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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Here is a problem:

I have been married to my wife for past 8 years but from the time our daughter was born (2010) – she has been addicted to internet chat so much so that she does not even bathe for days or cares about anything else (she was sleeping till 7pm in the evening for consecutive 3 days while our daughter had a fever of 39.5). She does not work and sits at home – and chats on paltalk 24x7. She does not do any household work like cooking for our daughter or anything else. I have tried talking to her multiple times – but she responses back with sheer anger and threats. She does even mind hitting me if I push her hard. I have spoken to her folks and in retaliation – she called up my home and told lies to my parents (like I drink a lot, I watch porn etc). Essentially – she just does not care about the relationship or her daughter or anything else – all she wants is to be not disturbed in her chatting activities.

Every day I have to wake up at 6am – cook breakfast, fill her snack-box, lunch-box for my 3.5 year old daugher, wake up my daughter – brush her, bathe her, feed her milk/breakfast, dress her up, drop her to school, then I go to office. While on the way back from office – I have to pick my daughter up, play with her in the park, feed her dinner, bathe her, and make her go to sleep. In all of this – my wife will be sleeping throughout the day time to wake up at 7-8pm in the evening to chat for the whole night with her chat friends. On weekends – I have to do all the above + clean the home + wash the clothes – while my wife continues to sleep. She does not even take care of her personal hygine and does not take bath for days – the entire house stinks because of it.

I am not sure what to do – I am very close to hiring a divorce lawyer since nothing is working. My only issue is my daughter. Knowing that generally the court will rule the daughter to be with her mom and knowing that my wife is incapable of taking care of my daughter – I am bit worried.

Any advice will be really helpful.
 

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Why not simply disconnect the internet one day?

Then organise some counseling or something to help deal with the addiction.
 

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For 4 years you have allowed your wife to go on doing this. There are things that you could do such as using a key logger on her computer to track what she's doing. Do you even know who she it chatting with and what about? Is she having on-line affairs?

You could turn off the internet in your home so that she cannot chat.

You could get her to a therapist as it clearly has mental health issues.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks wopalx and elegirl for the replies. Yes - I allowed this to continue for 4 years since earlier I thought she just wants to relax a bit by talking to someone online while I am in office. Understood the pains of being a mom. And earlier - it was not this bad - she used to chat for 4hrs than 8 hrs a day - slowly it progressed to where it is now. I am not sure if I should use keylogger or other softwares to see what she is doing. She does not go out of the house - so this is clearly restricted to online.

Switching off the internet is not an option because she shouts a lot and it does impact my daughter as she gets very scared.

I am confused. I tried talking to her twin sister and her husband but it seems my wife has warned them not to talk to me. I also tried talking to her parents but it is the same story.

Essentially I feel very much boxed and unsure of what to do next :(

Thanks for the help
 

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If it was just you, you could walk away and be done with her. But you have your daughter so you need to do something that will get the attention of people who can help you. To do that you need witnesses and/or evidence.

Can you talk to your family and explain what's going on?

I think that the key logger could help so that you know what she's actually doing. You might not be able to use it for anything else, but at least you will know who she's talking to and what about. You can also use it to prove the hours of the day/night, the length and length of time she's on the computer.

You say that she yells and it's you? Another thing you could do is to disconnect the internet. If you can arrange to have your daughter away at the time. Let your wife yell and scream. Have a VAR (voice activated recorder on you. Let it pick up her abusive out bursts. If she hits you, you will have it on the recording. Do not yell back at her, politely ask her to stop yelling and hitting. And then call the police. You will have evidence that it was her attacking you.

You need to force getting her some kind of mental health intervention. This could help with it.

Have seen a lawyer to find out what your rights in divorce?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
EleGirl - you have been really helpful - big thanks for it - truly appreciate the help and support.

I would think about keylogger or other such softwares. I was thinking more of using webwatcher but was worried about her privacy rights. But you are right - I do not have the evidence and hence I cannot prove anything. Also - at times she uses her phone a lot - so even if I disconnect the internet on some pretext then she starts using the phone.

I also forgot to mention that both her twin sister and her father have a mental condition - Psychosis. This is hereditary it seems and only recently about 6 months back her twin sister had a Psychotic attack. Not sure if it makes a difference since my wife does not yet have those direct symptoms

On meeting the lawyer - not yet. I am thinking of meeting and evaluating my options.

You are right - it needs some actions as this is not going anywhere for past few years and I need to take firm steps to solve this once and for all

Thanks for help
 

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Webwatcher is good because it sends the key logs and screen shots to a website so you don’t need to get on her computer to check on what’s going on. Plus they have a very good support and would help you install it so it’s not detectable. Who bought the computer she is using? Its community property right?

The idea of using it is find out what is really going on. You are most likely not going to use the data for anything but for you to know. But do brace yourself because she’s most likely up to something that is not really good. But once you know what you are dealing with you will be better able to figure out your plan of action.

There are also ways you can find out what she’s doing on her phone. There is an evidence thread on this site. You might want to search for that.

Shoot you might find out that she has a boyfriend she wants to run off with. (Sorry if that hurts you but it sounds like at this point you are beyond this). Maybe you could offer her a divorce and she could run off with him.

You have a very severe case on your hands, and because of your child you cannot just leave. So you need to know.

Just to let you know, my second husband did the same thing. He lost his job. He had custody of his 2 children from his previous marriage. I had my son. So he spent years doing what your wife is doing. I raises the children and mine, supported us all and he was on the internet playing games, chatting, etc. I was so busy taking care of everything that I eventually just ignored him until the children were out of high school. Don’t do what I did. You will end up with a dependent woman who you are stuck supporting. Do something now.

People do not change until they are faced with calamity. And even then many do not change. You need to find a way to shake things up. And you will not know what to do, besides unplugging the computer, until you know what she’s really doing.

What did you tell her family was going on ?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
ElieGirl - cannot thank you enough for the time.

So the other day on Friday I had an office party for completing 2 years of my company (I own a successful startup) - I came home bit late around 1am. We had team building activities for the whole day and a dinner - so was extremely tired. As I came home - I realised my daughter had a real bad fever. I asked my wife and she said - she just got it. I asked our live-in maid and she said - it started around 6pm. What frustrated me was that no one bother to call me up or take her to doctor. So even though I was tired I started putting wet towels on my daughter as her fever was 39+. During this time - my wife just went to other room and locked her door. So for the whole night - I and our maid took care of my daughter - then in the morning - took her to doctor and was looking after her for 3 days straight while my wife use to get up at 7pm every day and was not really bothered about what our daughter was doing, what she was eating etc. So Monday I did not go to office and yet on Monday evening also - my wife got up around 7pm - ate her dinner and went back to her room - locked it. That got to me - so I called her brother-in-law (we are very close) and told him that this is what's happening - I am really frustrated and really on the verge of loosing all patience since it is one thing to not care about me (her husband) and it is all together different thing to not care about your daughter. He advised me to write her a written note or a mail - saying - this is not done and she needs to be more involved in the house or else I would have to look at other options. I did not do that since - again I was unsure of how my wife will react specifically with a maid in the house.

Her sister is no different and thats why her husband and I are close to each other - since her sister is doing exactly the same. Chatting for long hours and neglecting home. So when I was speaking with her sister - as always she was defending my wife saying that she is not a servant of the house, and she should live her own life etc. So I gave up on that

I did talk to my parents and they are really not happy with it but I also do not want to bother them much since they are old and have health issues.

So all-in-all - I do not really have anyone to talk to and talking to her becomes a shouting match from her side and the whole condo hears about it. She also then removes the frustration on our maid or our daughter which makes it very difficult for me since I do need some bit of a help from our maid to manage few things on the weekdays (she is not there on the weekends). As an example - yesterday when I reached home around 6pm (I leave early to play with my daughter in park and to feed her dinner) - my daughter was crying a lot. I asked her what happened - she said that mamma is not talking to her and is very angry. I asked my wife and she just said - she is disturbing me so I shouted. Just gets to me ...
 

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So you have a live-in maid who can help with your daughter. That's good. It also means that you have a witness to what is really going on.

Where do your wife's parents live? Do they live in the same country you live in?

I think that first you need to know what your wife is doing.

That's step one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Yes - Live in maid is there and she can talk. We only got this maid recently simply because I could not do everything. It is tough to wake up every day - do all the chores including preparing breakfast, lunch for your daughter and then work in office for whole day - come back home and cook dinner for all while your wife is sleeping/chatting all the while. Our maid is relatively new but I think she understands it. As an example - she could not understand why my wife had locked her room and sleeping till 7pm while my daughter had so high fever. She kept on asking me why is my wife doing that and I did not have any answer.

Her parents are not in the same country as we live in. Similarly her sister and my parents also live in different countries.

I am sure that there is something wrong because while chatting she always locks her door but she keeps on saying that at times she does voice chat and she has a profile in chat forums as a 20+ something single girl with no kids - so she does not want my kids voice to be heard on these chat forums. Again - unsure about it.

She has 2 computers and both of them I bought it for her. She is also very suspicious if I touch her laptop because she is aware of these softwares through chat forums. So need to find a way to buy and install on them.

Another thing is - since she knows that I am not happy with her chatting - she tries to brain wash my daughter about her roots. She would keep on talking to my daughter about her folks and would deliberately ignore talking about my folks. I think - it is her way to retaliate if I bring up the chatting issue

She took bath last on Saturday (5 days ago) and as you enter the room - the room stinks. It stinks so badly like some homeless man is at your home

Ur right though - I need to find out whats happening first.
 

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On the issue of her talking about her roots to your daughter. You can balance that by you talking about your roots and teaching your daughter about your side of the family.

How old are you and your wife?

She admits to you that she's in video chat as a 20+ single girl? That's not a good sign at all. Shoot, I'd get one of those small, hidden cameras and also see what she's doing.

Before your wife had the baby, who often did she shower/bath? Lack of personal cleanliness is often a sign of depression. Do you every tell her that she just down right stinks? Seriously I would... my husband did that too.. not shower for days and day. I told he was stinky until he finally go the idea that he stunk and it was gross.

Maybe you can send her to visit her parents or her sister.. for a very long trip. :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
On roots - I try my best. I really do and I will continue to do my best. My daughter means a lot to me and I really want to ensure that her up bringing is not impacted by whats happening (thats why I take he down to park to play and feed her dinner in the park). Also on the weekends - I take her out a lot just so that she remains busy but I think she will figure out if this continues as she grows up. So its a time to act.

We both are 38 year old and yes - she told me that she has a profile which is 20+ year old girl with no kids.

She used to be very particular about her hygiene - I have told her many times but she does not get it. Yesterday I closed my nose as I enter the room but I guess she just does not care anymore.

I have told her many times - that she can go for a long trip but she will not go and when the times comes to go to my home - she makes lot of excuses and avoids as much as she can. I have even pre-paid for an amazing vacation in Thailand in a villa which is really expensive but she refuses to come. All she needs is her computer.
 

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Take your daughter on the amazing trip to Thailand. She will love it!!! Let your wife stay with her computers.

You need to the a "sympathetic witness" for your daughter. Your wife is neglectful and abusive. Most children will blame themselves if their parent mistreats them. So a sympathetic witness is the person who tells the child that they are not to blame. That the person hurting them has the blame for the mistreatment. And you can tell your daughter that she has every right to be angry/upset for the way her mother ignores her and mistreats her. It's very important for a child in your daughter's position to have an adult in her life who helps her realize that it's not her fault and she deserved to be treated better.

Have you talked to a lawyer about your rights in a divorce and what you can do to protect your child.

It's very late here and I need to get to bed. I'll check back with you tomorrow.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks for the help. Nope - I have not talked to my lawyer yet and will do so. In the meanwhile I am doing bit of research on webwatcher. Will try and install it tonight if possible. Was wondering what do I need to prepare from evidence perspective to shows the abuse?
 

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Get a voice activated recorder if you're concerned about abuse. Talk to your lawyer ASAP. And realize that you had your role to play in this situation. Not that it's your fault, but you need to do some analysis to figure out where your part was.

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I agree. It was partly my fault. I allowed it to happen but like I said - I prefer everything to be quiet and I hate shouting matches. So whenever I bring this topic up - she starts shouting, talks about other things like I drink (I drink wine socially) and I go to dance bars (I had gone once in past 6 months with few office friends) etc. My daughter gets really scared and starts hiding in the house - so I avoided the confrontation - and that was my problem.

Today is the 6th consecutive day that she has not taken a bath. The entire house stinks big time. Yesterday she did not eat her dinner, did not came out of the room, and was just chatting through-out without bothering anything in the house. Same thing in the morning - as I got up and was getting ready to take my daughter to school (preparing meals, washing her hair etc) - she was on her computer chatting. I find it immensely disgusting and not sure what to do ...

I was not able to install the software yesterday as she did not even once leave the room.

Thanks for the help guys ...
 

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Thanks for the help. Nope - I have not talked to my lawyer yet and will do so. In the meanwhile I am doing bit of research on webwatcher. Will try and install it tonight if possible. Was wondering what do I need to prepare from evidence perspective to shows the abuse?
You need to find out the laws where you live about keyloggers, video recording, and audio recording other people. That way you will find out what you can and cannot use where and when.

In many places for example you can put a video cam in "public" rooms of your home like the kitchen and living room a there is no presumption of privacy. But you cannot do this in the bathroom and bedroom as these rooms have the presumption of privacy.

In some places, as long as one person in a conversation agrees to a recording, it's legal. In some places everyone in the conversation has to agree.

You are usually ok with a VAR on your person. You agree to the recording. And if it shows that she is abusive you can let your lawyer decide if it can be used. Once you have the VAR, go ahead and get her angry. Let her go into a screaming fit. You need to stay clam and just let her to at it. You can ask her calmly to stop but if she does not let her go at it. If she hits you, ask her calmly to not hit you.. get her hitting you on the recording.

I don't know what country you live in. Here in the USA I would tell you that if it gets out of hand and she starts hitting you, or throwing things, & breaking things to call 911. When the police show up, if she starts to calm that you were abusing her, let the police hear the recording. See if the police will arrest her. GEt a restraining order so she cannot return to the house.

I know it sounds hard core, but until something drastic happens this will continue as they are.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Yes. I think I need some evidence first. I will talk to the lawyer to find more about what I can do and what I cannot do. If I am able to prove that she has been neglecting her home and duties towards me and my daughter than it should not be difficult to get a custody of my daughter right?

I am also worried about the impact this might have on my daughter. It is always worrisome to bring up your daughter in a broken family. Either way - she will be seriously impacted.

Will try and put up the webwatcher sometime on the weekend - there is nothing else I can do at this time. I can get my mom to talk to her but even though she has not abused her directly - she talks rubbish about my mom while she shouts - so bit worried there too.

Thinking ....
 

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Yes. I think I need some evidence first. I will talk to the lawyer to find more about what I can do and what I cannot do. If I am able to prove that she has been neglecting her home and duties towards me and my daughter than it should not be difficult to get a custody of my daughter right?
This all depends on the laws where you live.

Here where I live have no-fault divorce. So basically anyone can get a divorce for any reason.

When it comes to child custody, the court does not a woman neglects the home or her husband. Hey also do not care if man neglects the home and his wife. But they do care if a parent (men or woman) abuses the child(re) or seriously neglects them.

They also care if one spouse has been seriously abusing the other spouse. For example if one spouse physically abuses the other. That’s domestic violence and a crime. If the abused spouse calls the police and the abusing spouse gets a police record for domestic violence, it does not look good for the abuser.

So often the court will only allowed supervised visitation by the violent and/or neglectful parent.

You need to see a lawyer where you live. You can also search the internet and find out a lot about the laws where you live. But talking to a lawyer is very important because they not only know the laws, they also know the local judges and court system and know how things are done locally.

I am also worried about the impact this might have on my daughter. It is always worrisome to bring up your daughter in a broken family. Either way - she will be seriously impacted.
Your daughter is already seriously impacted with the way things are in your home. It’s important to teach her that what your mother is doing is not normal. I too agonized when I divorced my son’s father. But I know that in the end, my son who is now 25, is better off because by leaving a bad marriage he learned that a he does not have to tolerate abuse and horrid treatment.

Like your daughter, my son would run and hide when his father would start the yelling and ugly behavior. He was afraid of his father for good reason.
Will try and put up the webwatcher sometime on the weekend - there is nothing else I can do at this time. I can get my mom to talk to her but even though she has not abused her directly - she talks rubbish about my mom while she shouts - so bit worried there too.
If I were you I’d buy the webwatcher while sitting at your computer. Since she could potentially walk in on you, do that to minimize the time you on her computer. When I did it I practiced installing/uninstalling it on my computer first to make sure I could do it quickly. I also had their chat help online. They have a great chat help.

When you buy it they will ask you what you are using it for.. good reasons are... to keep your daughter safe on the internet or for your business to make sure your employees are not misusing your computing assets.

Make sure that you buy it using an email address that you wife does not have access to... they send out a lot of email.

Thinking ....
That’s always a good thing to do!
 
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