Is he flat clueless?!?!

3454 Views 38 Replies 18 Participants Last post by Cre8ify, Nov 7, 2012

questionme2

Discussion Starter · Oct 25, 2012

My husband and I have been struggling. We even discusses separating again. Since then I think we've both been working hard. But he keeps slipping. His issue is he not tuned in to problems in daily life and cold in tough times. We went through therapy. I was told to stop enabling. So it is not going so well. I'm at my wits end. Today is case in point.

Our part time nanny called me and asked if our son could go for an hour of after school care because she was going to be late. I called the teacher and got it situated and then called my husband and told him. He would be home first.. From work. So I get a text from my husband at 5:30 telling me he went to the school to pick up our son and discord he had already been picked up. I texted back... Yes. She was only going to be an hour late. So he tells me "I didn't realize..". Etc. I let that go. This was 5:30. Then I find out at 7 o'clock he's still not home. I ask why... He said he had to go to the cleaners and get gas. I asked why he couldn't have taken our son so we didn't have to pay for an extra two hours of nanny. He said I didn't want him to have to sit in traffic. (he's 6).

I let that go... Then I check my voicemail and discover a vm from my son's school saying they never received tuition payment and it's all due on demand because we have lost our monthly option due to lack of payment. This was something I delegated to my husband because he needed to start helping me. Now you see why I have to do everything??

I can't take anymore?!? Am I overreacting!
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YinPrincess

· #2 · Oct 25, 2012

It kind of seems like he may be passive-aggressive... I totally get your frustration... My husband is the same way.

Or, he could just be air-headed. That happens to the best of us. But my vote is passive-aggressive...
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KathyBatesel

· #3 · Oct 25, 2012

He may be passive-aggressive, but it could also be that he simply has poor attention skills. Would he be willing to take an online quiz that would help you figure out if it *is* attention or not? Self Tests by Psychology Today

If it's his attention span, talking to a doctor may help. If it's not his attention, then dealing with passive-aggression may be the way to go.

Cre8ify

· #4 · Oct 25, 2012

You're not exactly asking him to step in for you and land the space shuttle. Get a payment to the school already, its kind of important to your son! I would agree with other posters that it would more likely be some sort of passive/aggressive issue for him to ignore what you asked of him.

The idea that he doesn't have the attention span or doesn't have the capability to execute a modest responsibility seems bizarre and far too broad a catch-all excuse. Also, if its all on the line and the relationship is at stake you would imagine he could dig deep to hold up his part. I think he is tweaking you and somehow revolting against the new division of labor.

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Chelle D

· #5 · Oct 27, 2012

He's an ass. Or he's clueless.

Make HIM call the school & work out a payment plan . Make HIM admit that it was his fault. Make HIM apologize to your son about not wanting to take him along to do chores. Sorry, The kid should be Ecstatic to spend time with dad joking & singing in car & talking about school with him. Tell him all that the kid missed out on... and that he missed out on time with his kid.

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KathyBatesel

· #6 · Oct 27, 2012

Chelle D said:
He's an ass. Or he's clueless.

Make HIM call the school & work out a payment plan . Make HIM admit that it was his fault. Make HIM apologize to your son about not wanting to take him along to do chores. Sorry, The kid should be Ecstatic to spend time with dad joking & singing in car & talking about school with him. Tell him all that the kid missed out on... and that he missed out on time with his kid.

This won't work. She will only make their problems worse if she continues to take responsibility for stuff, and "making him" follow through is still taking responsibility.

Attention span might sound like a general/catchall term, but there's a good reason for checking it. If he has attention span issues (ADD or ADHD) then he may benefit from medication.

questionme2

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 27, 2012

He doesn't have ADHD. He went through counseling with me. Basically he just says he has a bad memory and the therapist told him to work on it.

These kinds of things happen all the time. For example, he told me last night that We had to bring the snacks for the soccer team today. We have a friend staying in town. So, he said he would get up in the morning and get the snacks while I entertained our guest. I said great! So he came home from the store and told me that he forgot the snacks. Only got the drinks. He
asked me and our guest to go to the store and get the snacks while he showers. Then my mom called and told me my grandfather was about to take his last breathe and told me to say goodbye to him over the phone. I was shell shocked. So I did... And then got off the phone gathered my thoughts and got ready for the store and soccer.

So me and our guest left for the store and my husband went to the game with our son. He started texting me saying "where are you?". "it's almost half time!". We were hurrying!

Then he texted "we need the snacks now!!!!". So I respond and say we are parking...

As soon as I say that he texts back "false alarm. You aren't late".

We literally almost got into an accident trying to get there FOR HIM!

And oh yeah... My grandfather died. It's like WTF!?!??

I'm just angry.

KathyBatesel said:
This won't work. She will only make their problems worse if she continues to take responsibility for stuff, and "making him" follow through is still taking responsibility.

Attention span might sound like a general/catchall term, but there's a good reason for checking it. If he has attention span issues (ADD or ADHD) then he may benefit from medication.

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YinPrincess

· #8 · Oct 27, 2012

I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather... My condolences to you and your family...
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warlock07

· #9 · Oct 27, 2012

Your husband seems to be incompetent on so many levels.

And I hopped your nipped your thoughts of bringing a 3rd party into the marriage in the bud

questionme2

Discussion Starter · #10 · Oct 27, 2012

You mean having an affair? Yes. I have avoided it, fortunately. But, I must admit that i
I wonder if I would ever be happy with a partner. No doubt my husband is driving me crazy.
But would divorcing and finding someone else ... Be better?

warlock07 said:
Your husband seems to be incompetent on so many levels.

And I hopped your nipped your thoughts of bringing a 3rd party into the marriage in the bud

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CrazyGuy

· #11 · Oct 27, 2012

questionme2 said:
I must admit that I wonder if I would ever be happy with a partner. No doubt my husband is driving me crazy.
But would divorcing and finding someone else ... Be better?

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That is a question I have been asking myself. Seems like just some time away would help clarify what direction to go. I would just like some piece without all the crazy side shows that my wife makes us go through for no apparent reason. It sucks when the most simple task is made complex. But I have a child so I know what ever I do my wife will still make my life complex.

tm84

· #12 · Oct 27, 2012

So sorry for the loss of your grandfather and for the troubles that you are having with your husband. I don't have much to add beyond what some of the others have noted about his having a short attention span or just plain being passive-agressive. If his memory is that bad, why doesn't he make notes for himself?

I don't know your back-story, but really, to me, it sounds like he just doesn't care about making the marriage better and is laying everything at your feet. From what I understand from this post, if you've already been through counseling and these issues are continuing, then maybe separating/divorce might be your next best step.

Runs like Dog

· #13 · Oct 27, 2012

There's something going on behind that. Gambling?

questionme2

Discussion Starter · #14 · Oct 28, 2012

No no... Gambling. He really is quite reserved. Never goes out. Hermit.. Outside of family activities.

Runs like Dog said:
There's something going on behind that. Gambling?

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Runs like Dog

· #15 · Oct 28, 2012

questionme2 said:
No no... Gambling. He really is quite reserved. Never goes out. Hermit.. Outside of family activities.

Yet he seems to have long stretches of time unaccounted for and nowhere to be found and money isn't getting sent to the right people at the right time.

Shiksa

· #16 · Oct 28, 2012

So what was the consequence of him forgetting the snacks for soccer? NOTHING. You took care of it. Then he sent you in a tizzy cause he thought YOU were late with the snacks.

Like I used to be, you need to learn the word, NO!! The soccer doesn't have snacks, bummer. Please refer all inquiries to my husband... You would not have been letting the team down, HE would have. You are a rescue rabbit.

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Chelle D

· #17 · Oct 28, 2012

Make sure he knows how much of an ass he was about the snacks that HE forgot... and that you were picking up...

He tried to coerce you, because he didn't know you were parking... so he texted you that you were late with the snacks. Then you said you were there... bingo "Oh false alarm, you aren't late". He was being very manipulative trying to get you there earlier so that he wouldn't have to take the blame for not bringing snacks.

Make sure he knows that you had to take a personal phone call about your grandfather... and sorry that your grandfather didn't check with him if the timing was okay with your hubby before he died. (Well, that's what I would have said to him if he was still being an ass after the soccer game.)

Sorry, but your husband is more than just clueless. Seems like you keep rescuing him & not making him take responsibility, so he thinks it's okay to be a "forgetful" lazy self pleasing, self centered ass.

You deserve to be appreciated more than he is giving you credit for.

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questionme2

Discussion Starter · #18 · Oct 28, 2012

When I question him or make sure he knows I'm upset... He shuts down. Turns into a total jerk. Won't speak to me... Cold etc. so I rarely even say anything anymore. It's just not worth it. And I shouldn't have enabled him... By getting the snacks. But I was so upset and trying to keep it together (hearing about my grandfather) that I just did as I was asked.

It is tough trying to keep up with him ...

Chelle D said:
Make sure he knows how much of an ass he was about the snacks that HE forgot... and that you were picking up...

He tried to coerce you, because he didn't know you were parking... so he texted you that you were late with the snacks. Then you said you were there... bingo "Oh false alarm, you aren't late". He was being very manipulative trying to get you there earlier so that he wouldn't have to take the blame for not bringing snacks.

Make sure he knows that you had to take a personal phone call about your grandfather... and sorry that your grandfather didn't check with him if the timing was okay with your hubby before he died. (Well, that's what I would have said to him if he was still being an ass after the soccer game.)

Sorry, but your husband is more than just clueless. Seems like you keep rescuing him & not making him take responsibility, so he thinks it's okay to be a "forgetful" lazy self pleasing, self centered ass.

You deserve to be appreciated more than he is giving you credit for.

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MrsOldNews

· #19 · Oct 28, 2012

What is the benefit of staying with him? And does it truly outweigh all his faults?

questionme2

Discussion Starter · #20 · Oct 28, 2012

Well he has his assets too. He is a decent father. He works hard at his job. But he is very rigid. We rarely have sex and when we do he's extremely selfish. However it is all about perspective I suppose... He doesn't cheat or beat me.

But he just doesn't want more in life... He Lways looks to me to make more money or achieve more. He always has his hand out...

MrsOldNews said:
What is the benefit of staying with him? And does it truly outweigh all his faults?

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