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Yeah nah. This is SO inappropriate I can't even. WOW.

Yes, these women are way out of line, but keep your eye on the ball - your husband is the real skank here. He's a married man, he committed to you, HE is the one doing the wrong thing.

Were I in your shoes, I would make it clear in no uncertain terms that I am NOT prepared to stay married to someone, who behaves this way. If his immediate reaction wasn't "I'm so sorry, I'll cut off all contact with them as of now, I'm a ****, I can't believe I was so ****ing stupid" I'd be "BUH BYE".

It's fine for men and women to be friends. Opposite sex friends have different boundaries though, obviously. Any friendship though, opposite or not, that excludes a spouse is a no go. Absolutely not.
 

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Here are all the behaviors on their own I find unacceptable:
1. Being friends with addicts.
2. Being friends with prior eff buddies
3. Talking on the phone for hours with any female that doesn’t share DNA.(even then hours?)
4. Going to a female’s house to “hang out”, alone.
5. Keeping ANY friend that talks crap about me and tries to sabotage my relationship
6. Giving money to hoes
7. When I express my concern that they are *****es he says “I don’t control them” a.k.a. “It’s not my fault I pick crappy people to hang out with!!!“
8. When I express anger and confront the hoes for disrespecting me (since he is too limp to stand up for his woman) he says “wahhhhh, you’re ruining my good time with my hoes! I’ll just not have you around with your anger problem.”

And every single one is crappy, But put together... hell no.

He sounds like he is 16 years old. What sort of things does he do that make up for this behavior out of curiosity?
 

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Jee whiz your H knows some crappy people. This is a major red flag on many levels. So this is the guy that was "nice" to girls he had crushes on and now likes having them in his orbit. I would never stand for this. No way. You need to give him some very hard choices.

Either these ladies are going to continue to bleed your FAMILY money dry, or one of these times he is going to break down and have sex with one of them.
Actually, those women may be crappy, or they may just be broken and hanging on to the only apparently normal person (or human ATM) that they know.

In my opinion the only really crappy person in all of this is the husband of @drt09.

He doesn't show his wife any respect, he doesn't take his marriage vows seriously.
 

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Like I dont think want to be the jealous wife and try to control his friendships(no matter how bad they are) but why doesn't my husband let these women go?! They didn't want him then but now that he's married and they are miserable they want him now?! Is he getting an ego boost? What should I do? Leave these women alone or confront all of them?
So your husband is spending hours on the phone AND spending time over at his old girlfriend's / "friend's" house, playing Captain Save a Ho, is that it?

You'd look like a desperate fool going to these women and telling them to stay away from your husband when it's your husband who is your problem. He clearly DOESN'T RESPECT YOU enough to stop doing what he's doing, so why on earth are you blaming the women for HIS **** behavior?

Don't be so sure that your nerdy husband isn't making up for lost time when he's over at the one woman's place because it's pretty clear he's emotionally involved with her and is getting off on all the attention she's giving him that he wasn't getting from her back when he was one of her orbiters. I wouldn't put anything past him at this point - if he's willing to completely disrespect you and make this woman his priority no matter HOW you feel about it, wouldn't it be a bit naive to assume he's suddenly going to have morals and integrity and not jump in bed with her? I mean, come on.

She's using every tool she's got in her shed to keep him around, providing her with money and support and probably helping her with manly things she needs done around the house, etc. Don't be naive, OP. He's LOVING the KISA role and the ego strokes with her constant bullcrap about how he was the one who 'got away.'

..why is she asking a married man that question?! Why doesn't my husband shut it down?!
Come on. You really don't know?

Your husband doesn't shut it down because he doesn't want to and doesn't respect YOU enough to stop his inappropriate behavior. When people don't want to stop doing something, it's usually because they don't want to lose what they're getting from it. I think even a blind man can see what he's getting from the one woman.
 

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This is gonna be long:
Before I met my husband he was "the nerd that always got friend zoned". Women liked him but they were still in their "bad boy phase" and my husband was just not what they were looking for however they stayed friends. Years later he's now married to me and it seems like after series of crappy guys, being left single mothers and drug addictions here they come. They aren't the problem though...its my husband and how he treats these relationships. He has three main female friends that sometimes I wonder about:
1. She was the first friend he met when he moved to where we live 10 years ago. They tried dating but again my husband was "boring" so they broke up after 6 months. After a month of being single my husband started dating me. She texted him hurt asking if "they had a future"...he showed me i cursed her out(I have a bit of an anger problem). We haven't heard from her in years until she contacted him a year ago apologizing to me and him for her behavior. Saying that he was "the one that got away" and accepts that. However she doesn't want to speak with me at all. And now everytime she contacts him its for money for her drug habit(long story but she wasn't an addict when they were dating). He asks me and I've agreed to give her money a couple times but stopped after a while but she won't stop asking! Its making think my husband may be giving her money on the side without telling me
2. He liked this girl in HS however again he was too nerdy. She married some hood dude had two kids and je left her. I knew they were friends but what I didnt know until years into our relationship is that my husband and I her had sex and he got her pregnant. He paid for the abortion. NOW he claims he doesn't want her but he will call her for hours on end. He's gone to her house a couple times. I want to trust my husband but its just this feeling. He refuses to let me speak to her(my anger problem). Also she keeps asking 'why not me"(we look similar)...
why is she asking a married man that question?! Why doesn't my husband shut it down?!
3. This woman is VILE. She has stolen from my husband, used his SSN without his permission and called me his "fat wife'(I cursed her out as well). Shes apologized for all of it BUT she's constantly being disrespectful but my husband just will NOT stop talking to her! It doesn't matter what she does. I told him to please stick up for me around her he just says "well I can't control her'...then I end up cursing her out again.

Like I dont think want to be the jealous wife and try to control his friendships(no matter how bad they are) but why doesn't my husband let these women go?! They didn't want him then but now that he's married and they are miserable they want him now?! Is he getting an ego boost? What should I do? Leave these women alone or confront all of them?

My goodness, what kind of people is your husband consorting with, this is not going to end well. You need to nip this in the bud immediately and tell him calmly that this is not good for your marriage. If he refuses to cut contact or going around to that woman's house for example, then you simply do the 180, go see a lawyer, I say this cause he needs a major 'come to Jesus moment.' You can always decide to withdraw filing but let him know you mean business. Do you have kids?
 

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And it doesn't matter if they're not married to me. Its common decency, you're not gonna be calling me out of my name and not hear from me especially when I've done nothing to you. They haven't done it again, at least not to my face.
I've talked to him multiple times about it. I get the "you're overreacting/mean so ill just keep them away" speech.
But this is where you are wrong, these women owe you absolutely nothing. Your husband owes you respect and should protect his marriage, he is the one who you should be going after. The other skanks are not the issue, he is and his actions are.
 

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This is gonna be long:
Before I met my husband he was "the nerd that always got friend zoned". Women liked him but they were still in their "bad boy phase" and my husband was just not what they were looking for however they stayed friends. Years later he's now married to me and it seems like after series of crappy guys, being left single mothers and drug addictions here they come. They aren't the problem though...its my husband and how he treats these relationships. He has three main female friends that sometimes I wonder about:
1. She was the first friend he met when he moved to where we live 10 years ago. They tried dating but again my husband was "boring" so they broke up after 6 months. After a month of being single my husband started dating me. She texted him hurt asking if "they had a future"...he showed me i cursed her out(I have a bit of an anger problem). We haven't heard from her in years until she contacted him a year ago apologizing to me and him for her behavior. Saying that he was "the one that got away" and accepts that. However she doesn't want to speak with me at all. And now everytime she contacts him its for money for her drug habit(long story but she wasn't an addict when they were dating). He asks me and I've agreed to give her money a couple times but stopped after a while but she won't stop asking! Its making think my husband may be giving her money on the side without telling me
2. He liked this girl in HS however again he was too nerdy. She married some hood dude had two kids and je left her. I knew they were friends but what I didnt know until years into our relationship is that my husband and I her had sex and he got her pregnant. He paid for the abortion. NOW he claims he doesn't want her but he will call her for hours on end. He's gone to her house a couple times. I want to trust my husband but its just this feeling. He refuses to let me speak to her(my anger problem). Also she keeps asking 'why not me"(we look similar)...
why is she asking a married man that question?! Why doesn't my husband shut it down?!
3. This woman is VILE. She has stolen from my husband, used his SSN without his permission and called me his "fat wife'(I cursed her out as well). Shes apologized for all of it BUT she's constantly being disrespectful but my husband just will NOT stop talking to her! It doesn't matter what she does. I told him to please stick up for me around her he just says "well I can't control her'...then I end up cursing her out again.

Like I dont think want to be the jealous wife and try to control his friendships(no matter how bad they are) but why doesn't my husband let these women go?! They didn't want him then but now that he's married and they are miserable they want him now?! Is he getting an ego boost? What should I do? Leave these women alone or confront all of them?
Your man was socially inept back then, and he is still socially inept today.

The nerd in him has no frakking idea when he's being played.

I do not envy your position of having to wait for him get a clue.
 

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Your man was socially inept back then, and he is still socially inept today.

The nerd in him has no frakking idea when he's being played.

I do not envy your position of having to wait for him get a clue.
He might be aware he is being played but the boost to his ego (tasty, yummy ego kibbles!) more than compensates for that.
 

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Actually, those women may be crappy, or they may just be broken and hanging on to the only apparently normal person (or human ATM) that they know.

In my opinion the only really crappy person in all of this is the husband of @drt09.

He doesn't show his wife any respect, he doesn't take his marriage vows seriously.
I agree with all of this. I also bolded what I thought was a factor in your post.

They see him as an ATM.
They see him as someone who will listen to their woes without much judgement.
They see him as someone who seems to care and is not obviously after what is under their bra and between their legs.

Others have rightly pointed out that he is now that likeable rooster, no longer the dull cluck.
Or, so this husband thinks.

The women have found themselves in a desperate spot and any man now seems better than the ones they are presently stuck with.

He is that rope that (they feel) can pull them out of despair.
That same rope will eventually hang him by his self-indulged balls.



Gwendolyn-
 

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@drt09 -- you have two other discussions going on simultaneously with this one, and they are illuminating. Assuming all three threads are for real, your whole situation with this guy sounds pretty messed up: due to a screwup by the officiant, it turns out that you are not legally married, and he can't be bothered to follow through with the paperwork necessary to remedy that, but he is desperate for a baby (from Hey All, I'm Just Confused), he is demanding (and you are capitulating to his demands) for sex 10 or 12 times a week (from Too Much Sex), and here you are worried that maybe he is cheating with "friends."

You have no kids yet, you are not actually married, you have a significant incompatibility, and he doesn't respect you -- what is left? Why are you still in this relationship?
 

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I would be shocked if the word "harem" hasn't been floating around his head. If you are looking for a committed monogamous relationship, I doubt that you're going to find it here.

Having been the nerd, let me see if I can put myself in his place a little bit. His ego spent many years being beat down which probably led to a certain amount of insecurity. He might be compensating / have compensated with a personal reassuring mantra ("I'm worthwhile because ...") which the helping of "friends" could be a part of. The sex all the time is likely a symptom of that as well (making up for lost time, proving manliness, etc). He would have probably felt looked down on in the past because of the rejection / getting dumped and now the power balance has flipped. He gets a little power trip and ego boost every time he helps them or hears that he was the one that got away.

He's co-dependent with at least three other women. Are there other co-dependent aspects to your relationship, too?

Whether you stay with him or not, he probably needs individual counseling since he's holding so tightly to so many negative relationships.
 

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Thanks to the poster who pointed out that you have a thread stating you aren’t legally married and your husband doesn’t want to fix that (it’s a good idea to keep all your story on one thread).

It makes more sense now that the man who isn’t legally married has several ex-crush “friends” he won’t give up. Yes, I would say he’s cheating. Maybe he doesn’t see it as adultery since your marriage isn’t legal. Or maybe he’s actually auditioning for a legal wife now that he has another shot at it. He’s the only one who knows for sure.

You’re better off moving on.
 

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It sounds like that your spouse never got the attention from women growing up, so now when they give it to him he leaps forward to get involved into their lives. Unfortunately, it seems that the women you've listed are toxic or were previously that way. If anything they will ruin y'all's relationship as he has previously been intimate with one if not two of them before, they have big problems in their own lives, one has a drug issue, etc. . All those things will take time and attention from the both of y'all. I do not think it has anything to do with jealousy, but more so you just care for him and your relationship. While I've never been a fan of ultimatums myself, if it was me, I'd go the "me or them" route, or just seek counseling and voice your opinions to the Dr. as I think they would be reasonable in asking him what the hell is his problem. Regardless, I'm no pro. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.
 

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I dont mind him having female friends because I can have male friends. Unfortunately all my male friends I had to get rid of or they stopped talking to me because I'm married now and the chances of sleeping with me is gone. Its heartbreaking but it is what it is.
I want him to confront them but he seems not to want to damage these crappy one sided friendships
You've got to remember these relationships are your Hs to navigate, realize they aren't mature responsible married male friendships to have,and set aside.

If he does or doesn't set them aside it's your responsibility to assess his actions and convey clearly to him your position.

And it would be absolutely correct, normal, and expected for him to break all contact with those female persons.

He's enjoying the attention. That's all it comes down to.
 

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Discussion Starter #38
My goodness, what kind of people is your husband consorting with, this is not going to end well. You need to nip this in the bud immediately and tell him calmly that this is not good for your marriage. If he refuses to cut contact or going around to that woman's house for example, then you simply do the 180, go see a lawyer, I say this cause he needs a major 'come to Jesus moment.' You can always decide to withdraw filing but let him know you mean business. Do you have kids?
We do not. He wants kids desperately but I'm scared. Kids will have us tired together forever and at this point idk if this marriage is gonna work.
 

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Discussion Starter #39
@drt09 -- you have two other discussions going on simultaneously with this one, and they are illuminating. Assuming all three threads are for real, your whole situation with this guy sounds pretty messed up: due to a screwup by the officiant, it turns out that you are not legally married, and he can't be bothered to follow through with the paperwork necessary to remedy that, but he is desperate for a baby (from Hey All, I'm Just Confused), he is demanding (and you are capitulating to his demands) for sex 10 or 12 times a week (from Too Much Sex), and here you are worried that maybe he is cheating with "friends."

You have no kids yet, you are not actually married, you have a significant incompatibility, and he doesn't respect you -- what is left? Why are you still in this relationship?
They're all real. At this point I really don't think anyone can't make my life up. What's left? Hm I guess love(at least on my part), security he's a good provider and we have a lot in common the main reason I fell for him is that we could sit and laugh for HOURS. Never get tired of talking. Idk if I missed the signs or what but I NEVER thought I would be on a forum complaining about him.
 

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I dont mind him having female friends because I can have male friends. Unfortunately all my male friends I had to get rid of or they stopped talking to me because I'm married now and the chances of sleeping with me is gone. Its heartbreaking but it is what it is.
I want him to confront them but he seems not to want to damage these crappy one sided friendships
OMG. Is that really how you feel right now? That's a really big deal. How would you feel if you knew your husband was heartbroken over women he couldn't see?

I think both of you have some extreme boundary issues to deal with. He shouldn't be around those semi-ex's... AT ALL... and you shouldn't feel heartbroken about past guys you can't sleep with. You know about his issues, but does he know about yours? Which brings up privacy issues as well.

The clock is running on your marriage. You're young; if things don't work out, you can start over. But you gotta figure this stuff out, quickly. Insecurity is going to destroy both of you.
 
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