Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
21 - 40 of 45 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
93 Posts
Oh and I wanted to add, my husband also said he didn't need counselling as he had been too frightened by this incident to ever go with a prostitute again.

Well obviously that is just rug sweeping. Let's pretend it never happened, I won't take any responsibility for it, apart from saying a quick sorry. Now you just have to forget about it and get on with the marriage, otherwise there will be more abuse?

That is how it was for me anyway. My husband gave a pitiful apology (mixed in with how I was to blame, as I had been ill) and then I had to never talk about the incident again so he could get off scott free. If I dared talk about it, I got shut down in an instance.

That's what made me realise I could never heal from this.

What I really needed at the beginning was a lot of space. I needed my husband to move out. He HAD to move out. I needed to clear my head somewhat and gain clarity. I couldn't breathe whilst having him hanging around me like a bad reminder or his repulsive life choices.

Jen
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,894 Posts
He also hasn't offered up his passwords to anything (email, fb or whatever)but he is not likely to be hiding anything there as he rarely uses a computer or email or anything like that.
He needs to keep all texts for you to see, give you all PWs and give you all his account information. Tell him if you find any accounts that he is hiding from you that he is in deep trouble. He cheated on you, he hid it. He might be hiding other things. Tell him if there are deleted texts he is in deep trouble.

Sex with a prostitute is grounds for D.

Working on the marriage is going to be largely on him coming clean, being honest and transparent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,281 Posts
Sleeping with a prostitute harms nobody providing her trick isn't married. Of course there is the chance the trick could catch some incurable disease, but that harms only him (or her).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,213 Posts
It is cheating no doubt about it, but I've said many times I could forgive my wife pretty easily from a drunken ONS.

A 6 month affair would be much much harder, so while they are the same in my mind they are very different.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Agree with everyone else here. It's cheating.

I do feel you when you talk about how humiliating it is to go in for that STD screening. That was one of the worst moments for me too. Had to ask my OB of 15+ years, who delivered all my children to test me. Makes me tear up thinking about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
^^^^^
Why would you go to him/her then if it was so humiliating? You've posted that a few times on the forums.

Me? I think this is first time I've ever posted here about this.

Are you asking why I chose to go to my personal physician as opposed to an anon clinic for an STD screening? If that's your question, I did so because I trust my doctor. That doesn't make it any less embarrassing to have to explain that you need something like an STD screening due to having been cheated on by your spouse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
146 Posts
I went to my doctor for a regular checkup, she asked if my husband and I were in a monogomous relationship and I broke down. I wouldn't have told her if she didn't ask me.
I cried through all the STD testing. It's humiliating when you are married to someone for 30 years and never ever thought you'd have to have those tests.

Although my husband said he went for 2 erotic massages, she said to have the test anyway because you never know what else he's been doing, and you likely never will.

That was over a year ago, still resentful.

Jen - I admire your courage. Good for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter #34
Husband wants another chance, he says he loves me..I don't believe it. I thought I was willing to try for the kids sake, as I feel I don't love him and won't ever see him the same way...BUT I find that I am miserable..I feel like there were no consequences to his actions. He is only home on weekends. He says he's willing to do anything for this to work..he wants MC but will not quit his job..and honestly I don't want him to either. I don't like that he's out all week which is what makes R so hard. Hard because he's not here for MC, only available weekends..and I don't feel like we're building our marriage back up like we should be.
I wanted to give this a try but it's almost impossible with his schedule. I mean he is remorseful, only slept with a prostitute once he says and was the worst decision of his life, he would never do it again..bla bla bla but how do we move on? When there is no time and he is not here?
MC is a MUST because our relationship SUCKED big time pretty much always and we fight a lot and my oldest seems to be pretty depressed most of the time and I HATE that..she is in kindergarten and already feels sad.
She heard us arguing last weekend and my husband yelling and taking his stuff with him threatening to leave and my daughter was crying and told me she knew this day would come?? I mean she's 6 ughh
I want the best for my kids and he says he does also and he is willing to stop arguing and willing to change to be better..he just wants me to TRUST him..that's all..ha! He said my options are to 1-trust him or 2- go our own ways because the way we are living is taking a toll on him.......................
I don't know what to do, how do you R when the other party is not here...and I also don't know that I'll ever be able to stop thinking about what happened.....but for my kids I can try. I also really want to be in a loving relationship.. I want to know what it is to be with someone who REALLY loves me and who's good to me..but I don't want to be selfish..I want to do the best for my kids..even if it's not the best for me..I don't know.....
Where to go from here?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
254 Posts
I don't have time to read all the comments, etc. but I can read the topic and it takes one second to say YES.

But people in marriages who have ONS work through them and have recovery....but issues in the marriage need to be addressed and fixed through MC, etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
My husband got a blow job from a hooker after I kicked him out for trying to hook up with hookers on line. Today we are very happy together - you can read about it in my sig link if you want. But just know that how you feel today is not necessarily how you will feel in 6 months. Don't decide anything right now - decide after you see if he is willing to do what he needs to to repair things.

Why is him getting another job not an option? You can for sure make that a requisite for moving forward with him. He ROYALLY screwed up here - he is going to HAVE to make some sacrifices if you have a hope in he!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter #37
Hope,
He makes good money and has been there a while.
Before all this happened, we were looking at buying our first home..I was going to quit my job as soon as we bought our house so that I could stay home with my girls. We had some issues with daycare and being that he is gone all week and I work full time and commute another 2 hours round trip..we really felt I needed to stay home because he makes enough to support us.
With all this happening, I am really confused. I really want my kids to have a stable and loving home. I really was looking forward to staying home with them because I feel no one can take care of them like I would..considering the issues we had at daycare.
Now, I feel stuck. I can't quit my job, we had already put an offer on a house..I can quit because if this doesn't work out I need a job to support my kids..
If I make him quit and he is jobless and our relationship still doesn't work out, then it'll just be a huge mess.

What do you think about this? What do I do now? He is willing to be transparent but then again, he did nothing over emails or phone..he just decided to go be with a hooker for 15 mins one night..so I have nothing to check up on him..Even though I am tracking his phone.
I am doing the 180 as I feel I invested too much in this relationship and this is how I get paid..
I am starting IC as well..and he's willing to do MC...he says he'll ask his supervisor to not send him out to work out of town for this next week..I assume MC is more than one week..so I don't know.
I'm just afraid of wasting any more time being unhappy and making my kids unhappy..
please advise..now what?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
How long ago did you find out?

Is there some reason he couldn't start looking for another job ASAP and then leave the one he's at when he does? How hard he looks for a job would be a good indicator of how much he's willing to do here.

Like I say, HE fvcked up. He needs to do whatever you need to fix this.

He should also be accounting for EVERY CENT of his money to you. There should not be a solitary thing he buys that you don't get to see on his bank and cc statements. If he takes money out of a bank machine, you want to have PROOF of what he did with it.

How did he hire this hooker? Did he call her, walk by her on the street, what?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter #39
I found out March 6th.
He doesn't want to quit his job..he's said before if that's what I want, he'll do it but he does nOT want to quit his job..his attitude about that is almost like..fine, if that's what you want, that's what i'll do..then days later tells me he will NOT quit his job.
I think it'd be hard for him to find a job that pays him that well as he is not educated.
I handle all the finances which is why I asked him where did he get the money for this hooker..he said he got it from selling some things he got from his boss..got cash.

He was working near the Mexico border..basically crossed the border walking, took a cab to this strip club/brothel, drank and took her upstairs to the club's hotel for 15 mins, paid $50 for her+$12 for room+$1 towel and condom..cleaned up and went back to his hotel. ughhh just typing that makes me SICK!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
Well, what he wants doesn't count for much right now, does it? If he DOESN'T quit his job, will you be able to handle it? That's the question you need to answer for yourself. Forget what he wants. That does NOT figure into the equation right now.

You are just over 2 months past D day. That's very early. You don't need to make any decisions right now.

Like I said before, he needs to become a totally open book financially to you. You should also check out his story with his boss - what did he sell?

And what is he doing to prove he's only done it once?
 
21 - 40 of 45 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top