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Purple
Been reading your thread for a while. Your BH is being very stoic. I can’t imagine having to say the words to my wife “please uninvite your lover to the surprise anniversary party I planned for you”. Whether he shows it to you or not, that is a soul shattering sentence to have to say.

You are getting lots of good advice on everything you should be doing to try and start rebuilding what your choices have destroyed.

But one think I want to absolutely be clear on. You need to find a way to NEVER and I mean NEVER see or hear from your AP ever again. And that means finding a new job.

Now I read all your excuses about why you cannot quit your job. But a truly remorseful wayward wife would realize she should have thought of that before choosing to “F-word” a coworker. Now is time to do the hard things. The impossible things, to rebuild and show your H you are serious about it.

The fact that there is a chance you will see him, every day you are there, is completely unacceptable, even if your husband doesn’t say it is. It needs to be UNACCEPTABLE TO YOU.

Now I’m not telling you to quit your job. I’m telling you to find another one. And to start now. I truly remorseful wayward wife would want to be safe for her betrayed husband. And you should want to do this the right way, FOR HIM.

So I can’t stress this enough. Communicate to your husband that it is important that you become a safe partner and you want to do everything you possibly can to remove this piece of **** man completely from your lives. So with his agreement you will start to look and interview for a new job.

I don’t care that you love your job. This is no longer about you. If you think it is, please call a divorce attorney and let your H know you are NOT ALL IN with rebuilding the marriage.

Please do this step. To me it’s one of the most important you can take.
 

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OP, you haven't suffered any consequences, yet. I imagine you're waiting for the other shoe to drop - that can be quite disquieting.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and it may be that is what will happen to you. Your husband seems to be trying to keep control of the situation to manage his shame of having an unfaithful wife and pride. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.
so all I could think of after reading your post was the famous line by Yoda after Luke said he was not afraid, “You will be, You WILL be”.
 

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Purple
Been reading your thread for a while. Your BH is being very stoic. I can’t imagine having to say the words to my wife “please uninvite your lover to the surprise anniversary party I planned for you”. Whether he shows it to you or not, that is a soul shattering sentence to have to say.

You are getting lots of good advice on everything you should be doing to try and start rebuilding what your choices have destroyed.

But one think I want to absolutely be clear on. You need to find a way to NEVER and I mean NEVER see or hear from your AP ever again. And that means finding a new job.

Now I read all your excuses about why you cannot quit your job. But a truly remorseful wayward wife would realize she should have thought of that before choosing to “F-word” a coworker. Now is time to do the hard things. The impossible things, to rebuild and show your H you are serious about it.

The fact that there is a chance you will see him, every day you are there, is completely unacceptable, even if your husband doesn’t say it is. It needs to be UNACCEPTABLE TO YOU.

Now I’m not telling you to quit your job. I’m telling you to find another one. And to start now. I truly remorseful wayward wife would want to be safe for her betrayed husband. And you should want to do this the right way, FOR HIM.

So I can’t stress this enough. Communicate to your husband that it is important that you become a safe partner and you want to do everything you possibly can to remove this man completely from your lives. So with his agreement you will start to look and interview for a new job.

I don’t care that you love your job. This is no longer about you. If you think it is, please call a divorce attorney and let your H know you are NOT ALL IN with rebuilding the marriage.

Please do this step. To me it’s one of the most important you can take.
 

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To be clear, I don’t think she should unilaterally quit her job. She should, however, discuss it with her husband.

And it’s not about punishing anyone — it’s about showing her husband that she’s willing to do whatever it takes to put as much emotional and physical distance between herself and OM as possible.

Because 22 floors and keycards don’t mean jack when compared to office phones, computers, email, messaging systems, etc to which he’ll have no access in order to verify NC, not to mention the doubtlessly hundreds of bathrooms, stairwells, break rooms, maintenance closets, etc that can be used to meet up.

I mean… DUUUHHHHH.
 

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Perhaps news of the affair will make it's way through their place of employment and the choice to leave the job will be made for them both. It has happened many times before. It's something purple needs to prepare for.
 

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Purple
Been reading your thread for a while. Your BH is being very stoic. I can’t imagine having to say the words to my wife “please uninvite your lover to the surprise anniversary party I planned for you”. Whether he shows it to you or not, that is a soul shattering sentence to have to say.

You are getting lots of good advice on everything you should be doing to try and start rebuilding what your choices have destroyed.

But one think I want to absolutely be clear on. You need to find a way to NEVER and I mean NEVER see or hear from your AP ever again. And that means finding a new job.

Now I read all your excuses about why you cannot quit your job. But a truly remorseful wayward wife would realize she should have thought of that before choosing to “F-word” a coworker. Now is time to do the hard things. The impossible things, to rebuild and show your H you are serious about it.

The fact that there is a chance you will see him, every day you are there, is completely unacceptable, even if your husband doesn’t say it is. It needs to be UNACCEPTABLE TO YOU.

Now I’m not telling you to quit your job. I’m telling you to find another one. And to start now. I truly remorseful wayward wife would want to be safe for her betrayed husband. And you should want to do this the right way, FOR HIM.

So I can’t stress this enough. Communicate to your husband that it is important that you become a safe partner and you want to do everything you possibly can to remove this man completely from your lives. So with his agreement you will start to look and interview for a new job.

I don’t care that you love your job. This is no longer about you. If you think it is, please call a divorce attorney and let your H know you are NOT ALL IN with rebuilding the marriage.

Please do this step. To me it’s one of the most important you can take.
Haven't you read enough of her responses to realize she is going to do whatever she wants to and nothing she doesn't want to. Husband will just have to deal with it, she knows him well enough to realize he will swallow the sandwich. And seems he is fine with that. This whole thing is going to be rugswept both spouses, the only people besides them an lover boy who will ever know are the few people who would never tell anyone else.

Nothing to see here.
 

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So I can’t stress this enough. Communicate to your husband that it is important that you become a safe partner and you want to do everything you possibly can to remove this piece of **** man completely from your lives. So with his agreement you will start to look and interview for a new job.

I don’t care that you love your job. This is no longer about you. If you think it is, please call a divorce attorney and let your H know you are NOT ALL IN with rebuilding the marriage.

Please do this step. To me it’s one of the most important you can take.


My ex never lost any sleep, never lost appetite or weight, she didn't quit her college or her job ...... and I didn't ask her to do those things thinking it was selfish of me

The Truth was, she wanted to keep all those things because she was the selfish one and she continued her adultery physically and by remembering it all as beautiful and wonderful and special

I should have know better - but that was the fool in me thinking she'd see me as wonderful and special when reality was, she was just continuing to use me, manipulate me, take advantage of me .... all her words and actions were nothing


that's the price of adultery - losing all credibility. Your words no longer mean anything, You've proven capable of the worst actions and lies. You can't get that back, ever. But OP knew that when she broke all her vows, promises and entrusted faith.
 

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My ex never lost any sleep, never lost appetite or weight, she didn't quit her college or her job ...... and I didn't ask her to do those things thinking it was selfish of me

The Truth was, she wanted to keep all those things because she was the selfish one and she continued her adultery physically and by remembering it all as beautiful and wonderful and special

I should have know better - but that was the fool in me thinking she'd see me as wonderful and special when reality was, she was just continuing to use me, manipulate me, take advantage of me .... all her words and actions were nothing


that's the price of adultery - losing all credibility. Your words no longer mean anything, You've proven capable of the worst actions and lies. You can't get that back, ever. But OP knew that when she broke all her vows, promises and entrusted faith.
Your ex may have a sister in PR.
 

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Husband will just have to deal with it, she knows him well enough to realize he will swallow the sandwich.
until husband realizes that the woman he loved is gone - that woman of high moral and ethics, who has deep character of vows/faith/trust is gone. Dead, gone, will never ever return

when he realizes this new person lied to his face for months, literally came home with the sweat of another man on her, who had sex with someone else and loved doing it, who planned the events and scheduled/organized the times, who spent how many hours dreaming of another man ..... when he realizes that is the person he's married to now, he'll leave and he'll do it his way on his terms

or he should anyway, if he's smart

I don't know what the OP can do to repair it - everything she needs to is the answer and even though, there is a snowball's chance in hell IMO. the OP knew that when she committed adultery - that's the price she was willing to pay
 

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Not saying you are wrong, but my advice is the same whether she takes it or not :)
It was very good advice. However, moving forward from shameful feelings of regret to a more humbled and determined state of remorse is not always possible for everyone. I think those who can do it have a chance to save their marriage. And make it worth saving. It hasn’t been that long since DDay for her marriage. She may yet get there. I kinda hope she has moved on from this site to more professional help. This place can get pretty toxic.
 

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It was very good advice. However, moving forward from shameful feelings of regret to a more humbled and determined state of remorse is not always possible for everyone. I think those who can do it have a chance to save their marriage. And make it worth saving. It hasn’t been that long since DDay for her marriage. She may yet get there. I kinda hope she has moved on from this site to more professional help. This place can get pretty toxic.
I'm always intrigued with statistics. Most studies say only 15%-16% marriage survive infidelity even though somewhere around 40% attempt to recover from it.
 

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I'm always intrigued with statistics. Most studies say only 15%-16% marriage survive infidelity even though somewhere around 40% attempt to recover from it.
A moderator on TAM once said R was successful 85% of the time, which thought astounding, maybe that is for all causes. I would think the 15% surviving infidelity would be on the high side. Of course getting real numbers would be difficult, a lot of couples just divorce and never divulge if cheating was the cause.
 

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A moderator on TAM once said R was successful 85% of the time, which thought astounding, maybe that is for all causes. I would think the 15% surviving infidelity would be on the high side. Of course getting real numbers would be difficult, a lot of couples just divorce and never divulge if cheating was the cause.
That was 1 study. Of the many done they are all over the place. Some say as low as 16% and 1 as high as 85%, most fall between 30-60%
 

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A moderator on TAM once said R was successful 85% of the time, which thought astounding, maybe that is for all causes. I would think the 15% surviving infidelity would be on the high side. Of course getting real numbers would be difficult, a lot of couples just divorce and never divulge if cheating was the cause.
True. Surviving is not the same as thriving. A person who is in a car wreck and ends up in a coma is surviving.
 

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I'd think 10-15% is about right - and 90% of the surviving ones probably aren't healthy/good marriages

When a person destroys trust/faith/vows combined with lies/manipulation/using that adultery requires ..... everyone pretty much knows when they do it they're destroying the fabric of their lives

and they do it anyway because lust/desire/fantasy/selfishness invades their minds and takes over
 

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That was 1 study. Of the many done they are all over the place. Some say as low as 16% and 1 as high as 85%, most fall between 30-60%
I love stats, but as we all know they can be manipulated, cherry picked, etc. I'm sure most people have heard the says, there are lies, damned lies and statistics.

You have to consider the source. I found one article from a general relationship blog that sited a study from 2018 that found 16% of marriages survived infidelity. Surviving mean they were married 2 years or longer after the infidelity. Then I found a couples therapy site that used a study from 2014 that said 50% of unfaithful partners are still married to the BS. They give no time frame. Is it 2 months or 2 years after the affair discovery. They also have a vested interest in showing that marriage can survive infidelity making it worthwhile to go to counseling.

Some other stats I found interesting...

Overall men cheat more, but when you break it down by age, up until 29 women cheat slightly more than men, 11% vs 10%. It switches at that point and goes up drastically for men over 40.

Good new for the faithful, 83% of marriages with no infidelity are still married.
 
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