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She told me she cheated. End of story. I am trying to have a meeting with her to tell her what that did to me, whether she hears it or not is irrelevant. I need to do it to close the book and move on. I am still in the beginning stages and can't help but do some what if's but I agree that is weak. I will get stronger and be able to heal. Sorry if I offended you I thought your post about getting royally **** by another dude wasn't very nice but I get it. I was trying to make a point. Some people have open marriages. Some people have a lot of sex before marriage, some people cheat and they find a way to work through it eventually. I am not that guy, it would bother me forever, but I have wanted to hear stories of all sorts.
I was not offended at all. No need to apologize. The reason some of us write things more raw than others is because, here we have seem it all, and normally we can tell when an OP is not reacting to reasons as some other poster try to tell the OP in a more rational, easy way, that's when some of us go with the 4 X 4 not to offend the OP, but to try to shock him/her out of the fog in which they are due to their trauma.

I'm glad for you that you finally got your answer and now you can move on. We all saw it from the get go, you did too, but were so shocked that you didn't want to believe it.

I'm not you, but if I were you I would ghost her, gray rock her, period. I wouldn't feel the need to have a face to face in the end it only humiliates you more in front of her. Remember, nothing like gray rocking a woman to really get to her.

Best luck going forward.
 

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Ok, crushed. Get a grip.
First, I do not think the moderators was addressing you, but, rather the folks posting to you.

Second, buying all that stuff for her and offering to pay a salary differential is nuts, even if you are wealthy. Did it not dawn on you that if she wanted more time around you, you would not have to pay her anything to do so? 100 hours a week, strictly voluntary? If she wanted more time with you, she would have made it happen, even without the bribe. I mean the answer is obvious, she did not want time with you.

And, I would take that as a compliment knowing her character. I hate to keep repeating this, but think about it. SHE CHEATED WITH HER HUSBAND'S COUSIN. How is that lost on you? She put on a good act for 12 years( you are wealthy, after all).

So, when did her devoting all her time to work become acceptable to you? Do you really think she was just working all that time? You know she is dishonest. Remember, she gaslit you brazenly re meeting and he other guy. I mean right to your face, in therapy, right?

Next time around with someone else, vet better and never debase yourself by. Buying her all that stuff and offering cash for her time. There is a word for this: prostitution. Let this scrawny, 85lbs woman go. Must have been like curling up with a sack of antlers.
 

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I am sure every woman you have ever been with was a virgin. You're very lucky. Most have had a fair amount of sex if they are over 16 when you meet them. I'm Not sure I remember saying I want to get her back at all costs. I'm in a tough spot here trying to navigate it and concerned about my kids. She didn't admit ***ing another dude, and I didn't see it. I do believe wholeheartedly that she did. I want-ed her. And I wanted her forever. Our lives were pretty linked. I don't want her again unless she takes a lie detector test and wasn't doing what you've said, and what I believe. Tough road to navigate with emotions this high, and I'm doing the best I can. I will turn the switch to off fairly soon, and when I do it doesn't turn back. I was hoping to get some answers, and to tell her how I feel and walk away with what little self respect I have left. I think the best place for that is in a therapy place where A) she will feel comfortable B) she might be pressed by a counselor, and C) I can unload what I have to unload without her hanging up, driving away, or leaving, and be done. She needs to know what she did and how it impacts me and all of the rest of the people she claims she loves, including my kids, my mom, and her own kids. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I am absolutely not willing to just look the other way.
I get that you want answers about what is real - I do…but you likely won’t ever get answers.
I was with my exH for 27 years - I left him because I had evidence of his cheating… for the second time.
I knew I wouldn’t have him admit to anything - I knew what he was doing - but honestly if I hadn’t seen the mound of evidence I might have believed him when he tried lying about it.

Still now - 16 years after leaving him - he hasn’t admitted to anything - yet he did actually apologize (shocking) about 4 years ago out of the blue. It was an odd apology where it seemed like he regretted ruining our family - but he never admitted to anything he did. I had forgiven him ten years prior and reminded him it didn’t matter anymore…I was WAY past that. But of course, he was doing the apology for himself - not me. 🙄

So really, you get that closure from yourself. If you wait for her to make a move you will be waiting a long long time. Just move forward knowing you can’t change who she is.
 

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Got to agree. You will never get the truth or apology owning the specifics. May some blanket, generalized apology someday. That's about it.
Many of us were left only with our evidence, never an admission.

See, one of the things we do is attribute normal values and character to these folks. We tend to believe they are like we are and project how we would feel having cheated.

But, here is the Catch 22: A person capable of real remorse, real guilt such that she felt compelled to apologize and own the cheating, never would have been capable of cheating in the first place.

I liken it to what I would tell the victims of some of the criminal defendants I dealt with. These folks, the victims, had the notion that while my clients were incarcerated, their misdeeds would eat at them, really bother them.
I would tell them " No, you do not understand. This guy will spend his time just dying to get out, some can do it again. The fact that he was capable of doing this to begin with indicates no conscience. REMEMBER: Cousin, around her kids; 10 years. She is a sociopath.
 

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She told me she cheated. End of story. I am trying to have a meeting with her to tell her what that did to me, whether she hears it or not is irrelevant. I need to do it to close the book and move on. I am still in the beginning stages and can't help but do some what if's but I agree that is weak. I will get stronger and be able to heal. Sorry if I offended you I thought your post about getting royally **** by another dude wasn't very nice but I get it. I was trying to make a point. Some people have open marriages. Some people have a lot of sex before marriage, some people cheat and they find a way to work through it eventually. I am not that guy, it would bother me forever, but I have wanted to hear stories of all sorts.
Come on, man. Don’t go out like that.

If you want closure, send the texts I posted earlier (or something like them) and then drop and block her — immediately, everywhere, and permanently.
 
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Discussion Starter · #110 ·
Why did she admit to cheating? How much have you been in contact with her?
When I first asked her I think it caught her off guard. She admitted it. A day or so later she texted me "I did nothing wrong, your accusations are further dividing us" to which I replied "you admitted it, twice" She's taking a hard line stance that she didn't and she did say some lie detector non-sense BEFORE I asked to see her phone which she said no that would break your heart.

I have been in contact with her very little. Almost none for a week, but some recent texts that she has just been unreasonable about. She's clearly with another guy but doesn't want it to come out until it looks respectable for her she is buying time, putting me off as much as possible so when she spills the beans, "it just happened" we have been broken up... pretty easy to see but not easy to live with. She has put me in limbo. I want some answers. I don't need answers about "did you ****" or whatever. She is an adult I am sure she's not playing monopoly. I need answers to yes I am with someone else and yes this is over FROM her. I want to hear it, right or wrong. I am sure many have different opinions but this is what I want.
 

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I get some of this, and it makes sense. The loss here for me I think is this. I got Fd by my ex. My kids were little and I got custody. I met a girl that was from my hometown, who knew my friends and I knew hers. We raised our kids together like a machine, and I felt like at some point we EACH got ourselves back after our divorces and had a great life with a very "normal" loving relationship. She was a critical part of raising my kids and they did, and DO love her. I thought that was forever, and this break up is NOT just about me. If it was, it would be much more simple. I feel like my first marriage failed, and the kids suffered, greatly. I always told them if this relationship ends, "it will not end ugly" because we vowed no matter what it would not be cheating because of the pain we had each lived individually. It makes me sick to think the kids will have another loss at the hands of a selfish w. It's huge to me, and where most of my angst and sadness come from. I don't know what to tell them and Im afraid that she will lie to them. The video is not a fit for the complexities of my situation, but something to be learned from it going forward. Thx.
No offense, but the only thing complex about this situation is the mental gymnastics you’re using on yourself.
She’s just a run of the mill cheater that is doing all the classic things a cheater does.
You’re doing what countless men do which is wallow in self pity, over analyze a simple situation, and allow YOUR emotions to make this seem “complex”.
I’ve done it, I’ve been there.

The way to get past it is to move on and ghost her as much as you can. If you have an adult daughter that is screwing up her own life and is going to drag everyone around her down also, you have to deal with that logically rather than emotionally.

Stop allowing your ex to take up real estate in your mind by going no contact unless absolutely necessary and working on improving the parts of your life you have control over. Your cheating ex is not the end all, be all of women. She’s not even an average specimen. You’re floundering. Move on by building a new life by getting your mind occupied by the things YOU have always wanted to do. Bring single isn’t a death sentence. Don’t treat it that way.
 

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Exactly what pain did this woman live " individually "? She was banging her husband'cousin for 10 years.
Your pain from your ex-wife' s cheating, I understand. But vowing that if things end it would not be ugly or due to cheating because of the pain you had "both experienced individually"? No, she did not experience the kind of pain you did. In fact, she had inflicted that pain on her husband and is. Now,she is doing it again.

It is going to take a while, but down the road, with more distance and perspective, you will realize how for you are to be out. You know of two affairs. These are the tip of the iceberg, I would wager.
 

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I want some answers. I don't need answers about "did you ****" or whatever. She is an adult I am sure she's not playing monopoly. I need answers to yes I am with someone else and yes this is over FROM her. I want to hear it, right or wrong. I am sure many have different opinions but this is what I want.
Take control, dump her and ghost her!
Take your power and life back!
You're to old for this teenage scenarios!
You're to old to be weak and act like a sad poppy!
When your women becomes disloyal you kick them to the curb, lick your wounds and move on, that's what strong successful men do. Are you one?!
 

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She told me she cheated. End of story. I am trying to have a meeting with her to tell her what that did to me, whether she hears it or not is irrelevant. I need to do it to close the book and move on. I am still in the beginning stages and can't help but do some what if's but I agree that is weak. I will get stronger and be able to heal. Sorry if I offended you I thought your post about getting royally **** by another dude wasn't very nice but I get it. I was trying to make a point. Some people have open marriages. Some people have a lot of sex before marriage, some people cheat and they find a way to work through it eventually. I am not that guy, it would bother me forever, but I have wanted to hear stories of all sorts.
Bud, she doesn’t care. Talk in these situations won’t get you a thing. Closure comes from within. You’ll get nothing from her.
 

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When I first asked her I think it caught her off guard. She admitted it. A day or so later she texted me "I did nothing wrong, your accusations are further dividing us" to which I replied "you admitted it, twice" She's taking a hard line stance that she didn't and she did say some lie detector non-sense BEFORE I asked to see her phone which she said no that would break your heart.

I have been in contact with her very little. Almost none for a week, but some recent texts that she has just been unreasonable about. She's clearly with another guy but doesn't want it to come out until it looks respectable for her she is buying time, putting me off as much as possible so when she spills the beans, "it just happened" we have been broken up... pretty easy to see but not easy to live with. She has put me in limbo. I want some answers. I don't need answers about "did you ****" or whatever. She is an adult I am sure she's not playing monopoly. I need answers to yes I am with someone else and yes this is over FROM her. I want to hear it, right or wrong. I am sure many have different opinions but this is what I want.
Let her go my friend, just let her go. Don't contact her. Be done with her. That is what everyone here is telling you. Nothing is standing in the way of you doing this except your own fears of losing her and being alone -- no marriage, no kids. Face your fears, understand them and who knows? You may rediscover a sense of freedom that you lost when you became so much a slave to her affections.
 
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