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Hi all,
I am divorced from my husband of 9 years since 10/06. Reasons for divorce were control issues that became overbearing for me. We still lived together until 02/07 when my new house was finished. After moving out, I realized that I still loved my ex-husband so very much and all the reasons for the divorce seemed petty suddenly. He was very hurt that I divorced him and told me I "destroyed" him. After much crying and sleepless nights for both of us we started a dialog again and he told me that he had already slept with another woman. This was after the divorce but while still living together. This came as a shock to me because the whole time he acted extremely wounded and I was guilt ridden, because I was the one asking for the divorce. I have not looked at another man in 9 years and to this day he is the only one for me.
After we both agreed to try to mend things, he said that he put his other relationship on hold until he figures out the whole confusing situation. I believed him, yet in the back of my mind had some doubts why the other woman would agree to be "put on hold" so to say. We started dating again and having a sexual relationship again which we did not have for a long time. Everything seemed great and it was like brand new, even though we lived in separate houses.
He went overseas for a trip and I discovered something in the mail about a co-owned vehicle between him and the other lady and also discovered some myspace interactions which were indicative that they were still very much involved in a relationship 3 months after we mended things.
I called him overseas and told him that I never wanted to see him again due to the betrayal. He said that he would break up with her but that it would take time as he did not want to hurt her feelings because she is a nice woman. I believed him and over the course of his month-long vacation overseas, we exchanged many loving e-mails and he stated that he told her over the phone that he and I were getting together again and that she "gracefully bowed out of the relationship."
Upon his return to the States four weeks ago I asked him what he intended to do about the car loan and talking to her in person. He said that he will talk to her and will take care of things.
Last Sunday, he called me at my house asking what I was doing and I told him I would go to the library. He said he had to go to work early. I had a gut feeling that something was up and I decided to drive to the apartment complex where the lady lives to see if he was there. Low and behold, his car was there. I called his cell and when he answered I asked him where he was and he said he was at work. I told him, that somebody must have stolen his car then because it was parked here. He came out five minutes later and I drove by him and told him it was over for good now, I always had a feeling he was lying to me. He asked me to talk to him, but I left. We spoke later on and he basically stated that this lady will remain his friend and he will continue seeing her as a friend, no sexual relationship involved at all. When I asked him why he lied to me then if she's just a friend, he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Wanting to know the truth finally, I summoned up the courage and called up the other lady.
We spoke on the phone for 3 hours. She would never tell me if they had a sexual relationship, just stated that he was very confused and she knew about me being back in the picture, however, she did not know to what extent. In other words, he played us both by telling each of us, that he would get rid of the other woman but that it would take time. She said that he told her that he wanted to get rid of me but didn't know how, as I wouldn't let him go. Of course he told me the same about her. After our conversation she said she was shocked, yet still, she loved him and would wait for him and her house would always be open to him. When I told her that me and him picked up our marital relationship again, she said that it's up to him to decide who he wants to be with and that she would wait it out, in other words "may the better woman win."
I then confronted my ex with all the new info and he basically said that he would always choose me over her as he loves me, but that I needed to be patient and do it "on his time." I asked him what he meant by that and he said "no plans, one day at a time, no jealousy and everything will work out, all your dreams will come true." It's easy for him to say as I don't have a man waiting in the wings so to say.

Here are my questions:
1) Has anyone been in a similar situation and how has it worked out?
2) I'm pretty sure he still lies to me about the scope of their relationship, but I have no proof nor will I ever. What to do? She said they have a great friendship. Easy for her to be a friend. All she has to tell him is that she would do the exact opposite when he tells her about our problems.
3) Right now, I'm hurting to the extent where I think it will never go away. I'm always close to tears, constantly think about him or obsess about him. Will this ever change? We have a 5 year old daughter together, so there will always be interaction and I don't think I could survive him being with the other woman and me witnessing it and her being a stepmother to my daughter.

I have done everything possible in my power to win him back, I'm attractive, sexual, loving etc. Is there anything I should do to turn this thing around so that he may want me back vs. me chasing after him?

sorry for the extremely long story, but I couldn't make it any shorter.
Thanks for any and all advice from all of you out there.
 
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