfidelity.com - it focuses on wayward looking to understand their own behavior and finding tools for effective reconciliation. In any case I would take (as you have) Gabriel's post to heart and decide where your commitment is.
PR is no longer wayward.
 

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So your affair taps into your husband's very worst fears. He's failed as a provider, and he's failed to sexually satisfy you as well. That's what he's probably going through.
This sounds like putting blame onto the guy who was betrayed. HE failed at nothing. SHE failed miserably as a wife and mother. SHE lied and cheated on someone she promised to be faithful to. And shows no signs of even caring about making amends for the damage SHE wreaked, so long as SHE has IC.

I didn't see anything posted to indicate he had failed as a provider. Where did that get mentioned?

And it takes two to tango, so any sexual problems they have are at least 50% PR's fault! Probably more, her attitude that comes through in her posts doesn't sound like being married to her would be any picnic. And he has lived through 20 years of it!

He hasn't failed to satisfy her, she has failed to facilitate resolving whatever problems there were. Of course now, it makes no difference, most men wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole after her escapades when she was supposed to be working a job.
 

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This sounds like putting blame onto the guy who was betrayed. HE failed at nothing. SHE failed miserably as a wife and mother. SHE lied and cheated on someone she promised to be faithful to. And shows no signs of even caring about making amends for the damage SHE wreaked, so long as SHE has IC.

I didn't see anything posted to indicate he had failed as a provider. Where did that get mentioned?

And it takes two to tango, so any sexual problems they have are at least 50% PR's fault! Probably more, her attitude that comes through in her posts doesn't sound like being married to her would be any picnic. And he has lived through 20 years of it!

He hasn't failed to satisfy her, she has failed to facilitate resolving whatever problems there were. Of course now, it makes no difference, most men wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole after her escapades when she was supposed to be working a job.
Guess I wasn’t clear. He likely didn’t fail at any of those things. I was saying that’s what might be going through his head. The result, her cheating, is, to him, evidence of his failure.
 

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I decided that I need to tell my husband about something that happened. I'm not even sure to begin, but one thing I'm really just not sure about. Can I ask him to forgive me? Or do I just tell him and let him express his feelings?

Part of me feels like asking him will pressure him to saying certain things, but if I don't ask he may think that I don't even want him to forgive me.
I realized although I've contributed to your post, I don't think I've answered your original question. The answers is, yes, it is fair to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness the word is accompanied by actions. The person offended is being asked to extend grace and compassion to the offender.

This is easier when the offender is humbled, contrite, remorseful and committed to acknowledging the offense and giving an extraordinary effort to heal the wounded and ensuring their emotional and psychological safety. This is the pathway to reconciliation.

Being frustrated, uneasy or finding difficulty in taking responsibility pretty much nullifies a fair exchange of grace that allows the betrayed to feel :"safe" in the relationship which is a must in order to decide to reconcile and then actually reconcile. In some cases, these are two different questions with the first being deciding to reconcile then committing to take the steps leading to a successful reconciliation. Many say yes to the reconciling but aren't quite ready to take the steps needed. They say, it's not necessary or some other reason that fits their narrative. In reconciliation, only total remorse is the answer.

For your husband, regardless of his disposition, this is an extremely tenuous situation for him. It's the decision to place his heart in your hands. With a recent track record of infidelity, this is a challenge of enormous proportions. In reading your posts it seems as if you have a chance to reconcile with him. Your ability to take exceptional care in a humble, non-defensive and remorseful manner regardless of the degree of difficulty will yield you the results you seek.

When I was cheated on, it took four months or so for me to process what happened. Their is a period following disclosure that doesn't quite process right away for some reason. I've read it's natural for this to happen in a delayed fashion, so it's best to proceed knowing he may or may not feel the same way November 9th or December 9th.

He'll process at his own speed, so just sit back and adjust to the levels of emotional ups and downs the best you can. If you haven't purchased books on how you can help your betrayed husband recover, then you might want to ask yourself what's root cause on why you haven't at this point. It's not uncommon for wayward spouses to not fully understand the enormity of their transgression so it would benefit you to know this and expedite your understanding of his pain and methods to remedy it.
 

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He'll process at his own speed, so just sit back and adjust to the levels of emotional ups and downs the best you can. If you haven't purchased books on how you can help your betrayed husband recover, then you might want to ask yourself what's root cause on why you haven't at this point. It's not uncommon for wayward spouses to not fully understand the enormity of their transgression so it would benefit you to know this and expedite your understanding of his pain and methods to remedy it.
There really is just one primary point here, something that could help PR and just about any other spouse who has strayed.

Message to the betraying spouse: Whatever you think your spouse is going through, it is so tainted by how you think they should behave, that you are completely blinded to the truth, the painful severity of it all.

It is somehow natural, and we see it here all the time, that the wandering/betraying/whatever spouse has an idea of how their betrayed should act. That is patently absurd and the sooner the betraying spouse realizes this, and stops reacting to demands as if they're simply unreasonable, the better any chance of reconciliation. Digging in your heels is not appropriate. And it gets worse. The person you want to reconcile with... your betrayal may have destroyed the person you loved.

You can't put time limits for when he or she will decide to "act reasonably." You can't tell them what to do. You can express concern, you can suggest counseling so they can determine if it's worth continuing. You can step back and watch how much of your spouse's life energy and ego was invested in you as you observe the wreckage.

But any time you think you've found a way inside your spouse's head, chances are, the depression and anger and angst and anxiety and helplessness that your spouse is actually feeling is orders of magnitude worse than you think.

So when your spouse comes home and finds you playing card games on your computer or watching a mindless TV show and you get snapped at because if you were taking the relationship seriously you'd be working on it more often... and you want to tell him or her that you didn't sign up for prison... it's probably over. It should be over.
 

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Can’t say I jumped in the sack with someone else just because of the pandemic. I didn’t know that losing all self control and agency to make rational decisions was a side effect. But how convenient.
I would actually think the pandemic and all of the lock downs would strengthen a pair bond. Wife n I spent more time indoors together without the usual distractions of daily life, so yeah we jumped in the sack at times we would normally have been at the shopping mall or at a restaurant. It's like we look at one another and say "why not?". So yes, it was convenient lol.
 

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This sounds like putting blame onto the guy who was betrayed. HE failed at nothing. SHE failed miserably as a wife and mother. SHE lied and cheated on someone she promised to be faithful to. And shows no signs of even caring about making amends for the damage SHE wreaked, so long as SHE has IC.
My recommendation to Mr. PR is to, 1. realize that some women will always cheat. I had a couple of clients, married multiple times, that cheated with me, et al on all their husbands. 2. Understand the fact that PR, by her own admission, flirted throughout her marriage is a dead giveaway she needed more attention from men than he alone could give. Whether it was his negligence to understand women, and provide an acceptable level of want it took, Mrs PR clearly indicated it wasn't cutting the mustard and her romantic interest in him always was, or became insufficient, to make her not seek attention elsewhere. It wouldn't surprise me if Mr. PR was somewhat of a rebound guy 20 years ago.
At any rate, knowing what he knows now, its his own fault if he stays in this situation. Considering the open flirting in front of him and now her affair, he need to consider if he wants to stay with her given the availability of other women. Mrs PR is apparently not willing to accept nor discuss the root cause of her flirting and ultimate doing.
 
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