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@Balto109 in an effort to get to know someone I ask about their past.
If I see they are lying, I usually look if it’s fear of judgment or?

Myself, when I run across contradictions I start digging in a non controversial way for 2 reasons.
1. Where did I fail in making her secure enough to trust me.

2. If I didn’t fail if I can’t trust her to be honest regarding her past, can I trust her to be honest in the present.
 

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There is no way for us to know if your wife is not telling the whole truth or is she simply does not remember.

While what she says might not match your interpretation of her journals, the fact is that some people embellish even in their journals. There is no way of knowing what "hook-up" meant to her at the time she wrote the journals. There is no way to know if they are even true. They could be a young woman's wishful thinking that she had a wild love life.

And now years later, she really might not recall what happened.

Does your wife lie to you about other things? Or is this the one topic?
Very good point.

If I had kept a journal while dating, I'm sure the reality of it would look quite different than what I tried to walk my wife through when we were getting serious.

And there was a whole 18-24 months in university I mostly just don't remember at all. Memory is a strange thing. We're not digital recorders.
 

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Unlike the others, I really do believe that you are not trying to "catch her out" or be judgemental in any way. I would be confused too. I would be more concerned about her real character - forgetful, deceitful, naive - what? I understand why you are trying to get a fix on what her version of being honest is.

I went through something similar with a compulsive liar who had anxiety issues about telling certain truths (for no real reason outwardly - all in her head).

Is she saying that when she says hook up she means no sex? Also, her lying about going to a strip club, again she may have some hangups about telling the truth here too.

I guess you may need to get an understanding of what makes her anxious about these things rather than catch her lying (I know that is not your intention). Find out what she thinks people might think if she had gone to a strip club etc.

Not much else you can do, if all else is fine - although I suspect that all else is not as fine as people here believe.
 

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I don't know. Not offensive in any way. Could be inaccurate. People may have to ask, does that mean actual sex?

Again maybe it's just me, but I would prefer saying had sex, or [email protected] Whatever. Just not a fan of it. More for being upfront and mature about it. But thinking about it, maybe you are right in a way. Maybe the casual manner in which some people use it does offend me in some way? I don't know. Something to think about I guess.
thanks for answering, I wasn't sure if there was an aspect of it I wasn't aware of.

Probably because it is open to interpretation.

Yes, I knew people who used it as PIV, oral, heavy petting and some who said it was kissing. Almost in equal numbers among my friends.

Edit:

MoE answered.
It is imprecise, and I have heard things like "I forgot to bring coffee, but Steve hooked me up."

Even "intercourse" technically means any type of exchange or interaction, though it is rarely used for anything but sexual intercourse.
 

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Does the fact that she invited him to read the diaries with her make a difference? It wouldn't seem likely she'd knowingly walk into a minefield. This is strange stuff, hitting a bit close to home. But she really didn't expect it to show anything at odds with what she remembers.

If there was one thing *I* would focus on, it would be the cheating issue. That goes to character. The other stuff, big deal, kids having fun, whatever. But cheating is something else again. She may be open to discussing just that one thing, if everything else is left off the table. As it probably should be.
 

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Not even reading this whole thread.

I am concerned with my wife's sexual present and future because that is my responsibility to large extent.

She isn't with anyone else but me so fing her brains out is my sole responsibility and I take it seriously.

Unless you want to convince her to **** her previous partners while with her, you should probably focus on navigating her body and mind to satisfy your list and hers to mutual satisfaction.

Is this a real thing? I keep reading about it but just don't get it.

I met my wife over 28 years ago and started fing her brains out within hours of meeting and I haven't let up much since!

Do you think I gave a **** about her past partners???!!??

The first week, she was wrapped around my unit about 30+ times and making animal noises and through most of it.

My advice is to take your ****ing mate! Take her ****ing often and well!

Quit looking at her past and build that lady a future!
 

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Discussion Starter #27
My concern really has to do with being truthful. I think she likely forgot what she had written in her journal and I think it's also insulting to say a hookup as she described was just a little kissing. I think she would have likely written that she made out or kissed. My big concern is the fact she cheated on some guy she has told me was the one of those that got away, as she had moved to another state after college and he had to finish. She spoke highly of the guy and it's troubling to have read where she "hooked up" with someone else and she mentioned kissing before hookup, so hookup was more than that. She also followed by how she saw her BF the next week and she was going to tell him but didn't want to ruin anything and they continued to "hook up". The strip club thing is no big deal...I think she did it and maybe was ashamed she went but I don't think it's something that would be forgotten. The number of guys going from 5 to 4, who cares...I would imagine with the hook ups that there are more.
 

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My concern really has to do with being truthful. I think she likely forgot what she had written in her journal and I think it's also insulting to say a hookup as she described was just a little kissing. I think she would have likely written that she made out or kissed. My big concern is the fact she cheated on some guy she has told me was the one of those that got away, as she had moved to another state after college and he had to finish. She spoke highly of the guy and it's troubling to have read where she "hooked up" with someone else and she mentioned kissing before hookup, so hookup was more than that. She also followed by how she saw her BF the next week and she was going to tell him but didn't want to ruin anything and they continued to "hook up". The strip club thing is no big deal...I think she did it and maybe was ashamed she went but I don't think it's something that would be forgotten. The number of guys going from 5 to 4, who cares...I would imagine with the hook ups that there are more.
Here's the thing. If she's never indicated that she's cheated on you or treated you poorly in your marriage, then you are making a big deal out of nothing. Who gives a **** whether she kissed Bobby or blew Danny at camp. Seriously. This was a time before you, when she was a teenager/young adult.

By your account, you have a great marriage. Leave the inconsequential stuff from the past in the past. It has no bearing on the happiness you and she share today. All it can do is cause misery.

I recommend you either see a counselor for individual counseling to work through your issues or go through the exercise of contacting a divorce attorney and walk through the emotional and financial cost of a divorce. One of those two things will help you stop obsessing over this.
 

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My concern really has to do with being truthful. I think she likely forgot what she had written in her journal and I think it's also insulting to say a hookup as she described was just a little kissing. I think she would have likely written that she made out or kissed. My big concern is the fact she cheated on some guy she has told me was the one of those that got away, as she had moved to another state after college and he had to finish. She spoke highly of the guy and it's troubling to have read where she "hooked up" with someone else and she mentioned kissing before hookup, so hookup was more than that. She also followed by how she saw her BF the next week and she was going to tell him but didn't want to ruin anything and they continued to "hook up". The strip club thing is no big deal...I think she did it and maybe was ashamed she went but I don't think it's something that would be forgotten. The number of guys going from 5 to 4, who cares...I would imagine with the hook ups that there are more.
This is kind of funny. You care, don’t say it doesn’t matter. Insulting? Imagine how your wife feels. She let you in and now you are obsessing because you know the proper way to write in a journal.

The 5 to 4 matters because you started your OP with it.
You are now a professional writer and editor.
You are now saying how someone should write in their journal.
You are arguing syntax, sentence structure and phrasing.

This is you trying to create problems in a marriage that do not exist. I do not write the same as I did 14 years ago. I have posts on other websites and I realize how poorly some are written. At the time I thought “how the hell did you get that from my post.” Now, it’s like “ooohhhh I understand why you took it that way.”

You are going to parse and nitpick yourself out of a marriage. The fact she said “personal” AFTER sitting down WITH YOU to read her PERSONAL JOURNALS, should be a huge hint she isn’t going to tolerate your pressure.

Also, don’t be silly and focus on a teenager cheating before you met her. Unless she cheated on you and this proves to you she has always been a cheater, it isn’t related to your marriage.
 

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Really, man, let it go.

Who can remember every juke joint or even strip club they ever went to. I get it, not all have had these super active times, but for anything, who has a perfect memory?

During college years? I can't remember huge chunks of time there, but it was a by design big party.

Graduated with honors though. Woo hoo.
 

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Personally, I wouldn't consider a Chippendale revue type of shindig as a strip club. One is a cheesy act and the other is up close and personal. I've been to the former and to a bar with a stripper on a pole.

Your wife was in college and still learning how to be a responsible adult. Heck, her brain hadn't even finished developing.

Judge her on her behavior since she has been with you. That is all that matters. Do you have journals that she can peruse and nail your feet to the floor over?
 

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Are you thinking she has cheated on you, or you can’t trust her?

Seems to be a concern for you she didn’t come clean to guy she was seeing at the time, one who got away, that she hooked up with 2 while seeing him.
 

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I have been with my wife for 14 years, 10 married, and we were recently messing around with an adult "have you ever" game which opened up a lot of thoughts about some of her answers...mostly because we've had some discussions about some of these things maybe within our first year of dating. I recall her years ago telling me she's had a boring sex life and I was the 5th guy she's had sex with, one of whom she didn't want to count and was a regret.

Recently during the Q game, she said 4 when asked. I mentioned I remembered the 5th and she got a little pissed and accused me of saying she was lying. I said I was sorry and must have remembered wrong, even though i remember as though it was yesterday. I also told her I didn't care if it was 30 guys, I was by no means judging her and said we're all sexual beings. Then more recently I was cleaning and dusted and moved some books on her night stand which she began to reorganize and in doing so, she dug out some other old books and found her journals from before we met. I jokingly asked if I could read them and she actually sat down and read them with me. A lot was talk about how she really wanted a boyfriend and guys don't look at her that way and that they only want "a good hookup". This is where it got very intriguing for me.

She was an outdoor camp guide during college in the summer and there was mention about lots of drinking, go figure - college, and then there was detail interest in numerous guys. One summer she liked this one guy, she stopped at his cabin, they began kissing, and things got intense. She noted "i hooked up with C on Thursday, July 17 1998... and then it happened again and then there was mention about how he was so many of her firsts. There were a lot of details about how much she like like this guy and I asked about him and she said they only kissed. Then she goes back home for her sisters wedding and talks about seeing a guy from high school and she says she hooked up with him at the wedding and she "never went so far with anyone the first night" and they saw each other for a short period after and mentioned hooking up again.

Then there was the college boyfriend who she described as awesome and she loved him but then she goes back to camp, meets a guy named S... he goes in her tent one night and she describes a nice sweet kiss but no more...then a couple nights later he goes to her tent, she describes snuggling and she noted he jokingly said "if she doesn't put out, he's leaving", she said she was in a tricky situation with having a boyfriend but she wanted this and they "hooked up", which was followed by some guilt but not so guilty feelings and then she was at a beach with these guys saw this guy flirting with someone and she "hooked up" with Z. The odd thing about all of these journal entries is there was never any mention of the guy she lost her virginity to and the big intriguing thing to me is what's a hook up? She said these were just mere kissing instances but to me, making out is kissing with maybe a little light touching and hooking up is a lot more - sex.

While playing that "have you ever" game, one of the questions was have you ever cheated on someone? She said no and she had it very documented in her journal. Another question was have you ever been to a strip club and she said no...she also had an entry where she went to one (female) with 4 guys and another girl. I get the impression she hasn't been as boring as she says and I like to be open about anything. Is she hiding something? Is she really that forgetful? I've heard stories about her sisters...one starting to hook up with guys at 14 and lots of them until she got married. Their mother catching another sister giving a guy a BJ on the sofa and she hooked up with almost the entire college soccer team.

Is my wife not being honest with me? I've also asked without being too pushy and the response is usually brushed off or she says it's personal. I also think the ultimate feeling is the ambiguity of everything. Reading the journals with her was like watching a movie where the ending is so ambiguous you can't help but think WTF.
Confusion in your posts has me read again.
All else aside the gaslighting would set my alarms off.
Is that something common or was it a one off?

There was one person I had to deal with, while helping another, that I always had a recorder handy or would write conversations down to keep it accurate as they had the one I was helping questioning their own sanity.
One of the problems when immersed in gaslighting it eventually wears down one its applied to, as in case of person I was helping, had a difficult time remembering their own accurate accounting of interactions with the gaslighter. However that individual was under constant attack from multiple sides so not a usual case.

If it was a one off no big deal. If it’s something deal with often start keeping written notes of conversations if only for ones own peace of mind.

ETA: In a busy hectic life people can sometimes forget things day to day so an occasional disagreement on small portion of conversation, or event is no big deal.
The concern is frequency, or if it is employed in disagreements to gain an upper hand, redirect conversation, or maintain control.
 

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Retroactive Jealousy can be really ugly. Knowing details of previous hook-ups can really mess with our heads. However, what she did 15 years ago shouldn't matter today. I'm sure she lied to you about her previous encounters and who blames her? Women want men to think they are wholesome and when we know details of what they've actually done before us it taints that image. Nothing good will come from this trust me. Just gotta let it go. It's hard believe me I've been there but you can't change it and it's not worth ruining something great.
 

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Retroactive Jealousy can be really ugly. Knowing details of previous hook-ups can really mess with our heads. However, what she did 15 years ago shouldn't matter today. I'm sure she lied to you about her previous encounters and who blames her? Women want men to think they are wholesome and when we know details of what they've actually done before us it taints that image. Nothing good will come from this trust me. Just gotta let it go. It's hard believe me I've been there but you can't change it and it's not worth ruining something great.
In general, I would agree with you. But things that go to character are a bit different. Why should it be so difficult to say "yes, I was a different person then and I cheated on a boyfriend? That could never happen now."

Rereading the diary, which was HER choice, offers her the chance to look back and see how she's grown since then. That's a very positive conversation. It's not a spin. It's a very real and productive way of looking at things. I think it says something about a person that they seize that opportunity, or not.
 

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Unless you have valid reason to question her fidelity or something over the top egregious or deal breaking occurred, such as her renting out her services by the hour, let it drop.
Everyone has a past, including you.
Judging from what you mentioned, none of what she did is worth the turmoil caused by hashing and rehashing things.
 

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I think women only want their husband to respect them. They don't mind if a short-term fling with a faulty memory respects them. They will gaslight and who will deny their tears?

It's obvious most men cannot handle the truth when it comes to their wife's sex life before them. I believe this is inherent. Cavemen could not afford to raise a child that was not their own. My thinking is this is the reason women think all men want a virgin. Maybe, somewhere way back in their primitive brain, they do? It doesn't change the fact that a woman has her own feelings and desires.

What is important is to recognize any woman and any man, can be unfaithful. Some have a great wall built against infidelity, but that can be torn down within the right circumstances. Those are a little different for everyone.

I agree with @red oak. Use a recording device for your sanity, but not to shove in her face that she has lied. If you find out she is consistently gaslighting, because I believe women protect themselves and their interests with lies, and gaslighting is not simple lies(read up on it), then and only then think seriously about divorce and it's consequences compared to a life of educating yourself about defending your sanity against mild gaslighting and **** tests.

I think this is a somewhat normal part of marriage. I believe love, when it has a strong element of infatuation, always causes us to overlook some issues.
 

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Be warned.

Women hate being taped or told what they actually said. You will be playing with the security of your marriage.

I once wrote down what my ex told me when we were talking. I did it right after we were done talking. She eventually found the paper. She was hot. Rather than helping my marriage relationship, it hurt it.

She has the right to say what she wants. It isn't necessarily fact, but what she is feeling. Feelings change. You can't hold someone to their feelings at the time. There is an underlying issue. It's a man's job to decipher that and deal with it. She will then feel better about the relationship. Her answers will be different to the same issues.
 

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Retroactive Jealousy can be really ugly. Knowing details of previous hook-ups can really mess with our heads. However, what she did 15 years ago shouldn't matter today. I'm sure she lied to you about her previous encounters and who blames her? Women want men to think they are wholesome and when we know details of what they've actually done before us it taints that image. Nothing good will come from this trust me. Just gotta let it go. It's hard believe me I've been there but you can't change it and it's not worth ruining something great.
...

It's obvious most men cannot handle the truth when it comes to their wife's sex life before them. I believe this is inherent. Cavemen could not afford to raise a child that was not their own. My thinking is this is the reason women think all men want a virgin. Maybe, somewhere way back in their primitive brain, they do? It doesn't change the fact that a woman has her own feelings and desires.

What is important is to recognize any woman and any man, can be unfaithful. Some have a great wall built against infidelity, but that can be torn down within the right circumstances. Those are a little different for everyone.

...

I think this is a somewhat normal part of marriage. I believe love, when it has a strong element of infatuation, always causes us to overlook some issues.
I tend to see it this way too. I know it's wrong not to tell my husband about my past encounters (lying by omission) but what's the alternative? I agree that this kind of thing can seriously mess with his head and cause deep psychological damage. Why create this when it's all in the past? Stir up the past and then hurt him psychologically? That doesn't really make any sense to me.
 

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Be warned.

Women hate being taped or told what they actually said. You will be playing with the security of your marriage.

I once wrote down what my ex told me when we were talking. I did it right after we were done talking. She eventually found the paper. She was hot. Rather than helping my marriage relationship, it hurt it.

She has the right to say what she wants. It isn't necessarily fact, but what she is feeling. Feelings change. You can't hold someone to their feelings at the time. There is an underlying issue. It's a man's job to decipher that and deal with it. She will then feel better about the relationship. Her answers will be different to the same issues.
To be fair, most women AND men hate having their words thrown back in their face. That's human nature and not something specific to either sex.

OP, instead of trying to "catch" your wife in a lie, you can try to get clarification on what she means by "hooking up".
 
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