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Statistically it is the other way around. I found a stat that said 61% of cheating husbands are still married, while only 44% of cheating women are still married.

I think there are a couple reasons for this.

For men I think sex is the main driver for the affair, so they are more likely to just break off the affair and go back home to the wife if they are willing. While women tend to get more emotionally attached and I suspect they are more likely to leave the BH and try to stay with the AP.

Then there is the physical act of sex. Now this is coming from a man's point of view and women may see it differently, but the idea of my wife allowing another man to penetrate her or take him in her mouth and ejaculate inside her are just gut wrenching visions. Same with thinking about another man moving my wife into various positions and bringing her to orgasm. I almost feel sick just writing this. I'm sure a wife may have similar thoughts about her husband with another woman, but it just isn't the same. I think it is harder for a man to get past these thoughts than a woman. Although I could be totally wrong.
Yes - those physical acts; thinking about them was the toughest part & even after 9 years still gets my goat a little. Stupidly we tried an open dialogue technique I read about, where for 15 minutes a couple of times a week, I could ask anything. Well, when she was describing the oral, I nearly lost it. Like, hang on, I don't think you ever did that with me in 16 years. Besides all the pain, the lying, the deception and the smiling face of the OM, it's the rejection. Sure, go on and talk about forgiveness, talk all you like bc you never forget; your stuck with the humiliation & shame of it.
 

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Okay, okay, okay, i get it already. Folks are not happy with the word "mistake" even though having an affair can be considered a mistake. Quit beat a dead horse. Jesus. I'd forgive her. It would be difficult, but if she had an affair I would focus on saving the marriage. I'm not talking about underage ****. either. My gosh, it's like I'm the President dealing with the White House Press Corps.
Listen I can appreciate the fact that you feel in your heart that you'd forgive your wife if she had an affair.

That said, forgiveness does NOT always equate to continuing on in the marriage. You've NEVER been in this situation (had your spouse cheated/betrayed you/lied to you countless times) and thus you can't say with 100% certainty how you'd ultimately handle it.

It's easy to think you have a pretty good idea how you'd handle it, however until you're in that situation it's just speculation as you do NOT know what the details would be.

I asked you earlier if your wife cheated on you with your brother, or your best friend or your boss, what would you do? You came back with you were "self-employed", you "don't have a brother" nor would she "cheat with your best friend".

That's just it, you do NOT know the details, you don't think everyone who gets married is confident their spouse wouldn't cheat on them for crying out loud?? If they had doubts why get married.

That's another reason why it's SO painful because you're blindsided by the one person who is supposed to love you, that you trust unconditionally, they have your back, they're honest with you, they have boundaries, and they cherish and value you heart.

So here you sit spouting off that you'd forgive your wife if she ever cheated on you without having any of the circumstances. Sure you could possibly forgive her, but let's say your wife did in fact cheat on you with your best friend and this affair went on for a yr. Let's also say they had sex in your bed. Ok you're still thinking that you'd forgive her and I'm not going to debate that, however what I will question is you can not say with 100% certainty that you would just schluck it off and remain married to her because again until you're actually in that situation you don't know what you would do. You think you do but it's just words.

Also, I think when you say, "my wife would never cheat on me with my best friend", you have to realize that's part of this mind F*!k!!

You don't think others thought the same thing?
"No way she'd cheat on me with my best friend".
"No way she'd cheat on me with our next door neighbor".
"No way she'd cheat on me with her boss".
"No way she'd cheat on me with my sisters husband".
"No way she'd cheat on me with with our sons baseball coach".

And on and on I could go with examples.

I've been there. My first wife cheated on me 28 yrs ago. Totally blindsided and never in a million years would I have thought she was capable of doing this. Real easy for me to say I'd forgive her, and I'd try to make it work, but after it happened, and I considered all the lying and deceit, it was ultimately a deal breaker for me and I walked away. There wasn't ever going to be an attempt at reconciliation. I forgave her but we divorced.

So again for you to sit here spouting off with 100% certainty you'd continue on in your marriage if your wife cheated on you without knowing what the details would be speaks of ignorance (which means you do NOT know). You think you do but you really don't.
 

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Discussion Starter · #124 ·
What they did was the catalyst for what happened. In my book it is no different then if 2 people commit a robbery and clerk kills one of tgem...the other perp does time for friends death. She is the other perp to me.
I doubt she would be found guilty or even charged
 

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Discussion Starter · #125 ·
Listen I can appreciate the fact that you feel in your heart that you'd forgive your wife if she had an affair.

That said, forgiveness does NOT always equate to continuing on in the marriage. You've NEVER been in this situation (had your spouse cheated/betrayed you/lied to you countless times) and thus you can't say with 100% certainty how you'd ultimately handle it.

It's easy to think you have a pretty good idea how you'd handle it, however until you're in that situation it's just speculation as you do NOT know what the details would be.

I asked you earlier if your wife cheated on you with your brother, or your best friend or your boss, what would you do? You came back with you were "self-employed", you "don't have a brother" nor would she "cheat with your best friend".

That's just it, you do NOT know the details, you don't think everyone who gets married is confident their spouse wouldn't cheat on them for crying out loud?? If they had doubts why get married.

That's another reason why it's SO painful because you're blindsided by the one person who is supposed to love you, that you trust unconditionally, they have your back, they're honest with you, they have boundaries, and they cherish and value you heart.

So here you sit spouting off that you'd forgive your wife if she ever cheated on you without having any of the circumstances. Sure you could possibly forgive her, but let's say your wife did in fact cheat on you with your best friend and this affair went on for a yr. Let's also say they had sex in your bed. Ok you're still thinking that you'd forgive her and I'm not going to debate that, however what I will question is you can not say with 100% certainty that you would just schluck it off and remain married to her because again until you're actually in that situation you don't know what you would do. You think you do but it's just words.

Also, I think when you say, "my wife would never cheat on me with my best friend", you have to realize that's part of this mind F*!k!!

You don't think others thought the same thing?
"No way she'd cheat on me with my best friend".
"No way she'd cheat on me with our next door neighbor".
"No way she'd cheat on me with her boss".
"No way she'd cheat on me with my sisters husband".
"No way she'd cheat on me with with our sons baseball coach".

And on and on I could go with examples.

I've been there. My first wife cheated on me 28 yrs ago. Totally blindsided and never in a million years would I have thought she was capable of doing this. Real easy for me to say I'd forgive her, and I'd try to make it work, but after it happened, and I considered all the lying and deceit, it was ultimately a deal breaker for me and I walked away. There wasn't ever going to be an attempt at reconciliation. I forgave her but we divorced.

So again for you to sit here spouting off with 100% certainty you'd continue on in your marriage if your wife cheated on you without knowing what the details would be speaks of ignorance (which means you do NOT know). You think you do but you really don't.
Okay, I'm sorry you got cheated on 28 YEARS AGO. Ever think it may be time to move along? Sheesh. Don't preach at me over one comment. To each their own. Walk a mile in someone's boots. I get it. I'm not spouting off. Once again, it was one freakin conversation we had a few years ago. Speculation. I don't appreciate being crucified by you cuz you don't like my comment. I'm done with this.
 

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Okay, I'm sorry you got cheated on 28 YEARS AGO. Ever think it may be time to move along? Sheesh. Don't preach at me over one comment. To each their own. Walk a mile in someone's boots. I get it. I'm not spouting off. Once again, it was one freakin conversation we had a few years ago. Speculation. I don't appreciate being crucified by you cuz you don't like my comment. I'm done with this.
I let it go 28 yrs ago and have never looked back. Just because I'm calling you out on something you're ignorant about doesn't mean I'm bitter about it. "Crucified"???🤣

Lighten up Francis!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #127 ·
I let it go 28 yrs ago and have never looked back. Just because I'm calling you out on something you're ignorant about doesn't mean I'm bitter about it. "Crucified"???🤣

Lighten up Francis!!
Hey, that Francis line is my go-to! LMAO. Don't appreciate being called "ignorant" but that's the card you played. Okay, Pooch, let's move on to new questions we can chat about. Oh, the "crucified" line was because I heard "The Ballad of John and Yoko" recently. Stuck in my noggin.
 
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In the past it would have been a complete deal breaker for me, but having found out about it just 2 weeks ago, I did everything humanly possible to convince her to stay. That had a lot to do with 2 school aged children that I didn't want to totally screw up their lives, but I also just came to the realization that I didn't want to throw away 24 years of faithfulness for a 2 month affair. I told her that we could just start the clock over and that day would be the first day of the rest of our lives, she promptly excused herself to take a shower and sent him naked pictures. At that moment I completely stopped caring anything for her, she's a changed and emotionally damaged person that I'm sad that she'll have a hand in raising my kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #129 ·
In the past it would have been a complete deal breaker for me, but having found out about it just 2 weeks ago, I did everything humanly possible to convince her to stay. That had a lot to do with 2 school aged children that I didn't want to totally screw up their lives, but I also just came to the realization that I didn't want to throw away 24 years of faithfulness for a 2 month affair. I told her that we could just start the clock over and that day would be the first day of the rest of our lives, she promptly excused herself to take a shower and sent him naked pictures. At that moment I completely stopped caring anything for her, she's a changed and emotionally damaged person that I'm sad that she'll have a hand in raising my kids.
Wow, she did that after you told her that. Amazing. Wish you the best of luck. My friend is raising three sons. His wife decided to get a personal trainer and, well, things got very personal. Judge said my friend gets the kids, not her. He's doing a great job. You will too.
 

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Hey, that Francis line is my go-to! LMAO. Don't appreciate being called "ignorant" but that's the card you played. Okay, Pooch, let's move on to new questions we can chat about. Oh, the "crucified" line was because I heard "The Ballad of John and Yoko" recently. Stuck in my noggin.
We're good.

All the word ignorance means is not knowing (it doesn't mean stupid). Thus implying that you've never been in the position of having your spouse cheat on you. So you may think you have an idea what you'd do if you were in this position but you never really know for sure until it becomes a reality.

Sorry if I came across too aggressive!
 

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I’ve suffered a LOT of frustration over the years about sex and in being true to my marital vows. I’m no longer a consumer of porn, nor do I masturbate, nor do even let myself really even look at other women (a few slip ups over the years). In fact, my wife and I have never used any artificial means of birth control throughout our entire marriage. All that said, I’d be destroyed... devastated... never recover.... but I’d probably fake forgiveness so I could live with my kids... at least until my little ones were older.
 
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