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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My relationship started out really, really great. He was loving and kind and wanted to see me all the time. Here we are, 9 months into our relationship. Six months engaged... and he's irritated with me. He has a four year old daughter who I love to death... and I go over and watch her for him. I love spending time with them. But lately it seems like every time I'm over he is always barking at me. "The kitchen's a mess, I vacuumed this morning.."
Getting annoyed at things that shouldn't matter so much. He says he can't get a day or two alone with her. He tells me he's the type of guy where one or two days alone is not enough for him to have space. He asked me to go home for 5 or 6 days... he's so selfish. He's so irritated at my parents because we have a slight "He cheated, he didn't cheat." thing going on. My mother found some letters that looked like soliciting but were not. I knew about them.
I just feel like I'm the only one trying to keep our relationship healthy. He told me yesterday when I broke down crying that I couldn't cry around his daughter in his house. He already had enough drama in his life and he didn't need anymore from me.
Help me out... I'm so troubled and so confused. What's worse is this guy is Army. Which I'm so proud of, but the lifestyle of an army vetran isn't exactly velvety pillows. He was Airborne and Ranger... he's been injured several times. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore and he's just pretending to go along with it. Or waiting for the right time to break it off with me.
Help...
 

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I think you need a dose of reality here. Engaged after 3 months? You don't know this man. He obviously doesn't know you.

There is no happy ending to this story. You passed through the honeymoon stage that every relationship has, only in your case you became engaged during it.

Rather than hoping that things will change for the better, you would do far better to walk away from this as painful as it may be.

His behavior is intended to hurt you, and drive you away - why stick around for that?
 

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I'm in complete agreeance with deejo. Hunny, I'm in a situation that hasn't changed in over 7 years. I am young, and occasionally regret staying because we had a child. We now have 2 kids and a marriage that is on the rocks. The things he is doing after 9 months will only get worse. He will not change, I have found out the hard way.
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This is bad on a few levels. First, the barking at you in front of the girl. You two are engaged, and as such, you are going to be her step-mother. If he's snapping at you and treating you disrespectfully in front of his daughter, he is setting her up to not respect you. You want to talk about potential problems in your upcoming marriage? That's a biggie!

You go to his house and he jumps you because HIS kitchen is a mess? Do you do all the cleaning when you are there? Did you trash his kitchen? You said you gover over there and watch her for him. So, you're an OK person if you're babysitting for him?

He doesn't want you crying in front of his daugher because then he looks like an ass.

I'd back wayyyyyyyy off. This sounds like a reciepe for disaster in the making.
 

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Leave. Leave today. Pack your stuff and go. RUN. Do not walk - I mean it - RUN away from this situation as fast as you can.

If you stay with this man, you're going to end up in a living hell that you cannot even begin to imagine right now. I know that deep down inside we all think we have magic vaginas that will make men change, but I can promise you from very painful, very personal experience that men like this DO NOT CHANGE, EVER, except to go from barking and sniping to yelling and screaming, and from there they start hitting. Especially if they are ex-military*. We all love and support our troops but these are people who are specifically trained to be violent, and then they go out and see terrible things and they don't get the kind of support they need to integrate back into the "real" world. They get a lousy deal... but if you're with one of these powder kegs, you're the one who is going to get hurt.

Right now you can buy yourself a break from a LOT of heartache by having a little bit of heartache now.

What's it going to be?




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*And now the big disclaimer for sensitive souls who don't like generalizations or who think anyone who ever says anything other than "yay, troops!" is somehow unpatriotic, a communist, a terrorist, or whatever else: YES, I AM WELL AWARE THAT NOT ALL VETERANS ARE VIOLENT ABUSERS. PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT SAY THAT THEY ARE. Please do not send me nasty PMs about what you think my beliefs are. Thank you.
 

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It almost sounds like you want to be a mother to his daughter more than be with him. I think it may be a good idea to give it some space. He's giving you all of the signals that he needs it and frankly, you may need it more than you think.

Try and work this through BEFORE getting married to this guy. By that time, if it doesn't get any better, it'll be much harder for you to leave. Sorry to be harsh... but you should take it easy and just see what happens.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I want a solution that doesn't involve leaving him. I know he loves me, I'm just wondering what has changed. If he needs space I guess I should give it. But it's hard for me personally to be away from him for more than a few days. I don't know why it just is. I'm afraid to lose him, maybe I'm the wedge being driven between us. Maybe I've been suffocating him and now I reaping the penalties.
I'm going to give him a few days and see how it goes... then... we'll see.
 

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Well, good luck then. I will say this one more time, from the perspective of a (former) social worker who saw situations like this all the time over the 6 years I worked before I had my daughter: this man is going to become more abusive toward you, not less. Once you are married to him and really "stuck" with him, he will begin to display distrust and jealousy. At first you will find this charming and flattering. Then it will become annoying. Finally, you will find it oppressive. You will argue more and more.

One day he is going to slap your face, or punch you in the mouth. Within seconds he will display extreme remorse and will promise it will never happen again. But it will happen again. You will continue to think that you can change him, that he loves you, that he wouldn't ever hurt you, that he made a mistake, lost control, lost his temper, he's "really a good guy at heart" and everybody freaks out now and then.

And then someday he'll break your ribs, or he'll dislocate your elbow, or rip your hair out, or otherwise put you in the hospital. So, honey, you can grow some backbone today and go find a man who really loves you, or you can condemn yourself to being with a man who will treat you like garbage and who very well might cause you physical harm in addition to the emotional damage he's already doing.

IF - and it's a big IF - if this man is as you have described him, you are walking blindfolded in a minefield with no map.
 

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I'm afraid to lose him
TU,

Please take what Mal wrote seriously. Don't let YOUR insecurity that you won't ever find someone to love you be what keeps you with this man.

Ask yourself, IF this were MY daughter, would I want her to be with this man who is treating her like this? When I have children do I really want this man to be their father? Do they deserve better?

BELIEVE this .... YOU DESERVE MORE than what you've said this man is giving!!!!! Your future children do too!!!!!

Just my $0.02.
deeply concerned for you,
Lost
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
My guy has never hurt anyone, in fact I've never seen him mad. He's had the beatings dealt on him by an abusive wife, now ex-wife.
I'm not leaving this guy, because I know it won't escalate.
He and I had a long discussion yesterday and he said he needed space. That he can't be around the same person for a long period of time. As stupid as that is, I don't want to suffocate him. But it's so hard for me to leave. I don't want to lose him, I love him... through and through. I need to be the one to fix our relationship... I just don't understand him is all. I need help understanding where he's coming from...
 

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I understand that you don't want to leave him. It's easy for us to say that, isn't it? We're not the ones who actually have to do it!

But I would still advocate that you give him the space he says that he needs. Even a few days apart may help him to breathe, and then it will be easier to talk with you about this.

Good for you to be committed. Just remember that to understand him, you need to listen as well. If he says space, give it to him. And many blessings to you all. :)
 

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I think you should go into counseling for yourself. You sound quite a bit co-dependent. "I can't leave him" "I can't not be near him" - if he is an independent guy and you are co-dependent it may very well seem like you are smothering him.
 

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and I had a long discussion yesterday and he said he needed space. That he can't be around the same person for a long period of time. ...
OK. I don't see where this does not raise some kind of concern with you. Folks am I seeing this wrong? "That he can't be around the same person for a long period of time." Goodness gracious; what does he think a marriage is? I know that heeding the advice of the good folks on here to RUN is not an option for you so the only advice I would give rather the RUN is APPROACH this situation SLOWLY! You should think about the comment above carefully. Marriage is ALWAYS being with the same person for a SUPER LONG period of time; and it gets a whole lot tougher. You should really discuss that with him. Maybe what I am reading here is not exactly what he meant but it sure does read that way.
 

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Going to start with - what i am about to suggest is strictly my opinion- i don't know how your relationship really is, i can simply make assumptions based on what you're saying...

While I can't say if it's a good or bad decission not to leave him, i can understand why you don't want to.

He told me yesterday when I broke down crying that I couldn't cry around his daughter in his house. He already had enough drama in his life and he didn't need anymore from me.
........My guy has never hurt anyone, in fact I've never seen him mad. He's had the beatings dealt on him by an abusive wife, now ex-wife.
Well, rationally speaking, his daughter has been around for quite a few fights (probably) between her two parents. He obviously feels the need to protect her, being her parent. So i'm guessing the last thing he would want is for his daughter to see him fighting with a woman all over again. Also, the thing with people from abusive relationships, they have a short fuse.

Meaning, they've had so much fighting, that as soon as you start crying, they will automatically remember all the fighting in the past. Since that's very hurtful for them, the last thing on their mind will be how the other person feels. They'll most likely focus on how hurt they feel, or angry...they'll probably even be angry on their mate for making them feel that way again. This might sound selfish but it's normal and human. When we're in pain, emotionally, physically etc...we focus on ourselves...that's the whole point of the sensation.

What's worse is this guy is Army. Which I'm so proud of, but the lifestyle of an army vetran isn't exactly velvety pillows. He was Airborne and Ranger... he's been injured several times.
Ok, so person who learned to be tough, hide weakness and cope with any situation. If he likes those qualities in himself, most likely he'll want to see em in people he loves as well. Did you start the relationship being in control and independent and strong? Are you now perhaps more clingy, touchy feely and sensitive?

I don't know why it just is. I'm afraid to lose him, maybe I'm the wedge being driven between us. Maybe I've been suffocating him and now I reaping the penalties.
Yes, maybe you're trying a bit too hard. Maybe that's exactly what he liked about you, that you could take care of your own self. And now that you're afraid of loosing him, he might sense a bit of that neediness. You being needy might mean he's starting to feel like he's responsible for your happiness. He already has his daughter to take care of, and he already failed with his wife. So maybe that's what he dreads, thinking that he needs to take care of you too. Hence, pushing you away. Or maybe he just needs a bit of distance because he's already been hurt and he's afraid of getting too close. In this situation, what helps the most is being trustworthy, understanding and never bringing any drama. This obviously takes some self control over your own feelings (not bursting into tears when you're sad, etc).

If you stop to think about what it was like when you met, you can to some extent figure out how you were different from now, and why he chose you.

I'm not counting the leaving option because you said you don't want that. And as a matter of fact unless you're being beaten, your husband is a junky, or has cheated more than twice on you, i'll never say anything about leaving, because it's still workable. But what i do think is that you should give him space, act happy in doing so (! basically, a -with or without you i'm happy attitude even if you don't feel like that inside) and work on your confidence. It's normal that you love him, but you always have to be ok and secure on your own as well.

Another thing i can say...don't submit. If he needs space now, do it, enjoy it as much as you can. If after a week he wants you back, come back and be nice and happy. If after that he asks for space again, make sure you let him know you'll give it to him, but that you aren't a puppet and that next time he wants you back it might not be on his own schedule. Politely, obviously, but make him be aware of that. ;) And best of luck.
 

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It is clear to everyone but you. We are all a little like this.
It is abusive although he may never hit you. Sounds like the classic story. You will find he will manipulate and control you as is already happening - he is barking at his FIANCE that the Kitchen is a mess? What do you think is going to happen after you are married.
This is not going to be easy, but staying with him will not have a happy ending.
 

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You became engaged 3 months into the relationship. You cannot possibly know someone well enough to love them for who they are in 3 months--even if you are together 24/7, you haven't seen enough of him--nor he of you--in different situations to know if you love each other or if you are in love with being wanted, in love with what you THINK the other person is, in love with something OTHER than the real person.

How can you love someone who doesn't even want you around for several days in a row and it's STILL the "newlywed" phase? How can you feel good about yourself when you are so miserable without him? Please, these are all signs that you are very insecure, and those of us who have been there recognize them. Get counseling for yourself--not as part of deciding whether or not to leave him; that's irrelevant--the question is, why are you so needy? In the long run, that will be the primary source of your unhappiness. If you are happy with yourself, you'll have just as much fun without him as with him--and his role in your life is a choice for you, not an essential. Good luck.
 

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I want a solution that doesn't involve leaving him. I know he loves me, I'm just wondering what has changed. If he needs space I guess I should give it. But it's hard for me personally to be away from him for more than a few days. I don't know why it just is. I'm afraid to lose him, maybe I'm the wedge being driven between us. Maybe I've been suffocating him and now I reaping the penalties.
I'm going to give him a few days and see how it goes... then... we'll see.
First, how old are you?

Second, there is NO reason for a man to need extended 'alone' time from his wife. If he needs it now, he'll demand it then. This is not a healthy relationship and I don't see the love you're talking about. I see a man who wanted a convenience. I assume you're giving him sex?
 

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He has shown you who he is. You do not want to see it. Do not rush into marriage. If he loves you today, he'll love you in a year or two. Give yourself time to work through these issues. The more mature you will see the person he is showing you, and then you can make a better decision for yourself.
 
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