Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My relationship started out really, really great. He was loving and kind and wanted to see me all the time. Here we are, 9 months into our relationship. Six months engaged... and he's irritated with me. He has a four year old daughter who I love to death... and I go over and watch her for him. I love spending time with them. But lately it seems like every time I'm over he is always barking at me. "The kitchen's a mess, I vacuumed this morning.."
Getting annoyed at things that shouldn't matter so much. He says he can't get a day or two alone with her. He tells me he's the type of guy where one or two days alone is not enough for him to have space. He asked me to go home for 5 or 6 days... he's so selfish. He's so irritated at my parents because we have a slight "He cheated, he didn't cheat." thing going on. My mother found some letters that looked like soliciting but were not. I knew about them.
I just feel like I'm the only one trying to keep our relationship healthy. He told me yesterday when I broke down crying that I couldn't cry around his daughter in his house. He already had enough drama in his life and he didn't need anymore from me.
Help me out... I'm so troubled and so confused. What's worse is this guy is Army. Which I'm so proud of, but the lifestyle of an army vetran isn't exactly velvety pillows. He was Airborne and Ranger... he's been injured several times. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore and he's just pretending to go along with it. Or waiting for the right time to break it off with me.
Help...

Would like some advice by both men and women... not looking to leave this guy at all. Just need someones 2 cents...
Thanks..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Sorry but it does sound like a one way street.
He is not being very respectful towards you and he is barking orders at you and you are doing as your told which is not the way a healthy relationship should operate. Its not about him its about the both of you and he needs to start showing that,no matter what he has gone through. It is common courtesy.
Perhaps counselling if you havent already tried to talk things out of what you want from the relationship and what he wants and see how many things you have in common which could then help formulate a plan for the future.
If you stick around under the current circumstances you will be controlled and I really doubt anyone wants that.
Good luck to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
I agree things between you now aren't the way they should be, and there's not much you can do... I think the best (and probably only) thing you can do now is give him space like he asked you. Keep contact with him as minimum as possible for a while. Of course he's being selfish but he may later come to his senses and apologize for the way he is being with you now. Like you mentioned he is an army veteran so he may have scars and bruises that you haven't seen yet, that don't show up on his body. If it is so it wouldn't be shocking that some of his ways are difficult to understand. Maybe even for him.
I wish you all the luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Hello Truly unloved
I am really sorry for your situation it's really hard when someone you love doesn't see you the way they should.
I know you are not ready to leave and you want to make this relationship work. Heres my 2 cents

Give him something to miss! Now I'm not saying stop all contact for 6months I'm saying for a week or even two back down just a little. Let him have time to miss you.
Spend some time with your girlfriends or even your mom look into a hobby you've thought wold be fun. Shoot him an email or text but keep it light and fun tell him you just wanted to say hey and see how his day was. If he's grouchy don't be defensive just think of quick reason to get off the phone kinda like "oh my cookies are done I have to go I 'll call you tomorrow Luv you"
And let me tell ya if you treat him non chalantly like that as if you have him on your mind but you have other things too he will be eating out of your hand, He will also be wondeing why your not showering him with attention (that he doesn't appreciate right now)

Oh and one more thing STOP cleaning his house until he starts to thank you with kisses for it. He will but only if you let him miss you lots first, wait till he invites you over go over but don't stay real long think of something else you want to do after and don't clean up just stay for a visit.

I know you will want to stay and you want to spend time with him but if you can suck it up and do this for a week it will be worth it.

I am by no means saying to be rude or mean to him You love this guy ! No what I'm saying is you have to appear to him like you did when you first met, I have been there before and back again I promise if you try this and it doesn't work I'll eat my hat.


Good luck keep us posted Amberlee
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hey Amberlee,

Thanks a ton.. You're advice is awesome.. that's exactly what I've begun to do. I'm giving him his space and keeping little contact. Although, we had an altercation this morning. And maybe I was in the wrong, I'm not quite sure.
I asked him a couple of days ago how much more it would cost to add a third person to the apartment. He said 75 to 100 dollars. I couldn't believe it would cost that much. So I decided to call the Landlord to confirm. He told me that it doesn't cost more to have two adults and one child in the apartment. I was excited, I can only stay with him 2 or 3 days a week, instead of whenever I want. So I told him and he acted really mad. I made him mad by asking the landlord. He told me we needed to talk in person.

Firstly, he hasn't even given me a key. Second, I used to look after his daughter for him when he had errands. Now he says I don't need a key because he'll only be gone about an hour if he really needs to be gone. And some places he can take her with him.

Was I out of line to talk to the landlord? And am I crazy or does it sound like he just flat out doesn't want me around? Or is this a "Space Need" thing?? He said today he was thinking about breaking up with me... he was thinking about giving up!!

I need help understanding this guy... any thoughts??
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
567 Posts
To him you were trying to figure out how to get more time with him when he had just asked you to give him space. Yes it was over the line - if he'd wanted you to move in he would of asked you to do so. I think you are co-dependent and would recommend counseling for yourself to see why you are letting your life be so controlled by the need to be near him all the time. I'm not sure he's being selfish - I think he's being honest with you and you just don't want to hear it. You want to make him into a villian when he's clearly told you what he needs. Pushing him on it isn't going to help...it will push him right on out the door. AND if this is the type of relationship you want to be in then you have to listen and work with his needs as well - not just yours. Seriously take the counseling into consideration. You need to be happy with yourself as an individual and not happy as in connection to him. Men tend to find self assured and independent women more attractive than clingy needy ones...which is how you are coming across from what you wrote.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
I totally agre with TNgirl you talking with the landlord wayyyyy out of line you will have to wait until this becomes HIS idea.
This guy is freakin,you have moved right into that wife role and that scares him and makes him think you are getting too serious and he may not be ready.
You need to become his girlfriend again. Spend time with his daughter but do it casually and let him find another sitter once in awhile.
Seriously back wayyyyy off I promise you that if you do you will start to get perspective you are giving way too much of yourself to him before he can truly appreciate you.
I really don't want you to lose yourself which often happens to us women we give 100 % and we forget we are not just his girlfriend / wife or the kids mom
You have to keep your own identity and work not just to be with him,but to be a great girl standing on her own two feet that has alot to offer a relationship, when you ge there he will be alot more receptive to you.
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top