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1) I have been in contact with her very little.
2) She has put me in limbo. I want some answers.
3) I need answers to yes I am with someone else
4) I am sure many have different opinions but this is what I want.
1). No contact will help you more than contacting her!
2). SHE has NOT put you in limbo. YOU put YOURSELF in limbo. Stop being her victim.
Stop being in limbo - move forward knowing it is OVER!
3). You have answers. Know that. It’s over.
4). We don’t always get what we want. You have the info you need. She isn’t focused on YOU anymore and that tells you everything.
She is done. It’s over. Move forward knowing you don’t need more info.

Whatever info you want - that info will hurt you even more. So let it go.
 

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When I first asked her I think it caught her off guard. She admitted it. A day or so later she texted me "I did nothing wrong, your accusations are further dividing us" to which I replied "you admitted it, twice" She's taking a hard line stance that she didn't and she did say some lie detector non-sense BEFORE I asked to see her phone which she said no that would break your heart.

I have been in contact with her very little. Almost none for a week, but some recent texts that she has just been unreasonable about. She's clearly with another guy but doesn't want it to come out until it looks respectable for her she is buying time, putting me off as much as possible so when she spills the beans, "it just happened" we have been broken up... pretty easy to see but not easy to live with. She has put me in limbo. I want some answers. I don't need answers about "did you ****" or whatever. She is an adult I am sure she's not playing monopoly. I need answers to yes I am with someone else and yes this is over FROM her. I want to hear it, right or wrong. I am sure many have different opinions but this is what I want.
There is no closure on this. Even if she were completely truthful with you, you still would not have every answer you desire.
 

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father of 4 (54). Got divorced in 2009 after my wife had an affair, and she wasn't in a place to try to work on anything. Her head was somewhere else. I got custody of my 4 kids, and raised them. 2 were 6, and the other two 11 and 12. Shortly after I met, or connected with a high school alum two years younger than me. I didn't know her, but I fell in love with her very slowly and cautiously. I know what people are going to say already- boy are you stupid- but here goes. She had told me that she had dated her husband through all of high school and college, never partied and was the valedictorian. All true. She then told me in a round about convoluted way that she got divorced because her husband worked too much, and didn't have any time for her....The truth came out in pieces...She had gone away to a family reunion(his side) and her husband got drunk and went to bed early. She hung out with his cousins etc...no mention of what went on. Next day someone has to drive a cousin to the airport, and she gets elected. Husband too hung over. They drive, Have conversation, etc, and "a hug goodbye was not just a hug" She felt something. (I already feel so finG stupid). She continues a phone relationship with him, her husband taps the phones and hears a lot of sex talk etc and they divorce. SHE ENDS UP dating him, him living in her house for 10 plus years with her 2 little kids a mile from her ex. Horrid story, unless you met her. So sweet, so kind, compassionate, honest...well, maybe not.

I took it very slow. I had been through an ugly divorce. Very ugly, and she both helped me and watched my ex abuse everyone. We vowed to be faithful, but not marry. I gave her a ring, as a promise to stay together. forever She fell in love quickly. We had a great relationship for 5 years. I had dated a lot, been married etc, and when I say this relationship was the best I mean by a MILE. Many miles. after 5 years, She took a new job and worked over 100 hours some weeks, traveling up to 5 days a week, and the relationship cooled, but it was still great and I knew I could always count on her. She was supposed to move in permanently but never did. Always an excuse, when this one goes to school, when that one goes, etc. She did stay over a lot, but this always bothered me. Never sold her house, changed her address, license, mail, etc. Did not "move in". Although she claims she did.

My kids adored her, but my oldest girl started to get jealous and try to get her in trouble with me constantly. SO also seemed to have issues of jealousy toward my oldest daughter as well. There was always a rub. It grew into a huge problem so when my daughter graduated college and moved home, SO left and went to her beach house an hour and a half away. recipe for disaster. I knew it, and I predicted it. she worked a lot and i visited when i could. She rarely came home. We have been together almost 12 years now, and with the twins going off to college this past september, I believed it was OUR Time! Finally. I asked her to go away for her birthday in sept, she didn't want to. I thought that was very weird. She has been starting fights constantly for a few months at least, about nothing, and acting different. less intimate, hugging, etc...I had a scheduled trip to go on this late Oct/early Nov., and what do you know, she started a GIANT fight right before I left. GIANT, about Nothing. For no reason and about the past and decisions we made together she now resents, and she went to the meanest places she's ever gone(my ex). I was floored. She's never been a yeller but has developed this 'Im going to say the meanest sh** I can when I'm upset to get you mad. She even said "you want out of this relationship but don't have the balls to do it" I don't. I LOVE her to the ends of the earth. That has Never changed. While I was gone all i could think about was her. I sent her messages but she never replied. She sent me an email(weird) "I need to get coats from your house". She also texted my son, my best friend's wife, my mom and another friend "when is he coming back" but never asked me. I didn't know any of this, but had a serious gut instinct kick in when I was away and immediately came home. I f I'm being honest I had some signs over the past few months and they all started eating at me. I drove from Iowa to RI, to her house and she said this relationship has to end. I was pretty surprised but also not based on the recent crazy arguments we had had. I said I respect that, but I came here to look you in the eye and ask is there another guy. Her reply "yes but not on that level", then she started spewing a bunch of stuff about "meeting a lot of people guys and girls' and nothing physical, "get a lie detector test". I said no need for that, just go get me your phone. Her reply "Im not going to do that it would break your heart" We talked for a couple hours, she screamed and yelled and deflected from the elephant in the room as much as she could. I stayed calm and when about to leave I said, its been 11 1/2 years, I think you owe me the truth about the guy. she stared into space, her eyes welled up with tears and she said "i don't want this to be my legacy" and stopped. I said like because you did this before? She acted confused and started talking about a ton of other rubbish I redirected her and she pretended to not remember even saying it. It had been one minute. She asked me to leave, and I did. A day or so later she sent me a text "I did nothing wrong and I am tired of your insinuations, they are further dividing us". I said you admitted it. She is disagreeing. She did. 100% I have been sick for weeks. I couldn't sleep or eat while I was away, I have lost 19 pounds, had cardiac irregularities, can't sleep..shaking from anxiety...just really sick. I trusted her to the ends of the earth. She won't call, text, or reply. when there has been any communication she Is trying to say I made this mistake or that(and I made some mistakes but not infidelity or stuff like that) for many years and she's angry with me. Also says I am trying to make this about a guy, and it isn't -it is about how much I suck I guess, or what I chose to do for the kids in 2015 or something Don't get me wrong, I have admitted and apologized for my mistakes, lack of judgment, anger, immature handling of situations etc. I am human- and I thought we were in Love.. Funny she just wrote me a long email about "what a great man you are" a few months ago...She says she Needs time to sort it out....with her own therapist, and she isn't communicating with me but suddenly is reaching out to my kids and mom........THOUGHTS TBH, I am heartbroken, truly heartbroken. I trusted her, and I still love her, and I wanted our future together- to the end. I can't imagine this is just how abruptly our story just ends. Way too much good and way too many years of raising kids together, trips all over the place, vacations, and the best intimacy I have ever experienced. Im sick
She has shown you who she is. Believe her. Cut your losses and focus on your children.

Do not waste further time communicating with her save for the topics of divorce or childcare. If she will not stay focused on these two topics then end the conversation. Otherwise you will accomplish nothing. She will not want you to move on.

You will find closure within. It requires time, distance and no contact with your betrayer. If you attempt to seek closure from her she will deny it to you. It will be a game. She will dangle it in front of you only to pull it away. Closure means you can move on and leave her behind. She will not allow this.
 

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Fortunately, they are not married and have no kids together. That woman was driving a wedge between him and one of his kids. Now, the relationship with his daughter can be repaired.
Maybe his daughter can repair her relationships with her siblings who she also alienated. Daughter is not a victim.
 

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Discussion Starter · #128 ·
You won't get anything more from her but disrespect and stonewalling. Expose what you know to family and friends and show them the evidence you have if you need to. Then go dark on her. Full 180.
I told her today was D day a week or so ago. She has messed with me at every opportunity since I found out. She surprised me on Thanksgiving. I had a bad(emotional) am and had just gotten my act together came downstairs to hang with my kids. Phone rings and its her. Mind you she told my twins "its dad's choice this year if we are coming over for thanksgiving, and they answered great see you Thursday. I didn't know about that and when I found out I texted her to see if she was coming. She went off on me some shi* about "I have been clear for the better part of two months we will not be coming to thanksgiving" Really? The better part of two months pus us at a time we were doing perfectly fine, and who is thinking about thanksgiving in September? whatever, she is constantly making up false timelines. I sent her a copy of the text to my girls. She just went off and the conversation ended...So I'm sitting alone on Thanksgiving am, the phone rings, its her. Wish I could say I didn't want totally to her but the way she ghosted me 11/7 has had me all F'd up for weeks. I answered and she said can I come over for a few minutes. I said yes. She showed up, handed me a plant, and hugged me like I was going to die tomorrow. I hugged her back, it felt good. I miss her. She said she wanted to talk so I said come upstairs into the bedroom where its private. We sat on the floor. She said I was supposed to come here today to tell you I don't love you and its over, I can't do that. She said she loves me. It felt good to hear, she was emotional, and I haven't been able to turn off my feelings so we talked for about 20 minutes. She said she is "dating" this guy I had pegged for months, acting like it is fresh out of the laundry. She said she kissed him but (made bad face) and said i just knew it wasn't romantic. Mind you I didn't believe a fing word of that. She left, kept my ring, and the whole thing bothered me all day. I felt played. I reached out to her late that evening and said I want to talk. She didn't want to. She called me the next am and was like a different person. Mean as a snake, vile, yelling, just awful. Hung up on me, and made my decision about everything much easier. I composed a lengthy email to her and the guy, set some things straight, polite, abrupt, pointed, hit send then blocked her on all platforms I can think of. I feel a great sense of relief, and I am 100% sure she will regret the impulsive stupidity of what she has done, the relationships she has ruined, it will just take some time. I read a bit on mid-life crises for women. Looks like she fits all the criteria. Good luck to the golden boy, they only last 2-5 years of *****iness, unpredictability, low sex drive...sounds like fun. Don't get me wrong here, I still spontaneously cry out of sheer frustration for having worked so hard to get through raising kids, thinking I had a perfect companion, only to be completely blindsided on the goal line. Will take a long long time for me to trust someone with my heart again- I'd be willing to bet Never. Sad but true.
 

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I told her today was D day a week or so ago. She has messed with me at every opportunity since I found out. She surprised me on Thanksgiving. I had a bad(emotional) am and had just gotten my act together came downstairs to hang with my kids. Phone rings and its her. Mind you she told my twins "its dad's choice this year if we are coming over for thanksgiving, and they answered great see you Thursday. I didn't know about that and when I found out I texted her to see if she was coming. She went off on me some shi* about "I have been clear for the better part of two months we will not be coming to thanksgiving" Really? The better part of two months pus us at a time we were doing perfectly fine, and who is thinking about thanksgiving in September? whatever, she is constantly making up false timelines. I sent her a copy of the text to my girls. She just went off and the conversation ended...So I'm sitting alone on Thanksgiving am, the phone rings, its her. Wish I could say I didn't want totally to her but the way she ghosted me 11/7 has had me all F'd up for weeks. I answered and she said can I come over for a few minutes. I said yes. She showed up, handed me a plant, and hugged me like I was going to die tomorrow. I hugged her back, it felt good. I miss her. She said she wanted to talk so I said come upstairs into the bedroom where its private. We sat on the floor. She said I was supposed to come here today to tell you I don't love you and its over, I can't do that. She said she loves me. It felt good to hear, she was emotional, and I haven't been able to turn off my feelings so we talked for about 20 minutes. She said she is "dating" this guy I had pegged for months, acting like it is fresh out of the laundry. She said she kissed him but (made bad face) and said i just knew it wasn't romantic. Mind you I didn't believe a fing word of that. She left, kept my ring, and the whole thing bothered me all day. I felt played. I reached out to her late that evening and said I want to talk. She didn't want to. She called me the next am and was like a different person. Mean as a snake, vile, yelling, just awful. Hung up on me, and made my decision about everything much easier. I composed a lengthy email to her and the guy, set some things straight, polite, abrupt, pointed, hit send then blocked her on all platforms I can think of. I feel a great sense of relief, and I am 100% sure she will regret the impulsive stupidity of what she has done, the relationships she has ruined, it will just take some time. I read a bit on mid-life crises for women. Looks like she fits all the criteria. Good luck to the golden boy, they only last 2-5 years of *****iness, unpredictability, low sex drive...sounds like fun. Don't get me wrong here, I still spontaneously cry out of sheer frustration for having worked so hard to get through raising kids, thinking I had a perfect companion, only to be completely blindsided on the goal line. Will take a long long time for me to trust someone with my heart again- I'd be willing to bet Never. Sad but true.
 

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This woman sounds insane. Stay the **** away from her.

And, relative to your daughter, the fact that some siblings were taken in by this woman and sided with her does not mean that your daughter had this woman pegged wrong. I hope you can see now that your daughter was right all along about her. The behavior you describe is straight out of the Cluster B playbook. You have a personality disordered woman on your hands. This woman alienated your daughter, as she knew your daughter was on to her.
 

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Comes over, makes sure you’re still on the hook to keep her ego boosted, takes off. Leaves you in stitches.
So when you unblock her, she does this crap again….. leaves you wondering which way is up or down……. Know Charlie Brown that you keep trying to kick her football.
Keep your dignity and stop giving it away to her. You miss her. Let it sink in, the kind of person you’re missing.
 

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I hope you are still reading these last few posts OP, they are some good advice.

She is well and truly under your skin and you need a total break from her to sort your head out.

She is the proverbial leopard with unchangeable spots and she is not happy with who she is so don't expect the truth from her any time soon. She is a cheater, you know it, act on that and sever contact, don't waste more time as all she is doing is trying to rewrite history so that it covers up who she is. Keeping you ****ed up helps her do that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #134 ·
Bud any contact resets the clock. You like a lot have to write a long letter. They both probably had a good laugh at you over it.
Her words don’t mean a thing. Mid life crisis is an excuse for her actions. Their is no excuse.
Stay zero contact or suffer more. No one can make you a chump but yourself.
They definitely did not have a god laugh over it I assure you that. It may not have had the impact I wanted it to but I said some things that had to be said. For me I could not move on with her fake narrative, fake timelines, and the fake **** she told him. I set some things straight, and there is no way he doesn't have a seed of doubt about what kind of ride he is in for if he takes the time to read it. He too has a lot to lose if he invests wrong, and I think given her repeated history, lies and deceit, he may be a little gun shy at this point. I don't care if they ride a white horse off into the sunset, I did this for me.

You are right about resetting the clock in a way, and I think no contact will eventually help me get moving in a positive direction. I never in my life thought I would be on this forum. Every day I walk around in complete disbelief. I trusted her so much.
 

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They definitely did not have a god laugh over it I assure you that. It may not have had the impact I wanted it to but I said some things that had to be said. For me I could not move on with her fake narrative, fake timelines, and the fake **** she told him. I set some things straight, and there is no way he doesn't have a seed of doubt about what kind of ride he is in for if he takes the time to read it. He too has a lot to lose if he invests wrong, and I think given her repeated history, lies and deceit, he may be a little gun shy at this point. I don't care if they ride a white horse off into the sunset, I did this for me.

You are right about resetting the clock in a way, and I think no contact will eventually help me get moving in a positive direction. I never in my life thought I would be on this forum. Every day I walk around in complete disbelief. I trusted her so much.
He doesn't matter, because once she's free, he will likely abandon her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #136 ·
This woman sounds insane. Stay the **** away from her.

And, relative to your daughter, the fact that some siblings were taken in by this woman and sided with her does not mean that your daughter had this woman pegged wrong. I hope you can see now that your daughter was right all along about her. The behavior you describe is straight out of the Cluster B playbook. You have a personality disordered woman on your hands. This woman alienated your daughter, as she knew your daughter was on to her.
So hard for me to wrap my head around. I saw no signs of any disorder and my ex was definitely BPD. My daughter may be as well, but I can see now from a different vantage point that there is clearly some validity. It doesn't change the fact that I am in shock, and my heart is so fing broken I don't know how to get through each day. I need an infidelity support group, medication, or both. I'm not in a good way and there is NO fix other than time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #137 ·
Comes over, makes sure you’re still on the hook to keep her ego boosted, takes off. Leaves you in stitches.
So when you unblock her, she does this crap again….. leaves you wondering which way is up or down……. Know Charlie Brown that you keep trying to kick her football.
Keep your dignity and stop giving it away to her. You miss her. Let it sink in, the kind of person you’re missing.
I am trying bud. And this forum has helped me SO much. People are so nice to take the time to give advice from a detached position, and many or most from going through something similar. I'm just broken. I have never cried like this in my life. I am 54, just left my last two kids at college, I'm all alone and had my future kind of figured out. Everything fell apart like a bomb hit, and I don't know which direction to even crawl in. I am pretty messed up. You can't just shut off love and deep emotion in one day, but I have been telling myself she is never going to be a part of my life again every single hour of the day. i am trying to picture the summer, in a new place, maybe even with a new woman, smiling again.

I blocked her on all accounts, and I will not unblock her. I haven't blocked then unblocked so far. Yesterday was a big day for me in moving forward. Today I tell my kids, with the exception of my son, who loves her maybe more than me. I don't want him to be mad at me and I believe that's the position he will take. The kid got slaughtered by his real mom, and I don't think he is mentally/emotionally capable of dealing with another similar situation. He just wants it to go away.

Thank you for your help
 
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