Is insecurity about partner watching porn truly a sign of something sinister?

4263 Views 175 Replies 23 Participants Last post by In Absentia, 7 mo ago

LillyBird

Discussion Starter · 7 mo ago

Hello! I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 beautiful children together and generally have a very easy-going and loving relationship. The one thing I am not okay with is porn. To me, it is fantasizing about being with another, probably better looking woman etc. (By the way, do men do this?! Like see a woman in the street and imagine having sex with her? The things I find on forums are surprising for me

) Okay sure, maybe on a rare occasion it is whatever - it would not bother me much, but the thought of it being regular is almost sickening for me. He knows I don't like it and denies watching it, I have looked in his phone a couple of times - which was always going to be fruitless given incognito mode anyway. No part of me ever wants to read messages, know his location etc. but I would 110% want to know if he watching porn and what it was. Nudity in films etc. is absolutely fine, but watching somebody have sex with a half-silicone woman and getting off to it really bothers me.

I searched this issue I have to find that it seemed uncommon... most comments addressing this were brutal and saying the concerned partner was jealous and insecure and needed therapy and their marriage was doomed... is this true? Is it so bad to be jealous?

He is mostly an honest person, unless it comes to something he knows I will be upset about - like spending too much money on something stupid etc. in that case, I have found him to withhold information from me before. Or at least play it down massively.

He was my first boyfriend and (only ever) sexual partner as an 18yo, and we were friends before that. In the time I knew him, I knew him to have several relationships and typical teenage boy habits of trying to sleep with as many girls as possible! I was very different - I partied but saved myself for somebody I could connect with. I think the insecurity stems partially from my inexperience with anyone else, and partially from how hard I am on my self-image.

Is this really such a problem, or a sign of issues within a relationship that need to be addressed?

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BeyondRepair007

· #161 · 7 mo ago

In Absentia said:
Maybe, but I find repetition boring. It doesn't work with me. Also, if I suspect I'm getting "addicted" to something, I recognise it, I rationalise it and I just stop. Maybe I'm wired differently.

I’m wired the same as you. I say that I don’t have ”addictive tendencies”, meaning I can normally stop things pretty easily that others have trouble with.

But @BigDaddyNY I don’t fully understand overcomplicating non-physical addictions. Sure an addiction is a terrible thing and may be extremely difficult to overcome, but in the end, it does come down to being a question of mind over matter does it not?

Disclaimer: not an addition expert by any measure. Maybe I simplify it because it’s been easy for me.

In Absentia

· #162 · 7 mo ago

BeyondRepair007 said:
but in the end, it does come down to being a question of mind over matter does it not?

This is what I was trying to explain... not very well, obviously...

Reactions: 1

TinyTbone

· #163 · 7 mo ago

Ok, so to quantify what Cletus has said. As far as most men seeing other women and visualizing them sexually? There are actual medical and phycological studies that have been done that proves this. Also many articles alluding to this as well. Read one recently that was titled Can a man be friends with a woman without viewing her sexually. The overwhelming data posted to no. The majority of men will see other women and wonder what it'd be like to...not all but a real majority. It's the way men's brains are hard wired I suppose. I'm sure many women do the same.
As to the jealousy and trust issues. If you have caught him in the past viewing porn, yes it's a problem if this is a stated boundary. If it happens again, of course it's going to create an issue of trust for you. Very normal. But remember this. It's that same response he gives to porn use (maybe) that he'd probably use if you caught him masturbating! There isn't hardly a man alive who hasn't, yet do they normally do it openly with their mates? Nope. Been taught growing up it's shameful, or dirty and perverted and sacrilegious. Have you ever caught him doing that? Does he perform this for you? Do you perform this for him? For most men, it's stimulating to see the visuals of sex shown in porn. Some may be fantasies they'd like to have, but don't dare say it. Or have but are denied. Men are stimulated by visual and touch. So approach him the same as you would when asking if he masturbates. Be gentle, loving and assuring no judgement, even show a little curiosity about it. Take down the defenses first so you can both caringly discuss the issues without guilt tripping.
A little pneumonic I've come up with based on a best selling book:
Men are from Mars
Women are from Venus
Women feel with their hearts
Men feel with their penis
Kinda sums it up.

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DownByTheRiver

· #164 · 7 mo ago

In Absentia said:
If we put aside religion and moral stances, if porn doesn't impact on the relationship and both partners are ok with it, then I have no problem. If reasonable boundaries are not respected, than it's not ok. If my partner said no porn, I would not use porn, if we had a reasonable sex life. There must be reasonable boundaries.

But what about the impact on the children? I was very impacted by my dad reading porn magazines. I was exposed to it. It colored my idea of what an attractive woman was. It impacted my parents' marriage, and it was pretty obvious, even to a little girl. It made me think being sexy was the most important thing for a girl. I realized at some point during a visit home as a young adult that I was subconsciously dressing like the cheesecake girlie illustration on a mirror my dad had up in his room, you know, black skimpy things, that certain look from the early porn.

When I was maybe 11 or so, my mom caught me down on the floor on my back kicking my legs and feet up in the air mimicking a girl I'd seen dancing to an old song "The stripper" on tv that had come on the radio. Teaching your daughters that they are sex objects is BAD. Teaching your sons that women are sex objects is BAD.

As a teen, I started worrying if I should even bring my teenage girlfriends over since I knew my dad was looking at photos of girls not that much different. The term back then was "dirty old man," and I began to wonder if my dad was one. And certainly in later years after I was out of the house, he did blossom into one.

You can't have porn happening in your home without your children being aware of it. Already they have it in their faces on the internet. The least you could do is make a better real-life model for them and let them know that is not real life and that women deserve more respect than that and that you have higher aspirations for them.

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TinyTbone

· #165 · 7 mo ago

LillyBird said:
Hello! I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 beautiful children together and generally have a very easy-going and loving relationship. The one thing I am not okay with is porn. To me, it is fantasizing about being with another, probably better looking woman etc. (By the way, do men do this?! Like see a woman in the street and imagine having sex with her? The things I find on forums are surprising for me ) Okay sure, maybe on a rare occasion it is whatever - it would not bother me much, but the thought of it being regular is almost sickening for me. He knows I don't like it and denies watching it, I have looked in his phone a couple of times - which was always going to be fruitless given incognito mode anyway. No part of me ever wants to read messages, know his location etc. but I would 110% want to know if he watching porn and what it was. Nudity in films etc. is absolutely fine, but watching somebody have sex with a half-silicone woman and getting off to it really bothers me.

I searched this issue I have to find that it seemed uncommon... most comments addressing this were brutal and saying the concerned partner was jealous and insecure and needed therapy and their marriage was doomed... is this true? Is it so bad to be jealous?

He is mostly an honest person, unless it comes to something he knows I will be upset about - like spending too much money on something stupid etc. in that case, I have found him to withhold information from me before. Or at least play it down massively.

He was my first boyfriend and (only ever) sexual partner as an 18yo, and we were friends before that. In the time I knew him, I knew him to have several relationships and typical teenage boy habits of trying to sleep with as many girls as possible! I was very different - I partied but saved myself for somebody I could connect with. I think the insecurity stems partially from my inexperience with anyone else, and partially from how hard I am on my self-image.

Is this really such a problem, or a sign of issues within a relationship that need to be addressed?

I will quote the Red Green show:
Lord, I'm a man, I can change if I have to, I think! You opened Pandora's box here!! Lol

Reactions: 1

In Absentia

· #166 · 7 mo ago

DownByTheRiver said:
But what about the impact on the children? I was very impacted by my dad reading porn magazines. I was exposed to it. It colored my idea of what an attractive woman was. It impacted my parents' marriage, and it was pretty obvious, even to a little girl. It made me think being sexy was the most important thing for a girl. I realized at some point during a visit home as a young adult that I was subconsciously dressing like the cheesecake girlie illustration on a mirror my dad had up in his room, you know, black skimpy things, that certain look from the early porn.

When I was maybe 11 or so, my mom caught me down on the floor on my back kicking my legs and feet up in the air mimicking a girl I'd seen dancing to an old song "The stripper" on tv that had come on the radio. Teaching your daughters that they are sex objects is BAD. Teaching your sons that women are sex objects is BAD.

As a teen, I started worrying if I should even bring my teenage girlfriends over since I knew my dad was looking at photos of girls not that much different. The term back then was "dirty old man," and I began to wonder if my dad was one. And certainly in later years after I was out of the house, he did blossom into one.

You can't have porn happening in your home without your children being aware of it. Already they have it in their faces on the internet. The least you could do is make a better real-life model for them and let them know that is not real life and that women deserve more respect than that and that you have higher aspirations for them.

it’s a good point, but these days it’s all digital, so it’s a lot easier to hide and I don’t really see how they could possibly find out. So I don’t really agree with your last statement. I don’t let porn impact on anything, or I didn’t, since I don’t have a wife any more and the children are out of the house. I’ve never been one of those guys, watching porn on their phone. Family was everything.

DownByTheRiver

· #167 · 7 mo ago

In Absentia said:
it’s a good point, but these days it’s all digital, so it’s a lot easier to hide and I don’t really see how they could possibly find out. So I don’t really agree with your last statement. I don’t let porn impact on anything, or I didn’t, since I don’t have a wife any more and the children are out of the house. I’ve never been one of those guys, watching porn on their phone. Family was everything.

I think a lot of people don't confine their watching to their personal cellphones. Some watch on PCs, laptops, pads, and smart tvs. Even ones using their cellphones, maybe not you, I hope, but some are going to be careless.

DownByTheRiver

· #168 · 7 mo ago

If you google "Dad watches porn," well besides porn sites, you will find plenty of inquiries where kids have found their dad's watching digital porn. Just one example.

seekersguidance.org

How Do I Approach My Father Who Watches Pornography?

It truly is a disturbing thing to see what you have seen, but truly wise and mature of you not to fall into the same unlawful habit.

seekersguidance.org

BigDaddyNY

· #169 · 7 mo ago

BeyondRepair007 said:
I’m wired the same as you. I say that I don’t have ”addictive tendencies”, meaning I can normally stop things pretty easily that others have trouble with.

But @BigDaddyNY I don’t fully understand overcomplicating non-physical addictions. Sure an addiction is a terrible thing and may be extremely difficult to overcome, but in the end, it does come down to being a question of mind over matter does it not?

Disclaimer: not an addition expert by any measure. Maybe I simplify it because it’s been easy for me.

It does come down to mind over matter. But again, if that were a simple task then 40% of Americans wouldn't be obese. Losing weight is all will power to eat less, yet it is a life long struggle for many. Oddly enough this one hasn't been an issue for me.

I know porn addiction isn't like a drug addiction. If I would end up someplace with no access to porn I wouldn't start going into some kind of withdrawal. Maybe it is better to call it an obsession or an extreme habit rather than an addiction. Regardless, it is hard to quit for some. I have an obsessive streak and even somewhat of an addictive personality. It got me into a lot of trouble when I was a teen. I wasn't a drug addict in the sense of withdrawal, but I was a party addict and I would do what ever was available. I can't believe what my wife, then GF, put up with from me. Luckily, she was one of my obsessions and the only girl I ever really wanted. I recognized all the unhealthy addictive/obsessive issues I had, but couldn't stop with sheer will power alone. That is why I joined the Army. To get myself away from all of that and to teach me some discipline. It worked. I managed to refocus those obsessive qualities on good habits instead of bad. That gave me the ability to go from high school drop out to and engineer with an MBA and extremely successful career, marriage and family. In spite of all that some of the bad habits have been hard to shake, like porn. I've had an obsessive and unhealthy relationship with porn since around 1981. That is a long time.

I've recently gone a few months without viewing any porn, then somehow I find my way back. Maybe I'm just weak. The odd thing is I don't even masturbate to it this time around. It is just some kind of weird curiosity that I just have to go look. I probably sound like an idiot, but it is what it is. Even though my wife is aware of my use, I don't really proactively tell her how much I've been watching it. I think that is what I need to try next. I think I need her to help hold me accountable.

Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into a therapy session, lol, but I doubt I'm the only one that struggles with this.

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Reactions: 1

Diana7

· #170 · 7 mo ago

DownByTheRiver said:
But what about the impact on the children? I was very impacted by my dad reading porn magazines. I was exposed to it. It colored my idea of what an attractive woman was. It impacted my parents' marriage, and it was pretty obvious, even to a little girl. It made me think being sexy was the most important thing for a girl. I realized at some point during a visit home as a young adult that I was subconsciously dressing like the cheesecake girlie illustration on a mirror my dad had up in his room, you know, black skimpy things, that certain look from the early porn.

When I was maybe 11 or so, my mom caught me down on the floor on my back kicking my legs and feet up in the air mimicking a girl I'd seen dancing to an old song "The stripper" on tv that had come on the radio. Teaching your daughters that they are sex objects is BAD. Teaching your sons that women are sex objects is BAD.

As a teen, I started worrying if I should even bring my teenage girlfriends over since I knew my dad was looking at photos of girls not that much different. The term back then was "dirty old man," and I began to wonder if my dad was one. And certainly in later years after I was out of the house, he did blossom into one.

You can't have porn happening in your home without your children being aware of it. Already they have it in their faces on the internet. The least you could do is make a better real-life model for them and let them know that is not real life and that women deserve more respect than that and that you have higher aspirations for them.

My dad too had porn mags. It was one of the things that first made me realize how wrong it was. I never respected him the same way once I found out about them. Interesting that a young teenage girl can already sense that its damaging and unhealthy for a marriage before even being in a relationship.

Reactions: 1

Diana7

· #171 · 7 mo ago

BigDaddyNY said:
It does come down to mind over matter. But again, if that were a simple task then 40% of Americans wouldn't be obese. Losing weight is all will power to eat less, yet it is a life long struggle for many. Oddly enough this one hasn't been an issue for me.

I know porn addiction isn't like a drug addiction. If I would end up someplace with no access to porn I wouldn't start going into some kind of withdrawal. Maybe it is better to call it an obsession or an extreme habit rather than an addiction. Regardless, it is hard to quit for some. I have an obsessive streak and even somewhat of an addictive personality. It got me into a lot of trouble when I was a teen. I wasn't a drug addict in the sense of withdrawal, but I was a party addict and I would do what ever was available. I can't believe what my wife, then GF, put up with from me. Luckily, she was one of my obsessions and the only girl I ever really wanted. I recognized all the unhealthy addictive/obsessive issues I had, but couldn't stop with sheer will power alone. That is why I joined the Army. To get myself away from all of that and to teach me some discipline. It worked. I managed to refocus those obsessive qualities on good habits instead of bad. That gave me the ability to go from high school drop out to and engineer with an MBA and extremely successful career, marriage and family. In spite of all that some of the bad habits have been hard to shake, like porn. I've had an obsessive and unhealthy relationship with porn since around 1981. That is a long time.

I've recently gone a few months without viewing any porn, then somehow I find my way back. Maybe I'm just weak. The odd thing is I don't even masturbate to it this time around. It is just some kind of weird curiosity that I just have to go look. I probably sound like an idiot, but it is what it is. Even though my wife is aware of my use, I don't really proactively tell her how much I've been watching it. I think that is what I need to try next. I think I need her to help hold me accountable.

Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into a therapy session, lol, but I doubt I'm the only one that struggles with this.

If you want to stop, get her to download one of those programmes that either stop porn being able to be accessed or tell her when it is seen. They are very good for accountability.

Reactions: 2

In Absentia

· #172 · 7 mo ago

DownByTheRiver said:
I think a lot of people don't confine their watching to their personal cellphones. Some watch on PCs, laptops, pads, and smart tvs. Even ones using their cellphones, maybe not you, I hope, but some are going to be careless.

I'm not sure what are are implying... I am careful, but I'm not supposed to watch it because other people are stupid? Or am I not supposed to watch it just in case? The last option I would agree with you, but I always watched it in my office where nobody can get in... if you watch it on your iPad in the house when you kids are around, then you are a moron.

Reactions: 1

oldshirt

· #173 · 7 mo ago

9 pages and now 173 posts debating about porn and whether guys look at chicks and not only has the OP never been back, but we do not know if her H has ever even looked at porn or not.

She never even said that he has watched it. She was just afraid that he might. We don’t even know if he has.

In Absentia

· #174 · 7 mo ago

oldshirt said:
9 pages and now 173 posts debating about porn and whether guys look at chicks and not only has the OP never been back, but we do not know if her H has ever even looked at porn or not.

You are not surprised, are you?

oldshirt

· #175 · 7 mo ago

In Absentia said:
You are not surprised, are you?

No not surprised. But think a lot of people missed the OP’s point of the post.

Reactions: 1

In Absentia

· #176 · 7 mo ago

oldshirt said:
No not surprised. But think a lot of people missed the OP’s point of the post.

I agree with you. Also, guilty as charged.

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