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Really? You’d want just any woman in your home just so you aren’t alone?
You need help. That would be a terrible way to approach a chance to grow AND learn about yourself!
Start by learning to cook! Really learn how to be good at it! Clean the house and start working out. You need to take care of yourself and stop being so desperate for any woman that you’ll take a warm body!
Read co dependent no more by melody Beattie - you should never place someone in such high regard that you would harm yourself over them.
See a therapist - tell them you are depressed and need help becoming confident and self reliant.
No one should ever hold this much of YOUR power!
Get busy living! Take a vacation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #83 ·
Dude. A workaholic who won't make time for you, now won't even talk to you.

At this point she's a distant friend not a GF.

She's not living with you right? if you need to know what she's up to, hire a PI. This could allow you to fully move on if she's seeing other men. Right now you're in limbo-land.
Yes a work a colic, who I have asked to change her job. I even told her I'd pay her salary every year to Not work and she makes a lot of money. I just wanted US.

Limbo land is the most difficult place to live. Give me facts, give me reasons, give me anything concrete so I can move on. She is NOT living with me. Moved out 18 mom ago because my daughter was causing her so much anxiety that she was very sick)lost 30 pounds) I have never seen someone look so close to death and I a not exaggerating. She probably weighed 85 pounds and you could see every bone.

She hooked up with a 70 year old surgeon, who has the largest oceanfront estate in her RI community. She thinks I'm stupid, and she thinks everyone else is too. This relationship is not what she wants. She is a hometown girl, likes simplicity, getting her hands dirty, and doesn't like fake people. She's going to ****tail parties, hanging with rich snobs, and feels super important right now. It won't make her truly happy in the end. Makes me sick
 

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READCATED
You have most of this dead wrong. No disrespect, but you're filling in blanks with theory.

No one you know stands up for themselves more than I do. It is how I am wired. I don't tolerate BS from anyone.

I am not even a fan of TV or movies, never was. But there is something to religion and what you are taught about respect and truth that I believe more people should respect. She didn't, and yes it is here breaking, and yes I have cried like a woman and I'm not at all afraid to admit it. Men cry too. This wasn't an easy loss and not something I saw coming, like this anyways. So you don't need to read my posts, you don't need to make fun of me. I am in the lowest spot I've ever been in with no roadmap to navigate it. MOST of the people on here have shared thoughts and experiences that have shed light, and been helpful.

My daughter always came first. that changed when my daughter started causing problems with all of my other kids and those relationships started to get strained. My son moved out because of it, and my younger kids asked me to have her move out- but my GF had already hit the road.

Advice is appreciated, pretending you know everything I've done or been through and criticizing is unnecessary, and inaccurate
 

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Discussion Starter · #85 ·
Really? You’d want just any woman in your home just so you aren’t alone?
You need help. That would be a terrible way to approach a chance to grow AND learn about yourself!
Start by learning to cook! Really learn how to be good at it! Clean the house and start working out. You need to take care of yourself and stop being so desperate for any woman that you’ll take a warm body!
Read co dependent no more by melody Beattie - you should never place someone in such high regard that you would harm yourself over them.
See a therapist - tell them you are depressed and need help becoming confident and self reliant.
No one should ever hold this much of YOUR power!
Get busy living! Take a vacation.
I have no idea what you're talking about, "any woman". I never said I want ANY woman. I don't want anyone right now. i have always been fine living alone. This time period of my life is different because my two youngest just left for college and my GF left soon after unexpectedly. It left me unexpectedly alone, and in a rough spot. One know I can get through eventually. I think most would feel some sense of WTF. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, am totally self reliant and just started looking for jobs and volunteer work(I am retired), and I do limited working out because of a neck injury. I have taken a break from working out because some things were acting up.

I do need a vacation. I just need to get in a better head space before I go. Maybe January or Feb.

I do see a therapist

I do need to get MY power back. I'm just not sure how to do that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #87 ·
The more I read about you dude the worse it gets.



Get married again. Great move. You win. 3rd time's a charm.



Google the Lover/Provider dichotomy. Which one do you think you are? You are a classic beta provider friend. Sorry to break the news to you.
again you misinterpreted what I was saying here. completely. You jump to conclusions. And I have been married once, not twice. I said Id never do that again and I didn't
 

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Discussion Starter · #88 ·
Of course you're right, but do you think OP would be able to comprehend this? Do you think that even if OP were to be able to comprehend this he would actually do a thing? I don't think so. He would continue to wallow in his chimera because this type of men actually don't know better, they are unable to detach from that which they had mentally/emotionally made their life's reason to live for.

It's not just an obsession, but also a sign of a controlling individual. Unless they are the one letting go is OK; otherwise, like a pit bull they won't let go.
i never said I'd get married again. Especially to solve a problem lk=ike you're making it sound. This is out of context. Re read what I wrote. And I have been married once, learned a hard lesson and didn't do it again. I didn't drink the kool aide and jump into another marriage. I sent 12 years with a woman with no marriage, and no plan for marriage although I wanted to plan it for 2022, it didn't work out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #89 ·
WATCH ----

I get some of this, and it makes sense. The loss here for me I think is this. I got Fd by my ex. My kids were little and I got custody. I met a girl that was from my hometown, who knew my friends and I knew hers. We raised our kids together like a machine, and I felt like at some point we EACH got ourselves back after our divorces and had a great life with a very "normal" loving relationship. She was a critical part of raising my kids and they did, and DO love her. I thought that was forever, and this break up is NOT just about me. If it was, it would be much more simple. I feel like my first marriage failed, and the kids suffered, greatly. I always told them if this relationship ends, "it will not end ugly" because we vowed no matter what it would not be cheating because of the pain we had each lived individually. It makes me sick to think the kids will have another loss at the hands of a selfish w. It's huge to me, and where most of my angst and sadness come from. I don't know what to tell them and Im afraid that she will lie to them. The video is not a fit for the complexities of my situation, but something to be learned from it going forward. Thx.
 

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Simply, she fooled you. She was never who she pretended to be. Not a crime that you fell for it.
The red pill stuff has a lot of merit. But, you were dealing with a personality disordered woman. So, in addition to , perhaps, learning about the true nature of women and ethnocentrism, take a look at the information on Cluster B personality disorders.

Simply tell your kids the truth about finding out she was cheating.

Many of us were deceived as you were. Your life can be infinitely better without this woman.

It sort of boggles my mind, however, that you were willing to pay her salary so she would not work. That does indicate desperation, lack of self respect, and may have been instrumental in her losing attraction. Just way to differential and subservient. Women are not attracted to that.

Hang in there. You caught a break not being married to her. Your first wife's s cheating( a major trauma), may have set the stage for your being vulnerable to this latest cheater' s deception.

You have the financial resources and decent looks to attract women. But vet them better. Take off the blue pill goggles. I was in a similar position post second divorce. 52 years old, had a high paying job, still pretty fit. I had some hard and fast rules for dating: no one who ever cheated on someone or with someone was number one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #92 · (Edited)
Simply, she fooled you. She was never who she pretended to be. Not a crime that you fell for it.
The red pill stuff has a lot of merit. But, you were dealing with a personality disordered woman. So, in addition to , perhaps, learning about the true nature of women and ethnocentrism, take a look at the information on Cluster B personality disorders.

Simply tell your kids the truth about finding out she was cheating.

Many of us were deceived as you were. Your life can be infinitely better without this woman.

It sort of boggles my mind, however, that you were willing to pay her salary so she would not work. That does indicate desperation, lack of self respect, and may have been instrumental in her losing attraction. Just way to differential and subservient. Women are not attracted to that.

Hang in there. You caught a break not being married to her. Your first wife's s cheating( a major trauma), may have set the stage for your being vulnerable to this latest cheater' s deception.

You have the financial resources and decent looks to attract women. But vet them better. Take off the blue pill goggles. I was in a similar position post second divorce. 52 years old, had a high paying job, still pretty fit. I had some hard and fast rules for dating: no one who ever cheated on someone or with someone was number one.
I did say I would pay her a differential if she took a lower paying, less demanding job at one point because her new job demands were ridiculous. like 100 hour ridiculous. Up at 3:330 - 4 every day, spill over into significant portions of weekend, etc When she had a normal job and didn't seem to act so important we were at our best. I had sold a company and wanted to take care of her but didn't want to make her feel like I was making or pressuring her to quit. You have t understand I wanted her to feel like we were partners and I wasn't the only one who "hit it big" or who could retire. Tricky spot, and maybe I handled it wrong. I had good intentions. I did also eventually tell her if its the money, and you're worried about paying for your houses I will pay your salary and we will travel, do volunteer jobs, whatever makes it work. I was desperately missing her and how good our relationship was, for me, prior to the new job. I thought I could fix it with $, to get her time back. She didn't let me but she let me buy her a car, expensive jewelry, driveways for her two homes, outdoor shower, landscaping, bunk house, and a complete re-do of her failing beach house. That stuff was ok.
 

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i never said I'd get married again. Especially to solve a problem lk=ike you're making it sound. This is out of context. Re read what I wrote. And I have been married once, learned a hard lesson and didn't do it again. I didn't drink the kool aide and jump into another marriage. I sent 12 years with a woman with no marriage, and no plan for marriage although I wanted to plan it for 2022, it didn't work out.
We're not talking at all about you getting marry. It's about your lack of self respect and dignity as a man when you are pining and trying to retain a woman that is nothing but a cheating, immoral individual. It's about you not understanding that when a woman ****s a dude not her husband/partner and the husband/partner is willing to look the other way as long as he can have her back (essentially a reluctant cuckold) then you are nothing but a weak individual that has not respect for himself. How can you look at her and desire her when you know she's been royally ****ed by another dude.? how can you be willing to want her? No man that respects himself would want to do anything at all with a cheating ****. This is what we are trying to tell you. But no, you must keep her at all cost, including your manhood. this is what we're talking about because you've been saying all along that what you want is her.

You know she cheated, you you know she has previously cheated, you know that she has not respect for you, still you're looking at how to get her back that's the bottom line: YOU acting like a dude that does not respect himself by the mere act that you want her back. That's what we are talking about. That's the the whole point.
 

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You are living in the past. Nostalgia is nice, but has little to do with present reality. Stop with the "I think", "Why did she", "What if I had", and the "Maybes". None of that has anything to do with the present and what she is doing now. Move on and live your life for yourself and your kids. Looks like she has already done that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #95 ·
We're not talking at all about you getting marry. It's about your lack of self respect and dignity as a man when you are pining and trying to retain a woman that is nothing but a cheating, immoral individual. It's about you not understanding that when a woman *s a dude not her husband/partner and the husband/partner is willing to look the other way as long as he can have her back (essentially a reluctant cuckold) then you are nothing but a weak individual that has not respect for himself. How can you look at her and desire her when you know she's been royally ****ed by another dude.? how can you be willing to want her? No man that respects himself would want to do anything at all with a cheating *. This is what we are trying to tell you. But no, you must keep her at all cost, including your manhood. this is what we're talking about because you've been saying all along that what you want is her.

You know she cheated, you you know she has previously cheated, you know that she has not respect for you, still you're looking at how to get her back that's the bottom line: YOU acting like a dude that does not respect himself by the mere act that you want her back. That's what we are talking about. That's the the whole point.
I am sure every woman you have ever been with was a virgin. You're very lucky. Most have had a fair amount of sex if they are over 16 when you meet them. I'm Not sure I remember saying I want to get her back at all costs. I'm in a tough spot here trying to navigate it and concerned about my kids. She didn't admit ***ing another dude, and I didn't see it. I do believe wholeheartedly that she did. I want-ed her. And I wanted her forever. Our lives were pretty linked. I don't want her again unless she takes a lie detector test and wasn't doing what you've said, and what I believe. Tough road to navigate with emotions this high, and I'm doing the best I can. I will turn the switch to off fairly soon, and when I do it doesn't turn back. I was hoping to get some answers, and to tell her how I feel and walk away with what little self respect I have left. I think the best place for that is in a therapy place where A) she will feel comfortable B) she might be pressed by a counselor, and C) I can unload what I have to unload without her hanging up, driving away, or leaving, and be done. She needs to know what she did and how it impacts me and all of the rest of the people she claims she loves, including my kids, my mom, and her own kids. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I am absolutely not willing to just look the other way.
 

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I am sure every woman you have ever been with was a virgin. You're very lucky. Most have had a fair amount of sex if they are over 16 when you meet them. I'm Not sure I remember saying I want to get her back at all costs. I'm in a tough spot here trying to navigate it and concerned about my kids. She didn't admit ***ing another dude, and I didn't see it. I do believe wholeheartedly that she did. I want-ed her. And I wanted her forever. Our lives were pretty linked. I don't want her again unless she takes a lie detector test and wasn't doing what you've said, and what I believe. Tough road to navigate with emotions this high, and I'm doing the best I can. I will turn the switch to off fairly soon, and when I do it doesn't turn back. I was hoping to get some answers, and to tell her how I feel and walk away with what little self respect I have left. I think the best place for that is in a therapy place where A) she will feel comfortable B) she might be pressed by a counselor, and C) I can unload what I have to unload without her hanging up, driving away, or leaving, and be done. She needs to know what she did and how it impacts me and all of the rest of the people she claims she loves, including my kids, my mom, and her own kids. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I am absolutely not willing to just look the other way.
?? what? what me having virgins have to do at all with your situation or her not being a virgin? when you met her she was not a virgin, but she was an immoral cheater that fooled you. Just because a woman is not a virgen, that does not makes her a cheater if what you're trying to imply is that only virgins are capable of not cheating. And for your info, Yes I married a virgin, but was married before (no a virgin), and also had plenty of girlfriends. Some were, some weren't but that not makes non virgin cheaters. Your woman is thought.

You may never be able to prove that she cheated, but you certainly know deep in your guts that she did, Period; nonetheless, you're trying by whatever means you can get to make her tell you that she did/didn't cheated on you. This by your own admission is to salvage the relationship, because of your excuses about your children, about your forever promises. Re-read yourself:

I'm asking everyone looking for a different answer. I just can't believe it. Not her. My ex, ok. My girl...just no
I am still in shock and still want to believe some couples therapy and hard work will right this ship before it sinks. I
You are right. I am not listening. I am hearing, but I am not listening. I am still squarely in disbelief, and the fact that she went off in therapy and swore up and down she isn't seeing someone, although I believe ZERO of that charade still screws me up and makes me feel the need to ask her questions. And she isn't talking to me. Strangest thing ever, just cut off. So frustrating and mean as F***
This relationship is not what she wants. She is a hometown girl, likes simplicity, getting her hands dirty, and doesn't like fake people. She's going to ****tail parties, hanging with rich snobs, and feels super important right now. It won't make her truly happy in the end. Makes me sick
isn't all of the above wanting to keep her knowing very well that indeed she cheated on you even if you can't prove it. Moreover, can't you see that she's not what you think she is ?
You are now saying that if you find that she actually cheated you will not keep her. I said to you why bother? why all this angst, all this suffering when you already know deep in your heart that she did. Let's suppose for a moment that she actually did not have sex with anybody, wouldn't just the fact that the way that she has treated you, the disrespect that she has shown you, the callous, and dismissive replies to you, wouldn't that constitute enough to terminate this relationship? If you think that no sex means that you can continue in the relationship then, you are sadly showing your lack of self respect. That's the bottom line. Who cares about your previous history with her now? she's gone and should stay gone. Time for you to start looking at things realistically, rather than what if's, and wishful thinking.

This is my take. But you are you and do what you must.
 

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Discussion Starter · #98 ·
MODERATOR WARNING:- Just because another member is not 100% on board with what you are telling them they should feel, think or do, doesn't give you the right to beat up on them.

Do it again, you will be banned.
Apologies. I reacted to a flagrant post, and don't think I said anything to beat up on anyone. I just found out my girl is cheating and this guy writes about her getting royally f**** by another guy. I think I was less disrespectful than that but I will be more mindful. Sorry to Rob
 

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Discussion Starter · #99 ·
?? what? what me having virgins have to do at all with your situation or her not being a virgin? when you met her she was not a virgin, but she was an immoral cheater that fooled you. Just because a woman is not a virgen, that does not makes her a cheater if what you're trying to imply is that only virgins are capable of not cheating. And for your info, Yes I married a virgin, but was married before (no a virgin), and also had plenty of girlfriends. Some were, some weren't but that not makes non virgin cheaters. Your woman is thought.

You may never be able to prove that she cheated, but you certainly know deep in your guts that she did, Period; nonetheless, you're trying by whatever means you can get to make her tell you that she did/didn't cheated on you. This by your own admission is to salvage the relationship, because of your excuses about your children, about your forever promises. Re-read yourself:








isn't all of the above wanting to keep her knowing very well that indeed she cheated on you even if you can't prove it. Moreover, can't you see that she's not what you think she is ?
You are now saying that if you find that she actually cheated you will not keep her. I said to you why bother? why all this angst, all this suffering when you already know deep in your heart that she did. Let's suppose for a moment that she actually did not have sex with anybody, wouldn't just the fact that the way that she has treated you, the disrespect that she has shown you, the callous, and dismissive replies to you, wouldn't that constitute enough to terminate this relationship? If you think that no sex means that you can continue in the relationship then, you are sadly showing your lack of self respect. That's the bottom line. Who cares about your previous history with her now? she's gone and should stay gone. Time for you to start looking at things realistically, rather than what if's, and wishful thinking.

This is my take. But you are you and do what you must.
She told me she cheated. End of story. I am trying to have a meeting with her to tell her what that did to me, whether she hears it or not is irrelevant. I need to do it to close the book and move on. I am still in the beginning stages and can't help but do some what if's but I agree that is weak. I will get stronger and be able to heal. Sorry if I offended you I thought your post about getting royally **** by another dude wasn't very nice but I get it. I was trying to make a point. Some people have open marriages. Some people have a lot of sex before marriage, some people cheat and they find a way to work through it eventually. I am not that guy, it would bother me forever, but I have wanted to hear stories of all sorts.
 

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She told me she cheated. End of story. I am trying to have a meeting with her to tell her what that did to me, whether she hears it or not is irrelevant. I need to do it to close the book and move on. I am still in the beginning stages and can't help but do some what if's but I agree that is weak.
Instead of spinning your wheels imagining a final meeting where you slay her with heartfelt words and leave her sobbing for her misdeeds (this is fantasy land), spend that time and energy on dating other women. Get yourself a new girlfriend, focusing on her will help you forget your ex.

Just move on. It's what healthy people do when a relationship ends. 18 months since she moved out... it's time man.
 
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