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Discussion Starter #1
Hey this is my first post. My partner of 21 years unexpectedly told me in August 2017 they wanted to move out as we had drifted apart. We all probably know the things i began to feel and the paranoid stuff that started to happen and the feelings of self worthlessness etc. So here I am still struggling and thought I'd give this forum a try and maybe reading about others struggling and surviving will play a piece in helping me feel better and appreciate the good things we shared instead of every five minutes of every day focusing on how i let them down and also on what I'm losing. I've felt lonely and in this housing market i feel like I'm going to have a miserable and poor life. Ive gone from friendly and openminded to spiteful and closed off. I can't sleep very much most nights. Hopefully this forum will help ease some of these unwanted and unexplainable knawing feelings. Best of luck to all.
 

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You might want to get into some counseling to help you deal with this. You partner is at least 50% responsible for the problems in your relationship. Somehow you need to come to realize this and not try to blame yourself for everything.

Why do you think you two drifted apart?
 

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Shwew thanks for the response. It started out with i treat her like crap and we're not compatible anymore. As time passed i was given various reasons. Always *****ing and complaining about work and being negative all the time and sweating the small things about the daily grind too much. Always being nice to every single other person but then vent to her constantly. Comments or snide remarks towards her. Lack of intimacy. When intamacy did occur the last few times it was not up to par. Too puppy doggish towards her. Been with me forever and never had a chance to see the single life as in just do things on her own by herself with her own life experiences. I'm constantly around too much and talking her ear off. I have a lack of confidence. I drink too much. I am not a full blown handyman or gardener. she believes our views have changed where i was open minded and non aggressive where as now i may laugh at a deragotory joke. I'm disorganized and although I'm tidy it's in a painfully slow and round about way. She doesn't like my birth family dynamics and their values. She says I'm too much like my mother needy and drag out conversations throughout the day which is utlra annoying. She says she loves me and there is a crapload of good things about me but i am not for her anymore. But the main reasons are I'm negative towards her and always complaining about stuff and my attitude towards certain societal news items has become different than our first 17 years together. I believe intamacy has to be one reason but she doesn't ever bring that up except only once.
 

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First of all, welcome to TAM :).

Man, if that’s the list and litany of complaints she’s heaping on you, it really does sound like she’s done and it’s time to move on. Sounds like she checked out awhile ago, and every little thing you do is adding to her “stayed too long” resentment list. Hell, even your breathing is probably annoying her.

I know it’s painful right now, but you’ve grown apart and I think YOU’LL be much better off without her around.

She’s really beating you down. Don’t listen to it. Work on yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
She's still really kind to me as long as I play by her terms. As there's been a couple knock me on my ass moments like drinking a glass of wine with her and listening to leonard cohen on our back deck checking out the stars in silence. And there was grocery shopping on new years eve day and we were linked arm in arm just isle browsing for new years eve's grub. I just care about her too much to walk away and at the same time I feel if she wants to leave then that is her choice. It has consumed me everyday for the last few months. I love everything about her, even when she criticizes me. I've tried to fix any criticisms but it has been slow especially during this stressful time of mine. At the same time I can't be walked on however i don't feel she's intentionally walking on me. I do feel she is being sly and selective in communication and white lie-ish a lot though probably to avoid blowback from me.

oh i don't know, i just don't know. Everybody loves me so much they were not agreeing with her wishes but now she has magnified my weakness to everybody and now it's kinda like i'm an ******* somehow in almost everybody's eyes. My weaknesses have actually been intensified by this unfortunate turn of events for myself. It's hard to see someone just act carefree when i am ****ing crushed but at the same time i get it. I have no answers to my feelings and actions. I can't strut around here being happy like wahoo you're leaving me unexpectedly (yes it was coming for a while i suppose which is a whole another topic on it's own... what ever happened to clear cut communication?) and she wants to sell our house wahoo! Yay! here, I can help you do that!... while ignoring my feelings and not wanting to break up and sell our house. (See there's the comments she hates) Why is that I have to support her feelings of wanting to leave and she doesn't have to support mine of wanting to stay together. why is almost everyone telling me this makes me a bad person? I did a career change and i am making the lower income now even though for years i worked my ass off and paid the bills for all of us. i helped paved the way financially for her university degree. The housing market is **** and i will be resigned to a ****box apartment where i will be even unhappier. I will in a couple of years be making way more money, it's just sweating it out now to get there.

I know time will be a healer but when i picture me healthy again it makes sad and lonely and i miss her. People tell me dont visualize the future well that to me means forgetting about her cause i know i will and she'll become one of those "people that i used to know" goddamit! This seems to be all for nothing a waste of twenty years. This isn't what i wanted. This isnt how i do things. I don't want to be weak and a sap but i can't help it. See the more i talk and think about it the more it drives me nuts. It makes look like a psycho. This is just crazyiness.

I have self help books, counseling, coping strategies, but the only thing that makes this craziness leave my mind is when i feel like i have a shot of getting back together with her. whatever. i'm lost. Life's not fair. Can't wait till i can look back and think what a vunerable selfish fool i was being but when will this happen? I can't wait to look back and say to myself i was so fortunate to have know this wonderful woman who broke my heart which made me realize even more how much i love her. We had so much in common and we still do. i can only see happy sad chords for me after the chorus. Maybe I'll go become a troubadour. "Everybody's been burned" sebadoh covering the byrds.

These are some of my new mottos...

I have failed to deepen your feelings of respect, love and attraction for me over time.

I’ve taken you for granted and expected you to stick around because I felt you loved me so much in the beginning.

I have failed at being a confident and emotionally strong partner who can make you feel intense sexual attraction.

I have been a weak and nice guy instead of a strong and good guy.

I have been a pushover for you and other people which makes you feel like you must protect me. I have not always shown you that I can take care of you and myself.

I will strive to make myself a partner who is a good guy who you can love, respect and feel attracted to for life. Not just simply a nice guy who you may disrespect and feel hardly any love or attraction for.

For the record this is my side of the song and dance and there's probably a couple instances in this thread of me putting words in her mouth. If you wanted specifics I can tell you about two i've noticed.

I will stop this now cause i'm not sure if this is isn't the right forum now. :surprise: Please reply though i could use the advice or even know there are ears listening.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
.... tonight my daughter is practicing her blood pressure testing and ECG tests on me and the ex and i feel soooo happy it's like we're a family even if i know its only as a family. Everyone is happy and excited for her and we're all laughing and cooperating. i think i will sleep great tonight. :) :) :)
 
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