Very true, Costa200, when people are unclear in the way they express themselves (either aloud or in their head) they muddy the waters.Originally posted by Costa200:
Problem is, some people say "i had to compromise" when they completely gave in.
:iagree:This is a great question because the answer here can help us determine someone's "relationship IQ". Everyone has their own personal "relationship ability" and it is very unusual (I have never seen it myself) for a married couple to be equal in this. Unfortunately, there is an additional burden on the more "relationship savvy" partner not to allow their marriage to operate a the level of the "relationship challenged" partner if they want their marriage to thrive. This is just one of those unfairnesses in life.
compromising is thinking creatively to come up with a way for both parties to at least have a piece of what they want/need if both people can't have 100% of what they want/need.Compromise is a necessity because two people will NEVER see things the exact same way most of the time. Compromise comes from BOTH sides, not just one side. Compromise is done graciously because it is a necessity.
Giving in is done to keep the peace, as a form of surrender. It is ALWAYS done one-sidedly and usually leads to resentment and silent, angry seething.
What say YOU, people of TAM? Is it JUST "semantics"?
:iagree:It can also come down to how important something is to your spouse. I do not see it as giving in if you agree to do something your spouses way if it is important to them. But we strive for us both being happy with the decision and often opt for a different choice altogether we both want.
This is also called "my way or the highway" thinking. It often appears in adults that grew up as the youngest child in their family of origin. Unfortunately, when we marry someone like this, we who have the greater relationship IQ necessarily take on a greater relationship burden whether or not we realized it at the time.:iagree:
It took me way longer than it should have to figure out that my husband makes absolutely no distinction between compromising and giving in. In his mind, if he compromises with me, then I've won and he's lost. If I compromise with him, then I've lost and he's won.
For him, not always getting 100% of what he wants is giving in. It's losing. He doesn't like to lose, so he doesn't give in. He doesn't compromise.
He doesn't really understand that part of a healthy relationship is give and take, compromise. I wish I'd realized how he viewed compromise earlier in our relationship, it absolutely was an indicator of an overall low relationship IQ.
^When no one gets all the things they desire. That's a compromise.
