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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I caught my husband in an EA. Don't know if it ever became a PA. We went to counseling and had probably one of the only truly honest discussions about our marriage afterwards. He told me that he loves me but has no romantic feelings for me. He still wants to stay married for the children. I responded by saying that a true marriage must involve romantic feelings and I didn't want to waste years in a marriage that didn't. He basically said he would fake it then, if that's what would it would take. I was upfront and reiterated that it was unfair to trap both of us in a marriage of falsehood. He said he understood and needed time to think things over. Ever since, he has been the ideal husband and father - a complete 180 from how he was before the EA. But this new affectionate, caring, doting husband and father side is only serving to confuse me. How do I know if he is faking it or sincere?
 

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Anyone can put on an act, especially when things are going well. I believe a person's true character is revealed during a crisis. What happens if you get sick, make him angry, lose your job, etc? Also, how would he behave in your absence if you had to go out of town for a few days? You caught him "in" an EA. He didn't come to you all racked with guilt and reveal it to you. I would suspect all that "sticking around for the kids but no romantic feelings for you" suggests at the time he said it, he still intended to sneak around with this other woman. It's like saying, "ok, you caught me, my body will be here but my heart will be somewhere else." Wonder what would happen if you offered him a divorce without child support, loss of retirement, etc, basically give him a free walk out the door with liberal child visitation. If he was sincere about wanting to make it work, he wouldn't take such a deal. If he's staying just because he feels trapped, he might take the bait.
 

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I don't reckon you could fake it for ages. IMO it would become apparent at some point. I know I couldn't do it with the romantic feelings, though those of a pleasant companionship could easily be maintained, if you enjoy someone's company without feeling romantically towards them.

Though I suppose it's not unheard of. My feeling is that as his wife you would work it out if he was being genuine eventually.

ETA - Are you okay with him doing that anyway?
 

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I don't understand your confusion about his sincerity.

He tells you he intends to "fake it" to give you the intimacy you want.
He then starts being intimate the way you want.
You wonder if this new intimacy is sincere.

HE TOLD YOU HE ISN'T SINCERE and you still wonder if he's sincere.

You're walking into delusion territory.
I advise you take a step back and look at the situation as rationally as you can.
 

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How do I know if he is faking it or sincere?
Because in "the only truly honest discussion about (y)our marriage" he flat-out TOLD YOU he was going to fake it!

Did you think he'd do a crappy job of faking it? No, he's going to show you that 'you won't know the difference', but in your heart, you DO.

He doesn't have romantic love for you, but he is willing to hang around and waste your life because of the kids. Does that mean when they're grown and out of the house he can dump you with impunity? Only then, you'll be a lot older and a lot more hurt (mostly with yourself for believing his BS).

He wants to stay for the kids. Sounds laudable, but kids KNOW when something is wrong...they're not stupid! Are you sure he's not staying because HE doesn't want to miss being with his kids 7days/week...and he's willing to dupe YOU to do that?!?

Nice guy, that sounds lovely!

Now, go back and re-read Tacoma's response and then this one again. It's CRYSTAL CLEAR! Take him at his word, he's a big boy...he says what he means. Be a big girl...believe him!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks, everyone. I guess my heart wants to believe he is sincere even though my brain is telling me to leave. It was when he told me he doesn't know what he wants and needs time to think about things that I let my guard down and continued to hope for the best. I definitely do not want to stay only to be dumped in another 15 years and find out all those years were wasted when I could have found someone else who was truly in love with me. Of course, my mom instinct is to guard the children from hurt too, but it will be more hurtful to them to find out their dad was faking it all their lives.

Any suggestions on how to handle the matter with him? Since he is faking it, won't he just continue to deny it to string me along?
 

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Accept that we can never know the minds of others. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out others thoughts and behaviors.

Instead accept what you do know and act accordingly. Act do not react. If you wish your life to be a certain way then begin action toward those ends.

If your husband tells you he is being sincere and is not then ultimately he is living a lie and this will be his undoing.

Create what is possible with what you have where you are. Be concerned less with his actions and more concerned with your own. You are allowing yourself to be strung along. Release this collar of your own doubt and you will be free.
 

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I think he is a cruel jerk to say he would fake anything.

Has he gone full NC?

How long has it been? he will need to go through withdrawal.

The thing is that people can fall back into love if they choose to.

This all said he sounds like an @$$hole to me. He had the affair he should spend the rest of his life making it up to you. This feels like he is blame shifting.
 

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Well, you KNOW you can't believe anything he says...he's a LIAR; an admitted liar, and a cheater.

What do you have left? How will you EVER trust him again?

  1. Didn't he lie to this OW and string her along to get what he wanted from her?
  2. You KNOW he lied to YOU about the affair.
  3. He has ADMITTED he will CONTINUE to LIE TO YOU to get what HE WANTS!
That's pretty much '3 strikes and you're out'! How are you going to build ANYTHING on THAT foundation of lies?

What does it MATTER what he denies or if he says he's changed. Can you EVER believe it? Can you risk your heart, your health, your future, your kids' family on ANYTHING that comes out of his lying, calculating mouth?

It's a decision only YOU can make. Please be CAREFUL not to get pregnant while you're trying to decide and he's trying to 'persuade' you to give him what he wants!

Me? I'd RUN LIKE HELL to a divorce attorney, but then I think life is short, love is precious, and children only get ONE childhood!
 
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