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I have seen these go a couple ways.

The husband waits around as his wife screws around, and gets it out of her system. Hopefully she realizes you are "the one" for her.

I could not do this myself.

The problem with resentment, as it often manifests in a women, is it's persistence. It nags at a woman like male lust, and it creates a crisis of destiny.

By that I mean it causes them to not just question you, but "us".

Like lust it calls for a release.

There are many ways to resolve it, unfortunately getting on the Coc-carousel is a perennial favorite.

They have to be with him and miss you.

This is often what a woman means when she says she needs closure with an ex.

In this case a woman is subject to her feelings.

Your wife is already fantasizing about being with the guy who is giving her attention, and trust me there is a guy.

She has already imagined what it wold be like to kiss him.

Since she is keeping alive the hurt and negative feelings for you, since she has already disconnected from you emotionally, there is NO WAY you can compete with him, atm.

By the time she is ready to risk the marriage by inappropriate contact, by the time she is willing to risk the relationship by asking for space, it is to late, to far gone to reverse course by standard means, for now at least.

The other option I would consider is doing the "honorable" thing and falling on your sword.

This is what it looks like to me.

"Honey the fact that you are unsure about "us" is on me, I know that.

You lost faith in me the night I stayed out late, and the hurtful words I spoke made you feel rejected and insecure.

It is hard to face that my actions have brought us to this place, because you are the love of my life, but I did not grow up fast enough to appreciate it.

I want you to know that I really admire the woman you have become.

Losing you will be the biggest regret of my life.

I have to be honest with you, I cannot wait around while you try out other guys. (Dont let her tell you that is not the case, just say, "its a binary choice and I will not be able to see it any other way", stand in YOUR truth.)

It is clear to me after all this time that you will never be able to extend trust and forgivenest to me. I cannot fault you for that, but I can't ignore it either.

I think our relationship has run its course and I have an appointment with an attorney next ?whenever?.

I am hoping we can end this relationship amiably, and as fairly as possible.

Since you have already been reaching out to other men, I suggest we just acknowledge and accept this as adults that we are moving on, and have an open marriage until the divorce is finalized.

In my heart I wish there was some way to make it up to you, but in my head I know that is not possible.

One thing that I will do, because I think you deserve it is to schedule a polygraph, so at least you can have some answers.

You can come with me, and we can work on what questions would be best with the polygraph technician.

I will answer any questions you ask. About that night, about my love, or any other doubt you may have.

I have been reading online and I did not realize how hurtful those lingering doubts, and questions are.

I would like you to have any questions you have answered before we split, if you are interested.

I know this may be more "space" than you were expecting, but this is the best I can do. We are no longer the partners or team we wanted to be when we were wed.

I want to be clear, I am not asking you to agree, I am just letting you know my plans.

I am so very sorry I did this to us!"

I am just illustrating this as an exercise to think about, something that may help clarify the situation.

The last thing you want to do is chase her or beg her, it will only push her away.

If you say this you have to mean it!!!

I wish you both well.
 

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ETA: I want to emphasize that if she weren't happy and didn't truly forgive then she should not have agreed to stay married. It was wrong for her to have an affair, I totally agree. I'm not justifying at all. I just think the incident in the apartment + the excessive drinking with friends outside the marriage + telling her she needed to change her appearance, did major damage. She is not a woman of character to engage with the OM. I would say you aren't a man of character for engaging in your past behavior either, imo. But people can change and if you kill the affair now you have a chance to save it. Kudos for admitting the incident and describing the past so well, most people would leave that out.
 

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After having read your posts and most of the advice you have been given, I need to add a real life story to give you more perspective: I am a woman whose husband was in so deep he wanted to marry the OW. It didn't take much for him to realize he was not on the right path and to end it. The secrecy was a sort of protection from reality. Once the secrecy was gone, he couldn't carry on in good conscience anymore. It ended in a matter of days.

His conscience was fine while his affair was secret. He thought what he was doing was inevitable, that they were meant to be together, that our (mistake of a) marriage (in his mind) and societal constraints were what was keeping them apart. Once the veil of secrecy was gone, and he was confronted by real life people who did not agree with his assessment of his affair versus marriage, he realized he was in a full on adulterous affair, and that he was breaking his covenant with me, that all his friends would be disgusted by his behavior and that he had been in a sort of fairy tale land during the affair. It took him a month of being out of the affair for him to to realize he was still in love with me and always had been, (except while he was in the affair), that our marriage was not as bad as he had convinced himself that it was, and that he was a large part of the problem.

Your wife's OM will not leave his wife and children for her. When he realizes he is caught and his own marriage is in peril he will dump your wife like a hot potato. The more decisive his wife is the more likely he is to dump your wife immediately. If she threatens to divorce him and take the children, the more likely he will be to want to cling to his marriage and family.

He (and your wife) will have serious withdrawals and want to be together, but the OM's desire to keep his marriage and children will be stronger than his desire to be with your wife.

If you are decisive, your wife will be desperate to save the marriage as well. Tell her that you will divorce her on grounds of adultery and that you will fight for full custody of your child, if your state is not a no fault state.

Make copies of all your evidence and give it to the OM's wife. She deserves to know, and although she will not become your friend, her knowing will be a plus toward ending the affair on OM's side.

If someone knew your wife was having an affair, and you didn't have a clue, wouldn't you want them to tell you?

How you behaved for years is a separate issue to your wife's affair. Had she been a strong woman of principle, she would have divorced you first, then started seeing other men.

If your wife leaves the OM and recommits to your marriage, eventually you are going to have to deal with your own bad behavior in prior years, but now is not the time.
 

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How you behaved for years is a separate issue to your wife's affair. Had she been a strong woman of principle, she would have divorced you first, then started seeing other men.

If your wife leaves the OM and recommits to your marriage, eventually you are going to have to deal with your own bad behavior in prior years, but now is not the time.

That's a really good point, it's true and I failed to mention in my post. If she was unhappy and never forgave for the original event in the apartment and the excessive drinking and partying, she should have just divorced instead of starting an affair, definitely you're right.
 

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Yes, I do know how to reach OM's wife. Not sure exactly where you are going with this (but I would like your input), but I have considered disclosing. Ultimately, I don't know that tearing apart his family out of my own hurt/anger is justified.
Other man has already blown up his wife and family. She may or may not know who or what he is. You didn't caused him to cheat on his wife.

If you were her wouldn't you want to know?
 

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Man, what is it with lawyers. So many of them in this type of forums, showing their inability to deal with their own life confidently, with alpha strength like they are supposed to do professionally in court.

OP your wife's check-out. She wants space? I would had immediately given her her space as a STBXW. No buts about it.
I wouldn't care how much it hurts inside, my reaction would have been strong and confident in telling she's free till he'll freezes over period.

This time out us for her to test drive the other guy.
 

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Yes, I do know how to reach OM's wife. Not sure exactly where you are going with this (but I would like your input), but I have considered disclosing. Ultimately, I don't know that tearing apart his family out of my own hurt/anger is justified.
SERIOUSLY!!!!!! you would rather he keep in contact with your wife and keep his wife quiet from his transgression...have you lost your mind?
If nothing else you need to inform her because
a. she needs to to make her own decision about her relationship, you are preventing her from doing so
b. if he is worried about what is going on in his own house he will be less likely to be dealing with your wife.
c. this actually may help your wife get out of her fog.

Cat you need to wake up and smell the coffee because it is burning.
 

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Man, what is it with lawyers. So many of them in this type of forums, showing their inability to deal with their own life confidently, with alpha strength like they are supposed to do professionally in court.

OP your wife's check-out. She wants space? I would had immediately given her her space as a STBXW. No buts about it.
I wouldn't care how much it hurts inside, my reaction would have been strong and confident in telling she's free till he'll freezes over period.

This time out us for her to test drive the other guy.
Sorry folks but bless their hearts, Lawyers and MD's are some of the biggest pussies in the world, no doubt about it. It is play acting for most lawyers in court. I have never seen a group of people in any one (or two) profession(s) more dysfunctional in my life.

I hope this guy will wake up, he is in for such a world of pain if he does not...
 

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@BluesPower said: "I hope this guy will wake up, he is in for such a world of pain if he does not..."

Blues, OP probably will not, but normally, what we see here is this type of OP disappearing after being told the plain truth, because they are unable to deal with the reality of their situation and feel so embarrassed and paralyzed with indecisions. With the fear that they are about to lose what they have, that they can not longer read another post, and most likely do little at home other than to try to ride the situation day by day as it goes, but ultimately, we all know how it ends, sooner or later.

All of this at the expense of their self respect, their psychological well being, and their manhood.
 

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Cartman35:

Yes, you were an mentally abusive husband. You have probably damaged your marriage beyond repair even though you are now remorseful. She is returning the favor now. So what to do? I would say that you should now move decisively towards divorce.

1. Divorce takes a while. Watch how she reacts. It can be stopped at anytime if she moves towards wanting to reconcile. If not, at least you are on the road to a new life as quickly as possible.

2. Have yourself tested for STDs. Suggest that she do so also. She is not only sleeping with him but anyone he has ever slept with.

3. IC for you but no MC. If she is not remorseful, MC is costly waste of time and money.

4. 180 technique now. For you. Begin to detach.

5. No sex with her. She may try to manipulate you with this.

6. Separate finances. Do not finance her affair.

7. Expose to anyone who is of interest. Especially the OMS. Not for revenge. For OMS's well being. For your family's well being. For your well being. Don't expose at work as she will need the income and you need her to work to reduce alimony.

8. Act with courage, strength, & decisiveness. This will be essential no matter the outcome. It is part of your self-development. You are making a new you. She must see this whether it changes the outcome or not. Vow that you will become the MAN you need to be in your life.
 

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While the pressure was already building at home, it came to a head based on one major event. I was out late one night with my law school counterparts. After the bar, me and a couple other individuals (both female) went to the apartment of another classmate. A few hours later, I went home. LET ME BE VERY CLEAR HERE......I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. THERE WAS NO CHEATING.....PERIOD. The next morning when my wife asked where I was the previous night, I lied and said that I was picking some items up from my office for a presentation the next day. I did not want her to question why I was in someone else's apartment at 2am on a weekday. Long story short, she had tracked my movements via my cell phone and knew that I was lying.

My wife was sure that I was cheating (which I wasn't), but the discussion became heated and I started venting as to the status of our relationship (stupid, I know). As previously mentioned, I was not in a good state of mind due to everything going on at school/work/etc. I complained about her attitude towards met....I complained about how frustrated I was that "fitness" was not part of her life.....I complained about our sex life.



A couple of days ago I was blindsided when I opened a laptop and her imessage account was open. Essentially, she was having a "sexually natured" conversation (text) with a male co-worker. I confronted her on it, which she quickly admitted to. She was regretful. While I don't think that their relationship has progressed beyond the messages, I really have no way of knowing.



While regretful, she said that she feels she did it because it felt good for her to get the attention I was not giving her at home. She went on to explain how she still doesn't believe I didn't have an affair, and how my comments on ways she could "improve" (weightloss, sex, etc) damaged her emotionally.



My initial reaction was that I was willing to work through the "affair" (again, I do not know the extent). I love her and do not want to throw 17 years out the window. When I said this to her, however, my wife said that she was not willing to jump back in that quickly. She said she needed to take some time to evaluate the situation and what she wants in life. She said that she has not been happy with our relationship for a long time, and although she tried not to, she still resents me for the incident I described above.

She has asked for her "space" to collect her thoughts.
A few points on the above -

Assuming that your penis did not technically enter another vagina, I am assuming that you wanted to and hoping it would happen. …...in other words = "intent." The fact that it never got to that point is just a technicality. What remains is that you were/are wanting to get down with other women and were dissatisfied with your wife and marriage. Let's at least face that and accept that you weren't an unwitting victim of circumstance here.

Let's also face and accept that your wife is involved with OM to the point she is seriously considering dissolving your marriage and is wanting time and space to test drive the OM (and perhaps others) to see if he is going to step up to the plate.

I suspect the only reason she hasn't walked already is because OM is still with his BW and hasn't committed to your wife yet. If he were to do that, she would likely be gone in a day or two.

Bottom line here is your whole marriage and life as you know it is teetering on the very razor-thin edge here and both of you have your finger on the self-destruct button.

More to come in my post...…..
 

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So what to do about it??????

Well for starters I think you need to sit on the mountain top and really think about where you actually want to go with your life from this point going forward.

Me thinks you have a bit of an ego problem and that much of this is more about wanting to "win" and don't want anyone else going home with the winner's ribbon than what you really want in your heart.

Case in point - do you truly want to remain with your wife and marriage as you and she actually are at this point in your lives or do you just not want someone else getting the nookie? Do you really want to have a life going forward with her or do you just not want someone else enjoying her or don't want her enjoying herself with someone else???

This is a legitimate question. Do you really want to be here with her going forward as the people you are now at this point in your lives?

You were teenagers that got knocked up. You both pushed through the struggles of tribulations of teen parents growing up with a child and both worked through serious educational and career growth and development.

Yes, you made it through and did very well for yourselves.

But now you are very different people. you have very different lives than when you hooked up as teens and you each can have very different lives going forward.

You do have a child together but she is almost an adult and is at the point in her life now when you and your W got together and became parents.

Will she be upset and somewhat inconvenienced if you two divorce? Yeah, somewhat. Will she be harmed in any way? No.

You two are well paid professionals and I assume you are each loving and involved and supportive parents, so other than her having to deal with two holiday dinners over the holidays, she really won't be harmed or impacted all that much in reality. It's not like she is a young child that is going to be plunged into poverty or be abandoned or neglected or anything. She can survive going to one your houses for Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving and then to other's on Christmas.

My point here is there is no real shame or harm if you and your wife decide that you have had a good run and raised a child to adulthood and now you each want to hit the "Reset" button of each of your lives and move on to the next stages of your lives as individuals.

I am guessing you are each mid-30s which means you will probably have about 50 years left in this world. Are you wanting to continue those 50 years together or is this a reasonable transition point for each of you?


Cont...…..
 

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I am guessing you are each mid-30s which means you will probably have about 50 years left in this world. Are you wanting to continue those 50 years together or is this a reasonable transition point for each of you?


Cont...…..
Now if the answer to that question is an honest and sincere 'yes' then I agree with the other posters that you are going to have to grow some balls and take some serious actions and risk stepping on toes and upsetting people and rocking the boat.

You are not going to be able to slime your way out of this and nor are you going to be able to "talk" your way out of this and make a closing argument that is going to captivate everyone and make everyone fall in line with what you want them to do.

If you are going to keep your wife out of another's bed you are going to have to blow up the affair without warning or discussion by drawing a hard line in the sand on boundaries with your wife, disclosing the A to OM's wife, and giving OM a clear admonition to cease and desist any and all contact with your W.

Then you are going to have to lay down clear and unambiguous expectations of your marriage and boundaries going forward.

She will either agree to it and you can both work on rebuilding and reconciling.

Or she won't in which case, you then decide on whether you can live with her terms or not.

Either way, you are going to have to have balls. It will take balls to save this marriage. And it will take balls to admit it's not working for either of you and to dissolve the marriage.

Your not going to be able to talk or argue or bully your way out of this either way. It will take making hard decisions and then taking decisive and difficult actions.
 

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Cartman35:

Yes, you were an mentally abusive husband. You have probably damaged your marriage beyond repair even though you are now remorseful. She is returning the favor now. So what to do? I would say that you should now move decisively towards divorce.

1. Divorce takes a while. Watch how she reacts. It can be stopped at anytime if she moves towards wanting to reconcile. If not, at least you are on the road to a new life as quickly as possible.

2. Have yourself tested for STDs. Suggest that she do so also. She is not only sleeping with him but anyone he has ever slept with.

3. IC for you but no MC. If she is not remorseful, MC is costly waste of time and money.

4. 180 technique now. For you. Begin to detach.

5. No sex with her. She may try to manipulate you with this.

6. Separate finances. Do not finance her affair.

7. Expose to anyone who is of interest. Especially the OMS. Not for revenge. For OMS's well being. For your family's well being. For your well being. Don't expose at work as she will need the income and you need her to work to reduce alimony.

8. Act with courage, strength, & decisiveness. This will be essential no matter the outcome. It is part of your self-development. You are making a new you. She must see this whether it changes the outcome or not. Vow that you will become the MAN you need to be in your life.
Cartman,

This is some extremely solid advice. I have been there , done that with my FWW. Exposure is crucial to killing affair. The advice I was given on this site three years ago “ In order to save your marriage, you need to be willing to lose it.” Counter intuitive, but it worked for me . I went scorched earth on my FWW. She did not know what hit her.

You must remember one thing...WOMEN RESPECT STRENGTH, NOT WEAKNESS. Commit that to memory. I am using deductive logic assuming reconciliation is your goal. If it is you have to go all in and blow the ****ing affair out of the water. Expose to his wife, your family, your close friends. I went on Facebook, changed my status from married, to single, announced my FWWs affair and named her AP, burned our marital bed which was a family heirloom which I videoed and sent to her, went out of state for six weeks, and let her twist in the wind. However, I never denigrated my wife I just checked out due to PTSD from my combat experience. You sir, apparently need to work on yourself,too. As you have been advised, consider IC. You definitely from what you post have some anger issues.

File for divorce and have her served publicly. This is for works like a charm. As Skerzoid said, you can always stop it.

I am going to add some other advice. You know she has been bumping fuzz withPOSOM. That is glaringly apparent front you posts..Kick her out of the marital bed. Speak only when she speaks to you and keep it short and concise.

Now whether you stay married or not, a word of advice is be kind and considerate with the fairer sex. Being verbally and abusive in another relationship will get you where you are now. Be honest, and never put yourself in a situation that could call your fidelity into question.

Good luck and I sincerely hope the two of you can work it out.
 
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