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Of course he asked, that was his first question and I told him. I'm not hiding things. He told me he was invited and that I have to univite him.
I assume that he also knows that your husband knows? Does he have a family he'll be trying to protect?
 

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One of the typical pieces of advice that we give the betrayed here is that they can't forgive what they don't know. So I guess your job is to make sure he knows it all and then it seems like he may just move into forgiveness.

Waywards tend to trickle truth, or only let out bits of information at a time....trying to soften the blow, which only leads to a 2nd D-day, where new information is often very damaging.

You need to avoid doing these things to get into a real reconciliation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #464 ·
One of the typical pieces of advice that we give the betrayed here is that they can't forgive what they don't know. So I guess your job is to make sure he knows it all and then it seems like he may just move into forgiveness.

Waywards tend to trickle truth, or only let out bits of information at a time....trying to soften the blow, which only leads to a 2nd D-day, where new information is often very damaging.

You need to avoid doing these things to get into a real reconciliation.
I'm not going into all the details here, it isn't important to relive that, but he knows and suffice to say that he knows enough that there won't be any further surprises.
 

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He made me think that we weren't going to make a big deal out of it. He just made reservations at a place we go to sort of often and told me not to make a big deal out of gifts. But he didn't really tell me what he was planning. While we're at the restaurant our friends and family are showing up at the house to surprise me when we get home for our 20th anniversary. There have been a lot of restrictions and bubbles and lockdowns and he knows I've been missing this type of social thing and he organized it as a gift.
Based on what you said here above it does sound like you have a pretty good husband there. I do bet you really feel even worse than you already did. I hope you can work through it. It sounds like based on your post that hopefully you have learned your lesson and can move on. It is now up to your husband to see if he can. Best of luck! You might tell him that after what you have done to the marriage this celebration he has planned can be maybe looked at just for you two as the start of your new marriage (relationship). Just a suggestion.
 

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Based on what you said here above it does sound like you have a pretty good husband there. I do bet you really feel even worse than you already did. I hope you can work through it. It sounds like based on your post that hopefully you have learned your lesson and can move on. It is now up to your husband to see if he can. Best of luck! You might tell him that after what you have done to the marriage this celebration he has planned can be maybe looked at just for you two as the start of your new marriage (relationship). Just a suggestion.
It is impossible to "begin anew" this quickly. His brain hasn't even processed all of this information.
 

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I don't want to rugsweep anything, but it isn't all up to me. I feel like complete garbage our anniversary is in less than 10 days. He made me think that we weren't going to make a big deal out of it. He just made reservations at a place we go to sort of often and told me not to make a big deal out of gifts. But he didn't really tell me what he was planning. While we're at the restaurant our friends and family are showing up at the house to surprise me when we get home for our 20th anniversary. There have been a lot of restrictions and bubbles and lockdowns and he knows I've been missing this type of social thing and he organized it as a gift. It couldn't be more perfect and I completely ruined it.

Oh, and I've been told that I am to act surprised and any tears are tears of joy. This isn't a debate, I can tell when he's serious. On top of that he had invited the guy from work who I had to uninvite. Once again I messed up everything.
The devil in me is thinking your H is setting you up. That this gathering will now be to inform all your friends about what you did, and that he will be divorcing you. A public embarrassment.

It would be an awesome plan, and a possible reason he is pretending to be okay.

It is not normal to be this unaffected by your terrible news. He's either 1) still in shock and processing it, 2) already having an affair of his own, so he's feeling some hidden relief, or 3) planning to hit you back.
 

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It is not normal to be this unaffected by your terrible news. He's either 1) still in shock and processing it, 2) already having an affair of his own, so he's feeling some hidden relief, or 3) planning to hit you back.
It is also possible that he had an inkling before he was told, and that this doesn't come as a big surprise.
It is possible that he suffers from self esteem issues that make him feel inadequate as a spouse.
Maybe he's an introvert who prefers to untangle things in his head.
Maybe he's banging her sister.

I could go on. We should probably stop being so sure of how others are expected act having never met either of the people in question.
 

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The devil in me is thinking your H is setting you up. That this gathering will now be to inform all your friends about what you did, and that he will be divorcing you. A public embarrassment.
The devil in me is thinking your H is setting you up. That this gathering will now be to inform all your friends about what you did, and that he will be divorcing you. A public embarrassment.

It is not normal to be this unaffected by your terrible news. He's either 1) still in shock and processing it, 2) already having an affair of his own, so he's feeling some hidden relief, or 3) planning to hit you back.
My exact thoughts. This party is a terrible idea. Even he’s not planning to reveal at the party he will break down and crack at some point during the night.

I’m actually very pro marriage and I’m rooting for you guys. I believe in the grace of true remorse and forgiveness. But this party is just an awful plan. It will be miserable for both of you.
 

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I sincerely hope that you have made it a point to your husband that you are in a no-contact forever situation with your AP. I also hope that you or your husband notify your AP's wife or significant other if there is one, regarding what you and your AP did. She has an absolute right to know. If your husband agrees to allow you to work at the same location, I suggest that you thank him, but as an act of good faith, you put in for some sort of transfer that will provide significant geographical distance between the two of you. Working in adjacent buildings is not good enough. You must make it clear to your husband that you will never, ever see, talk to, or correspond with your AP ever again. The thought of him should make you sick at this point. He was complicit in this affair and is a true dog. He is no friend and the quicker you understand how horrible this person is, the quicker you can move on. Feeling bad for what you did is not good enough. You have concrete steps you can take to help your husband heal. Do not take his forgiveness as a pass to resume life as usual. Your AP must be totally removed from your life and his significant other must be told. I've said enough. I've been through what your husband is now experiencing. It's simply horrible. You sound like someone who has the capacity to be remorseful. You are not there yet. My ex-wife never reached close to that point. We divorced six horrible years later. It's all up to you, now.

One more point. I can't imagine having a 20th-anniversary party now. You should simply cancel it and blame it on Covid-19. Don't put your husband through this regardless of what he says. The whole celebration is just so hollow now.
 

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The devil in me is thinking your H is setting you up. That this gathering will now be to inform all your friends about what you did, and that he will be divorcing you. A public embarrassment.
I was thinking the exact same thing. Playing coy until he unleashes an incredible embarrassment for all to see.

Its hard to tell what is behind it, but I stick by my thought that something about his reaction to all this is off.
 

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How F'd is it that your husband (out of fear of what family and friends would think of you and trying to protect you) is going through and having the anniversary party.

Something that should have been a happy and joyous occasion for him (and a huge milestone) is now soiled and tainted by your deceit and lies and betrayal.

In trying to protect you he's going to have to put his fake @$$ happy face on and pretend that everything is fantastic and do what you're great at doing with people you're supposed to love and that's lie.

A consequence HE'S having to suffer instead of you for crying out loud. If he cancels the party then everyone wonders what's going on?? And he has to LIE AGAIN!!

If you're understanding what remorse is this should be about your husband and what's in his best interest and not putting him in a situation where he has to eat the $h!t sandwich that you've purposely served him (and don't say you didn't because if you didn't you would not of had an affair).

Instead of him trying to protect you why don't you take it upon yourself to protect him?? Why not cancel the party and tell your family the truth? More than likely you won't do this because there would be consequences to bare and again your husband is trying to protect you from these consequences where again it should be you protecting him.

Just like quitting your job so that your husband doesn't have to go through daily torture wondering what the two of you are up to and all the mental anguish that will bombard every fiber of his being.

But you won't do this either which ultimately shows that you talk about being remorseful but your actions moving forward will show it's really all about you. Yes I get it, your husband will try to convince you not to do any of this because he thinks he's protecting you but again who needs to be protecting who?

Just my two cents and you can ignore this or get defensive but you came here for help. You've taken the first step telling him which took a great deal of courage. How much further are you willing to go because right now it appears your husband is going to rug sweep this and is willing to suffer in silence.

Is this really how you want this to play out?

You say you love him? You're the one that stabbed him in the heart, he's bleeding, are you willing to do everything you can to help him or was confessing to him just a small way of relinquishing some of the guilt you felt?

Your actions or NON action will show if you truly get it or not and understand what remorse is really all about.
 

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Of course he asked, that was his first question and I told him. I'm not hiding things. He told me he was invited and that I have to univite him.
What did your loverboy say when you called to uninvite him? Did you tell him your husband knew about you two lovebirds?

Your husband must have nerves of steel to continue the charade with the anniversary party. Telling you to pretend any tears were happiness. Is he planning to keep this just a secret between you two? Not even the kids or relatives will know? In his shoes, would have just cancelled the whole thing, called everyone n tell them couldn't risk a Covid super spreader event. ( which with delta rampant is not a lie )

Sounds like he is a different sort than most men.
 

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Wow @sideways , that is true. He has to hide his shame and put on his happily married face all while bleeding out from his wife’s betrayal. He even invited that POS. Talk about a mind frak.

@PurpleRoses , I don’t know if it’s writing style that makes hard for you to express your regret let alone remorse but it’s almost like you’re bothered by having to be accountable to your husband. We here on TAM have read threads like yours hundreds of times and have members that have been in your husbands shoes, and some that have been in your shoes too. This board can be a help if you drop your defensiveness and ask for guidance.

No one on this boards knows you in real life so any 2x4s you receive are to wake you up because we sense a lack of empathy for your husband not because we are a bunch bitter betrayed spouses. You can learn a lot in this board and if you sincerely stick it out, after a while, you will have members not only offering advise, they will offer emotional support, which I imagine you will need to get through this.
 

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You said in one of your first posts “a few other people know, but they wouldn’t say anything.”

those people aren’t friends of your marriage.

are any of those people also invited to your house for the surprise party for YOU?

if so, it’d be in your best interest to let your husband know who are the people that are totally cool with keeping your affair secrets.
 

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The devil in me is thinking your H is setting you up. That this gathering will now be to inform all your friends about what you did, and that he will be divorcing you. A public embarrassment.

It would be an awesome plan, and a possible reason he is pretending to be okay.

It is not normal to be this unaffected by your terrible news. He's either 1) still in shock and processing it, 2) already having an affair of his own, so he's feeling some hidden relief, or 3) planning to hit you back.
I'd certainly keep my radar up for something like this if I were you.

You haven't provided a ton of information, so it's left room for a lot of speculation. That said, I'm sure you a have a far better read on the situation than any of us here. Just read through and hopefully you'll find some nuggets of information that will be of use to you.

Good luck.
 

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FYI, I caught my wife in an emotional affair a couple of weeks before a huge birthday bash she was throwing for me. And the AP was invited.

I wanted to cancel the party. In fact, I was already here at TAM, and posed the question there. Probably 2/3 of the people said I should go through with it. And I did, and I'm glad I did (AP was disinvited by my wife). But that was a birthday party just for me....not some celebration of our marriage. Had that been the case, there is no way in hell I would have gone through with it.
 

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PurpleRoses, you will get exactly what you deserve.
Perhaps you will have a shell of a husband going through the motions in life, rugsweeping and choking down a bit more of his sh!t sandwich with each new day.
Or perhaps he will come to understand that it had nothing to do with him, and the affair was not a mistake at all. It was who you are, your choices, 1000s of them, that led you to freely give yourself to another man, willingly. Your husband may be done with you.
No lies or omissions. Write and offer your husband with a excruciatingly detailed timeline. Any thing you keep from him is denying him his agency. Dates, times, places ... thoughts, feelings, and actions. All of it. Be prepared to read it aloud to him.
If you have it in you to do these things then you have the capacity to meet your husband where he is right now. Almost.
He is in absolute and utter hell.
 
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