or are we all terrible sinners? It feels like divorce here on this site is encouraged and although i dont want to get divorced I feel like there's no hope.
- 19 years together (dating for 9)
- he was always 'the man' and made decisions and I let him happily
- but if I made a mistake like burning the pot or breaking the window he would flip out, calling me names, or throwing tantrums that intimidated me
- some physical abuse thrown in there as well, hitting me on the face, pinning me down, pushing me or suddenly slapping me
- eventually it got to the point if any mistake was made i would take blame and say sorry to avoid the berating screaming tantrums
- so i became the perfect wife and his bad behavior usually stopped until the next time I 'gave him lip' or 'spoke back' to him
- met someone else and fell completely for them. they are sane. they are horrified at my stories, they want to help me but know I must help myself out of this.
I think the "affair fog" might have gotten my brain chemicals and I don't want to make a mistake. This husband has been there for me through everything, and can behave 86% of the time. But whenever he is in a foul mood (usually mornings or empty stomach, or i have said or done something wrong) he can go off. He never "goes off" in front of anyone else, but will talk down to me in front of people.
He never apologizes for his outbursts, and usually doesn't speak to me after them until I apologize. He recently started saying he wants to change but i gave him a little test by being mean to him and he hit me in the arm. He won't go to marriage counseling.
I wondered why the affair affected me so much, my entire being just wants to leave him. Then I read "why does he do that" by lundy and realized maybe my marriage isn't so perfect as I thought it was. The one chapter said "does he back you into corners, does he raise his fist, and has he hit you?" and my answers are "yes, yes and yes" and the book said "if this is the case you don't have to ask yourself if he could be an abuser, because he already is" and I broke down and cried and cried.
TLDR... why is divorce so horrible and divorced people are the worst according to my parents. why did i marry this guy thinking he would change and is impossible for him to change? is my new love clouding my vision or opening my eyes?