Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 3 of 3 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,
I am divorced from my husband of 9 years since 10/06. Reasons for divorce were control issues that became overbearing for me. We still lived together until 02/07 when my new house was finished. After moving out, I realized that I still loved my ex-husband so very much and all the reasons for the divorce seemed petty suddenly. He was very hurt that I divorced him and told me I "destroyed" him. After much crying and sleepless nights for both of us we started a dialog again and he told me that he had already slept with another woman. This was after the divorce but while still living together. This came as a shock to me because the whole time he acted extremely wounded and I was guilt ridden, because I was the one asking for the divorce. I have not looked at another man in 9 years and to this day he is the only one for me.
After we both agreed to try to mend things, he said that he put his other relationship on hold until he figures out the whole confusing situation. I believed him, yet in the back of my mind had some doubts why the other woman would agree to be "put on hold" so to say. We started dating again and having a sexual relationship again which we did not have for a long time. Everything seemed great and it was like brand new, even though we lived in separate houses.
He went overseas for a trip and I discovered something in the mail about a co-owned vehicle between him and the other lady and also discovered some myspace interactions which were indicative that they were still very much involved in a relationship 3 months after we mended things.
I called him overseas and told him that I never wanted to see him again due to the betrayal. He said that he would break up with her but that it would take time as he did not want to hurt her feelings because she is a nice woman. I believed him and over the course of his month-long vacation overseas, we exchanged many loving e-mails and he stated that he told her over the phone that he and I were getting together again and that she "gracefully bowed out of the relationship."
Upon his return to the States four weeks ago I asked him what he intended to do about the car loan and talking to her in person. He said that he will talk to her and will take care of things.
Last Sunday, he called me at my house asking what I was doing and I told him I would go to the library. He said he had to go to work early. I had a gut feeling that something was up and I decided to drive to the apartment complex where the lady lives to see if he was there. Low and behold, his car was there. I called his cell and when he answered I asked him where he was and he said he was at work. I told him, that somebody must have stolen his car then because it was parked here. He came out five minutes later and I drove by him and told him it was over for good now, I always had a feeling he was lying to me. He asked me to talk to him, but I left. We spoke later on and he basically stated that this lady will remain his friend and he will continue seeing her as a friend, no sexual relationship involved at all. When I asked him why he lied to me then if she's just a friend, he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Wanting to know the truth finally, I summoned up the courage and called up the other lady.
We spoke on the phone for 3 hours. She would never tell me if they had a sexual relationship, just stated that he was very confused and she knew about me being back in the picture, however, she did not know to what extent. In other words, he played us both by telling each of us, that he would get rid of the other woman but that it would take time. She said that he told her that he wanted to get rid of me but didn't know how, as I wouldn't let him go. Of course he told me the same about her. After our conversation she said she was shocked, yet still, she loved him and would wait for him and her house would always be open to him. When I told her that me and him picked up our marital relationship again, she said that it's up to him to decide who he wants to be with and that she would wait it out, in other words "may the better woman win."
I then confronted my ex with all the new info and he basically said that he would always choose me over her as he loves me, but that I needed to be patient and do it "on his time." I asked him what he meant by that and he said "no plans, one day at a time, no jealousy and everything will work out, all your dreams will come true." It's easy for him to say as I don't have a man waiting in the wings so to say.

Here are my questions:
1) Has anyone been in a similar situation and how has it worked out?
2) I'm pretty sure he still lies to me about the scope of their relationship, but I have no proof nor will I ever. What to do? She said they have a great friendship. Easy for her to be a friend. All she has to tell him is that she would do the exact opposite when he tells her about our problems.
3) Right now, I'm hurting to the extent where I think it will never go away. I'm always close to tears, constantly think about him or obsess about him. Will this ever change? We have a 5 year old daughter together, so there will always be interaction and I don't think I could survive him being with the other woman and me witnessing it and her being a stepmother to my daughter.

I have done everything possible in my power to win him back, I'm attractive, sexual, loving etc. Is there anything I should do to turn this thing around so that he may want me back vs. me chasing after him?

sorry for the extremely long story, but I couldn't make it any shorter.
Thanks for any and all advice from all of you out there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Hi! I'm really sorry you're going through this and I know you're hurt, but honey, he continuously lies to you about this woman and it doesn't sound like she will back off, even if he tells her to. I wish I could tell you differently, but I don't think he'll change. He's got both of you on a string right now, and you need to show your daughter that you're better than that, and therefore so will she be when she's of dating/marrying age. I really don't want to offend you, but if my friend called me up with the same story, I'd offer her a place to stay and a shoulder to cry on along with the same advice. You don't deserve to be treated this way. He may realize the error of his ways eventually, but by then will you really trust him, ever?? Do you now? What kind of marriage is one without trust? Hang in there and keep me posted. I'll check in and see houw you're doing. Stay strong!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Hi there,

I have been in your situation but did not let it last very long.

My first relationship lasted 10 years with the father of my child. He and I were having issues about 7 years into the relationship...

We argued a lot during that time and I actually asked him to move out. While we were apart, I started to miss him... He called to check in on our son everyday and would tell me how much he loved and missed me before hanging up the phone.

I was alone and lonely and as much as I wanted him not there, I did want him there too? It was a difficult time. He asked me it we could start dating again? I was hesitant but knew in my heart that I did want to be with him. I also thought about our son and how we should be together as a family... We started to go on dates again... It really was nice...

After about two weeks he moved back in. He was gone about 2 1/2 to 3 months tops.

When he came back, everything was GREAT! By the way, the reason we were having problems is because he when out with his friends after work a couple of times a week and would come home buzzed... It irritated me to know end!!!

About a month after we were back a very good friend was over. Her boyfriend was my boyfriends "best" friend.

She told me that there was something she really needed to let me know... During my little separation, which "techincally" to me wasn't one because we never really stopped interacting on the phone, my boyfriend slept with another woman. This was very hard for me to accept because he and I were both virgins and had only been with eachother and I felt we had a special bond because of this...

I was devestated. I think I cried non-stop for at least two days... You can imagine me telling him to not come home on the phone after hearing this...

This girl had an amazing body and was into Tight short "shorts" and half shirts... She was always so "tan" and looked like a bad girl, which I am nothing like... She liked to drink and party with the guys my boyfriend hung around. I had met her before but never interacted with her. She did like my boyfriend for a while and everyone knew it... He was not interested in her and never did anything with her until I threw him out... I do know that... I had a lot of feelings like "I caused it" and "blah blah blah"...

I know, even today that he loved me and regretted it at the time that he first cheated... This time, when I kicked him out, I completely cut all ties from him for almost a month... No phone calls, no visits, nothing...

During that time, she "the girl" got his attention and he ended up dating her... I was even more devestated when I found this out and did a 180 and tried to get him back... Pretty unbelieve what one does during desparate times. If I weren't in the situation myself, I'd be giving the "don't take him back girl" advice... It became a challenge of "me" or "her"... He told me he wouldn't go back with me because he felt that I would break up with him again and then he'd be back where he was now and asked me to give him time to think... It took me about two weeks to really get over the chase. A very good friend of mine gave me an "amazing" life changing book.

It was "Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer... I swear I read that book from cover to cover in less than 5 days and completely got myself together and back in control. I stopped calling him and really decided to let it end... I focused on me putting myself first... I did... I found ways to look at everything in a positive light!!! I supported my child and found myself! I was a better mother and a better person!

About six months went by and the call came from him... He knew I wasn't playing his game and realized that the grass wasn't greener on the other side... His so called girlfriend really liked to party and did cocaine which he felt wasn't the type of girl to bring home to mom and dad so to speak and missed me... He broke off with her completely and begged me back... I really was fine on my own and didn't need him... That's the key... I really didn't, and he knew it... He missed the family structure we had and wanted us back. Let me tell you, I made him WORK to get it back...

I remember him telling all his friends that he would not be hanging out with them any longer if "she" was in the picture. I talked to him and started hanging out with him but "no sex"... I wasn't comfortable enough for that for I still pictured him with "her" in my mind... One day his friends all came by my house because he hadn't been around for a while and had her in the car. I was very upset to see that... His best friend got out and my boyfriend punched him in the face for bringing her there and told her to stay out of his life in front of me... It's very childish looking back, but I remember feeling so good seeing him do that, for I knew at that moment he really wanted the family back and chose it... We were together for about three years after that...

My advice to you is LET HIM GO AND COMPLETELY FOCUS ON "YOU"... If you are meant to be, he will realize it and come back completely to you only... If he doesn't, you will be so much of a better person anyway without him and will find the right guy! TRUST ME!!! Stay strong and Believe in you!!!
 
1 - 3 of 3 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top