Is insecurity about partner watching porn truly a sign of something sinister?

4265 Views 175 Replies 23 Participants Last post by In Absentia, 7 mo ago

LillyBird

Discussion Starter · 7 mo ago

Hello! I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 beautiful children together and generally have a very easy-going and loving relationship. The one thing I am not okay with is porn. To me, it is fantasizing about being with another, probably better looking woman etc. (By the way, do men do this?! Like see a woman in the street and imagine having sex with her? The things I find on forums are surprising for me

) Okay sure, maybe on a rare occasion it is whatever - it would not bother me much, but the thought of it being regular is almost sickening for me. He knows I don't like it and denies watching it, I have looked in his phone a couple of times - which was always going to be fruitless given incognito mode anyway. No part of me ever wants to read messages, know his location etc. but I would 110% want to know if he watching porn and what it was. Nudity in films etc. is absolutely fine, but watching somebody have sex with a half-silicone woman and getting off to it really bothers me.

I searched this issue I have to find that it seemed uncommon... most comments addressing this were brutal and saying the concerned partner was jealous and insecure and needed therapy and their marriage was doomed... is this true? Is it so bad to be jealous?

He is mostly an honest person, unless it comes to something he knows I will be upset about - like spending too much money on something stupid etc. in that case, I have found him to withhold information from me before. Or at least play it down massively.

He was my first boyfriend and (only ever) sexual partner as an 18yo, and we were friends before that. In the time I knew him, I knew him to have several relationships and typical teenage boy habits of trying to sleep with as many girls as possible! I was very different - I partied but saved myself for somebody I could connect with. I think the insecurity stems partially from my inexperience with anyone else, and partially from how hard I am on my self-image.

Is this really such a problem, or a sign of issues within a relationship that need to be addressed?

See less See more

41 - 60 of 176 Posts

BigDaddyNY

· #41 · 7 mo ago

Kput said:
So my way or the highway then.

Of course, and what is wrong with that? I'm sure you do it too. If your spouse insisted on a open marriage would you just accept it or send her packing?

Diana7

· #42 · 7 mo ago

OP in the end it's what you are prepared to put up with. If you find out for sure that he watches porn then it's your decision as to whether you will accept him on those terms or not.

Reactions: 2

BigDaddyNY

· #43 · 7 mo ago

Kput said:
Ask yourself what is the real reason you object to him watching porn and if that reason is due to your possible insecurities and not because you object to porn itself.

Again, so what if it comes from personal insecurities. If the person can't tolerate it, then they are free to break off the relationship. I don't want my wife going out clubbing on a GNO at the local meat market night club. That may come from personal insecurities on my part, but again what does the source matter? It is my boundary. You only have to live with it if you want to be with me.

Reactions: 2

Diana7

· #44 · 7 mo ago

BigDaddyNY said:
Of course, and what is wrong with that? I'm sure you do it too. If your spouse insisted on a open marriage would you just accept it or send her packing?

It's about having boundaries and keeping to them isn't it. Far too many people come to TAM who have boundaries but who are afraid to stand up for them if their spouses don't. Personally, I won't put up with any nonsense like that. Its SOOO important to find a person who shares your values and never to compromise on that. Never settle for second best.

Reactions: 3

Cletus

· #45 · 7 mo ago

BigDaddyNY said:
That may come from personal insecurities on my part, but again what does the source matter? It is my boundary. You only have to live with it if you want to be with me.

I always fully agree with this statement and I am never fully comfortable with it.

I think the source does matter. Perhaps this comes from living with a parent with schizophrenia, but placing boundaries on a spouse that have absolutely no basis in fact, while within a person's rights, should not get carte blanche treatment.

Diana7

· #46 · 7 mo ago

Cletus said:
I didn't make ANY value judgment. Don't put words into my mouth.

You said,
'The answer to this question is yes, almost without exception, for nearly every man from the day he reaches puberty to the day he dies. If he tells you he isn't doing it, chances are probably 9 out of 10 that he is lying to you to be kind.'

So you claim that many men are also liars if they say they don't watch porn. Maybe they just dont?

Reactions: 1

Diana7

· #47 · 7 mo ago

Cletus said:
I always fully agree with this statement and I am never fully comfortable with it.

I think the source does matter. Perhaps this comes from living with a parent with schizophrenia, but placing boundaries on a spouse that have absolutely no basis in fact, while within a person's rights, should not get carte blanche treatment.

So you have no boundaries in a marriage?

At least you haven't said that all men who don't do these things are gay.

Cletus

· #48 · 7 mo ago

Diana7 said:
So you have no boundaries in a marriage?

I have no idea how you got that from what I wrote.

Of course I have boundaries in my marriage.

Diana7

· #49 · 7 mo ago

Amazing that many men who watch porn and lust after loads of women and imagine having sex with them has to believe that all men are exactly the same as them or must be gay. I have no idea why unless its insecurity or guilt? They must believe that all men do it so its ok in their minds. Its total nonsense and very offensive to those men who choose to live differently. Just as all women are different so are men.

Reactions: 1

TexasMom1216

· #50 · 7 mo ago

Diana7 said:
Amazing that many men who watch porn and lust after loads of women and imagine having sex with them has to believe that all men are exactly the same as them or must be gay. I have no idea why unless its insecurity or guilt? They must believe that all men do it so its ok in their minds. Its total nonsense and very offensive to those men who choose to live differently. Just as all women are different so are men.

These are also the same men who think that they have to keep their wives under constant surveillance. There is a reason they believe all women cheat.

Reactions: 2

Diana7

· #51 · 7 mo ago

Cletus said:
I have no idea how you got that from what I wrote.

Of course I have boundaries in my marriage.

Cletus said:
I have no idea how you got that from what I wrote.

Of course I have boundaries in my marriage.

You answered a post about each of us having boundaries and sticking to them. You said you weren't comfortable with that statement. No one has to give detailed reasons why they have that boundary, it's just there and its another's decision whether they are ok with it or not.

BigDaddyNY

· #52 · 7 mo ago

Cletus said:
I always fully agree with this statement and I am never fully comfortable with it.

I think the source does matter. Perhaps this comes from living with a parent with schizophrenia, but placing boundaries on a spouse that have absolutely no basis in fact, while within a person's rights, should not get carte blanche treatment.

That makes sense, but obviously an extreme case. Mental illness will skew the person's perception of everything. So, maybe a qualifier of, barring any mental illness...

Reactions: 1

Cletus

· #53 · 7 mo ago

Diana7 said:
You answered a post about each of us having boundaries and sticking to them. You said you weren't comfortable with that statement. No one has to give detailed reasons why they have that boundary, it's just there and its another's decision whether they are ok with it or not.

I said that just feeling a certain way might not be a reasonable boundary. The "I just feel that way" defense is insufficient.

If my spouse decides that I can never use a computer because they fear I'll have an online affair, even if I have never given them any reason to expect such an outcome is likely, then that is an unreasonable boundary. They have every right to impose that boundary, since they are free agents. I have every right to push back on such a boundary as unreasonable and decide if I can live with it. That does not make it more reasonable.

Reactions: 4

Cletus

· #54 · 7 mo ago

BigDaddyNY said:
That makes sense, but obviously an extreme case. Mental illness will skew the person's perception of everything. So, maybe a qualifier of, barring any mental illness...

Well, more above. See what you think.

TexasMom1216

· #55 · 7 mo ago

Diana7 said:
You answered a post about each of us having boundaries and sticking to them. You said you weren't comfortable with that statement. No one has to give detailed reasons why they have that boundary, it's just there and its another's decision whether they are ok with it or not.

They also have to realize that boundaries limit which partners will work for them. There is nothing wrong with having a boundary, but you have to be reasonable.

Problems seem to arise arise when people expect to have their OWN list of "musts" and refuse to realize that they are not entitled to select any partner they want and force that person to conform to that list.

Reactions: 4

Cletus

· #56 · 7 mo ago

TexasMom1216 said:
They also have to realize that boundaries limit which partners will work for them. There is nothing wrong with having a boundary, but you have to be reasonable.

This is all I'm saying.

If you limit your partner choices to men who, under the influence of a lie detector and sodium pentathol can honestly state that they never look at an attractive woman and think about sex with her, that is your choice.

Is it reasonable? I don't know. It's your boundary, so I suppose for you it's reasonable. I wouldn't dream of telling you your choices are wrong here. It probably immediately disqualifies a lot of potentially good husbands with a robust enough sex drive to keep you happy. For those not required to take the pre-nuptial lie detector test, it is also probably encouraging a ton of lying on the part of men to pass muster.

The implicit condescension by some that a man who cannot pass this test isn't worth wasting spit on is duly noted.

Reactions: 1

oldshirt

· #57 · 7 mo ago

Diana7 said:
Amazing that many men who watch porn and lust after loads of women and imagine having sex with them has to believe that all men are exactly the same as them or must be gay. I have no idea why unless its insecurity or guilt? They must believe that all men do it so its ok in their minds. Its total nonsense and very offensive to those men who choose to live differently. Just as all women are different so are men.

I think you’re getting a little carried away here and doing your best to making it into something dirty and bad.

No one saying people are plotting to rape and pillage the village at sundown.

Some of us are saying it’s perfectly normal and natural and even healthy to see an attractive person (attractive being dependent on one’s orientation and preference) and have a fleeting moment of attraction and desire.

It doesn’t mean anyone is plotting on how to get them into bed or that they are going to try to score or cheat on their partner or anything. It means they noticed their charms and had a moment of wistful fantasy and then went back to what they were doing.

You’re getting carried away to the point of making yourself look like you are having an internal struggle within yourself that is making you lash out in judgment and condemnation of others.

It’s ok for you to have your own attractions and desires as well. It’s ok for you see an attractive, successful man (or woman) and feel a little flutter or a little more alive in your soul. That doesn’t mean you want to cheat on your husband. It doesn’t mean you want to approach this guy (or gal) and hit on him. It doesn’t mean you want to actually do anything.

It means you are alive and that you are still a living and vital woman. It’s ok to be human and have normal human feelings and responses.

That doesn’t make you any less of a faithful wife. It doesn’t make you any less of a Christian. Jesus won’t love you or accept you any less because you have a normal human reaction to another attractive human. Jesus was a man of flesh and blood and had his temptations too, he gets it.

See less See more

Reactions: 3

BeyondRepair007

· #58 · 7 mo ago

Cletus said:
Maybe we're quibbling over terms.

I am saying that biological attraction and desire are too intertwined to separate. If I see a beautiful woman on the street, it doesn't mean that I immediately start trying to concoct ways of getting her into the bedroom. It doesn't mean that I get an erection, or engage in a long fantasy about our not-for-prime-time-sexual-escapades.

It means that I might say to myself "under the right circumstances, I could see myself having sex with that woman, and enjoying it". Then definitely NOT turning around for another look, and NOT making my partner in any way aware of this fleeting thought.

Edit: I'm also pretty sure that I have no interest in mentally policing myself over decades to erase a perfectly natural and useful evolutionary thought. I'm defined by what I DO.

Maybe it is a matter of terms.

The OP's question was about how men think about a woman they meet on the street. Do they " imagine having sex with her? ". In that specific question, my answer is "No". And your comment above seems to agree with that. You don't "get an erection, or engage in a long fantasy about our not-for-prime-time-sexual-escapades." and you don't "start trying to concoct ways of getting her into the bedroom"

So we agree, at least marginally.

Anastasia6

· #59 · 7 mo ago

I didn't slog through all the comments. I know you'll get plenty that say don't worry about it and all men do it.

My husband doesn't and I wouldn't stick around if he did regular. I'm not leaving if I find him doing it once but I wouldn't tolerate it either.

I am sexually available to my husband most anytime he desires.

Reactions: 3

oldshirt

· #60 · 7 mo ago

I don’t see the issue here as whether it is ok for him to watch porn or not.

I think the real question here is whether he is even watching it AT ALL or whether she is having an issue with something that may not even be taking place.

She has not even said that he has in fact been watching it.

She’s been bugging him about it. She has been snooping through his phone for it.

And she has been having an issue that guys might think unholy thoughts when they see a good looking woman.

But she has not actually said that he has in fact been watching it.

I don’t think the concern here is whether porn is ok or not.

My concern is whether she is having some kind of emotional or relational problem for which there isn’t any actual porn viewing taking place.

See less See more

Reactions: 1

41 - 60 of 176 Posts

This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.