[stillcoping]

My story can be pretty much summarized to this MM I met online more than a year ago that I had an unstoppable connection and attraction with and found out he was still married and was never divorced like he told me. We had an intense EA, lied to me nearly about everything, including his wife cheating on him with someone who's into drugs, pretending he was divorced and living with his roomates when in fact, both of them are all lies. I did a background check on him, paid a respectable website and got all the informations I needed including his real civil status and family members. When I confronted him about it, he still denied it instead of admitting and coming clean, and dumped me almost immediately saying we're better off as friends coz I was so far away (we live in 2 different continents) when a month ago, he's been promising to come visit me to marry me coz he said I was everything he ever wanted in a wife.

I then emailed on fb all of his family members and friends in his town, (and hers too!) informing them that he is a manipulative liar and a serial cheater pretending to be single and available online, complete with chat archives full with his I love you's and I can't wait to be with you and videos he sent where he was confessing his undying love for me. Instead of dumping him like I was expecting, his wife of 12 years was apologetic to me and decided to forgive and work it out with him coz she said, they have 3 small children together and for their sake, she has to put it behind her. I was speechless. I felt like my exposure didn't really do anything to harm him or get back at him for lying to me and manipulating me for so long. I mean if my own husband is confessing in a video how much he loves the OW, I'd pack my bags and leave immediately together with the kids. Plus the whole family and community knowing about the affair, I thought she would dump him but seems like she wasn't affected at all. And nope, she had no idea about the affair at all. When I informed her about it on fb, I could tell she was very hurt and mad about it. She also told me that I should also try to forgive him and just "get over it" and move on. I was flabbergasted for lack of a better term. I really want to crush him the way he crushed my heart and making me look like a stupid fool for almost 2 years we were talking together. And I'm starting to hate her too coz she thinks I should just forget it and not expect any apology or closure from her husband. I feel like my expose only broke my heart even more coz we are in NC for almost a month no and it's killing me. I am not sure how I can get over this when I invested so much time and emotion and if I will be able to trust any guys again. Help!

 

[warlock07]

Would you want him if his wife left him ? Why is NC bothering you so much ?

 

[Gaia]

You did the right thing. Different people handle things like this differently... and who knows.... he may very well be paying for it dearly behind closed doors. Just because she is nice online doesn't mean she is giving him leeway in real life.
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[stillcoping]

Despite all the lies and deception, I must admit I made a rookie mistake of exposing the affair hoping she would divorce him and not stay and he will come running back to me asking for forgiveness. As crazy and foolish as that sounds.

 

[Gaia]

That is crazy and foolish.
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[stillcoping]

I've talked with him everyday, for almost 2 years. Sometimes for 4 to 5 hours straight. We made plans and dreams together about our future, our wedding and even starting our own family. We did cybersex alot like any normal couple in long distance relationship and that intimacy brought us even more closer to each other. He told me many times I was his soul mate and true love and I told him he's everything I ever wanted in a partner. He can make no mistakes in my eyes and then all of these just happened in one swift recently so I'm still hurting as hell. I'm barely surviving everyday.

 

[JCD]

Your motives weren't good.

But you forgot a number of things. You said he's on a different continent. So that means it's very likely that his wife is fiscally dependent on him. If she divorces him (and while divorce laws in other countries LOOK fair, they seldom are for the women), she's cutting her own throat. She may not have a choice...and she gets to live with the humilitation you heaped on her head.

Because that is the results of your little "I'll make him come to me" missive. You humilitated this woman and her children to her family and friends. She owes you absolutely nothing. No good byes. No apologies. But she got a nice castor oil spoon of the truth. So now she can take steps.

But on the plus side, her brothers and dad are looking at him carrying large bludgeoning instruments and giving him unsettling looks. He is, as they say, on thin ice.

Now, in public, the man might be getting high fives from the other men (See the guy who can seduce a silly American girl [assumption] over the internet?). In their hearts, they are keeping a CLOSE eye on their wives and daughters when he is around.

He's now known as a predator and untrustworthy.

So lick your wounds, stop going after married men.

As I recall from a cartoon in my childhood:

Daughter: Momma all the single boys out there are JERKS and all the good guys are married!

Momma: That's because marriage is the process of turning jerks into good guys.

So go find yourself a good jerk. Nerds are good too. They appreciate it more.

 

[Gaia]

Imagine how much pain his wife is in... the woman he vowed to be with for life.... they have 12 years together..... that's a lot longer then 2 ....I know it seemed like something special to you... but do you really think his wife would throw out 12 years invested in the relationship? Not to mention the family they created together?
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[Gaia]

Totally agree with jcd.
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[MaritimeGuy]

I think the reality is he is married to the woman he is for a reason. There are plenty of people out there who will swallow tons of abuse. Abusers are excellent at identifying them. Much like a predator picking the weak animal from the heard.

Unfortunately for you, you're not going to get any satisfaction from exposing him for what he is. My guess is deep down she already knew. You're probably not the first victim of this guy and I would hazard a guess won't be the last.

 

[warlock07]

Despite all the lies and deception, I must admit I made a rookie mistake of exposing the affair hoping she would divorce him and not stay and he will come running back to me asking for forgiveness. As crazy and foolish as that sounds.

you want him after all that?

You are in love with the image he projected. Not his actual self. Why are you so deluded?

 

[stillcoping]

why do you have to be so harsh? and yeah, the NC is hurting me so much coz I was so used to his presence each day and now, all of it are suddenly gone and it's killing me that we didn't even have any closure or I didn't get to ask him why he lied to me for so damn long.

 

[TDSC60]

If my own husband is confessing in a video how much he loves the OW, I'd pack my bags and leave immediately together with the kids.

Are YOU married with children?

 

[underwater2010]

Honey here are the facts. You were duped into a relationship with a MM. He lied to you. That is what the BW is apologizing for. She realizes that you were lied to and is honest enough to tell you she is working on the marriage. This is the point that you bow out. You have done your best to expose him. EVERYONE now knows that he is a scumbag. Trust me when I say that there will be plenty of fallout.

The sad fact is that you probably exposed him in hopes that his BW would kick him out and come running to you. Affairs with MM rarely end this way. Your best bet is to just move on.

 

[stillcoping]

nope, was just making the "if I was in her shoes" thing.

 

[Ovid]

More than likely the BS is just not giving hell to you. What he's getting is probably another story.

 

[Shaggy]

How can you possibly won't him? Everything he's said to you has been a huge act he put on. It's not him, it's this fake persona he plays at with you online.

The truth, this is a guy with small children who instead of loving his kids he is spending his time cheating online

He has lied up and down about his entire life to you.

and he's a cheater.

This guy isn't a man, he's a vile worm. Is that the kind of guy you would settle for?

 

[Jellybeans]

this MM I met online more than a year ago that I had an unstoppable connection and attraction with and found out he was still married and was never divorced like he told me. We had an intense EA, lied to me nearly about everything,

When I confronted him about it, he still denied it instead of admitting and coming clean, and dumped me almost immediately saying we're better off as friends coz I was so far away (we live in 2 different continents) when a month ago, he's been promising to come visit me to marry me coz he said I was everything he ever wanted in a wife.

I then emailed on fb all of his family members and friends in his town, (and hers too!) informing them that he is a manipulative liar and a serial cheater pretending to be single and available online, complete with chat archives full with his I love you's and I can't wait to be with you and videos he sent where he was confessing his undying love for me. Instead of dumping him like I was expecting, his wife of 12 years was apologetic to me and decided to forgive and work it out with him coz she said, they have 3 small children together and for their sake, she has to put it behind her. I was speechless. I felt like my exposure didn't really do anything to harm him or get back at him for lying to me and manipulating me for so long.

And I'm starting to hate her too coz she thinks I should just forget it and not expect any apology or closure from her husband

You only exposed with the intention of "harming" him and you wanted his wife to leave him/dump him. That is not the point of exposure.

Why hate on the wife? She hasn't done anything to you. You are the one who carried on with her husband for a year or so (and you say you did find out he lied early on--yet you continued the affair). How you feel isn't her problem. She is the victim here. You willfully participated in betraying her marriage, even after knowing he lied to you and was still married. That's your fault. Own it.

I'm not sure why you feel you are owed "closure" or an "apology." You at some point found out he was married but you CHOSE to continue having an affair with him. So that is on you, dear.

None of this absolves the lying husband though. He was totally wrong to do what he did and drag you in with lise and worst of all, lie to his wife and family. They've decided to stick it out. you need to fall back. Move on with your life. Next time: don't get involved with married men.

Also, anyone you meet "online" (from a different continent, no less!) who chats over a keyboad for a year and promises to marr you, who you've never met, cause you're "all they have ever wanted in a wife" is talking massive amounts of bullsh!t. Time for a reality check. Try having a real relationship with someone in the flesh. Who's single.



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[Jellybeans]

Did you ever even meet this dude? Two years?!



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[stillcoping]

Nope we have never met in person. We were supposed to meet in a few months before all of these happened. I didn't know he was still married until recently, after I did the background check (if you were even paying attention). He went missing online for a few weeks and I got extremely worried, and then when he showed up again and came up with a very ridiculous excuse that made me suspicious and resort to PI (his excuse was he got arrested but later on I found out he just went on a family vacation) For almost 2 years, he was posing as a divorced man until I got him busted.