[Confused Chick]

Hello all. Ive been a viewer on the forums for a few months and I guess its about time I posted for some input. Im literally feeling the end of what I can take and I love my husband but the pain and hurt and crying to make myself feel better is tearing me up.

I don't know what to say he is addicted to, possibly talking to/meeting new women online. Sometimes flirting with them, other times just to say how was your day.

Now do understand, we are both introverted so neither of us have a huge friend pool, and honestly for me everyone except him i can only handle in bursts. Id rather be alone or with him to be at my most comfortable and happy level. I assume it is similar for him as he has no close male friends where we live. He has some from other areas he lived in from being military though.

When we are apart we send sweet texts and say i miss you, and love you and random little sweet things. When we are together were always hugging, touching, kissing. For all intense purposes it seems fine but then behind my back he goes online and messages women. You probably wonder how I know this. When we dated he had a problem with sites like fling and adultfriendfinder and he gave me access to all of us stuff and said i could look whenever i wanted. Sometimes I just wonder if he honestly did drop it all cause he will tell me he did. But i always see something. Recently its that he made an account on a social network that is not named in adult nature but lots of people on it seem to want nothing but sex, one night stands when traveling, and flirting with each other, as well as a lot of foreign overseas ladies looking for a way to the USA. These oversea beauties seem to be the ones hes always flirting with, and he does have a bit of a thing for foreign ladies.

In the past, i have confronted him about it, a few times I even asked if he thought he had a problem he wasn't aware of, and he always says no and that he doesn't do it anymore. Obviously he always says what he thinks i want to hear to make it all better and go away.

Am I crazy?

The history of this to me looks like some kind of addiction and i feel like for this to work needs to seek some assistance to find out what is causing this deep desire to continuously find a way to sneak around chatting to women. I understand some couples might have secrets, but a need to talk to, meet and flirt with other women to me doesn't seem right.

Or is this normal, happily married men that just like to have a little flirting on the side that couldn't turn into anything real because its so far away and not tangible enough to pull you in real life?

Im so frustrated right now Im not sure what details to include or not, I just hope you wonderful people can give me some input as I feel like im pulling myself in two directions and neither is winning.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Benevolence]

Sounds like he never got a chance to sow his wild oats. Ask him how he would like it if you went online in search of strange men to flirt with. Sometimes people only see things from their point of view.

 

[3Xnocharm]

He is lying and he is cheating. No, this is not normal for happily married men. Sounds to me like he needs therapy for both issues and that you both need marriage counseling.

 

[Confused Chick]

Thanks for the replies. These are not ALL the details as that may take a while to type, but
I guess I hit my limit and I packed my stuff and left while he was at work Sunday night. At one point I did say, so if I were online talking to all these men who tell me how beautiful I am and put up a picture of me in my bra that wouldn't bother you. And he said a little, and then something to defend his own behavior on why it wouldn't bother him and that he trusts me not to do anything.
I mentioned many times I did not think this was something he could or we could do alone. But he said he stopped before and will again now that he knows all this. And he admitted a few times he realizes that things have to change and stop if he wants this marriage to stay together.
By the end of our talk which lasted into the next day he was no longer defending his behavior and admitting that it was wrong of him and apologizing for causing this hurt on me that he thought would never see the light of day. He thought it was "his demon" and hidden beyond my sight. He claims now that he sees my side of things and sees how it hurts and affects me that he won't keep trying to apply his own logic to the situation, because his logic cannot apply to me as my own person and so he will change. He has admitted he knows it won't be easy but he knows he can do this because I mean more to him than this "dumb thing" as he called it. I know at this point it is a rough shot in the dark, but I guess I will give him this final chance, and if he slips, there are no excuses he knows exactly how much it has affected me. And so that will leave the option of divorce.
I don’t know if some of his words were truth or just attempting to make me believe so I would stay, but if he wanted me gone, it seems that he would have not asked me to come home Sunday to talk about things. But truth be told, his actions will show over the next few months if I can trust him again, or if I will be filing paperwork. Cause I did tell him, he would have to stay transparent, I would need to see and know everything to trust him and know that he means what he is saying this time.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

At the root of all this is that you are a real person, you have communicated to him how his behavior hurts you, and he chooses to continue the behavior. It may be an addiction, but he can choose to take steps to end the addiction. It sounds like he is just not into you. If he were, he would do anything to stop this behavior in order not to hurt you.

 

[Confused Chick]

At the root of all this is that you are a real person, you have communicated to him how his behavior hurts you, and he chooses to continue the behavior. It may be an addiction, but he can choose to take steps to end the addiction. It sounds like he is just not into you. If he were, he would do anything to stop this behavior in order not to hurt you.

Before yes. But this time seems different. This time he see's that I am not the enabler I previously was. He see's that I am beyond hurt. I've ventured into anger and that I am ready to throw my towel on the floor and walk.

He has a lot to prove going forward and he knows that he is on thin ice. He even went as far as to say that I could log his PC, laptop and phone cause he wants me to see and know how serious he is about fixing things.

But. His actions & Time shall tell.

 

[angelpixie]

Go further than that and install a keylogger on his computer. If he wants to, he will figure out how to hide it from you. I know because I had this problem with my soon-to-be-ex years ago. Except with him it was downloading porn. He gave me the same speeches, and they never lasted. I'd eventually find it hidden in files on the computer with weird names, etc.

Don't just trust his word. Look for ways to independently verify. Good for you for taking a stand. Eventually, STBXH convinced me that he was just a normal guy, and I was overly uptight for having it bother me. It never stopped bothering me, but I thought I was in the wrong.

 

[Confused Chick]

I agree angelpixie.

I have "heard the talk" a few times now and Ive told him that the only way this is working, is if I can verify his actions match his words this time. And that meant complete transparency. After leaving, one of the things he said is you can keylog my PC, laptop, phone, anything you want to know I am serious about this. Yesterday I even typed up a consent form that includes what he mentioned plus any new devices that come up that are capable of transmitting communication to anyone. I presented it when we got home and he kind of laughed and said something about me thinking he would really try to do something about it and said OK I told you I would, as he reached for a pen and signed it. Which I honestly did not think he would. I thought right there would be the, anger and denial and a fight. Cause I know how he is. So that was a very good sign he does mean it. At least for now. My concern is when he buckles into the addiction and tries to sneak a new email just to chat with some oversea beauty.

Oh. I know what you mean about feeling wrong. I told myself for the last several months, your married now, you have to accept him for him. And I tried and tried. But alas the stress beat me into admitting nope I can't deal with it, and a therapist lead me to realize, if i couldn't I had to go. Living a big lie inside is no way for anyone to live. It kills you from the inside.

 

[Confused Chick]

angelpixie. would you PM me the program name you use? Im not sure I like the one I have.

 

[angelpixie]

I never got to that point, unfortunately for me. I didn't discover TAM until we were already split. But if you do a search on the main page of the forums for 'keylogger' I know you'll find posts where people tell what ones are best. There's the kind you actually plug into the computer, and there's the kind that are a program you install. I think you can find one that's free, if I remember correctly.