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Thanks for moving this to the correct forum. I am not the one in need of STD testing. If the day comes where my wife and I are possibly sexual again I will ensure she gets herself tested. I did bring it up to her, but she is sure that he doesn't have anything and they used condoms...I mean, he's married right - I'm sure he's never done anything like this before! :p
You seem pretty jovial. for someone who hasn't gotten laid in 5 years, only to find out your wife is out banging up a storm. Its not that she doesn't want sex, just not with you.
 

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This almost seems completely made up.
As a practicing Catholic myself and divorced (from the advice of my priest).
You need to read "The Rational Male"
Get your head on straight before you blow up.
You are not married in the eyes of the church.
She has divorced you religiously.
 

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Hahaha!
I WROTE my post. I have thought about it. I live it.

I took vows. I intended those vows to be serious, they are. Till death, better/worse, sickness/health. Didn't say anything about number of years, didn't guarantee bliss or even happiness. I didn't take them in my 20's or even my 30's. I didn't take them with my eyes closed or without seeing friend's marriages fall apart.
Did your vows say anything about ADULTERY!
 

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Ah yes, the rollover puppy dog approach. Wife kicked me in the guts but if I run up and roll over she'll pity me and maybe pat me on the head and if I'm a really good puppy dog maybe even a belly rub.

You're gonna do the analysis to paralysis approach because deep down You are living in fear and are terrified of actually having to do something so You'd rather wallow in infidelity.

Your own words are to make yourself feel better about being a doormat. Self congratulatory so you can take the cowardly way out of doing nothing. Which in these situations is the worst thing you can do.

Don't think for a second no one sees through your bull****.

If you want to get out of this with your best interest get strong, stay there and take control of your end. Anyone can.

Fear is a liar that will keep you bound.
 

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You give excuse after excuse as to why you are there, but what it boils down to is that you are WEAK. What you are doing is not an example of strength, it is sheer weakness, and it sets a terrible example of marriage for your kids. Maybe your marriage would not have been sexless all these years if you would have released your death grip on your religion and allowed use of some damn birth control. Your wife was perfectly within her right to decide she did not want to bear more children, and YOU should have supported that and done what you could to make sure no more came along. I cant stand it when people blindly follow religion to their own detriment. What happens is where you find yourself now. I am not excusing her affair, she should have ended the marriage instead. I have zero doubt she used some kind of birth control with her affair partner.

You should be enacting consequences for what she has done, not cuddling on the couch with her, kissing her ass. She is going to keep doing this because you are allowing it.
 

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You haven't had sex with your wife for 4-5 years. I'd be willing to bet that the affair has been going on that long, and she's not having sex with you because she would be cheating on her affair partner. Think about that and wake the hell up.
 

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Hp,
We are all conflicted at times. Every person I know is sometimes conflicted regarding the choice between punishment and forgiveness. That internal conflict can however, be very toxic to ourselves and our family.

Your post below, is however the single most conflicted I have ever read on TAM. That is not a good thing. For instance, I’m guessing that your wife finds the practice of NFP at odds with the idea of you shouting at her when you two argue. And she likely sees you shouting at her as an attempt to intimidate. You are bigger and stronger yes? And surely you shared your fondness for vengeful, angry and or hateful feelings. Perhaps you have injured those who angered you in the past?

This devout, Catholic theme doesn’t align well with the idea of traumatizing your children by taking them to Mommy’s affair hotel. Just the idea itself, is completely at odds with the whole NFP thing.

So maybe your wife feels that this self righteous use of NFP is inconsistent with the rest of your behavioral package.

And most women aren’t keen on double talk. Aren’t keen at all. You say: I’m joyous but not happy. I’m amiable but I shout when we disagree. I’m devout but also extremely vengeful. This is not a humorous set of inconsistencies. Nor a lovable one.

This last bit - I hesitated long and hard before typing - but here goes. Do you really think that your wife practiced NFP with her lover? Seriously?




Hello,

I am introducing myself per the sign up instructions.

I am mainly on this site because I found it informative leafing through the forums. I also joined because some things in a marriage are best talked about anonymously with people that don't know either party in the marriage.

I am married (so far) for 12 years and we have three children under the age of twelve. Our marriage has been less than happy for at least the last 5 years (from my perspective, maybe longer from hers). In that time neither of us had the insight to try and sit down with the other and try and talk or figure things out. Seems like that might have been helpful early on. My main complaint is the lack of sex for 4, going on 5 years...that is complete lack of sex between my wife and myself in that time.

Recently, at the beginning of 2019, I discovered my wife cheating on me. According to her it had been going on only about two or three months...seemingly the start of it was non-memorable enough that she can't pin down the timeframe as to it's starting one or two months before it was discovered. Frankly, I mostly don't care when or how long other than my general need for precision. Assuming she is not lying (no comments necessary on the acronym of 'assume') this is the only affair and by that time in the marriage an affair is almost a formality.

The odd thing is that our situation isn't that bad. We are both genial people whom others like and would be shocked to discover aren't experiencing marital bliss, many seem to see ours as an example of a wonderful marriage. She is impatient and can be committed to getting her own way. I tend to have a northern sense of an argument not involving the raising of voices but rather outright yelling and I tend to have less filter than many people in the South appreciate. We married when she was early thirties and I early forties. After child three she seems to have made the unilateral decision that was enough. Being practicing Catholics that means relying on NFP, which does work but requires work to ensure it does work. She never did and never tried to do that work. I took a while to fully realize/accept that her decision to have no more children was a decision to stop all sex without explanation, pity or attempt to mitigate by trying to stick to the NFP routine. She had been baptized Catholic and fully joined while we were dating. I never pressured her and was somewhat surprised when she brought up going through the process of becoming Catholic. She knew I was committed to not using artificial birth control in our marriage and at one point said that she liked not having to be on the pill because it messed with her body. Of course all this was when she wanted to be married and have children.

So at this point we are sort of in a hold pattern where we are working on being more courteous with one another and periodically cuddling and being closer, although she has zero current intent of sexual activity with me. I also should say that after learning of the affair I did some soul searching and realized that I had never fully allowed myself to be 'in love' with her, likewise she had never allowed herself to 'fall in love' with me...we both 'loved' one another, in part because neither demanded of the other to be fully let in to that walled off part of the other's heart.
Earlier in life I came to the conclusion that one actually makes a conscious decision to fall in love, to allow the walls to come down (just as one consciously keeps the walls in place to protect themselves). After the affair came to my attention I took several days to figure out if I was actually in love with her. The fact that I had to do that is telling of our relationship. I finally decided that yes, I think I do love her. From there I decided, partly because I had little to lose, that I would let myself fall in love with her. Stupid, yes; but in a way necessary.
That decision, rather than weakening me and putting me in a position of haplessly filling her needs and empowering her to run the show has had an immense internal effect on me. I have little doubt that she thinks herself in charge and happily avoiding any retribution for her behavior. However, her behavior is her own and the consequences of it are and will be mostly internal. Maybe she will proceed blindly on and uncaringly indulge her whims and fantasies...at least as long as age and physical capability allow. Maybe she will come to realize that there is not 'need' behind my staying and caring. Who knows and to some extent who cares? The decision has provided me immense internal joy (not necessarily happiness). I am a person who has often said it is hate which keeps you strong. Love may be patient and kind but it can't provide the kind of white hot rage that will get you up off the ground when everything in you says to stay down...but...anger is a tiring burden after a long enough portion of life. Somewhere she is holding a grudge, one doesn't stay married and forgo sex for 4 or 5 years with the person they married and have children with without there being some level of maintained anger or hate. I have not yet forgiven her those 4+ years but I will come to that point. The affair lingers but I have mostly forgiven, other than if I dwell on the attitude she puts out there of not seeing it as in any way personal towards me.

I guess my main reason for coming here is to try and get some insight into what makes a woman, particularly a mother of younger children, have an affair and incur the risks to those children. I may end up becoming glad I came here because I figure out other things too but that's my main reason right now.
 

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We are not supposed to blame the betrayed spouse on TAM, BS, that's you.

Yet, how in the hell were you expecting a woman in her prime to be, to remain celibate?
Chubby, or not.

Apparently, you can.

Ninety percent of other men and women in your age bracket cannot.

And should NOT be expected to.
 

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"To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others," She does not honor her vows.

Did you stay for the children? I would not have stayed after 4 to 5 months of denial as it is indicative of disrespect and hatefulness that was purposeful. If you want your marriage to be loving in all that entails, make her defecate or get off the commode. She has certainly shown that she is capable of coitus, just not with you.

You seem cerebral, and proud of it. You wish to save your marriage, you better make her believe that you are willing to do it.

1. File. Nothing like being served papers to make a hypothetical situation into a reality. Have her served for alienation of affection. If she becomes remorseful you can stop the process. Otherwise, get on with it and find someone who will love you.

2. DNA test your children. I don't care if they are the spitting image of you. Sets a tone.

3. 180 technique. Follow religiously: https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/affairrecoveryforum/the-180-t10616.html

4. Demand a timeline of her affair. If it seems fishy, check it with a polygraph.

5. Get yourself into IC and find out why you are willing to stand by for this.

5. You need to decide whether you are going to stand by for this treatment & continue on in a loveless, sexless marriage, or will you show strength & courage? You came here to discuss your situation. The best answer for you is to get off the pot yourself and take action.
 

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It's not, but that's pretty funny...too complicated to be subliminal either.
This feels like an incredibly abusive relationship. Abusive even in allowing your wife to carry on without repercussion. She might even feel invisible. Doing things to get a reaction that never comes. "What's it going to take?"

You should consider stopping the intellectualization of what's going on and fully grasp the emotional issues and consequences. You are two real people, both playing a game with consequences, but it seems that neither of you has ever discussed that.

Whether you move on with your lives separately or try to reconcile, a little bit of each of you is destroyed every day you wait. And likely your kids too. Don't let an endless thread here fuel you in some way. You need to take action of some sort. Because if you don't, if this goes on forever, some day you will break. Maybe you're hoping she breaks first? Don't play that game. Try and fix things now, or leave. Your present situation defines toxic.
 

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Some of your posts are confusing me from the religious basis.
I’m not a Catholic, so I will ask you directly.

What is the churches stance on Adultery? Also the churches stance on divorce after adultery? Is it different than what the Bible says about it?

What is your churches stance on withholding sex from your spouse?

Is using birth control (I’m assuming a passage from Genesis this is based on) more serious of a sin than adultery in Catholicism? Or are all sins equal...cursing is as bad as adultery kinda thing?

It seems very clear that she doesn’t want you as her husband, and hasn’t for years. I kind of doubt God expects you to stay.
 

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I dont know what you see in her. She is cheating on you and wants nothing to do with you. Let her go and get on with life.

"I tend to have a northern sense of an argument not involving the raising of voices but rather outright yelling and I tend to have less filter than many people in the South appreciate. "


You know we really love it when Yankees move south and bring all those good northern ideas and culture with them. We like that alot. We really do. Seriously. You will make alot of friends with that. /Sarcasm off/
 

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Maybe she stopped having sex with you because she doesn't want to get pregnant again and you want to follow the concept of let nature take care of birth control. Ever hear of a vasectomy? Doesn't need drugs. Just a little snip of a small tube and voila, birth control without drugs. I don't condone her cheating but I would be willing to bet she used some method of birth control with the AP. She had sex without the fear of making a baby. The concept that birth control is only the responsibility of the female is pure bull****. Taking the chance of getting a woman pregnant because you are horny and want to follow an antiquated concept of not using birth control doesn't seem feasible. Some men don't think about birth control because they don't have to go through the nine months process of giving birth. Maybe this is where some of that resentment, you say she has toward you, comes from. From what you have posted, I don't think you and your wife communicate with each other very well. Being married for 12 years, you should know what isn't working so try something different. I do wish you well.
 

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Thus whole thing is being confused by the Catholic/religion thing! It is pretty straightforward and is not that hard to understand in my opinion.

She felt like screwing somebody else and she did. No boundaries, no reservations, nothing. She has openly said that they used condoms which is why she doesn't think she contracted any STIs. NFP doesn't come into this.

Now lets focus on these points too:

She has not had sex with you for 5 years - that is almost half of your married life together. So the first 7 years you had sex and made three (young) children. Then nothing ????

Its clearly not that she doesn't like or want sex - so what was she doing for the last 5 years to have her needs met (and she does have needs, clearly). There is more to what she has been doing than just sleeping with this POSOM early this year. This may well be the tip of the iceberg. And this may not be the only OM. You discovered this one - she didn't tell you on her own, which surely must make you wonder if there were others.

Then this business of NFP and using it to withhold sex because she didn't want any more children - she has no qualms about using condoms as you have found out. So are you saying if she said lets use a condom and have wild monkey sex, you would have said no ? Or shamed her for being a bad Catholic ? Really ?

In any case she has been getting her needs met elsewhere and you happened to discover the latest one.

This is what you have to address:


  • Her lack of morals and boundaries.

  • Her hypocrisy in saying she is a practising Catholic and then sleeping with another man (pretty sure this is not in the Catholic handbook - take this from one who almost made it into a seminary).

  • Her putting any of the blame for cheating on you.

  • Your acceptance of this.

  • Your attempting to rug sweep the issues.

  • Getting to the real truth (either by stealth or poly or both). Do not allow any gaslighting or trickle truthing.

  • What you do next after you have got as much as you can truth wise.

  • Your recovery of your self worth and preparation to exit this "marriage" if necessary.

Focus on establishing the truth, boundaries and next steps.
 
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