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Discussion Starter #1
I've been with my current boyfriend for one year and recently discovered he used to be addicted to porn. I'm concerned about whether or not he still is.

I found his web history on my computer (we only have 1 comp) after coming home from work a couple weeks ago-- hours of looking at TS Porn. (TS- transsexual)

I was and still am completely devastated, having had a failed marriage with a man who was also addicted to porn and caught cheating with men on craigslist.

My boyfriend had told me in the beginning of our relationship that he was appalled by porn and found it disrespectful. He claimed to agree with my feelings wholeheartedly and I truly never suspected him of this. After finding the porn and his attempt to hide it, he admitted that years ago he had a porn addiction combined with a pill addiction and after overdosing on pills, decided that both were destructive paths and no longer wanted either. He told me he was jealous that I found a job before him, felt depressed/angry and reverted to the selfish child he used to be when he did those things.

I cannot understand this mentality.. Should I be concerned that he is still addicted and struggling, which he says he isn't.
He claims he did not enjoy it but rather enjoyed "doing whatever [he] wanted" much like a rebellious kid?

He looked at it for hours, is he lying when he says he "didn't like it" just to appease me or sugarcoat his mistake?

Also, as I previously noted, it was TS porn.. I am ultra confused about this, too. He didn't look-up anything other than TS porn, and that it used to be his main and only porn of interest. I am not a TS female, but did introduce using a strap-on.. which now I cannot decide if that was a mistake. (I had no knowledge of his past fetish, just coincidental I suppose.)

I must state that while some people are okay with porn and may not see this as a problem, please understand that it is not welcome in my life, due to many other circumstances than my previous marriage, and those I have chosen to date have agreed not to view it.

My trust has been seriously violated and I cannot decide if this seems like something that can be healed, or if he is just lying
to save face and keep me around. We are not married, do I walk now or risk being hurt again..

I love him very much and we are so compatible, affectionate, have a great sex life. He even moved across the country so I could finish college at my home university. I've just been so utterly burned in the past by repeat offenders and probably would not have entered into this relationship and relaxed my guard if I knew these things. And he knows this, too.

Thank you. Please reply with any thoughts and questions.
 

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Well in addiction recovery circles...they never stop being an addict per se...the issue is: Is he still acting out? It seems like he wanted to minimize how much of a hold porn has in his life...and probably for a season he did cease acting out behavior. But like most addictions, those who relapse, generally pick up where they left off...and the graphic punch must be a bit stronger each time...possibly the reason for the TS material.

So again, if he has been downplaying it's hold in his life yet confesses repulsion with his behavior...then it shows that he probably avoiding getting help. I know there are some on these boards that say porn is not a big deal...yet the fact that a partner is unable to stop something that he knows would cause damage to his relationship, shows some degree of negative dependency.

It sounds like you aren't wanting a repeat of your ended marriage...understandably...and you are probably beside yourself as to why you have come across this AGAIN? Now, i am no sex therapist...but I am intrigued with the strap-on...do you typically find yourself the dominant in your relationships...and are attracted to less domineering men? Theories are abound concerning men with nurturance issues who did not connect with their masculinity/male initiation...leading for SOME to gravitate to submissive roles...and dab in androgyny...or confused sex roles when they are in fact heterosexual. These men are safe to many women who avoid aggression in men...yet the same men struggle with loss of power/emasculation...and use porn to imagine themselves in positions of power. Just a theory among millions of other theories.

In any case...it seems like you have a tough choice. If you want to consider making it work...then let him know it's sex addiction recovery for him (step groups, sex therapy, individual counseling)..and you ought to study up on sex addiction..perhaps codependency...or other past hurts issues. You can move on..and it would be understandable to cut your losses...none of us would hold it against you...but whatever choice...it might do you some massive good to get counseling...get healthy...and create a healthy paradigm to align yourself to other healthy relationships. If you stick it out with boyfriend...he is going to need a lot of support, patience...and he needs to take the initiative for his wellness and for your relationship. If he balks, denies, agrees but slacks off, diminishes your concerns, blames you...then it probably means he is not ready to face the issues that trigger his addiction...and if he doesn't stop, get sober, then work out core issues...then he is not healthy to be in your life.
 

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If you are no longer with your first relationship due to porn then it seems this one is headed the same way. Its really up to you, you are gonna have to put boundaries and consequences into place if you plan on staying. Bottom line, you will have to decide what you are willing and not willing to allow in your relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
Thank you, I appreciate the advice.

I understand the concept that perhaps once an addict, always an addict but I am just not entirely sure if he is still truly addicted.

There is a huge difference in his behavior compared to my exhusband who remained seriously addicted. My boyfriend is extremely apologetic, upset and embarrassed with his actions, told his friends that he hurt me and asked for their support as well. He explained to me that he has never hurt anyone else with his actions because most of his relationships had been after he stopped, but after this he could not imagine hurting himself and someone he loves again.

My ex was apologetic for a day perhaps, hated discussing the issues and blamed me for being "too oppressive" or snooping, etc.

However, I will discuss with my boyfriend that he receives help and go from there. I suppose he may deserve another chance simply from gauging his grasp on the gravity of this compared to my ex who had a decade of friendship and a marriage on the line.

And to answer FormerSelf, the question about being dominant, I generally do not believe so. I cannot verify the link between less dominant men and porn in my own relationships because my ex was very dominant but my current bf is pretty neutral, we only switch roles during sex occasionally but even then I'm not all like "who's your daddy-mamma-person!?" (lol)

Again, I appreciate all the advice a concern.
 

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...boyfriend used to be addicted to porn. -- hours of looking at TS Porn. (TS- transsexual)

had a failed marriage with a man who was also addicted to porn and caught cheating with men on craigslist...
It's not so much the porn I would be concerned about, it's the fact that both of the men in your life were into penis, and you don't have one of those.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
It's not so much the porn I would be concerned about, it's the fact that both of the men in your life were into penis, and you don't have one of those.
I've tried to figure that one out, too. Both guys are polar opposites. The only similar factor would be divorced parents and resentment towards Dad. But that's a long shot. My ex never looked at guys in any of the porn I found though, only sexual interactions with guys.. which from what I assume, is because guys are more easily available to meet with over the internet, most of his random female encounters since we split have been with women who nearly always request payment aka "roses"..

And like I said, my current boyfriend's TS thing just confuses me..
 

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Well I think that it is good that your current boyfriend seems contrite, empathetic, and somewhat not so much in denial...but just because he may not be as lost-in-it...it still does not equate with not having an addiction component...especially, again, when he is doing things he really doesn't want to do. But I think a good step is def. being able to talk with you.
 

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If he USE to be addicted to porn, and your found that, he shouldn't still be looking at it. Thats like someone saying they used to be an alcoholic, they aren't anymore but just had one drink, umm no it doesn't work that way.

It could be he just had a "slip up" or he could be headed down addiction road. If you see it again, then he is probably headed down that road. Don't do that to yourself again.
 

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Just a comment: The kind of porn doesn't matter. I went through a kick where I looked at all kinds of different types of porn just for the thrill of it. Lesbian, Trans, Fat, Group, Old, Gay, etc. I'm strongly hetero, btw.

I also know woman who love to watch Lesbian porn and yet they are hetero, to.

Just throwing that out there because it doesn't honestly matter what kind of porn. Seriously. I was on a Tranny kick for a few weeks once.
 

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Picklechips, you are in quite a pickle. Sorry that you are here. Sounds like your current BF is a sex addict, and like many sex addicts (though not your EX) feels shame and regret whenever he relapses. The problem with sex addiction is that the temptation it's always in your face. Imagine a recovered cocaine addict having to live in a house with cocaine freely available in flour jars. Well, with the internet on phones and computers and sex advertisement everywhere, it's a tough battle for sex addicts.

It's really great that he is not defensive and that he is showing remorse. I'm worried that he may try to hide his sex addiction from you in order to protect the relationship because it sounds like he really loves you. What is he doing to stay "sober"? Is he in a Twelve Steps group? What has he done to "recover"? Please share this with us!

I feel so bad for you in that you have to deal with this issue AGAIN. I can't imagine having it occur in a second relationship. Yuckkkkughh! Having been cheated on previously and having had a porn-addicted spouse before, you have every right to protect yourself now and end this relationship if you deem necessary.

That said, you also may feel it is worth fighting for. If you are inclined to work this out, I'd start by reading up on sex addict literature and determining what he has done on his own so far. And remember you are always accepting a degree of risk staying with him - though heck there is risk with everyone.

Best wishes and keep us posted.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thank you, Totallyunexpected for your insight. I do have a question though.. There is a difference between porn addict and sex addict, right? I do not get the vibe that he is addicted to sex, would ever pay for sex/actually to to hook-up with a TS. But please feel free to explain!

We have spoken at length, again, because I've actually found myself a lot more depressed over the weekend.
I did some more searching into the login name he used to sign-up for a website when he slipped up, looking at TS "mods" for Skyrim (Great, now one of my favorite games is a trigger!) and found it used on another website with a login date set early into our relationship and confronted him. He admitted he did also do it once early in our relationship, but at that time he wasn't aware of how much hurt it would cause me. Of course I'm not accepting excuses.

I demanded he seek some sort of help. He continued to say he could never hurt me like that again, to which I asked, "could you have ever seen yourself hurting me like this 3 months ago?" He agreed. I explained that an addiction is something he may feel great shame about but in weak moments the shame may be overridden. He wants help, and I truly believe he is capable of never hurting me like that again with the right support. I found a lot of resources online but everything I found in the way of counseling costs more money than we can afford right now.

If anyone has any ideas I'm definitely open! Or any good sites I may not find easily.

Oh and mablenc, thank you for the link, I actually previously read that thread when this all happened!
 

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Thank you, Totallyunexpected for your insight. I do have a question though.. There is a difference between porn addict and sex addict, right? I do not get the vibe that he is addicted to sex, would ever pay for sex/actually to to hook-up with a TS. But please feel free to explain!

We have spoken at length, again, because I've actually found myself a lot more depressed over the weekend.
I did some more searching into the login name he used to sign-up for a website when he slipped up, looking at TS "mods" for Skyrim (Great, now one of my favorite games is a trigger!) and found it used on another website with a login date set early into our relationship and confronted him. He admitted he did also do it once early in our relationship, but at that time he wasn't aware of how much hurt it would cause me. Of course I'm not accepting excuses.

I demanded he seek some sort of help. He continued to say he could never hurt me like that again, to which I asked, "could you have ever seen yourself hurting me like this 3 months ago?" He agreed. I explained that an addiction is something he may feel great shame about but in weak moments the shame may be overridden. He wants help, and I truly believe he is capable of never hurting me like that again with the right support. I found a lot of resources online but everything I found in the way of counseling costs more money than we can afford right now.

If anyone has any ideas I'm definitely open! Or any good sites I may not find easily.

Oh and mablenc, thank you for the link, I actually previously read that thread when this all happened!
I'm not really sure on the difference between a porn addict and a sex addict. In English the term "addict" is thrown around loosely. However, I think a porn addict (someone who cannot control his/her use of porn even when it is ruining their life, work, relationships) can transition into real life sex addict. That's what happened with my husband. Well, he actually didn't have sex with prostitutes (I think, but will never know for sure), but he was on the backpages and even began calling prostitutes and visiting strip clubs. I would never have imagined this before. I knew he liked porn before, but this!?

Now to you... No matter whether it is "just" porn at this stage or could be more (eventually), the key is that he seems unable to control the behavior. Worse, he has yet to truly come to terms with what that means. He is making promises which he can't keep - at least not without help. Which is what got you in this miserable place to begin with.

I'm concerned that YOU are the one researching what to do and trying to get him help. It is HIS job. He should be PROVING himself to you! That said, a lot of people with addictions of any sort underestimate them until their lives are torn apart and they hit rock bottom.

Another warning sign: he proclaimed his disgust and opposition to porn while still using it and then hiding it from you. That's a really awful mixture for someone who has a history of dealing with such abuse previously.

Porn is not bad in and of itself. But lies and secrecy are. Moreover, you have already been hurt by it when it got out of control. In the end, you choose whether to gamble your heart. Remember, you guys have only been together for one year. You are still in the head over heels stage. This issue will only get way worse (based on the info you've provided) if not addressed seriously.

I just don't want you to go through heartbreak again, especially when you get these warning signs now (relatively early on) to protect you! Best wishes and hang in there. Begin to imagine (if you will allow yourself to) a future without him. Just as a thought experiment in order to protect your heart!
 

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Discussion Starter #15
People just leave threads hanging with no results. So what happened here?
Sorry, this all happened the day I began my new job so since then I've been ridiculously busy.

The end result: I'm living with it. We're still together. Some other things have been revealed. Other old accounts, etc.

My boyfriend always told me he hates himself and I never understood why. I have much more insight now. I've seen him physically break down since then, punching himself in the face repeatedly and being incredibly self-destructive. I honestly believe this incident was in part due to his severe self-loathing. He claimed his joblessness, jealously and hatred enabled him to revert back into a mentality that he despises, with the thought process "I'm a piece of ****, I've always been a piece of ****.. so I'm going to act like one."

He has looked into online help, different forums, etc. and genuinely seems to understand that his unhealthy general destructive attitude is now much bigger, and hurts more people than just himself.

It's hard. It hurts a lot. I don't feel the same way I did about him but I'm willing to help him work on loving himself and rebuilding our relationship.

Thank you, everyone.
 

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Sorry, this all happened the day I began my new job so since then I've been ridiculously busy.

The end result: I'm living with it. We're still together. Some other things have been revealed. Other old accounts, etc.

My boyfriend always told me he hates himself and I never understood why. I have much more insight now. I've seen him physically break down since then, punching himself in the face repeatedly and being incredibly self-destructive. I honestly believe this incident was in part due to his severe self-loathing. He claimed his joblessness, jealously and hatred enabled him to revert back into a mentality that he despises, with the thought process "I'm a piece of ****, I've always been a piece of ****.. so I'm going to act like one."

He has looked into online help, different forums, etc. and genuinely seems to understand that his unhealthy general destructive attitude is now much bigger, and hurts more people than just himself.

It's hard. It hurts a lot. I don't feel the same way I did about him but I'm willing to help him work on loving himself and rebuilding our relationship.

Thank you, everyone.
You can always direct him here! There are men on this forum who have struggled with the same. They may be able to help him
 
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