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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
father of 4 (54). Got divorced in 2009 after my wife had an affair, and she wasn't in a place to try to work on anything. Her head was somewhere else. I got custody of my 4 kids, and raised them. 2 were 6, and the other two 11 and 12. Shortly after I met, or connected with a high school alum two years younger than me. I didn't know her, but I fell in love with her very slowly and cautiously. I know what people are going to say already- boy are you stupid- but here goes. She had told me that she had dated her husband through all of high school and college, never partied and was the valedictorian. All true. She then told me in a round about convoluted way that she got divorced because her husband worked too much, and didn't have any time for her....The truth came out in pieces...She had gone away to a family reunion(his side) and her husband got drunk and went to bed early. She hung out with his cousins etc...no mention of what went on. Next day someone has to drive a cousin to the airport, and she gets elected. Husband too hung over. They drive, Have conversation, etc, and "a hug goodbye was not just a hug" She felt something. (I already feel so finG stupid). She continues a phone relationship with him, her husband taps the phones and hears a lot of sex talk etc and they divorce. SHE ENDS UP dating him, him living in her house for 10 plus years with her 2 little kids a mile from her ex. Horrid story, unless you met her. So sweet, so kind, compassionate, honest...well, maybe not.

I took it very slow. I had been through an ugly divorce. Very ugly, and she both helped me and watched my ex abuse everyone. We vowed to be faithful, but not marry. I gave her a ring, as a promise to stay together. forever She fell in love quickly. We had a great relationship for 5 years. I had dated a lot, been married etc, and when I say this relationship was the best I mean by a MILE. Many miles. after 5 years, She took a new job and worked over 100 hours some weeks, traveling up to 5 days a week, and the relationship cooled, but it was still great and I knew I could always count on her. She was supposed to move in permanently but never did. Always an excuse, when this one goes to school, when that one goes, etc. She did stay over a lot, but this always bothered me. Never sold her house, changed her address, license, mail, etc. Did not "move in". Although she claims she did.

My kids adored her, but my oldest girl started to get jealous and try to get her in trouble with me constantly. SO also seemed to have issues of jealousy toward my oldest daughter as well. There was always a rub. It grew into a huge problem so when my daughter graduated college and moved home, SO left and went to her beach house an hour and a half away. recipe for disaster. I knew it, and I predicted it. she worked a lot and i visited when i could. She rarely came home. We have been together almost 12 years now, and with the twins going off to college this past september, I believed it was OUR Time! Finally. I asked her to go away for her birthday in sept, she didn't want to. I thought that was very weird. She has been starting fights constantly for a few months at least, about nothing, and acting different. less intimate, hugging, etc...I had a scheduled trip to go on this late Oct/early Nov., and what do you know, she started a GIANT fight right before I left. GIANT, about Nothing. For no reason and about the past and decisions we made together she now resents, and she went to the meanest places she's ever gone(my ex). I was floored. She's never been a yeller but has developed this 'Im going to say the meanest sh** I can when I'm upset to get you mad. She even said "you want out of this relationship but don't have the balls to do it" I don't. I LOVE her to the ends of the earth. That has Never changed. While I was gone all i could think about was her. I sent her messages but she never replied. She sent me an email(weird) "I need to get coats from your house". She also texted my son, my best friend's wife, my mom and another friend "when is he coming back" but never asked me. I didn't know any of this, but had a serious gut instinct kick in when I was away and immediately came home. I f I'm being honest I had some signs over the past few months and they all started eating at me. I drove from Iowa to RI, to her house and she said this relationship has to end. I was pretty surprised but also not based on the recent crazy arguments we had had. I said I respect that, but I came here to look you in the eye and ask is there another guy. Her reply "yes but not on that level", then she started spewing a bunch of stuff about "meeting a lot of people guys and girls' and nothing physical, "get a lie detector test". I said no need for that, just go get me your phone. Her reply "Im not going to do that it would break your heart" We talked for a couple hours, she screamed and yelled and deflected from the elephant in the room as much as she could. I stayed calm and when about to leave I said, its been 11 1/2 years, I think you owe me the truth about the guy. she stared into space, her eyes welled up with tears and she said "i don't want this to be my legacy" and stopped. I said like because you did this before? She acted confused and started talking about a ton of other rubbish I redirected her and she pretended to not remember even saying it. It had been one minute. She asked me to leave, and I did. A day or so later she sent me a text "I did nothing wrong and I am tired of your insinuations, they are further dividing us". I said you admitted it. She is disagreeing. She did. 100% I have been sick for weeks. I couldn't sleep or eat while I was away, I have lost 19 pounds, had cardiac irregularities, can't sleep..shaking from anxiety...just really sick. I trusted her to the ends of the earth. She won't call, text, or reply. when there has been any communication she Is trying to say I made this mistake or that(and I made some mistakes but not infidelity or stuff like that) for many years and she's angry with me. Also says I am trying to make this about a guy, and it isn't -it is about how much I suck I guess, or what I chose to do for the kids in 2015 or something Don't get me wrong, I have admitted and apologized for my mistakes, lack of judgment, anger, immature handling of situations etc. I am human- and I thought we were in Love.. Funny she just wrote me a long email about "what a great man you are" a few months ago...She says she Needs time to sort it out....with her own therapist, and she isn't communicating with me but suddenly is reaching out to my kids and mom........THOUGHTS TBH, I am heartbroken, truly heartbroken. I trusted her, and I still love her, and I wanted our future together- to the end. I can't imagine this is just how abruptly our story just ends. Way too much good and way too many years of raising kids together, trips all over the place, vacations, and the best intimacy I have ever experienced. Im sick
 

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All this evasion to spend protracted periods of time with you may indicate this other arrangement is a total second life. And her aggressive push backs and pseudo fights (the fake ones she starts) indicate it's not possible for her to get away from the other whatever it is.

You are going through torture. Only you can end that. She's not going to end that. It's up to you to take care of you without all the self destructive stuff. As long as you are tethered to this woman, it appears you are going to be in a combative mostly distant relationship.

For now, just go. If she's meant to come back, she will. IMHO any return to you is because the other gig didn't work out and she's better off with you until there's some other deal and then she'd go back to what you have now.
 

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father of 4 (54). Got divorced in 2009 after my wife had an affair, and wasn't; in a place to try to work on anything. Her head was somewhere else. I got custody of my 4 kids, and raised them. 2 were 6, and the other two 11 and 12. Shortly after I met or connected with a high school alum two years younger than me. I didn't know her, but I fell in love with her very slowly and cautiously. I know what people are going to say already- boy are you stupid- but here goes. She had told me that she had dated her husband through all of high school and college, never partied and was the valedictorian. All true. She then told me in a round about convoluted way that she got divorced because her husband worked too much, and didn't have any time for her....She had gone away to a family reunion(his side) and her husband got drunk and went to bed. She hung out with his cousins etc...Next dy someone has to drive a cousin to the airport, and she gets elected. Husband too drunk. Have conversation, etc, and "a hug goodbye was not just a hug" She felt something. (I already feel so finG stupid). She continues a phone relationship with him, her husband taps the phones and hears a lot of sex talk and they divorce. SHE ENDS UP dating him, him living in her house for 10 plus years with her 2 little kids a mile from her ex. Horrid story, unless you met her. So sweet, so kind, compassionate, honest...well, maybe not.

I took it very slow. I had been through an ugly divorce. Very ugly, and she both helped me and watched my ex abuse everyone. We vowed to be faithful, but not marry. I gave her a ring, as a promise to stay together. forever She fell in love quickly. We had a great relationship for 5 years. I had dated a lot, been married etc, and when I say this relationship was the best I mean by a MILE. Many miles. after 5 years, She took a new job and worked over 100 hours some weeks, traveling up to 5 days a week, and the relationship cooled, but it was still great and I knew I could always count on her. She was supposed to move in permanently but never did. Always an excuse, when this one goes to school, when that one goes, etc. She did stay over a lot, but this always bothered me.

My kids adored her, but my oldest girl started to get jealous and try to get her in trouble with me constantly. There was always a rub. It grew into a huge problem so when my daughter graduated college and moved home, she left and went to her beach house an hour and a half away. recipe for disaster. she worked a lot and i visited when i could. She rarely came home. We have been together almost 12 years now, and with th twins going off to college this past september, I believed it was OUR Time! Finally. I asked her to go away for her birthday in sept, she didn't want to. I thought that was weird. She has been starting fight constantly for a few months at least, and acting different. I had a scheduled trip to go on this late Oct/early Nov., and what do you know, she started a GIANT fight right before I left. GIANT, about Nothing. For no reason and about the past and decisions we made together she now resents, and she went to the meanest places she's ever gone(my ex). I was floored. She's never been a yeller but has developed this 'Im going to say the meanest sh** I can when Im upset to get you mad. She even said "you want out of this relationship but don't have the balls to do it" I don't I LOVE her to the ends of the earth. That has Never changed. While I was gone all i could think about was her. I sent her messages but she never replied. She sent me a message "I need to get coats from your house when are you coming back". She also texted my son, my best friend's wife, my mom and another friend "when is he coming back" but never asked me. I didn't know any of this, but ghad a serious gut instinct kick in when I was away and immediately came home. I drove from Iowa to RI, to her house and she said this relationship has to end. I said I respect that, but I came here to look you in the eye and ask is there another guy. Her reply "yes but not on that level", then she started spewing a bunch of stuff about "meeting a lot of people guys and girls' and nothing physical, "get a lie detector test". I said no need for that, just go get me your phone. Her reply "Im not going to do that it would break your heart" We talked for a couple hours, she screamed and yelled and deflected from the elephant in the room as much as she could. I stayed calm and when about to leave I said, its been 11 1/2 years, I think you owe me the truth about the guy. she stared into space, her eyes welled up with tears and she said "i don't want this to be my legacy" and stopped. I said like because you did this before? She acted confused and started talking about a ton of other rubbish I redirected her and she pretended to not remember saying it. It had been one minute. She asked me to leave, and I did. A day or so later she sent me a text "I did nothing wrong and I am tired of your insinuations, they are further dividing us". I said you admitted it. She is disagreeing. I have been sick for weeks. I couldn't sleep or eat while I was away, I have lost 19 pounds, had cardiac irregularities, can't sleep..shaking from anxiety...just really sick. I trusted her to the ends of the earth. She won't call, text, or reply. when there has been any communication she Is trying to say I made this mistake or that(and I made some mistakes but not infidelity or stuff like that) for many years and she's angry with me. Also says I am trying to make this about a guy, and it isn't -it is about how much I suck I guess, or what I chose to do for the kids in 2015 or something Don't get me wrong, I have admitted and apologized for my mistakes, lack of judgment, anger, immature handling of situations etc. I am human- and I thought we were in Love.. Funny she just wrote me a long email about "what a great man you are" a few months ago...She says she Needs time to sort it out....with her own therapist, and she isn't communicating with me but suddenly is reaching out to my kids and mom........THOUGHTS TBH, I am heartbroken, truly heartbroken. I trusted her, and I still love her, and I anted our future together. I can't imagine this is just how abruptly our story just ends. Way too much good and way too many years of raising kids together, trips all over the place, vacations, and the best intimacy I have ever experienced. Im sick
Sorry this has happened. It is not unusual for a man to gloss over past infidelity, attributing it to some bogus outside factor. I did this,mas well. In reality, it is an indication of one's s hubris, to some extent. I rationalized it with my wife and( here's the hubris component), figured she would not do it to someone as great as me etc.
After reading thousands of infidelity stories, and speaking with hundreds of other betrayed men, I feel pretty comfortable saying that a history of infidelity of any sort( either a cheating spouse or as an OW to a married or committed guy), should immediately disqualify a woman from consideration as a partner.
But, it is water under the bridge for you and me, and you are already acknowledging the error. As I said, it is not an uncommon one, due to hubris, the KISA deal, and socialization of men failing to educate them to the true nature of women( not all, I know. But hypergamy etc.)
So, you are mid 50's? I am 67. I have had one serious girlfriend since my divorce 15 years ago. It lasted 9 years and we parted as friends. But, once I found out through her telling me she had once had an affair with a married man(she told me this 8 years in), I bailed. We still talk but I lost respect for her.
I think, after the shock wears off, the grief subsides, and the trauma is not so acute, you will be alright. You have 4 kids, and they can be a great source of joy( and pain, too. One of mine is a heroin addict, long term. Just a matter of time etc, but I still have hope for whatever reason).
Your girlfriend, now X, is just not a good person. Simplistic, eh? But , it is true. The recent stuff, which, undoubtedly, indicates cheating plus her history ( and, believe me, you know the tip of the iceberg((cynical, eh?)) ) is a good indicator of who/what she is. Do not doubt yourself on this.
Take it easy. You will not die from this. The trauma is great, and you may not be able to see this, but you can have a good life going forward. Life is never all,easy and happy for anyone. I think life is full of pain and hardship interspersed with times of joy and happiness. It is this way for all of us, despite outward appearances of having it all made.
I feel for you. This is a big loss. But, despite the suffering, please put this miscreant in the rearview mirror.
You and I learned a valuable but painful lesson. Have a meaningful life going forward. Enjoy the parts you can, and accept that life is really hard and seldom fair. Again, glad you have kids.
 

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I'm asking everyone looking for a different answer. I just can't believe it. Not her. My ex, ok. My girl...just no
If you're asking if she'll come back to you, she probably will, but only long enough to find somebody else.
If she thought you were really the best that she could get for pleasure, she would be faithful. She views you as good enough to be a port of safety in between her trying to find somebody better.

All we can do is tell you, based on our experiences, on what is going on. It's up to you to do with the information as you wish. Nobody here is going to criticize you if you are willing to try and outwait her ability to find new men.
 

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Send her this in two separate texts:

“Cheaters cheat; that’s what and who you are, and that’s what you do. It is and will forever be your legacy.”

“We’re done. I’m so happy I didn’t marry you. Don’t bother contacting me again.”

And then block her everywhere. Never contact her again. If there’s anything of hers left at your place, pack it up and ship it to her.
 

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I'm asking everyone looking for a different answer. I just can't believe it. Not her. My ex, ok. My girl...just no
Yep.

You got duped. Just read the terrain for what it is and drive accordingly.
 

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I'm asking everyone looking for a different answer. I just can't believe it. Not her. My ex, ok. My girl...just no
What you have described is fairly conclusive. I have been through this twice, as well. Infidelity is pretty common, fairly widespread and pretty much equally distributed by gender. It is ,really, not that uncommon to be on the recieving end more than once, statistically. You acknowledge( again, like me) being aware of a history of cheating. It is really quite doubtful you know the true extent of her history.
One thing you might want to look at is whether you have qualities that are appealing to a narcissist or sociopath or bordeline( the Cluster B personality disorders). If you are nice, trusting, a bit naive etc, the disordered are drawn to you. They target you.
Your girlfriend has exhibited some behaviors( not just the cheating), consistent with a personality disorder. First, she cheated in th he past with her husband's cousin. That is fairly egregious and shows a clear lack of empathy( one of the hallmarks of the disordered).
She has gas lighted you, another red flag for lack of empathy. She is somewhat sadistic. One of your kids intuitively recognized what she is( not uncommon, particularly for female kids as it relates to other women.
I had to really educate myself on the red flags for narcissists. I was still very fit, making good dough, relatively handsome at your age and was approached by a fair number of predatory women. Start learning the signs. Read about personality disorders. They are far more common than we think or than some of the literature suggests due to the disordered seldom being diagnosed ( they avoid counseling like the plague).
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I am a realistic man. I understand and respect the direct responses, and that is what I believe too. But I am looking for all opinions, and maybe personal accounts of a similar nature that went differently. This isn't going to go differently but I'm not far removed from the shock, sickness, anxiety, palpitations, fear and sobbing...so.

In therapy this week, I told her you looked me in the eye and admitted it, TWICE, and let me be clear, I am not 90% sure, I am 100% sure. She sobbed and sobbed and deflected and said I was 1000% wrong. She said you want this to be about a guy. You want this to be that Im not strong enough to leave you on my own. You're wrong. I think she is trying t buy time so when it gets found out by more people, that we have been broken up for a while and it fits her narrative that she wasn't cheating, and it doesn't "become her legacy". She is really a sweet girl. Not *****y in any way at all. Easy to get along with, warm and affectionate. Our relationship went off the rails because of my daughter, and fights we had about her, and there were some other things as well I own, but I thought this was forever, even just a month ago.. On this forum I guess it is foolish to say I just can't explain how completely screwed up I am over this. I'm broken. You people know, some more than once(me)
 

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I am a realistic man. I understand and respect the direct responses, and that is what I believe too. But I am looking for all opinions, and maybe personal accounts of a similar nature that went differently. This isn't going to go differently but I'm not far removed from the shock, sickness, anxiety, palpitations, fear and sobbing...so.

In therapy this week, I told her you looked me in the eye and admitted it, TWICE, and let me be clear, I am not 90% sure, I am 100% sure. She sobbed and sobbed and deflected and said I was 1000% wrong. She said you want this to be about a guy. You want this to be that Im not strong enough to leave you on my own. You're wrong. I think she is trying t buy time so when it gets found out by more people, that we have been broken up for a while and it fits her narrative that she wasn't cheating, and it doesn't "become her legacy". She is really a sweet girl. Not *****y in any way at all. Easy to get along with, warm and affectionate. Our relationship went off the rails because of my daughter, and fights we had about her, and there were some other things as well I own, but I thought this was forever, even just a month ago.. On this forum I guess it is foolish to say I just can't explain how completely screwed up I am over this. I'm broken. You people know, some more than once(me)
Please, whatever you do, do not lay any of this on your kid. My second XW tried to drive a wedge between me and one of my sons(her stepson who could, in retrospect, see her for what she is). There is a reason that so many traditional fairy tales describe the archetype of the evilmstep mother( think Hansel and Gretel, Snow White, Cinderella, etc).
By your own admission, you brought a woman with a history of cheating with her husband's cousin in contact with your kid( I did the something similar with my two boys from my first marriage. My second wife's s physical appearance blinded me to what she is. Made me ignore a clear sign of her true nature.
Ask yourself this, honestly: is it really possible for a kind, compassionate, empathetic woman Tom cheat on her husband with one of his relatives?. With distance and hindsight, the answer will,be clear to you. It is over the top egregious, as is a person now having yet a second affair( that you know of).
And, what type of brazeness and lack of empathy allows her to attempt to gaslight you now such that in your traumatized state you will question your perceptions. You have no history of auditory hallucinations, I presume.
 

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Why in hell's name do you keep referring to her as "a sweet girl" when she is the furthest thing from being a sweet girl??? She is a a deceitful, lying serial cheater who wil stomp on the heart of the one who loves her with no empathy, and then to continue the pain will continue to gaslight the guy. She has done this before. At best she is an accomplished actor.
 

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I am a realistic man. I understand and respect the direct responses, and that is what I believe too. But I am looking for all opinions, and maybe personal accounts of a similar nature that went differently. This isn't going to go differently but I'm not far removed from the shock, sickness, anxiety, palpitations, fear and sobbing...so.
It sounds as though you are asking members to give you hope. To come up with some believable scenarios where your girl is really the angel you believe her to be. I'm sorry, but that is not the type of advice that will actually help you.

Reread your own first post and ask yourself if this sounds like a woman who loves and respects you?

Have you had the talk with your daughter regarding interfering in your relationships? She is now an adult and doesn't get a pass just because she's daddy's girl.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
It sounds as though you are asking members to give you hope. To come up with some believable scenarios where your girl is really the angel you believe her to be. I'm sorry, but that is not the type of advice that will actually help you.

Reread your own first post and ask yourself if this sounds like a woman who loves and respects you?

Have you had the talk with your daughter regarding interfering in your relationships? She is now an adult and doesn't get a pass just because she's daddy's girl.
I agree. She does not respect me and has gone all out offensive gaslighting whatever you want to characterize it as, certainly it is not humility, apologetic, its all self preservation. Worrying about her blessed reputation.

I have had many discussions with my adult daughter about her behavior. I made her move out in hopes my SO would move back in this past September. I WAS planning a Wedding, picking out music, locations etc and wanted to have that talk when we were to go away for her birthday 9/25. Its just so unreal to have been so duped. I wish I knew how long this has been going on. I will find out, but its going to take some work(yes I want to know for me). I just can't stop thinking how shocked I am. I will never get over this blindside. That bothers me because she can move on(has) but I, who had trust issues to begin with feel like I will never find a suitable partner again. And Im not 30. Fit, attractive, financially in a good spot, but I don't ever want to start dating again. Too much BS for me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
Why in hell's name do you keep referring to her as "a sweet girl" when she is the furthest thing from being a sweet girl??? She is a a deceitful, lying serial cheater who wil stomp on the heart of the one who loves her with no empathy, and then to continue the pain will continue to gaslight the guy. She has done this before. At best she is an accomplished actor.
For most f our relationship she was sweet, and warm, and kind. That has all changed over the past year or so. Maybe this kind of **** has been going on for longer or with more people than I know. She was so theatrical in the therapy session last week I found it embarrassing for her. Dramatic voice the entire time, giving bits of history with no context meant to make me look bad, sobbing, it was awful, and a great percentage of it was simply untrue, or stated in such a one sided way that the counselor would think it was true. Thankfully I got to clarify much of the misleading stuff
 

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It sounds as though you are asking members to give you hope. To come up with some believable scenarios where your girl is really the angel you believe her to be. I'm sorry, but that is not the type of advice that will actually help you.

Reread your own first post and ask yourself if this sounds like a woman who loves and respects you?

Have you had the talk with your daughter regarding interfering in your relationships? She is now an adult and doesn't get a pass just because she's daddy's girl.
I would step back for a good long time before criticizing the daughter. Remember, this is a woman with a history of not just cheating, but doing it with her then husband's cousin. Then bringing that lowlife into her own kids home( the greatest threat to kids is from the boyfriend of a single mom, statistically).

It may well be that the daughter picked up on what this woman really is, since the daughter was not influenced by limerance and sexually generated dopamine. Seriously, can ther be any doubt that a serial cheater like this woman was sending out clues as to her true nature?
My second XW was , pretty much, a Victoria's Secret model looking type. I was oblivious to her nature for a while. Not so my kids.
 

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It sounds as though you are asking members to give you hope. To come up with some believable scenarios where your girl is really the angel you believe her to be. I'm sorry, but that is not the type of advice that will actually help you.
Exactly.
 
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