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So your husband doesnt want your boyfriend at the party where he CAN keep an eye on him? Hows he going to feel when youre off to work every day to the same place where you have already proven you CANT be trusted?I wonder? Can you imagine the pain he will be in and are you willingly going to put him through it just because you are chosing your job over your husband.No excuses bottom line whether you see it but we all do.
 

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He told me he was invited and that I have to univite him.
I'd hope the guy has at least enough respect for you and your old man not to show up. That would take a real douche bag.
 

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read this


first understand you don't really love your husbands, not really .... you might have a need for him, but you don't do what you did to people you love..... you've destroyed everything he's ever know as far as faith, trust, vows ........ its all gone. You have also killed those things in him. He will NEVER trust you again. Ever. Never. What you did will be with him every day. what you did was all for you and nobody else - because you wanted it.

my ex-wife played the same games - she was emotional, she was still the same person, just a temporary lapse of judgement but the truth is? my ex-wife died when she did those things because the woman I loved wouldn't have

you are NOT who your husband loves - you are who he remembers loving

because my world was shattered, my life ended .... because my ex-wife died and I died too now. because of her adultery I lost my family (in-laws) and she lost all her (my family) and she lost her sister and her son, and my daughter knows her mom is a ***** now. She lost everything for a shiny pretty object - you might too but you cannot play the whole " I'm a person too" card .......... people make mistakes like tripping or overcooking a steak - you damn sure knew when you went to his apartment what you were going to do, you thought about it often and you did it

if you cannot admit to that - then why even ask the questioned you asked ?



now you want me to give advice from the side you never thought about ? I want you to think back on your affair - do you miss any part of it from the emotional part, friend part, sex part ... any of it ?

if you can honestly say no - then you might can provide your husband with enough actions/words in the next decade to make your marriage work is he's an amazing husband.

if even one part of anything you did do you remember as beautiful or special or miss it ..... then leave your husband now because anything less is continuing the abuse, lying, using and manipulation that you've done to him for all this time since you started your affair.

and anything that's being done to you - like DNA tests ? suffer it
 

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I have some pretty awful realities to face and I'm not even sure how I'm going to do it.

I'm curious how many affairs have you been around in your lifetime? How many broken marriages because of adultery? Ever read the Bible? Have you ever seen a tv show or movie where adultery destroys everything ?

Now, understand this .... you absolutely KNEW the consequences of what you were choosing to do. You just thought you'd do it and hide it and get away with it. right ?

honest answer please - because my wife thought she could/would. Have all the adultery fun but never pay the costs that comes with it

so the awful realities you chose with your actions, you knew them before you did the adultery .... now face them
 

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I didn't get away with anything either. I have some pretty awful realities to face and I'm not even sure how I'm going to do it.
PR, you've said you are not leaving your job as a result of the affair. You know without just bolting and running, you're not going to get off the hook around this site without explaining why you're willing to confess, but don't seem to be willing to sacrifice very many tangible things to ease your husband's mind that you're not in contact with this cat. Do you believe your job is worth the torment of uncertainty he may have that you are continuing to see this cat at work? There's another recent thread where a chick got caught having an affair with a co worker, lead her old man to believe it was over, continued both to work with with him and have an affair with him for another 6 years. How do you think your husband would respond to that thread? Go ahead and place a bid on your husband's peace of mind and your marriage Milady.

Remember the quote, "Woe to him who offends a patient man who has just reached his limit.”
― Joyce Rachelle
 

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PR, you've said you are not leaving your job as a result of the affair. You know without just bolting and running, you're not going to get off the hook around this site without explaining why you're willing to confess, but don't seem to be willing to sacrifice very many tangible things to ease your husband's mind that you're not in contact with this cat. Do you believe your job is worth the torment of uncertainty he may have that you are continuing to see this cat at work? There's another recent thread where a chick got caught having an affair with a co worker, lead her old man to believe it was over, continued both to work with with him and have an affair with him for another 6 years. How do you think your husband would respond to that thread? Go ahead and place a bid on your husband's peace of mind and your marriage Milady.

Remember the quote, "Woe to him who offends a patient man who has just reached his limit.”
― Joyce Rachelle
Damn.

That was remarkably balanced.

And not even a single “Dawg”.

Bravo. 👏🏻
 

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So your husband doesnt want your boyfriend at the party where he CAN keep an eye on him? Hows he going to feel when youre off to work every day to the same place where you have already proven you CANT be trusted?I wonder? Can you imagine the pain he will be in and are you willingly going to put him through it just because you are chosing your job over your husband.No excuses bottom line whether you see it but we all do.
Actually, keeping her job helps her husband if there is ever a divorce. That income ought to be counted in calculating any spousal support. And, she can't really be trusted anywhere. Every time she leaves the house he will wonder where she is actually going. Maybe he will get to the point where he no longer cares where she goes of what she does.
 

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I don't know what type of guy your husband is, but the first thing I thought of is that I would want to serve papers in front of all our family and friends. But I would not have un-invited the OM.

I guess there's still time for him to come out of shock.
 

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Yea, I would wait to quit until the bomb that dropped has had time to sink in. If this ends up heading toward divorce, there is no reason to quit....
 

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Actually, keeping her job helps her husband if there is ever a divorce. That income ought to be counted in calculating any spousal support. And, she can't really be trusted anywhere. Every time she leaves the house he will wonder where she is actually going. Maybe he will get to the point where he no longer cares where she goes of what she does.
Her past work history can also be used to show that she’s capable of working and at what level, the salary she could expect, etc.

IOW, working/not working wouldn’t necessarily hurt or help either or them if it came to divorce.

Working THERE alongside OM (whether they work together closely or not) could wind up being the thing that keeps reconciliation from happening, though.

Dress for the job you want, folks — do you want to be a gainfully-employed divorcée or a temporarily-unemployed spouse? 🤷🏻‍♂️
 
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Her past work history can also be used to show that she’s capable of working and at what level, the salary she could expect, etc.

IOW, working/not working wouldn’t necessarily hurt or help either or them if it came to divorce.

Working THERE alongside OM (whether they work together closely or not) could wind up being the thing that keeps reconciliation from happening, though.

Dress for the job you want, folks — do you want to be a gainfully-employed divorcée or a temporarily-unemployed spouse? 🤷🏻‍♂️
Point taken, but in reality whether they work at same place or not, she n BF can still play. And hubby ought to assume they are, make her prove otherwise.
 

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Of course he asked, that was his first question and I told him. I'm not hiding things. He told me he was invited and that I have to univite him.
Why didn’t you require no contact with OM when things ended? OM should not be allowed anywhere near your house and, if invited, should have been EXPECTED, by common sense and by your husband, to come up with a reason he couldn’t come.

It would be a rather “nuclear” f-you to your husband if OM said he was coming though, so I suspect he simply hasn’t made his intentions known. But it was OM’s responsibility to decline at first opportunity.
 

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Contrary to most opinions here, I don't think he is planning on outing her on the 20th anniversary. He seems like a kind man. My guess would be

1. He doesn't want to rock the boat as much as possible, specially because of their children.
2. Poor guy is still in shock and not processing things correctly. He keeps blaming himself. A common but misguided thought process.
3. A lot of men feel embarrassment and emasculation when they get cheated on. He would likely want to avoid telling the world about that.

This is unforgivable. Thinking about how much its going to hurt to pretend at his 20th anniversary and how he will likely never really be able to change that memory is just devastating to even read about, much less go through it.
 

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I don't know if you're asking me, but I have never cheated on, not even when I was dating before we met. I don't really know what it feels like at all.

I also, don't think he is ignoring his pain. He just expresses it differently. We talked well into the early morning on Friday about and and spent most of Saturday laying in bed. I don't think it's easy in a lot of ways for him, and it effects relationships that go beyond just ours. There is nothing simple about it and he isn't a wimp for not berating me or throwing me out on the street.

I didn't get away with anything either. I have some pretty awful realities to face and I'm not even sure how I'm going to do it.
Start by quitting your job!
It’s a consequence for your bad behavior! You shouldn’t go to that job for even one more day!

And NO it is not fair to ask for forgiveness, especially when you make a decision countless times to betray him.
What you should be doing is offering to DO anything he requests to hand him some peace of mind! Who cares how you feel - you betrayed him. Forgiveness? Pffftttt!
 

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Contrary to most opinions here, I don't think he is planning on outing her on the 20th anniversary. He seems like a kind man. My guess would be

1. He doesn't want to rock the boat as much as possible, specially because of their children.
2. Poor guy is still in shock and not processing things correctly. He keeps blaming himself. A common but misguided thought process.
3. A lot of men feel embarrassment and emasculation when they get cheated on. He would likely want to avoid telling the world about that.

This is unforgivable. Thinking about how much its going to hurt to pretend at his 20th anniversary and how he will likely never really be able to change that memory is just devastating to even read about, much less go through it.
Yes, my opinions are always colored by what think I would do. And outing at the anniversary would be creative. But your number 3 is probably closest to this husband's position, recalling he doesn't want their kids to know. His warning to PR about not showing sadness and him telling her to contact her lover and tell him not to come is a little incongruous with number 3 though.

As usual, we don't know the husbands personality, motivation, or background. Or PR's for that matter. She has been reticent for some reason with responding to questions, but the overall picture suggests the whole affair being rug swept by all involved. If hubby is hoping to do that, carrying on with the anniversary party is understandable.

Maybe rug sweeping "works" in more cases than we know. Maybe a lot of couples we know have or are going through an affair(s) or it's (their) aftermath and remain married. In the days before the internet and social media my impression is that was fairly common. As a kid, recall people in our small town being gossiped about as being the WS, BS, or AP in an affair, sometimes participating in more than one role. Had friends that discovered what their parents were doing from other kids overhearing adult conversations. The parents even put on a face in public trying to make everyone believe their marriage was one made in heaven.
 

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Start by quitting your job!
It’s a consequence for your bad behavior! You shouldn’t go to that job for even one more day!

And NO it is not fair to ask for forgiveness, especially when you make a decision countless times to betray him.
What you should be doing is offering to DO anything he requests to hand him some peace of mind! Who cares how you feel - you betrayed him. Forgiveness? Pffftttt!
This is the difference between regret and remorse. I believe PR is very sad and regretful. Would invent a time machine and change everything if she could. But that is not remorse. Remorse is making your needs secondary to his needs in whatever form that takes. Including (but hopefully not) ending the relationship.

imagine this analogy:The unfaithful spouse walks up their mate and without warning stabs them in the heart. A regretful WS stands over the BS sobbing and repeating how sorry and sad they are that they did that. A remorseful spouse performs whatever action they need to do to stop the bleeding and nurse the victim back to health. Even if that means doing things that are very costly or difficult to them.

When the BS sees actions and true remorse they slowly start to feel safe again and slowly (very slowly) begin to trust again. That takes years but eventually true forgiveness can be offered.

PR if you’re still reading this read I recommend reaching out to some other sites that focus on this aspect of recovery. aftermyaffair.com and things like that. As always, a MC trained in infidelity would be very helpful.
 

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OP, you haven't suffered any consequences, yet. I imagine you're waiting for the other shoe to drop - that can be quite disquieting.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and it may be that is what will happen to you. Your husband seems to be trying to keep control of the situation to manage his shame of having an unfaithful wife and pride. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.
 
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