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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need help fast.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 8. at the age of 29, I found my husband masturbating while watching internet porn. (I may have reacted differently exceot he wasn't comming to me for this and I always thought that was what a wife is for) I have always veiwed this cheating and was ofcourse deeply hurt by this. When I spoke to him about it he said it was nothing. And it was my fault for not initiating sex. I had on 3 occations in our relationship and was shot down each time. I have never forgotten due to it being humiliting since it took alkot of guts for me to do it.
For days I could barely even look at him without crying. I tried blocking the websites and checking the browser histories to find out just how much of this was going on. His response was irritation to this, but I just found it impossible to trust him anymore. Now he has special erasers to remove his history so I can never find it.
Last year he talk me into taking a job that makes alot more money but only allows me to be home 4 - 6 days a month. I have been trying to get a local job that may pay less. He just says but it won't give us as much money...
Now I find myself at 31 years old, to be a very lonley married career woman. (I am crying just writing this) With this distance added to our relationship I am truly begining to resent him for not wanting me home no matter how little money I make. I know my husband loves me, I just don't don't know if I still love him the same way I did once. I hate myself for it.

About 3 weeks ago, I met a kind hearted man on the internet. I had not intended for anything to happen but I seem to wait all day for just 10 minutes of conversation with him. (something I have never had with my hubbie) I don't know why this man makes me feel alive and like a person instead of a paycheck.
I am very afraid of where this is taking me.

Can you guys offer any advice?
 

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Hime,

Internet man is filling the voids not being met by your husband. My advice would be to have a serious discussion with your husband about how you are feeling and what needs are not being met. He deserves to hear it straight from you. Different people have different views, but many men look at porn and IMHO if my husband wants to do that on occasion, it doesn't bother me...as long as we are both still satisfied with our sex lives together. I can't understand why you took this job in the first place, but if it's not what you want, change it, especially if your marriage is at stake. A few extra bucks just isn't worth it.
 

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Let me see if I understand. You called, your husband masturbating to internet porn "cheating", yet you are having an emotional affair with another "REAL" man (by real I don't mean your husband isn't a man I mean that this new man is a real person not an actor in a porn movie or just a picture of a man) and your having this affair on the same internet that you caught him "cheating on you" on. :scratchhead:

First of all, in my opinion, masturbating or looking at porn is not cheating! Second, having an emotional affair IS cheating.

Go ahead and leave your husband, whom you hardly see anyway you'll be doing him a favor. Go see how much better life is with this new guy. I'm sure he really is as nice and caring as he's making himself out to be on-line and not just trying to get into your pants.

I'm being a little sarcastic by the way.
 

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Swedish is dead on. The man on the internet is filling a need your husband is not. You need to deal with your husband on the issues in your life. Let him know how you feel and that you want a better marriage. Quit the job because it is taking you away from your marriage. You are walking a tight rope with the other man. You may very well be involved in an emotional affair and it could be devastating to your marriage. I speak from first hand experience here. My wife never met her internet man but fell “in love” none the less. Emails turned to phone calls several times a day. If I hadn’t discovered it, it might have escalated to the next level. It still haunts our battered marriage. End the relationship with him and concentrate on your marriage. If it doesn’t work out you can always reconnect but right now it is pulling you away from hubby. Your marriage should be your first priority. Anyone reading my rants on porn will see in you how it can deeply hurt a marriage. He must stop because it hurts you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for replying so quickly. I apreciate the candor.
If my husband though is fufilling himself by imagining sleeping with other women, how is that not cheating? Even after telling him how much that hurts me, shouldn't that be enough of a reason to stop? If it is no big deal (as many say), then why not stop and go to the one you married. Is it not true that if have done it in your heart then you are already guilty? I ask these things because until receintly, I would never even consider anyone other than my husband in my mind or heart.
It's true that what I am doing right now is not right. I seek no justification for it. I haven't discussed anything sexual in nature with the man I have been talking to but I understand where it will lead if it continues.

I know to some it may sound like I am the BAD GUY here. But if I didn't want to stay with my husband, I would not be here now.
 

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I think the issue of porn is a personal one, and I can understand if you feel betrayed by his thoughts of other women. When I found out my husband was looking at porn, my initial reaction was the same. However, I did a lot of searching on my own (reading books and looking online to learn what I could about men & porn) and what I did find was that it is quite common and multiple sources indicated that it is instinctive for men to look at other women to ensure survival of the species...breed with as many as possible. If this is true, then I would be asking him to go against human nature. I chose to look at it another way, if he's looking at images, he's doing what is natural and not fighting his instincts but in a much healthier way than interacting with actual women. It might have been easier to find out that only a small number of men look at porn/other women so I could say "just stop it, perv" but in the grand scheme, it feels better to know it's normal and nothing to do with his feelings towards me. Ok, done ranting about my newfound view on porn...bottom line is you need to be at peace with whatever he is doing and if you cannot be at peace with it, it is an issue within your marriage...just wanted you to know that it is pretty common so if you end your marriage based on this issue, don't be surprised if you run into it again at some point. If you want to stay with your husband, you really need to get everything out in the open so you can work towards common goals together and both feel connected and happy together. I can tell you from experience, that an emotional affair with an actual woman is MUCH more painful then the thought of him viewing porn...I had the joy to discover both :( On the upside, our marriage is better than I ever imagined because we learned how to talk when things bother us, stay connected & live each day loving the other and just having some fun together.
 

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I don’t view you as a “bad guy’. Just someone who is struggling in their marriage. You are reaching out here just as you have reached out to TOM. Again, you must discontinue all contact with him and focus on your marriage. If you don’t you may not be able to reconnect with your husband even if he does everything you ask. Give this plenty of time and effort, you’ve got a lot at stake. Also I agree with you whole heartedly if what your husband is doing online hurts you he should stop immediately. That’s what loving spouses do for each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks you guys. I think you have told me exactly what I needed to hear. I will take that to heart and sit my hubbie down to see how we can both work together on it.
I have always known my marriage would have hard times. I just didn't expect this exact method. I am going to hope and work hard to make our relationship better for it.
You guys don't know how much it means to have someone to talk to. THANKS!
 
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