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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Got into a discussion re: this topic on another thread and didn't want to hijack the original thread.

Weigh in, please!

I'm on the side of it's NOT the same as 'giving in'.

Compromise is a necessity because two people will NEVER see things the exact same way most of the time. Compromise comes from BOTH sides, not just one side. Compromise is done graciously because it is a necessity.

Giving in is done to keep the peace, as a form of surrender. It is ALWAYS done one-sidedly and usually leads to resentment and silent, angry seething.

What say YOU, people of TAM? Is it JUST "semantics"?
 

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No it's not, by a mile, the same thing. Compromise only become giving in if both partners don't meet half way.

Problem is, some people say "i had to compromise" when they completely gave in.
 

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IMO they are not the same at all.

Compromise - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

give in - Wiktionary

Let take sex for example. That seems to be a "hot" topic on TAM. Say that you want sex daily. She is happy with once a week. You both agree that you will both try and elevate it to three times a week and assign a rough time line. She compromises and elevates it to twice a week to start. You compromise and except that for now, knowing what the end goal is.

Giving in would be to continue with once a week sex.

Best,

T
 

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Aren't all relationships between two people subject to constant compromising? What two people want the exact same thing all the time? It's the adult way to handle onself...

Giving in? Brings to mind a selfish, spoiled spouse who always has to have her way (yes, her). ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Originally posted by Costa200:
Problem is, some people say "i had to compromise" when they completely gave in.
Very true, Costa200, when people are unclear in the way they express themselves (either aloud or in their head) they muddy the waters.

If they're a narcissist (everything MUST be their way), then I guess COMPROMISE would LOOK like GIVING IN.
 

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This is a great question because the answer here can help us determine someone's "relationship IQ". Everyone has their own personal "relationship ability" and it is very unusual (I have never seen it myself) for a married couple to be equal in this. Unfortunately, there is an additional burden on the more "relationship savvy" partner not to allow their marriage to operate a the level of the "relationship challenged" partner if they want their marriage to thrive. This is just one of those unfairnesses in life.
 

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This is a great question because the answer here can help us determine someone's "relationship IQ". Everyone has their own personal "relationship ability" and it is very unusual (I have never seen it myself) for a married couple to be equal in this. Unfortunately, there is an additional burden on the more "relationship savvy" partner not to allow their marriage to operate a the level of the "relationship challenged" partner if they want their marriage to thrive. This is just one of those unfairnesses in life.
:iagree:

It took me way longer than it should have to figure out that my husband makes absolutely no distinction between compromising and giving in. In his mind, if he compromises with me, then I've won and he's lost. If I compromise with him, then I've lost and he's won.

For him, not always getting 100% of what he wants is giving in. It's losing. He doesn't like to lose, so he doesn't give in. He doesn't compromise.

He doesn't really understand that part of a healthy relationship is give and take, compromise. I wish I'd realized how he viewed compromise earlier in our relationship, it absolutely was an indicator of an overall low relationship IQ.
 

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I think there needs to be compromise in a healthy marriage. However, not all things can be compromised without real damage. It depends.

Compromising on fundamental boundaries can be a very bad thing. Compromisng on how you schedule your holiday time is getting along and being fair.

So it depends for sure what it is.

I do not see compromise as "giving in" at all. It likely is for a lot of folks though. I just donot have the type of relationship where I am "giving in" as you put it. I am not a conflict avoider by any means. Often though all one needs to do is redefine what is really important to each other and one may find a middle ground or one may find that both can have their way. Or something equitable. It can also come down to how important something is to your spouse. I do not see it as giving in if you agree to do something your spouses way if it is important to them. But we strive for us both being happy with the decision and often opt for a different choice altogether we both want.
 
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Compromise is a necessity because two people will NEVER see things the exact same way most of the time. Compromise comes from BOTH sides, not just one side. Compromise is done graciously because it is a necessity.

Giving in is done to keep the peace, as a form of surrender. It is ALWAYS done one-sidedly and usually leads to resentment and silent, angry seething.

What say YOU, people of TAM? Is it JUST "semantics"?
compromising is thinking creatively to come up with a way for both parties to at least have a piece of what they want/need if both people can't have 100% of what they want/need.

giving in means putting your needs to the side while making your partner totally happy.

Both things are necessary sometimes.Giving in has to be used sparingly though because as you said,it can lead to resentment and silent,angry seething.

I think people need to be very careful when making the decision to give in vs.discussing a potential compromise.
 

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It can also come down to how important something is to your spouse. I do not see it as giving in if you agree to do something your spouses way if it is important to them. But we strive for us both being happy with the decision and often opt for a different choice altogether we both want.
:iagree:

When we compromise we also take into account how important something is to one of us. If something is really important to one spouse then it usually carries more weight. The trick is to disassociate from wanting your way to figuring out how to resolve any issue for the greater good of the marriage.
 

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A lot depends on the dynamics as well.

If there are two issues on the table. One person "gives in" on one issue and the other person "gives in" on the other issue. But they do it through discussion and as a quid pro quo, then that would be a compromise and not really giving in. (if that makes sense).

I'll wake up with the baby this weekend, but you have to do it next weekend.
 

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:iagree:

It took me way longer than it should have to figure out that my husband makes absolutely no distinction between compromising and giving in. In his mind, if he compromises with me, then I've won and he's lost. If I compromise with him, then I've lost and he's won.

For him, not always getting 100% of what he wants is giving in. It's losing. He doesn't like to lose, so he doesn't give in. He doesn't compromise.

He doesn't really understand that part of a healthy relationship is give and take, compromise. I wish I'd realized how he viewed compromise earlier in our relationship, it absolutely was an indicator of an overall low relationship IQ.
This is also called "my way or the highway" thinking. It often appears in adults that grew up as the youngest child in their family of origin. Unfortunately, when we marry someone like this, we who have the greater relationship IQ necessarily take on a greater relationship burden whether or not we realized it at the time.
 

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When no one gets all the things they desire. That's a compromise.
^
This

When both sides get less then what they originally wanted it's a true compromise. When one side gets everything it's just giving in. The power dynamic in a relationship often results in one side always giving in, but as others have said a lasting relationship requires a fair amount of emotional intelligence. It's not emotionally intelligent to take a "my way or the highway" attitude in your marriage. It builds resentment and utlimately leads to divorce. In the thread the OP was refering to I responded to a post that claimed a compromise was about losing yourself in the transaction. What kind of world would we live in if this was always the case? Love is about giving and a compromise is a form of giving. Don't you actually gain something when you give yourself to a deserving spouse or family member?
 
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