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At least your wife know that she has a free hall pass to use and you won’t leave her. She must be overwhelmed with your understanding of the situation.

Of course we are all human and make mistakes. Having a one night stand is a choice not a mistake. It’s the choice to say FU to your SO and **** someone else.

Your wife has it right. She would be wise to call it quits and find someone that hadn’t made the choice to step out of the marriage.
 

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This isn’t the question. It was basically that he would forgive his wife but she wouldn’t forgive him. Pretty simple, Longtime Hubby loves his wife unconditionally and his wife doesn’t love him the same.
I took it as.. how would we feel? how would we react to that question? Would we have the same response as either of them?

We are all different in what we will actually deal with and what we can forgive. Many on here say they stay because of the children..and as others have said... if it were a one night stand.

I suppose that our reaction to her response could also be the question.
 

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Discussion Starter · #83 ·
Was with you right up til there.

Two people breaking trust isn't going to make things better.

I may or may not be able to forgive my husband. We've been married 27 years so I'd have to consider it. But I would never lower my own value and that I assign to marriage by then making some vengful action that is not within MY defined marriage boundaries. If I view having sex with others a boundary not to be crossed for marriage I wouldn't then cross it. May as well just divorce.

If a marriage continues after an affair or other devestating event like addition, it should be for the purpose on making a better marriage otherwise what is the point let's build a house of misery?
all speculation as neither has strayed. On second thought, evening the score would probably not be the best of ideas. Rather, working together is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #84 ·
At least your wife know that she has a free hall pass to use and you won’t leave her. She must be overwhelmed with your understanding of the situation.

Of course we are all human and make mistakes. Having a one night stand is a choice not a mistake. It’s the choice to say FU to your SO and **** someone else.

Your wife has it right. She would be wise to call it quits and find someone that hadn’t made the choice to step out of the marriage.
Actually, we don't know what my wife's response is other than she's not sure she could forgive. In none of our discussion did we "call it quits." All speculative conversation between two of us.
 

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Discussion Starter · #85 ·
This isn’t the question. It was basically that he would forgive his wife but she wouldn’t forgive him. Pretty simple, Longtime Hubby loves his wife unconditionally and his wife doesn’t love him the same.
She does profess her love. I don't doubt that. But perhaps it is a little different?
 

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Discussion Starter · #86 ·
I'm not trying to go all Bhudda or Dali Lama here but "evening the score" is not an act of acceptance or a step towards reconciliation or forgiveness etc etc

it is an act of vengeance and aggression and abuse. It's intent is to hurt and inflict pain and suffering upon the other.

It's like trying to smother a fire by dousing it in gasoline.

I get it, people are angry and want retribution and some even admit to wanting revenge for the pain they have incurred. But in the end the net effect is that more pain and anguish and bad blood are brought into the situation.

And most often the one who has had the revenge affair is the one that feels the most disgust and dirty.

A revenge affair is not an act of forgiveness or "getting over" what happened. Nor is it an act of reconciliation or of trying to mend and continue to the marriage.

And rarely does it ever soothe the bruised ego and often is the opposite and makes one feel worse.

In the end it has no beneficial or therapeutic value. It is just an act of vengeance that brings more bad blood and bitterness and animosity into the situation. It aids in neither remaining together or moving on peacefully.
smarter to work on things than even. thanks, Dali (LOL)
 

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Actually, we don't know what my wife's response is other than she's not sure she could forgive. In none of our discussion did we "call it quits." All speculative conversation between two of us.
Just referring to you saying we are all human and make mistakes.

Stepping out side the marriage to have sex with someone else is a choice not a mistake.
 

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Actually, we don't know what my wife's response is other than she's not sure she could forgive. In none of our discussion did we "call it quits." All speculative conversation between two of us.
Actually if someone can’t forgive a spouse for cheating on them it is the death of the relationship. So your wife saying she doesn’t think she could forgive is just putting it nicely.

Just going with what you have said.

I am aware that most of what I posted wasn’t in the conversation you had with your wife.

The stance you have taken about automatically forgive her for cheating is a from a position of weakness.

Ask your wife if you caught her cheating and you said “It’s ok I love you and will forgive you” if she would think you were weak.

Many of men have lost the battle for their wife by playing the pick me game.
 

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Discussion Starter · #89 ·
Just referring to you saying we are all human and make mistakes.

Stepping out side the marriage to have sex with someone else is a choice not a mistake.
Well ... what about the fact that a choice can sometimes turn out to be a mistake? Is there no room for that in your world? There is in mine. Choice/mistake/whatever. I would forgive. Be hard, but I would.
 

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Discussion Starter · #90 ·
Actually if someone can’t forgive a spouse for cheating on them it is the death of the relationship. So your wife saying she doesn’t think she could forgive is just putting it nicely.

Just going with what you have said.

I am aware that most of what I posted wasn’t in the conversation you had with your wife.

The stance you have taken about automatically forgive her for cheating is a from a position of weakness.

Ask your wife if you caught her cheating and you said “It’s ok I love you and will forgive you” if she would think you were weak.

Many of men have lost the battle for their wife by playing the pick me game.
The pick me game?
 

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Well ... what about the fact that a choice can sometimes turn out to be a mistake? Is there no room for that in your world? There is in mine. Choice/mistake/whatever. I would forgive. Be hard, but I would.
Spouse meets someone they just can’t resist and they begin an affair. The NRE/sex has the now wayward spouse “feeling alive again” after years in a committed, monogamous marriage. It goes on for a week, a month, or a year — doesn’t matter. Whether by conscious choice or life circumstances, the affair comes to an end. The other spouse never discovers that he or she is/has been a betrayed spouse.

Was it “a mistake” or a series of deliberate choices?

Now flip the script — the affair is discovered by the BS, and the fallout begins.

Same question.

So is it the discovery that suddenly makes an affair “a mistake” instead of some kind of rejuvenating experience?

If either sunlight or truth kills a thing, it deserves to be killed.
 

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Well ... what about the fact that a choice can sometimes turn out to be a mistake? Is there no room for that in your world? There is in mine. Choice/mistake/whatever. I would forgive. Be hard, but I would.
There is no room in any world. You have all the right in the world to forgive your wife if she makes the decision to have a one night stand. It doesn’t make it a mistake. 2+2=5 is a mistake. Having a one night stand is a choice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #93 ·
There is no room in any world. You have all the right in the world to forgive your wife if she makes the decision to have a one night stand. It doesn’t make it a mistake. 2+2=5 is a mistake. Having a one night stand is a choice.
Whatever. Sheesh. Bottom line is if you think your marriage is worth saving, you forgive.If you can't save it, you move on. Okay? .. BTW, I still enjoy watching "Gilligan's Island." Nice Skipper reference in name.
 

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Many people think they will act one way until it happens and then they act another. I did that. I was positive that I would divorce my husband without a second thought if he cheated. But when he did, I stayed for all sorts of reasons that surprised me. The second time it happened I saw the futility of that and got out. I don’t recommend reconciliation, because my experience has made me a huge cynic, but a few here have succeeded after a lot of effort. Most (IMO) don’t.
 

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Whatever. Sheesh. Bottom line is if you think your marriage is worth saving, you forgive.If you can't save it, you move on. Okay? .. BTW, I still enjoy watching "Gilligan's Island." Nice Skipper reference in name.
Forgiveness and divorce aren’t mutually exclusive concepts.
 
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Just referring to you saying we are all human and make mistakes.

Stepping out side the marriage to have sex with someone else is a choice not a mistake.
People sometimes make bad choices. Those are mistakes.
 
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People sometimes make bad choices. Those are mistakes.
It is a choice that they make. They don’t call it a mistake until they are caught or guilt leads them to confess. Them calling it a mistake is to minimize what they actually did. Like saying it’s only sex they meant nothing to me.
 
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