[LudwigMummy]

I've been with my husband for 9 years and have been married for 5. My life with him has been a life of both struggles and adventure but undeniably difficult. My husband has been struggling to get his career/ business of the ground for as long as I have known him. He either falls out of employment due to feeling short changed or has been finding it impossible to get partners to join him in his business endevours. As a result his priority is never me or our marriage. He also comes from a dysfunctional family where there are no good role models for him to look up to. He was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. For the past 3 years I have been the only one with the income and has been paying for day to day expenses including our mortgage. I don't mind that but I am extremely hurt that he shows no gratitude for my loyalty and caring ways. He gets agitated with me a lot, puts me down and has also been creating 'friendships' with other women via internet or when he goes out drinking. He also lies about where he goes and who he is with. I have caught him numerous times. I confronted one of the women once and she told me that my husband said he has been divorced for 10 years and apologized. I sometimes think my
husband does not have a conscience. My husband is sabotaging
all the good things he has. I am now seeking legal advice should I want to get a divorce as we share a lot of assets and financial
obligations. I think my husband needs to be in therapy to sort himself out. He went for a while but decided to stop taking his
medication because he thinks it sedates him and curbs his
creative energy. I am torn between the divorce and staying if he agrees to commit himself to therapy and meds again. I also fear being alone or missing him or worry for his safety as he has been suicidal in the past.

 

[rjp1969]

I think he needs to have some responsibility for his own life.

Currently, he can quit a job, blame his co-workers/the job (they are stifling his creativity, and his ability to make it on his own business), and you will be there to support him.

Now, I appreciate that this might be one side of the story, and only you can answer that.

But a few questions
What real responsibilities does he have / keep to ?
Is he really serious about getting his business off the ground, or is it just a convenient excuse for doing p!ss all for months at a time ?
If you are the only one with an income, where the hell is he getting the money to go out boozing, and meeting other women ?

You state that you share a lot of assets and financial obligations. In reality, the assets are/were yours, and the obligations created by him. Correct ?

If the answers are what I think they are, he isn't a husband.

He's a parasite, and you are the host

 

[LudwigMummy]

Hi RJP69, thanks for responding to my thread. My issue with him is not so much that I'm the one with the income because I know that he has been trying to get his business going and also he has made pretty good business decisions in the past that has made us some really good money. My issue is with him is that he is sabotaging all other things that are good in his life because he is failing in business. He shows no commitment to improve ou marriage by building trust in our relationship. He doesn't keep to his word, he lies and he is a womenizer. He blames me for the things that goes wrong day to day. When I get sick, he gets annoyed. A couple of months ago, I got really bad gastric attack, he took me to the hospital, spends 30 minutes with me and then left while i was still in terrible pain because he says he has to get back to his work. He told me to call him when I'm ready to be fetched from the hospital-one example of how cold a person he can be.

 

[survivorwife]

Hi RJP69, thanks for responding to my thread. My issue with him is not so much that I'm the one with the income because I know that he has been trying to get his business going and also he has made pretty good business decisions in the past that has made us some really good money. My issue is with him is that he is sabotaging all other things that are good in his life because he is failing in business. He shows no commitment to improve ou marriage by building trust in our relationship. He doesn't keep to his word, he lies and he is a womenizer. He blames me for the things that goes wrong day to day. When I get sick, he gets annoyed. A couple of months ago, I got really bad gastric attack, he took me to the hospital, spends 30 minutes with me and then left while i was still in terrible pain because he says he has to get back to his work. He told me to call him when I'm ready to be fetched from the hospital-one example of how cold a person he can be.

Please forgive me in advance for being blunt. As you probably guessed (by being here), strangers often see things that you might not have considered.

For example, since his "business" is a priority and not the marriage, do you think that, if his business venture is successful, he will want to remain married to you? Is he using you (and your money) to feed him and house him in order to focus on his future without you? The other women are a "red flag" to me here as well.

The point I'm trying to make here is that I see several red flags, and that he seems to be "using you" right now, but is not so vested in the marriage as you are. Once he makes his fortune, he is destined to be out of the marriage. Do you want to part of the future? Or would you rather deal with your hand now and respond accordingly? He needs to stop with the other women, contribute financially to your household and stop being a user. The "pity party" of his has to stop now. He seems very selfish.

 

[LudwigMummy]

Hi SurvivorWife, yes he is a selfish man. Even after confronting him about the other woman he says he did it because I suffocate him. Apparently i love too much. You made a good point about him leaving me after he has made his fortune. I think he is capable of that. He wants a trial separation which I feel will go nowhere. He doesn't even want to go for couples counselling for some help because we obviously can't reconcile on our own. There's too much resentment and pain involved. Now I need to prepare myself to proceed with the divorce. I wish I'd wake up tomorrow with absolute courage to go ahead with it. I've not been single for more than 6 months since I was 17 years old and I'm in my late 30s now. It's a scary thought. So if anyone has some words of encouragement for me I'd be most grateful.

 

[survivorwife]

Hi SurvivorWife, yes he is a selfish man. Even after confronting him about the other woman he says he did it because I suffocate him. Apparently i love too much. You made a good point about him leaving me after he has made his fortune. I think he is capable of that. He wants a trial separation which I feel will go nowhere. He doesn't even want to go for couples counselling for some help because we obviously can't reconcile on our own. There's too much resentment and pain involved. Now I need to prepare myself to proceed with the divorce. I wish I'd wake up tomorrow with absolute courage to go ahead with it. I've not been single for more than 6 months since I was 17 years old and I'm in my late 30s now. It's a scary thought. So if anyone has some words of encouragement for me I'd be most grateful.

I've been separated from my cheating husband for 8 months now. Such freedom! Lack of stress. Am able to relax and breath again. It's good.

If you can financial support yourself, that's the first battle. Do you have a "support group" (family and friends) that can visit with you and enjoy your life with? That's the second battle. You might enjoy being alone sometimes, but it's also good to keep in touch with others, at your own convenience.

And yes, I do have moments of anger and grief about what he did and what he continues to do. My marriage lasted 28 years before he drove it into the ditch with several affairs which he still continues. Me, I'm not ready to date yet, but when I am ready I will.

As for your situation, the separation will help both of you come to an understanding of life without each other. It's risky, but it is something both of you need to know for sure. Your marriage is over. If you come back together in the future, it becomes a new marriage and not a continuation of the old. If you don't come back together, you will already have the experience of being on your own. Either way, it really can't hurt what has already happened between you two.