[lightninghelix]

Hello everyone,

Been awhile since I came back here. So it's been 2.5 months since DDay.

My partner has been trying to do everything she can to acquire my trust and forgiveness since that day.

She has completely abandonned all the people who were bad influences on her, she's been completely transparent with all details of her cell text conversations, facebook messages, e-mail.

She's changed her life around. She got a new and satisfying job, she's going back to school to further accelerate her career. She's made a new entourage and introduced me to them.

She's also made alot of thoughtful attempts towards me and has communicated alot more and better. In summary, she's really trying to make an effort to pull things together as much as possible. She has fufilled everything needed that would make me continue on things with her.

When we are together, I enjoy my time with her again like everything was back to normal and happy. But not everything is perfect.

When she is gone, I think/daydream bad things about her. I see other women and think that there are so many decent girls that why do I need to be stuck with the one that cheated? Often I have bad nightmares about what she did or nightmares about her cheating again. I wake up, happy that they were just dreams, but they feel so real when I'm in them and that feeling carries on throughout my day.

It's like my conscious has accepted and worked through this dilemma, but my sub-conscious won't let me. It has only been 2.5 months, so maybe I need more time.

I've literally chastised her and pummeled her with questions for 2 months straight and she's made alot of effort to make this work. My question is for those who chose to reconcile. Did you guys have similar feelings? Is it normal? Do you still think that reconciling is possible? How long did it take you or what stage of reconciling are you at?

Thanks for anyone who replies

 

[shecheatedVA]

I ask myself the same question. I recently found out my spouse cheated as well. I have the exact same thoughts. When we're in the groove, things seem so normal but once I'm alone my thoughts start wandering again. Part of me wants to believe that we'll be able to reconcile but there's another piece that just wants to cut ties and start my new life without her.

I've read posts on some other sites where the title was "I cheated on my boyfriend" only to find out they were at a party and kissed another guy. How I wish that was the level of cheating and my girl felt that kind of guilt. It makes me obviously want someone that wouldn't cheat but at least give me someone who feels extreme guilt about kissing and considers that cheating. I keep saying there are so many decent women out there but for me, my family and kids make me want to work it out though I'd rather just leave.

I've also brought on the questions..lots of them. Sometimes I thought the answer would be something else but turns out it's not what I wanted to hear. It's screwed me up and I feel bitter but know that even if I left, I'd have to fix myself before these feelings went away.

 

[MattMatt]

Yes, it is. And I speak from personal experience.

 

[lightninghelix]

Actually MattMatt, i've heard that you have quite the interesting story. Is there somewhere I can read it in another thread? (to save you the time of going through it all again.)

 

[norajane]

It has only been 2.5 months, so maybe I need more time.

Oh, you'll definitely need a lot more time!!! At 2.5 months, I was barely out of the shock stage!

And yes, you can forgive. And trust. The triggers fade, the mind movies go away, the bad dreams go away, positive replaces the negative, over time.

Your wife is doing the right things. But it will take a long time for you and your relationship to heal.

 

[C-man]

I'm in an ultra-cynical mood because of my own situation. I think it is impossible to regain the same level of trust as before. So you have to start fresh - with a brand new relationship with your current partner, so to speak. Your old relationship is dead, so don't try to revive it.

The good news for you is your partner seems to be willing to do the necessary work. But 2.5 months is not long. That is the reality. I went through some false R's that were 5 - 6 months long. All it takes is one night out, one phone call with the wrong influence or person and you're going to be back to square one. Meanwhile the loyal spouse convinces himself/herself that next time will be different... next time the R will be permanent. I've done this myself.

Decide now, in your own mind how many slipups you will tolerate. Zero? One? Two?

I know it's tough to walk away from a person you love. I am still having trouble doing this - although it becomes easier with time. But make sure you have clear boundaries (I didn't do this) and then stick with them.

Edit - so what I mean is forgiveness is possible, because it is up to you. But there is a difference between forgiveness and total trust. A relationship without TOTAL trust is not really a relationship worth having.

 

[walkonmars]

Genuine forgiveness does not have to depend on her or what she does. It depends on you. Accept that the past cannot be changed. That is the first step.

Don't confuse forgiveness with forgetting or 'letting off the hook'.

Plenty of crime victims forgive their perpetrators. They still testify against them and advocate for retribution. But they forgive - it releases them from holding resentment.

Forgiveness is a gift as is reconciliation. Forgiveness is as much a gift to yourself as it is for her. Reconciliation can also be a gift for both but mostly for her - since you CAN choose another path.

 

[lightninghelix]

I'm in an ultra-cynical mood because of my own situation. I think it is impossible to regain the same level of trust as before. So you have to start fresh - with a brand new relationship with your current partner, so to speak. Your old relationship is dead, so don't try to revive it.

The good news for you is your partner seems to be willing to do the necessary work. But 2.5 months is not long. That is the reality. I went through some false R's that were 5 - 6 months long. All it takes is one night out, one phone call with the wrong influence or person and you're going to be back to square one. Meanwhile the loyal spouse convinces himself/herself that next time will be different... next time the R will be permanent. I've done this myself.

Decide now, in your own mind how many slipups you will tolerate. Zero? One? Two?

I know it's tough to walk away from a person you love. I am still having trouble doing this - although it becomes easier with time. But make sure you have clear boundaries (I didn't do this) and then stick with them.

Edit - so what I mean is forgiveness is possible, because it is up to you. But there is a difference between forgiveness and total trust. A relationship without TOTAL trust is not really a relationship worth having.

At this point I have a tolerance of zero slip-ups, once shame on you, twice shame on me so to speak. I find it difficult enough to deal with already. Another time would destroy everything she was trying to accomplish. I was surprised at myself for considering to Reconcile after it happened, but she really has tried to do all the textbook reconciling steps. If she cheated again it would mean all she tried to do meant nothing.

I have also had pretty clear boundaries, but the triggers are killing me. I also know she feels a little hopeless sometimes, because despite all her efforts, I still trigger...She understands, but it is still frusterating for her, because she dosen't know if I'll ever truly forgive or trust her again and I don't know either.

 

[MattMatt]

Actually MattMatt, i've heard that you have quite the interesting story. Is there somewhere I can read it in another thread? (to save you the time of going through it all again.)

Thank you for thinking of that! It's 1.45am, I am up too late, but here is the link http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47176-how-did-you-find-out-about-infidelity.html?highlight=find

There are other bits of the story elsewhere on CWI

 

[Hope1964]

2.5 months isn't much time. If she keeps doing what she needs to, the bad thoughts will fade. Trust will build. The dreams will turn into good ones.

 

[badmemory]

I can give you the perspective of a husband who has been in R with my WW for a year. I too had the same thoughts as you. Still do to a degree. But my wife has demonstrated consistent remorse. To the point that there were times I almost hoped she would slip up and show she wasn't; so that I could feel better about ending the marriage during those lows when I felt I made the wrong decision.

Those feelings have reduced over time, but they still ebb and flow. I haven't forgiven my wife yet. I'm still in a wait and see mode. But right now I'm content enough to stay with her and hope for the best.

It can take years for a BS to get past something like this. Your reactions are normal. Accept nothing but true remorse from your wife and take things day by day, week by week. As someone on this forum advised me once, there's no shame in walking away, knowing you gave an honest effort to salvage your marriage.

 

[The Middleman]

You may choose to forgive it, maybe even "overlook" it, but I don't think you will ever forget it.

 

[doc_martin]

I think forgiveness is not only possible but really needs to happen for you... for us all. I think it is the key to releasing what has happened to us. Their cheating was all about them, no matter what they tell us. Forgiveness is all about us, FOR us. Sometimes, even to forgive ourselves for giving them another chance, or seeming to drag our feet as we stand back up.

Can you hear me trying to convince myself? LOL! It's a journey, but one I can get behind...

 

[remorseful strayer]

Lighteninghelix:

You need to get to the root of his cheating and address it so you can feel more secure. As other people already said, it's up to you to forgive and only you know if you can or you want to. Regarding trust. You will most likely never trust your husband the way you once did. Nor, should you. Your distrust is a protective mechanism.

 

[messeduplady]

It is early days so to speak, but lots of reassuring responses above me! I resonate with badmemory; I too have found R incredibly hard and have also at times desperately almost wanted my WH to mess up - walking away or separating would be easier than R imo.

 

[lightninghelix]

Lighteninghelix:

You need to get to the root of his cheating and address it so you can feel more secure. As other people already said, it's up to you to forgive and only you know if you can or you want to. Regarding trust. You will most likely never trust your husband the way you once did. Nor, should you. Your distrust is a protective mechanism.

I mentioned it was a she (and me a guy), but I get what you mean. The thing is I "want" to, I really do, otherwise I wouldn't still be with her. My sub-conscious is really fighting back and making that difficult for me. I guess I wanted to know from others if those triggers and mind movies and all of those things will fade away. I know I couldn't stay with her forever if those things won't eventually stay in check.

I consider myself a pretty reasonable and open-minded person, so I thought that I could really get through this. It seems alot more difficult than I originally thought though. I often take very small things as signals that she is still untrustworthy, I chastise her alot if she is slightly late coming home from work (like 30 minutes) or get angry if she dosen't promptly answer my texts or calls. I go stir crazy. I am so-called hypervigilant to an extreme and get very pumped up at the idea of her still cheating while on the surface she is trying everything to make it work for us.

Like I formulate incredibly unlikely scenarios in my head. It drives me to go to her work and places she goes to unannounced as a "surprise". Simply because I'm so paranoid. It certainly is starting to take over my life a little.

Funny thing is how all of those bad thoughts and feelings immediately fade away when we are together and we laugh and enjoy our time together just like we always did. We call and text each other alot and laugh and make each others day. Also, we are kind of in the hysterical bonding period, so we are constantly having over-the-top hot sex and sexting each other like mad. So it makes it hard to really understand what my feelings are and what I should do.

I've been divided into two different people, like a modern day jeckyl and hyde. I especially get worried and paranoid, when we get mad at each other or fight. Just because she is trying to do the proper things for reconcilation, dosen't mean she doesn't still get mad at me sometimes or at least frusterated, when I trigger. Usual couple arguments happen as well.

She knows that she needs to make certain changes, but I know that she would secretly love to rug-sweep. Who wouldn't blame her? It's alot easier on her and alot less work and less time. But we both know that is irresponsible and won't ever mend things to an acceptable state.

So, to the others, is this all sound familiar?

 

[Hope1964]

Sounds VERY familiar.

 

[remorseful strayer]

So, to the others, is this all sound familiar?

If you read the past posts here you will see that all your doing and feeling is totally normal as is your wife's desire to rug sweep. I wanted to rug sweep to. But you, she can't.

You are on 2.5 months out. You are going to get even worse in the next 7 months or so before you get better. It's normal. It normally takes 1 to 5 years to get rid of the pain, paranoia, mind movies and the paranoia will never go completely away. Hurt spouses of affairs often suffer from PTSD, do a search and read the symptoms and signs such as paranoia, hypervigilance, triggers, etc.

Talk to the people here who have recovered. Sigma is one I have seen posting and there are likely many others or post a thread asking reconciled couples to respond. It will help you see you are normal. In the end though only you can decide to move on.

 

[lightninghelix]

If you read the past posts here you will see that all your doing and feeling is totally normal as is your wife's desire to rug sweep. I wanted to rug sweep to. But you, she can't.

You are on 2.5 months out. You are going to get even worse in the next 7 months or so before you get better. It's normal. It normally takes 1 to 5 years to get rid of the pain, paranoia, mind movies and the paranoia will never go completely away. Hurt spouses of affairs often suffer from PTSD, do a search and read the symptoms and signs such as paranoia, hypervigilance, triggers, etc.

Talk to the people here who have recovered. Sigma is one I have seen posting and there are likely many others or post a thread asking reconciled couples to respond. It will help you see you are normal. In the end though only you can decide to move on.

Getting worse than this for 7 more months? PTSD ? Man this is going to be a heck of a year... I wonder if our relationship can withstand that kind of pressure for that long? I wonder if I can deal with that...

I'm sure it wasn't the intent of your post, but now i'm even more confused. Yeah i definetly have some PTSD signs there. It's still a question on "how" to move on if you know what I mean.

 

[Hope1964]

I couldn't have done it without IC.