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Hello! I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 beautiful children together and generally have a very easy-going and loving relationship. The one thing I am not okay with is porn. To me, it is fantasizing about being with another, probably better looking woman etc. (By the way, do men do this?! Like see a woman in the street and imagine having sex with her? The things I find on forums are surprising for me :oops:) Okay sure, maybe on a rare occasion it is whatever - it would not bother me much, but the thought of it being regular is almost sickening for me. He knows I don't like it and denies watching it, I have looked in his phone a couple of times - which was always going to be fruitless given incognito mode anyway. No part of me ever wants to read messages, know his location etc. but I would 110% want to know if he watching porn and what it was. Nudity in films etc. is absolutely fine, but watching somebody have sex with a half-silicone woman and getting off to it really bothers me.

I searched this issue I have to find that it seemed uncommon... most comments addressing this were brutal and saying the concerned partner was jealous and insecure and needed therapy and their marriage was doomed... is this true? Is it so bad to be jealous?

He is mostly an honest person, unless it comes to something he knows I will be upset about - like spending too much money on something stupid etc. in that case, I have found him to withhold information from me before. Or at least play it down massively.

He was my first boyfriend and (only ever) sexual partner as an 18yo, and we were friends before that. In the time I knew him, I knew him to have several relationships and typical teenage boy habits of trying to sleep with as many girls as possible! I was very different - I partied but saved myself for somebody I could connect with. I think the insecurity stems partially from my inexperience with anyone else, and partially from how hard I am on my self-image.

Is this really such a problem, or a sign of issues within a relationship that need to be addressed?
 

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Hello! I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 beautiful children together and generally have a very easy-going and loving relationship. The one thing I am not okay with is porn. To me, it is fantasizing about being with another, probably better looking woman etc. (By the way, do men do this?! Like see a woman in the street and imagine having sex with her? The things I find on forums are surprising for me :oops:) Okay sure, maybe on a rare occasion it is whatever - it would not bother me much, but the thought of it being regular is almost sickening for me. He knows I don't like it and denies watching it, I have looked in his phone a couple of times - which was always going to be fruitless given incognito mode anyway. No part of me ever wants to read messages, know his location etc. but I would 110% want to know if he watching porn and what it was. Nudity in films etc. is absolutely fine, but watching somebody have sex with a half-silicone woman and getting off to it really bothers me.

I searched this issue I have to find that it seemed uncommon... most comments addressing this were brutal and saying the concerned partner was jealous and insecure and needed therapy and their marriage was doomed... is this true? Is it so bad to be jealous?

He is mostly an honest person, unless it comes to something he knows I will be upset about - like spending too much money on something stupid etc. in that case, I have found him to withhold information from me before. Or at least play it down massively.

He was my first boyfriend and (only ever) sexual partner as an 18yo, and we were friends before that. In the time I knew him, I knew him to have several relationships and typical teenage boy habits of trying to sleep with as many girls as possible! I was very different - I partied but saved myself for somebody I could connect with. I think the insecurity stems partially from my inexperience with anyone else, and partially from how hard I am on my self-image.

Is this really such a problem, or a sign of issues within a relationship that need to be addressed?
@LillyBird Welcome to TAM!

There's a couple of things to unpack here so bear with me.

First this: "He is mostly an honest person"

That's a problem. I understand minimizing something that will hurt your partner, but for you to be secure in your relationship you need to know that he is honest with you, in spite of any pain it may cause. In my mind, this is the biggest problem I see in your OP.

Next, about porn. Feelings across the world and here on TAM widely vary. The biggest thing I can tell you is that whatever boundary you have regarding porn needs to be communicated to your spouse and respected by your spouse. But there's no right or wrong answer. Some men or women consider viewing porn the same as infidelity while others are not bothered at all. Pick your own path, be comfortable with it, and then discuss it with your spouse.

About this: "By the way, do men do this?"
Men (I am one) widely vary in what their imaginations allow. For the most part, I do not think it's like that, and certainly, it's not like that for everyone. Some maybe.

I hope this helps. Your concerns look perfectly normal to me and the fact that your (husband? partner?) may not be respecting your wishes is troubling. You and he should discuss this openly and involve a couples counselor if you can't find agreement on the issue. But if he is only "mostly honest" then any agreement you have is going to be hard to trust.

Best wishes to you.
 

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Silicone woman, sure there is a lot of that but the some of the most popular categories are amateurs and mature, the Barbie doll porn is somewhat boring.

A lot of of men want full spectrum sex with their partner and if that is not available they watch porn far better than them having an affair.

I watch porn and before my w lost most of her sex drive following child birth she watched it as well.

It seems from reading a lot on this site that some of those who object to porn are wanting to impose their standards on others.
 

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I have a strong boundary for no porn in my marriage on my part or his, I wouldn't be with a guy who watched porn or thought in anyway it was ok. For my part its nothing to do with insecurity or jealousy, but wanting a husband who respects me and our marriage and values our intimacy. Wanting a husband who is faithful in mind as well as body.
You seem to think that he watches porn because he doesn't always tell the truth. It's hard to be married to a person who lies so it's hard to know if he is telling the truth, but you seem to have an idea that he is watching it.

The comments you have read elsewhere are probably people trying to justify their porn watching by claiming that spouses who didn't like it are insecure or jealous, nope not true. No more than those whose partners physically cheat are jealous or insecure for not liking it.
Sadly, its very common now, and that is why I have so much respect for the minority of guys who avoid it, being that with the internet anything goes now and it's so easy to find. It shows a strength of character and self-control and strong values not to go with the flow of the majority.
 

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Silicone woman, sure there is a lot of that but the some of the most popular categories are amateurs and mature, the Barbie doll porn is somewhat boring.

A lot of of men want full spectrum sex with their partner and if that is not available they watch porn far better than them having an affair.

I watch porn and before my w lost most of her sex drive following child birth she watched it as well.

It seems from reading a lot on this site that some of those who object to porn are wanting to impose their standards on others.
I would never tell anyone they shouldn't or couldn't watch it, and I don't think anyone here does that. Despite how much proven damage it causes to the watcher, the spouse, the marriage and their children, everyone is free to make such choices if they choose to. A bit like choosing to smoke or take illegal drugs when you know how much damage they do.
I would never tell a guy I was with he couldn't watch it, but I would tell him that he won't be with me if he does. His choice. If he then chooses the porn, I would know that we were very wrong for each other.
 

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You are allowed to have standards. Decide what you can live with and go from there. You can’t control someone else, you can only control yourself. He will not change, so if you feel strongly about this it will be you who has to make the move. Don’t let others make you feel like you don’t deserve to have standards, and we get the treatment we allow.
 

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So my way or the highway then.
Everyone had boundaries and standards in relationships or marriages, which is why its so important to marry someone who shares your values and boundaries.
No different from you telling your spouse that if they cheat you are out. Or if they take illegal drugs you are leaving. Or if they are abusive the marriage will end.
 

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Ask yourself what is the real reason you object to him watching porn and if that reason is due to your possible insecurities and not because you object to porn itself.
Would you feel ok if your wife was to cheat? Many see porn as cheating, and it certainly is cheating of the mind. An EA is considered cheating by most with no physical touching.
 

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Ask yourself what is the real reason you object to him watching porn and if that reason is due to your possible insecurities and not because you object to porn itself.
It's kind of the same as the reason I don't want her to sleep with others or to be a nasty person or <whatever>.

It's my choice who is in my life.
 

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Is this really such a problem, or a sign of issues within a relationship that need to be addressed?
Sometimes things are a problem if they are problem but other times things are not a problem if they’re not a problem.

In the case here I think the first question we need to ask is what exactly is the problem?

The second question that ties directly with the first question is is he actually watching porn??

If not, has he been showing any inclination that he wants to or do you have evidence that he has been on the down low?

Has he actually been sneaking off into the woodshed and sneaking a peak at silicone bodies?

Has he been watching porn and draining his tank to the point that he has no time or energy to give you the lovins you want/need?

But if after 10 years of marriage he has NOT been watching it and has shown no interest in it and you have no evidence that he has been, but yet you’re going through his phone and watching him over his shoulder and are losing sleep over it and having this much distress over it, then maybe the issue is not really porn it’s self but something going on within you that is causing you this much distress.
 

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"Cheating of the mind" wow, well I live and learn, best not let my w know I find any other woman attractive.

I would still be interested if the porn itself is an issue or is it insecurities that need to be addressed together.
 

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I would never tell a guy I was with he couldn't watch it, but I would tell him that he won't be with me if he does. His choice. If he then chooses the porn, I would know that we were very wrong for each other.
So my way or the highway then.
Actually Diana7's position on this, regarding not wanting to carry on a relationship with someone, if they want to view porn is perfectly reasonable.

So just like you, she is free to choose for herself who she will or won't consensually have relationships with, for whatever reasons she feels are best for her.
 

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"Cheating of the mind" wow, well I live and learn, best not let my w know I find any other woman attractive.

I would still be interested if the porn itself is an issue or is it insecurities that need to be addressed together.
It could be any number of reasons for not allowing porn, open relationships, or any other thing in my life.

This isn't hard to figure out.
I don't get to stamp my feet and pout because I don't get what I want.
I don't get to blame her <reasons> for her having boundaries and therefore I do what I want and justify it because <reasons>.

This is why you are being told the things you are in your own thread.
The view you have is wrong. Your understanding of interpersonal relations is wrong.
 

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. most comments addressing this were brutal and saying the concerned partner was jealous and insecure and needed therapy and their marriage was doomed... is this true? Is it so bad to be jealous?
The answer to this question lays in whether there is actually something to be jealous about or not.

If porn is against your values and sensibilities and your partner is aware of that yet actually does it behind your back and causes problems, then it is legitimate to have an issue with that and take action against that.

But if that person is not doing anything and not giving any cause for suspicion or upset and you are having distress over thinking that they might and you are having compulsive and intrusive thoughts about it for no bona fide reason, then it IS an internal insecurity.

There is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If can happen that even if someone is not cheating or not watching porn, but if their partner is behaving in controlling and jealous and hostile manner and making frequent accusations and is frequently spying on and interrogating that person,,, That behavior can cause a break down in the relationship and can destroy the relationship itself even though their partner never actually did the activity to begin with.
 

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So just like you, she is free to choose for herself who she will or won't consensually have relationships with, for whatever reasons she feels are best for her.
Couldn't agree more.

But as a public service, a wife who is not aware of how the male mind works who rejects a decent guy based on that may find herself in a no-win. For instance -

(By the way, do men do this?! Like see a woman in the street and imagine having sex with her? The things I find on forums are surprising for me :oops:) Okay sure, maybe on a rare occasion it is whatever - it would not bother me much, but the thought of it being regular is almost sickening for me.
The answer to this question is yes, almost without exception, for nearly every man from the day he reaches puberty to the day he dies. If he tells you he isn't doing it, chances are probably 9 out of 10 that he is lying to you to be kind.

If you don't like porn, then find a man who doesn't use it - it your case, ever. You may find that difficult, but not impossible. If he is otherwise respectful about it, then perhaps Dan Savage's advice is better in the long run - he lies to you and you pretend to believe him.

Having free will to make a decision is best augmented with good knowledge about the decision you're making.
 
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