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You should end one relationship, marriage or not, before entering into a new one, IMO. If you don't love your husband anymore, if he is abusive, you should end your marriage. If you are trying to have both worlds, it won't help you. The guy you're involved with sounds like a jerk too, honestly...if he's willing to be involved with a married woman. You're jumping from one bad situation to a new one. Neither guy is healthy for you, tbh. You need to heal, and learn how to bring yourself happiness, instead of looking to men to do it for you. :eek:
 
Honestly, OP you need to fix yourself before you try to fix either the marriage or the affair. You make excuses for the abuse by your H, but run to your Lover, both signs of generally low self esteem. An affair is a temporary detour from the disaster your marriage has become. You know this, but are looking validation to not make a decision.
 
Not sure if this will be helpful or not, but my parents also were very conservative. my dad is a preacher and mom a stay at home mom. As religious as they come, and they were 100% against any type of divorce.

Then my wife and I divorced. My dad was against it at first, but once it was done, he gave me a hug one day and said he just wanted me to be happy.

I've been through 2 divorces, and while I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, they aren't the end of the world. Especially from a Parents perspective.

I'd stop "Asking" mom/dad for their views and just do what is right. If you need to seperate for a few months, maybe that will wake up your H. If you are already emotionally attached to another, seperation will not help because YOU won't be able to really work on the relationship due to your heart being taken already by the affair. I would just divorce and also end the affair. It can't work, because it started on the wrong foot!

Take a year or two and just relax and date and your folks will be fine. DO NOT JUMP into another marriage, especially with the affair guy. It won't last.
 
I think you are putting your life at risk by having an affair while being married to a man who would hit you just for being 'mouthy". What do you think he will he do to you when he finds out that your having sex with your "friend". You are clearly not thinking straight. First, end your "friendship" with the other man. Then end your marriage. Then on your own, work on yourself. Particularly, by getting your self respect back.
 
An affair is not a good thing when there is abuse but a divorce is.
 
I think you are making a lot of excuses for your husband. From what you have written, he is not good 90% of the time.

He talks own to you in front of others and when you are alone. That's called verbal abuse. He will not do his fair share of things like housework. It further points to him looking down on you and seeing you as a servant. Since you work full time, he should be picking up the majority of house work. That way the two of you can spend more quality time together. But it sound like he's not interested in that either.

He's physically abusive. And nothing you do justifies him abusing you physically or any other way.

You do his laundry, clean up after him and cook for him. Why do you do all this?

Now about the affair, only about 3% of affairs last once the marriage is out of the picture. Affairs are based on fantasy. So don't make decisions based on the guy you are in an affair with. Instead make the decision of what you want to do with your life based what is best for you, staying with an abusive man who has mental health issues or being free and on your own.

Then, if you choose to leave the marriage and the affair relationship does last, all it good. If the affair relationship does not maintain after you leave your husband, all is good because you left to get away from abuse. So you will be better off on your own.
 
afraidwife, I think you should go talk to a counselor in real life. Not clergy but a licensed therapist. Your job should provide Employee Assistance Program, EAP, which is free and totally confidential. Your employer will never know you even went.

Ok, a couple of thoughts on your situation. First, nothing justifies abuse. You can mouth off to him, break a window, whatever, and it doesn't justify him abusing you. Whether he is emotionally abusive by yelling and intimidating you, or physically abusing you by hitting you, none of it is justified ever. Not ever. You might know ways to trigger his abuse, but it isn't your fault he abuses you!!!!

Secondly, nothing justifies cheating. I can understand how some affairs happen, but it doesn't make it ok. It is understandable how you found someone else interesting, but it doesn't make it morally ok to cross the line into cheating. Remember as a kid people would say 2 wrongs don't make a right? Same thing here. His abuse is wrong, but that doesn't excuse your cheating. But I don't think now is the time for us to give you a hard time about the affair, because I think you need to end the marriage. Need to end it. Which makes the affair a non-issue in some ways.

I agree you are in danger from your abusive husband because of the affair. But I also believe you need some external support systems to get you out of the abusive marriage. However, I think the danger of the affair outweighs the benefit of the friendship with your affair partner. I think you need to cut off the affair at least for the immediate future until you can get out of the house permanently. Your affair partner is likely in danger, too, from your husband.

So I think the right thing to do is for you to seek out counseling with EAP immediately, as well as work on a good quick strategy to get out of the house. Perhaps someone here can reach out to you privately with resources for abused women. Your counselor should be able to get you in touch with local resources quickly. Then you can take the necessary steps to safely get out of the house asap. I believe you need help in doing this safely.
 
Abuse and adultery are both wrong. I think you must leave this man who physically and emotionally abuses you, and get yourself together before you even think of another relationship.Think about why you married such an awful man.
 
or are we all terrible sinners? It feels like divorce here on this site is encouraged and although i dont want to get divorced I feel like there's no hope.

  • 19 years together (dating for 9)
  • he was always 'the man' and made decisions and I let him happily
  • but if I made a mistake like burning the pot or breaking the window he would flip out, calling me names, or throwing tantrums that intimidated me
  • some physical abuse thrown in there as well, hitting me on the face, pinning me down, pushing me or suddenly slapping me
  • eventually it got to the point if any mistake was made i would take blame and say sorry to avoid the berating screaming tantrums
  • so i became the perfect wife and his bad behavior usually stopped until the next time I 'gave him lip' or 'spoke back' to him
  • met someone else and fell completely for them. they are sane. they are horrified at my stories, they want to help me but know I must help myself out of this.

I think the "affair fog" might have gotten my brain chemicals and I don't want to make a mistake. This husband has been there for me through everything, and can behave 86% of the time. But whenever he is in a foul mood (usually mornings or empty stomach, or i have said or done something wrong) he can go off. He never "goes off" in front of anyone else, but will talk down to me in front of people.

He never apologizes for his outbursts, and usually doesn't speak to me after them until I apologize. He recently started saying he wants to change but i gave him a little test by being mean to him and he hit me in the arm. He won't go to marriage counseling.

I wondered why the affair affected me so much, my entire being just wants to leave him. Then I read "why does he do that" by lundy and realized maybe my marriage isn't so perfect as I thought it was. The one chapter said "does he back you into corners, does he raise his fist, and has he hit you?" and my answers are "yes, yes and yes" and the book said "if this is the case you don't have to ask yourself if he could be an abuser, because he already is" and I broke down and cried and cried.

TLDR... why is divorce so horrible and divorced people are the worst according to my parents. why did i marry this guy thinking he would change and is impossible for him to change? is my new love clouding my vision or opening my eyes?
You are a victim of domestic violence, please go and seek help with an appropriate womens organisation. Do you have kids? I hope not. You shouldn't have affairs but I could see how you sought compassion/love elsewhere. Get out of this marriage, your H is an abuser.
 
Discussion starter · #30 ·
more background: I guess I don't understand why abuse is this thing that I should automatically dump him.

Any marriage will have pros and cons, ups and downs. No partner is perfect. I see him as a flawed individual. Like myself, like you, like everyone else. He is great on paper, and supportive financially and emotionally through many (most) of life's ups and downs.

It is not every hour he does this, and sometimes the thing that will set him off one day won't set him off the next day. Or vise versa.

When it does happen I can see your point, because he is raging at me as if I am some stupid idiot, calling me names, F this and F that. If it's just verbal and seems harmless I will sometimes argue my point or stand my ground but most of the time it doesn't work to reason with him when he's like that. Confronting him back, or leaving the room, or crying will all escalate it and if I persist he will get physical. The best and quickest way to make it end without incident is to agree that I'm incompetent and say I'm sorry and I've learned my lesson and it won't happen again and to look very sorry that I have upset him and then afterwards be nice and cook him dinner or do something nice for him.

But is it the same as someone who punches me in the eye or breaks my arm for not having dinner hot when he comes home from work? No.

I guess I don't see why abuse is a deal breaker but other things in marriage you have to try harder to make it work. And is it JUST physical abuse? Most of the time it's verbal or mental abuse. But there is a pattern of behavior there.

I guess I've put my feelings and emotions on the back burner for years/decades. I put the marriage first and him, and making it work. And now just anyone can come along and say 3 kind words and my whole world crumbles around me, and I just want to get away from my husband. But people in GOOD marriages can have an affair and suddenly have the I love you but not in love with you and want to get away from their spouse. So I feel confused.

If I would have come to the conclusion I was in an abusive relationship on my own, without the affair, it would seem 'legitimate' to leave him. But the affair destroyed my whole world, because I am not "rewriting history" he did push, shove, choke, hit, and kick me a different times through the years. I am in therapy but I feel like it's white people first world problems and I'm making something out of nothing and I should just stay married and be a good christian.
 
Would it be ok if he were cutting your arm with a razor blade? Just once in a while, not every day. It heals over, no big deal, right?

When he emotionally abuses you, he is harming you. He is injuring you. When he hits you he is harming you physically and also emotionally.

Would it be ok if a stranger came over and hit you and choked you in a rage? Or would you call the police and have him thrown in jail? I hope you'd do the latter, because when a person assaults another it is a violent crime. That is what your husband is doing, committing a violent crime.

What does your therapist say about the situation?

Is your therapist a good Christian counselor or are they a licensed psychologist?
 
But is it the same as someone who punches me in the eye or breaks my arm for not having dinner hot when he comes home from work? No.

I guess I don't see why abuse is a deal breaker but other things in marriage you have to try harder to make it work. And is it JUST physical abuse? Most of the time it's verbal or mental abuse. But there is a pattern of behavior there.

I guess I've put my feelings and emotions on the back burner for years/decades. I put the marriage first and him, and making it work. And now just anyone can come along and say 3 kind words and my whole world crumbles around me, and I just want to get away from my husband. But people in GOOD marriages can have an affair and suddenly have the I love you but not in love with you and want to get away from their spouse. So I feel confused.
Physical abuse is obviously bad. At its worst it kills and/or maims a person. Emotional abuse is bad because it kills and maims you emotionally.

Do you assume that people who cheat all get into affairs for the same reason? Look at what you became, someone so starved to be treated decently that you fell into an affair with someone just because they treated you with respect and kindness.
If I would have come to the conclusion I was in an abusive relationship on my own, without the affair, it would seem 'legitimate' to leave him. But the affair destroyed my whole world, because I am not "rewriting history" he did push, shove, choke, hit, and kick me a different times through the years. I am in therapy but I feel like it's white people first world problems and I'm making something out of nothing and I should just stay married and be a good christian.
Do you see how much you have been destroyed, your own sense of self-worth? You feel that you deserve to be mistreated in the past because today you are cheating. That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You have been emotionally destroyed. And now you want to use race as an excuse to stay in the marriage. Do you really think that people of races other than your own race are ok with being in abusive relationships? They are not.

Are you going to be a good Christian and confess you sin of adultery to your husband? How do you think he will react?

I think that this abusive relationship is all you really know so you are afraid to leave it. It’s not love. It’s not being a Christian. It’s just easier to stay and be abused than to exercise the huge amount of effort that is needed to leave.

If you like being abused, think it is all you deserve and want stay in your marriage, then do it. And then if you make that choice you have no right to complain because you are no longer a victim. You are a participant. That’s your life choice.
 
I stayed in a bad marriage way too long, trying to focus on the positive like you seem to be doing here. I didn't know life could be any better as I thought everyone had their issues. All excuses to keep you trapped in a bad situation. It had been almost 7 months since I left my husband and I can say it was the best decision I ever made. Not all men are like this and you deserve to be happy. Stop making excuses for his behavior!!!
 
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