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This is my second marriage, we have been married 6 years. My first ended in divorce because my ex-wife was a cheater / manipulator.

I love my wife and what she does for our family daily. She handles the day to day crisis with my 17 yo daughter who lives with my ex and raises our 5 yo, household bills, cooking, etc. My wife, at the moment, is a stay-at-home mom and our 5 yo goes to pre-school 3x a week for 3 hrs each day. I know she is stressed from the single income and trying to make things work. She also attended school and is her families central point of family life issues moderator.

With all that said I feel bad even writing this but I need some advice on our intimacy levels, or the serious lack of. By intimacy I do mean sex but I also mean a simple hug when I get home or a kiss good bye in the morning and everything in between.

Like most couples we started off with a serious lust for each other and our intimacy levels were great, even over the top. Once we moved in together intimacy leveled our to an acceptable to what I thought was a normal level. After we got married her brother moved in, that's when I started noticing the levels of intimacy dropping off considerably. Her brother moved out but then her mother moved in. Her excuse was that they would hear us. Now they all have moved out but our intimacy has not improved at all, if anything it is still dropping off. We have not had sex in 6 months and there are times where she asks me to hurry it up.

I feel like she is so inundated with everyone's issues that my needs are just not that important. She complains about never getting any time to herself, I offer to take our son out for the day or she can go out with her girlfriends but she says she doesn't want to. So after our son goes to bed (which is still ours), she will just sit in bed watch her shows while I sit alone in the living room. When I try to engage in any intimacy she complains about all day long she is attached to someone either physically by our son or conversations with my daughter, ex, or other family members. I have tried setting up dates and such to try and spice things up but she has a fear of anyone else watching our son. Even her own family.

I am at the point where I never wanted to be. Thinking about cheating but my conscious would never let me do that. However, the lack of affection is making me angry inside, angry because I do deserve it! But then I think I am being selfish and I should be more patient. This has been going on for years now, I am hoping that once my son starts full time school she will not feel so inundated. I have read some books where they say some women completely lose their sex drive or feel once a year is very normal. We went to counselling but she does not want to do that anymore. I do not believe she is cheating on me, there are no signs of that whatsoever.

So what do I do? Do I hang in there, because financially we cannot afford to be separated and hope things will return to the happier times?
 

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I have tried setting up dates and such to try and spice things up but she has a fear of anyone else watching our son. Even her own family.

went to counselling but she does not want to do that anymore.
Both of these things stick out like a sore thumb in your post.

1) Not being able to trust a sitter/family member with childcare isn't healthy. What is her reasoning here? This will end up being a serious problem in the long run for your son. He needs the socialization and not to fear being with others in you or your wifes absence.

2) Why has she said no more counseling?

When a spouse refuses to work on issues with their partner, things will NOT get better. That's the reality. I'm sure you can see this as well.

When was the last time you and she were alone together? You need to get there and talk this out. Get real answers and come up with some sort of compromise that you both can live with.
 

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Assume you have talked to her.. I would suggest that you take your son out of the house for the day.. Give her some "me Time".. SAHM is not all it is cracked up to be...Its hard work and very emotionally draining for them.. I begged my ex wife to get a job so she would have adult interaction.. Maybe your W needs that... There are a whole host of things you can try but if you dont get it work out soon.. IMHO.. The resentment is going to build to over flowing..
 

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Yes it sounds like she is out of practice just in general with intimacy with you in the sense it used to be (sounds like) a source of escape or pleasure for her somehow she has lumped you in with being one of those she has to "take care of' rather than you should be for her a soft place to land.Like everyone is lined up with their hand out that "needs" something from her and you are just one more.But at the end of the line too.

Ya'll need to (since she is disconnected from you in her mind as source of pleasure/fun for HER too) start out doing fun things together.Enjoying each others company without expectation for sex and then gradually build back up that.Maybe its been so long she "forgot" she enjoyed you as much as you her once upon a time.
 

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I was like your wife when my kids were young. I had a very very difficult time detaching myself from orbiting their little world to ensure they were safe, healthy and loved. I didn't trust anyone to care for them even for a short time. I could even go so far as to say it was an obsession because I took it to an unhealthy point for me-my own sanity, and for my marriage. But unlike your wife, I had a husband who retreated into his own little world and completely detached from us.

Good for you for looking out for your relationship and not being a disinterested disgruntled bystander!

You're right, she does give to others so much that she has nothing left to give to you and when you ask for her attention, and you have every right to, she feels like it's one more chore, one more person in need and instead of responding positively she accuses back.

There really is no easy answer or clear avenue to take to make things better. She really is lost in her world of caring for others and can't find her way back to caring for herself. Going to MC probably made her feel hopeless because she was being challenged to really look at the hole she's put herself into and maybe felt like she was expected to just magically jump out of it. She didn't see a ladder, nor your hand.

Looking back, I'm trying to come up with something that could have helped me snap out of it sooner.

Tell her your relationship with each other can only be put on the back burner for so long before it either dies from lack of attention, or boils over from not being stirred often enough."What kind of husband would I be if I didn't insist my wife take a break from loving others so that she can focus on my love for her." Physician, heal thy self and all that...

Tell her you have been patient enough and that she MUST find a way to take a break from caring for others so that you can spend some time allowing her to focus on receiving your affection, pampering and love. Give her enough time, maybe a month, to come to terms with spending a weekend away, just the two of you. Make her identify and articulate all the crazy what if's so you can dispassionately address them and ease her terror stricken mind.

You may have to do this a few times before she has relaxed enough to hear the important message that your needs are important too. It's not that they aren't important to her, it's just that she isn't able to let go of her need to orbit and protect enough to see she's ignoring your needs.

I would urge you NOT to throw out ultimatums like do this or I'm .... This is a scenario for gentle persuasion.

That's it, that's all I got. I hope you find a way.
 
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