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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If you partner comes to you and talks to you about how they felt about something that you said, do you consider it drama?

Are emotions drama?
 

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Depending on your approach..I mean assuming you aren't completely irrational..I would call it "communicating your feelings in a direct and honest manner".

But if you are married to a conflict avoider that prefers for every "negative" emotion to be burried and swept under the rug those types view any relating of hurt feelings as "drama".(and I'm of course assuming you are referring to a negative feeling not discussing /relaying how deliriously happy your spouse made you feel.
 

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Oh and I will add..its very damaging in the long run to have your feelings dismissed and mocked and critisized as "drama" if its the running theme.There is no better understanding or learning going on between the 2 for one.And secondly but no less damaging is you never get closure so those feelings not understood validated just get stacked up over the years and what were mole hills that could have been resolved become a collective mountain.They may continue to spill out and then are rejected again as "holding a grudge" or "never getting over it" or keeping a list of wrongs.Which further antagonizes you .Eventually you have just an overall feeling of hurt/ negativity /resentment but you can't put your finger on any "one thing" that caused you to feel this way.Then the next step (for the conflict avoider) usually is to accuse you of "always being angry".Its also common in my experience for them to issue sometimes a shallow apology just to get you to shut up.And you know this then the accsusation is another cut down/critisism to "add" to the list of hurts that "sorry isn't good enough for you".
 

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If you partner comes to you and talks to you about how they felt about something that you said, do you consider it drama?

Are emotions drama?
Absolutely NOT... how we respond to their bringing this to our attention....this is where the Drama... if any....begins.

I want my husband to bring his feelings to me... if I hurt him with my quick tongue ...I would be upset if he stuffed that & allowed a seed of resentment to spring. That is far worse...

I am very quick to realize this generally & make amends before he has to say anything though.

And me, well, I've never held back and I can't say we have a drama filled relationship ...at all. Couples need to be "self aware" enough to OWN their own shortcomings before the other...when they know they went "too far" in a moment...

And if /when the other comes to them Hurt, shaken, saddened (for whatever reason)...Take a step back...Listen to them....HEAR where the other is coming from.

Without this, Genuine "Problem solving" communication is stunted.

 

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Exactly the problem solving is HALTED when one is left to solve it on their own which is impossible .Sure pick your battles.But if the norm is you will will be dismissed and stonewalled(stonewalling is a refusal to be a part of conflict resolution leaving the other one basically "stuck" )You are left ALONE and charged with just "get over it".The problems are not only never solved they turn into a giant mass of negative emotions festering.Eventually leading to a relational death sentence "Contemp".
 

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Drama is what happens when someone's reactions are far out of propotion to what they're complaining about. Instead of "You didn't pick up our child from school because you wanted to do something that I thought wasn't a good reason" turns into a four hour discussion = drama.
 

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Drama is what happens when someone's reactions are far out of propotion to what they're complaining about. Instead of "You didn't pick up our child from school because you wanted to do something that I thought wasn't a good reason" turns into a four hour discussion = drama.
That can be the case I agree.Like "over done" ..Having said that if the simple statement of "you didn't pick up our child from school because you wanted to do something I thought wasn't a good reason " is met with "you always have something to complain about" and sarcastic "sorry I'm not perfect like you ".That also can turn it INTO a 4 hour conversation that in the end has nothing to even do with your original expression of dissapointment.With the original party of the complaint being critisized /dismissed and dragged through the mud with a dozen more hurts and dissapointments to "get over".
 

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I don't think emotions = drama. Like others said, if it drags out, then it can, at least, BORDER on drama. But overall? Not at all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Oh and I will add..its very damaging in the long run to have your feelings dismissed and mocked and critisized as "drama" if its the running theme.There is no better understanding or learning going on between the 2 for one.And secondly but no less damaging is you never get closure so those feelings not understood validated just get stacked up over the years and what were mole hills that could have been resolved become a collective mountain.They may continue to spill out and then are rejected again as "holding a grudge" or "never getting over it" or keeping a list of wrongs.Which further antagonizes you .Eventually you have just an overall feeling of hurt/ negativity /resentment but you can't put your finger on any "one thing" that caused you to feel this way.Then the next step (for the conflict avoider) usually is to accuse you of "always being angry".Its also common in my experience for them to issue sometimes a shallow apology just to get you to shut up.And you know this then the accsusation is another cut down/critisism to "add" to the list of hurts that "sorry isn't good enough for you".
Dallasapple, this is spot on to what is going on. It hurts so deep when I just say to him that something felt like a put down. It does go into a 4 hour argument, but not because that is what I want, but because he is avoiding the conversation. ANY negative emotions cannot be discussed with him. UGH!

Thank you for all of your replies everyone! I appreciate them very much!
 

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If someone said your emotions are drama it's because they truly don't give a crap about how you feel and aren't in tune with their own feelings.

This is just my experience with emotionally unavailable people.
 

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Dallasapple, this is spot on to what is going on. It hurts so deep when I just say to him that something felt like a put down. It does go into a 4 hour argument, but not because that is what I want, but because he is avoiding the conversation. ANY negative emotions cannot be discussed with him. UGH!

Thank you for all of your replies everyone! I appreciate them very much!
Well then you are dealing with whats called a "conflict avoider" it sounds like a good thing but its NOT.We WILL have conflict its "unavoidable' and we have to "hash it out' .Denying it doesnt make it "go away"..This type also includes "stonewalling" after the "4 hour" crazy cycle (bringing up a mole hill that they go in circles trying to dodge) then you get the silent treatment?Thats the time they refuse to "discuss it any further"..your frustrated to the point you feel like you want to explode..while they act like you basically dont exist unless its to talk about "whats for dinner" KNOWING you are still upset.Until eventually you get so exhuasted from the silence and by then anger.. you smush it down .They believe they "won the standoff" you finally "got over it" like you should have in the first place and YOU made a "big deal out of nothing".Rinse and repeat.
 

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Whoa. That just summed up the last 6 months of my marriage. LOL dang.
 

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If someone said your emotions are drama it's because they truly don't give a crap about how you feel and aren't in tune with their own feelings.

This is just my experience with emotionally unavailable people.
And even that.They will DENY they don't give a crap about your feelings.And then say "they just dont get bothered over things like that ..you are just "more sensitive" than them..(too sensitive).They don't "like to argue" ..so they let things "roll off" their shoulders..i.e ..You are too sensitive..they are more balanced ...you like to argue...the enjoy peace and harmony.
 

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Whoa. That just summed up the last 6 months of my marriage. LOL dang.
Lets just say I've "been around the block".Took me 20+ years to figure out what I just described and what you "call it' and that I'm NOT bat **** crazy (not in that way at least) unless I was DRIVEN to it by covert aggression /avoidance/being told I'm "too sensitive" /dismsissed in a way he was "rational one" critisisims disguised as "helping me" "jokes" that no one was laughing but him also made me have "no sense of humor" etc..

These people I don't think also can "see" how they are.My guy plainly states hes "a simple man with simple needs" ..I'm "complex".Me...the direct one.the one that is honest with myself..the one that hates secretiveness and "pretending' that wants to face an issue ..that hates games is the "complex one"..
 

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My fog was thick when I didn't see things for what they are/were in my marriage. Love is blind, I guess. But now...dang...it's nice to have emotions again and to NOT feel bad about having them and to be able to hash it out with someone without fear they are going to leave or walk away. Or laugh! :eek:

OP, if you feel invalidated or disrespected or put down, then you are. I don't know what to tell you because i've been there myself and didn't truly SEE it.
 

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Its like if somebody backs into you and steps on your foot..You yell OOUGH!!! Then they say ..you were standing too close behind them.They didn't "mean to" step on your foot.That wouldn't have hurt them ...your too sensitive and you should't yell like that you big baby.But "sorry you can't handle a little pain" Next time I'll be sure to walk on eggshells.
 

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Ah. Yes. The eggshells.

But...I should have known how emotionally dead he was when I experienced 2 deaths in my family over 3 years and didn't even get an "I'm sorry" or a hug from him. Yea.

Sorry OP for jacking your thread! I'm done. :)
 
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My fog was thick when I didn't see things for what they are/were in my marriage. Love is blind, I guess. But now...dang...it's nice to have emotions again and to NOT feel bad about having them and to be able to hash it out with someone without fear they are going to leave or walk away. Or laugh! :eek:

OP, if you feel invalidated or disrespected or put down, then you are. I don't know what to tell you because i've been there myself and didn't truly SEE it.
Its hard to "identify" because its more "subtle" and you start to doubt your self and wonder if they are right.And it WILL drive you crazy if you don't know the "game" .So then you may BECOME hypersensitive..suspicious...feel guilty..develop low self esteem etc..
 

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Whats really funny?(in a "gotcha") kind of way..my husband used to BOAST that he "likes to avoid conflict" so he KNEW that about himself and counted it as an attribute he had..and further in comparison to me who on the other hand he deemed "enjoys arguing".."likes to argue" and "looks for conflict" while he "likes to get along" (fill in 5o variations of ME having the dysyfunction)..Now that its fairly pshychology 101 that puts HIM in the hot seat for going about LIVING realistically with a SO for 100 years ?That avoiding conflict at ALL cost is a marriage killer?Now he denies he avoids it and does the ole.."I've been available to you "..I have "talked with you for hours"..His now refusal to acknowledge that his professed "gift" CAUSES a deepening of conflict and additional conflict is par for the course.

These types have some sort of DEEP fear and insecurity of being "wrong".Or being viewed as "bad".
 

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YES it is rude and hurtful to label someone who has feelings as being dramatic, oversensitive, or any other terms that are used to belittle someones emotions. If you study emotional abuse, that is commonly the a way an abuser regains control and changes the topic. It also makes the victim feel bad and question her/himself.

However it's not always abuse when that happens. Often it's men or women that get frustrated at the emotions represented and so they lash back in that way. Only when it's methodical is it true abuse.

Feelings are NOT debatable. This is something difficult for some people to understand. Feelings are real, and happened to that person, whether for logical or illogical reason, and you cannot argue them away. They must be dealt with in a respectable caring manner from their partner.

Stand strong to your feelings. You are okay to feel them.
 
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