You seem pretty jovial. for someone who hasn't gotten laid in 5 years, only to find out your wife is out banging up a storm. Its not that she doesn't want sex, just not with you.Thanks for moving this to the correct forum. I am not the one in need of STD testing. If the day comes where my wife and I are possibly sexual again I will ensure she gets herself tested. I did bring it up to her, but she is sure that he doesn't have anything and they used condoms...I mean, he's married right - I'm sure he's never done anything like this before!
Did your vows say anything about ADULTERY!Hahaha!
I WROTE my post. I have thought about it. I live it.
I took vows. I intended those vows to be serious, they are. Till death, better/worse, sickness/health. Didn't say anything about number of years, didn't guarantee bliss or even happiness. I didn't take them in my 20's or even my 30's. I didn't take them with my eyes closed or without seeing friend's marriages fall apart.
I am introducing myself per the sign up instructions.
I am mainly on this site because I found it informative leafing through the forums. I also joined because some things in a marriage are best talked about anonymously with people that don't know either party in the marriage.
I am married (so far) for 12 years and we have three children under the age of twelve. Our marriage has been less than happy for at least the last 5 years (from my perspective, maybe longer from hers). In that time neither of us had the insight to try and sit down with the other and try and talk or figure things out. Seems like that might have been helpful early on. My main complaint is the lack of sex for 4, going on 5 years...that is complete lack of sex between my wife and myself in that time.
Recently, at the beginning of 2019, I discovered my wife cheating on me. According to her it had been going on only about two or three months...seemingly the start of it was non-memorable enough that she can't pin down the timeframe as to it's starting one or two months before it was discovered. Frankly, I mostly don't care when or how long other than my general need for precision. Assuming she is not lying (no comments necessary on the acronym of 'assume') this is the only affair and by that time in the marriage an affair is almost a formality.
The odd thing is that our situation isn't that bad. We are both genial people whom others like and would be shocked to discover aren't experiencing marital bliss, many seem to see ours as an example of a wonderful marriage. She is impatient and can be committed to getting her own way. I tend to have a northern sense of an argument not involving the raising of voices but rather outright yelling and I tend to have less filter than many people in the South appreciate. We married when she was early thirties and I early forties. After child three she seems to have made the unilateral decision that was enough. Being practicing Catholics that means relying on NFP, which does work but requires work to ensure it does work. She never did and never tried to do that work. I took a while to fully realize/accept that her decision to have no more children was a decision to stop all sex without explanation, pity or attempt to mitigate by trying to stick to the NFP routine. She had been baptized Catholic and fully joined while we were dating. I never pressured her and was somewhat surprised when she brought up going through the process of becoming Catholic. She knew I was committed to not using artificial birth control in our marriage and at one point said that she liked not having to be on the pill because it messed with her body. Of course all this was when she wanted to be married and have children.
So at this point we are sort of in a hold pattern where we are working on being more courteous with one another and periodically cuddling and being closer, although she has zero current intent of sexual activity with me. I also should say that after learning of the affair I did some soul searching and realized that I had never fully allowed myself to be 'in love' with her, likewise she had never allowed herself to 'fall in love' with me...we both 'loved' one another, in part because neither demanded of the other to be fully let in to that walled off part of the other's heart.
Earlier in life I came to the conclusion that one actually makes a conscious decision to fall in love, to allow the walls to come down (just as one consciously keeps the walls in place to protect themselves). After the affair came to my attention I took several days to figure out if I was actually in love with her. The fact that I had to do that is telling of our relationship. I finally decided that yes, I think I do love her. From there I decided, partly because I had little to lose, that I would let myself fall in love with her. Stupid, yes; but in a way necessary.
That decision, rather than weakening me and putting me in a position of haplessly filling her needs and empowering her to run the show has had an immense internal effect on me. I have little doubt that she thinks herself in charge and happily avoiding any retribution for her behavior. However, her behavior is her own and the consequences of it are and will be mostly internal. Maybe she will proceed blindly on and uncaringly indulge her whims and fantasies...at least as long as age and physical capability allow. Maybe she will come to realize that there is not 'need' behind my staying and caring. Who knows and to some extent who cares? The decision has provided me immense internal joy (not necessarily happiness). I am a person who has often said it is hate which keeps you strong. Love may be patient and kind but it can't provide the kind of white hot rage that will get you up off the ground when everything in you says to stay down...but...anger is a tiring burden after a long enough portion of life. Somewhere she is holding a grudge, one doesn't stay married and forgo sex for 4 or 5 years with the person they married and have children with without there being some level of maintained anger or hate. I have not yet forgiven her those 4+ years but I will come to that point. The affair lingers but I have mostly forgiven, other than if I dwell on the attitude she puts out there of not seeing it as in any way personal towards me.
I guess my main reason for coming here is to try and get some insight into what makes a woman, particularly a mother of younger children, have an affair and incur the risks to those children. I may end up becoming glad I came here because I figure out other things too but that's my main reason right now.
This feels like an incredibly abusive relationship. Abusive even in allowing your wife to carry on without repercussion. She might even feel invisible. Doing things to get a reaction that never comes. "What's it going to take?"It's not, but that's pretty funny...too complicated to be subliminal either.