[tamii]

Say you've endured, from your wife, years of temper tantrums and outbursts which typically involve verbal abuse, bullying, belittling, lots of hateful words and name-calling and even the odd physical assault (punches, slaps, etc).

Then one day you finally decide to put your foot down and say, "That's it, I've had enough, I'm leaving." and she breaks down, cries and says, "But I didn't mean it!"

Is "I didn't mean it" a good excuse?

 

[River1977]

"I didn't mean it" doesn't mean anything. It's just a ploy to make you change your mind about leaving, so they can have plenty more opportunities to do it some more......and say "I didn't mean it" again.

 

[betta]

It's not even an excuse. I told my wife when we were first married that she didn't make me do anything; that I did what I wanted to do. It's important to understand that: no one can make you do anything. She threw a fit because she wanted to. She slapped you and called you names because she was trying to manipulate you.

If I may give some advice, get out now. If you have kids, take them with you. People who abuse others "because I was angry," are abusers, and change very very slowly. They do change, mind you, it just takes years of therapy, relationship counseling, and supporting someone who will treat you and your children like emotional servants with the physical, verbal, and emotional punishments that go hand in hand with that type of authoritarian manipulation.

She is so not worth it, IMHO. It's one hell of a lot better to be alone than wish to god you were.

 

[Mavash.]

There is never a good excuse for abuse.

 

[MrK]

Straight copy and paste from a post I just made in another thread. Hope it helps here.

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Yes, abusers have a clue. that's why they cry and apologize after bad episodes. Then you take them back and nothing changes.

That above quote is partially correct. He either gets help or you "tell him" you're done. "Telling him" is more worthless talk. You set out some boundaries. Once he crosses one, SCARE THE S.H.I.T out of him. Walk out the door with your kids and make sure he knows it's over. And make sure he knows it's HIS FAULT. And it's go to go on for a LONG TIME. He needs to see that his life just crashed because of his behavior and it will NEVER come back.

I was an abuser and I knew it. But there were never any negative consequences. Believe it or not, my wife pulled away from me and I DIDN'T KNOW WHY. After a year of trying to win back the love of my life who I knew drifted away (they never tell you), I finally dragged it out of her that it was my fault. It KILLED me. Abusers don't change? I changed ON THE SPOT. I have not said ONE mean thing to her since (2 years). I have not had a scary temper tantrum since. Thank god my kids didn't give up on me. My wife did, and she's now gone for good. If she took steps to help me instead of giving up, it could be different now.

Yes, you can change him. But you have to rip his life apart to do it. There will be some short term collateral damage to your family, but you can all be stronger in the long run.

 

[costa200]

Excuses for abuse can't be put in the form of words. Real improvements in the form of actions are needed.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

No, it's not an excuse. Mine apologized often but it was followed by a "but if you'd stop making me so mad". Never accepted responsibility for his actions and he still doesn't - not in any area of his life.

Mine didn't stop and never would even after telling him it was killing our marriage. He refused MC. Finally I left. He's still the same person. But his was driven by narcissistic personality disorder and had I forced MC and gotten him diagnosed a long time ago, I would have left sooner knowing the odds he'll probably never improve or change. My ex was just as you described. You might want to read about NPD.

Mr. K, you are an exception to the rule.

 

[KathyBatesel]

My response would be, "Ok, you didn't mean the things you said. But you absolutely meant to hurt me, and it worked. And this happened dozens of times. I'm not allowing myself to tolerate people who want to hurt me any longer."

 

[Tall Average Guy]

Say you've endured, from your wife, years of temper tantrums and outbursts which typically involve verbal abuse, bullying, belittling, lots of hateful words and name-calling and even the odd physical assault (punches, slaps, etc).

Then one day you finally decide to put your foot down and say, "That's it, I've had enough, I'm leaving." and she breaks down, cries and says, "But I didn't mean it!"

Is "I didn't mean it" a good excuse?

No it is not an excuse. She needs to do a lot more.

But the bold part is on you. Just as she is responsible for her actions, so too are you responsible for yours. You chose to stick around for years and put up with this abuse. Why? What made you think this was acceptable or that you deserved it? You likely need just as much help figuring out why you put up with this for so long. I would suggest at least individual counseling for both of you.

 

[heavensangel]

Out of the mouth, the heart speaks!!!!

No there's no excuse for abusive behavior. Sorry you're having to deal with this. I agree the Tall Average Guy - IC would probably help you figure out why you've taken it all this time. And if she's serious about wanting to keep you around, I'd ask her to show it by getting C for her anger/abusive behaviors and attending MC with you.

 

[COGypsy]

"I didn't mean it" to me means that they KNOW they were behaving badly at the time and did it anyway. So no, it's no excuse at all.

 

[KathyBatesel]

"I didn't mean it" to me means that they KNOW they were behaving badly at the time and did it anyway. So no, it's no excuse at all.

I used to behave like this guy's wife and I wasn't aware of the effect it had. Someone told me I was trying to hurt them and I was shocked by the comment, which of course, led to an argument.

But after the argument, I did some thinking about what was said and had to acknowledge that yes, at the time I made such comments, my goal was to strip them of power/control, and that I did use hurt to do it even though hurting them wasn't what I believed I was doing. I don't know if this quite makes sense, but I'm spilling it because I think that she probably is not aware of her intention to hurt. Her perception of her intentions is something else, and it might not be seen by her as bad behavior until after the fact.

 

[DiZ]

Say you've endured, from your wife, years of temper tantrums and outbursts which typically involve verbal abuse, bullying, belittling, lots of hateful words and name-calling and even the odd physical assault (punches, slaps, etc).

Then one day you finally decide to put your foot down and say, "That's it, I've had enough, I'm leaving." and she breaks down, cries and says, "But I didn't mean it!"

Is "I didn't mean it" a good excuse?

No it is not an excuse. It is very immature of her to say this. Years and years of I did not mean it? I do not think so.

Do you know what I get? O I was just teasing, can't you take a joke, you are too serious, you need to lighten up. These are just ways of getting out of being in the wrong as far as I an concerned and a way of avoiding talking about problems.

 

[DiZ]

I used to behave like this guy's wife and I wasn't aware of the effect it had. Someone told me I was trying to hurt them and I was shocked by the comment, which of course, led to an argument.

But after the argument, I did some thinking about what was said and had to acknowledge that yes, at the time I made such comments, my goal was to strip them of power/control, and that I did use hurt to do it even though hurting them wasn't what I believed I was doing. I don't know if this quite makes sense, but I'm spilling it because I think that she probably is not aware of her intention to hurt. Her perception of her intentions is something else, and it might not be seen by her as bad behavior until after the fact.

Yes you do make lots of sense. The same thing happened to me. I would act badly only to realize it was my way of stripping them of control, showing my passive aggressive side, showing my insecurities. It was like hitting a brick wall. I am glad I hit it, it changed me and made me think a lot about myself.

 

[DiZ]

No, it's not an excuse. Mine apologized often but it was followed by a "but if you'd stop making me so mad". Never accepted responsibility for his actions and he still doesn't - not in any area of his life.

Mine didn't stop and never would even after telling him it was killing our marriage. He refused MC. Finally I left. He's still the same person. But his was driven by narcissistic personality disorder and had I forced MC and gotten him diagnosed a long time ago, I would have left sooner knowing the odds he'll probably never improve or change. My ex was just as you described. You might want to read about NPD.

Mr. K, you are an exception to the rule.

I was a narcissist also. If he dared to even leave the room to go check his e mail I was mad. I cringe to think of the stuff I put him through. I still have a little of it but it has greatly improved. Learning from mistakes is what life is all about.

 

[moxy]

It is NOT an acceptable excuse. However, it might really be true. Your wife might not be able to see her behavior objectively and may need counseling to get out of these bad habits of abusiveness. Additionally, you need to figure out why you have let yourself be treated this way.

You have two choices in front of you and you should think long and hard before you decide: A) leave her and find someone without such baggage, B) try to work it out, which will be hard as hell and which will only work if you are BOTH committed to change. Think about what these two paths offer you.

A) No one would fault you for simply leaving. It would be easier to leave her. You don't deserve to be treated this way. However, if you choose this route, you still have to learn how to undo your own codependent, passive behaviors that enabled this situation you are in so you don't find yourself in the same situation again.

B) If you want to work it out with her, get some good books about anger management, domestic abuse, and how to handle conflict resolution and power struggles. Get a good marriage counselor who can help you guys figure things out. Learn how to stand up for yourself and start reading about positive assertiveness and boundaries. Don't let her rug-sweep the situation in favor of having a clean slate without her cleaning up the mess because otherwise, she will revert.

Get video cameras in places where you guys are likely to have conflict. After a big fight has happened and she has calmed down, let her see what her actions look like. She may not be aware of the extent of her behavior and might need some help coming to terms with how she is treating you.

If your life is in danger, leave her.

An unrepentant abusive spouse will definitely act up again and increase intensity to level the playing field once the dust has settled. You've brought attention to the problem and now you have two options 1) deal with it so it doesn't happen again, 2) prepare for it to get way worse.