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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I decided that I need to tell my husband about something that happened. I'm not even sure to begin, but one thing I'm really just not sure about. Can I ask him to forgive me? Or do I just tell him and let him express his feelings?

Part of me feels like asking him will pressure him to saying certain things, but if I don't ask he may think that I don't even want him to forgive me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well for context, I don't mean this as an excuse, but since the pandemic I've been working from home and for a number of reasons it has been stressful. A while back I got the ok to go to the office once a week, around the same time a friend of mine started coming in that day too. We started going for coffee and talking, there isn't even anyone else there. Also we talked on the instant message thing. I don't know, I started looking forward to seeing him on the office day. And I've been to his apartment too.

A few people know, but they would never say anything.
 

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You realize you are playing with fire, and don’t be so innocent to think for one second that you going to his apartment was cool......the bigger question is why are you doing this? Would you be okay for your husband to do the same? I would guess not so why is it okay for you to do this?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I never said I think it's ok. I'm not proud of what I've done. There is nothing that justifies it. I can't sleep and I have really bad anxiety. I would be horrified if it were reversed.
 

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A while back I got the ok to go to the office once a week, around the same time a friend of mine started coming in that day too. We started going for coffee and talking, there isn't even anyone else there. Also we talked on the instant message thing. I don't know, I started looking forward to seeing him on the office day.
This is still vague.

You went for coffee together and started building an emotional connection/ romantic feelings.
This is an inappropriate relationship that needs to end immediately, but hardly something that needs to end a marriage.
IF that’s as far as it went, I’d probably say nothing and learn from the experience to maintain better control/discipline over the situations you put yourself in.

But then there’s this...
And I've been to his apartment too.

A few people know, but they would never say anything.
this is a way bigger deal. What happened at his apartment and how far did this go?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
This is still vague.

You went for coffee together and started building an emotional connection/ romantic feelings.
This is an inappropriate relationship that needs to end immediately, but hardly something that needs to end a marriage.
IF that’s as far as it went, I’d probably say nothing and learn from the experience to maintain better control/discipline over the situations you put yourself in.

But then there’s this...

this is a way bigger deal. What happened at his apartment and how far did this go?
It involves the F word.
 

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So you cheated on him and are feeling guilty, and you want to tell him?
YES tell him. You need to understand that HE has every reason to NOT forgive you. That is entirely up to him, even if you beg him for it. You should give him the ability to decide what he wants to do with his life.

You need to write out the timeline and give it to him. YOU have to do the work to earn reconciliation, NOT him.
Have you started IC to figure out WHY you let this happen?
Oh yeah, he is well within his rights to ask you to quit your job, and he will want you to cut off ALL communication with this "friend".
If HE has a wife, you should be honest and tell her also.
 

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It involves the F word.
So full-blown physical affair and emotional + sexual betrayal.

No, don’t ask him to forgive you, you don’t have the right.
Just tell him what you did, EVERYTHING, and let him make his decisions and do what he needs to do.
But if you do view it as a terrible mistake, and if you do desperately want to try to save your marriage - tell him that, and be prepared to crawl over broken glass, and do whatever he needs, for as long as he needs, IF he gives you that opportunity.
 

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So @PurpleRoses it took 4 post to get it out but you actually have had both an emotional and physical affair with a co-worker? As the above poster correctly stated you don't have that right.

A few questions to give better advice: Was the physical only the one time at his apartment? Has the been other physical contact at like the office if its only the two of you there? (ex.kissing, oral, touching, etc) How long have you been married? Any kids? Is this your first extra-martial affair? How long has the affair gone on? Finally, have you stopped the affair or are you still communicating with the AP?

Just tell him what you did, EVERYTHING, and let him make his decisions and do what he needs to do.
But if you do view it as a terrible mistake, and if you do desperately want to try to save your marriage - tell him that, and be prepared to crawl over broken glass, and do whatever he needs, for as long as he needs, IF he gives you that opportunity.
Don't leave anything out be willing to do IC, NC letter, change jobs, full access to your communication, and whatever he needs (timeline, details, etc.) Finally, you said some people know you need to come clean before he hears it from someone else. Best of luck!
 

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This is the worst advise there can be. Only the selfish or the pathologically insane would do this. This is Geoffrey Dharma level of psychopathy.
In fairness, that advice was given early on in the thread, when OP was being vague and it sounded like it might have just been an inappropriate situation that might not have crossed major lines yet.
 

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In fairness, that advice was given early on in the thread, when OP was being vague and it sounded like it might have just been an inappropriate situation that might not have crossed major lines yet.
Who didn't see where this was heading? There is nothing special about this particular adulteress. Same story, different date. No one was surprised that she slept with the co-worker. I would have been surprised if she didn't.

But point taken.
 

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So you’re getting a bit of anger here, but keep coming back so we can help.

You’ve done it, it’s done, you’re anxious and not in a good place. You’re looking forward to seeing this person, you’re issues are bigger now. Do you want more with this other person? And also, again, really think about why you want to come clean? Do you want a divorce, do you want to keep seeing the other guy? Not sure if you’ve answered but do you love your husband?
 

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This is the worst advise there can be. Only the selfish or the pathologically insane would do this. This is Geoffrey Dharma level of psychopathy.
Confrontation is wrong, accept what happens as part of life, and move on.
Only tell other people what they want to hear.
 
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